MISTNEY SPEAROWS
Chapter 2- That's How I Beat Shaq's Meat
Techno, club, and R&B music boomed from a small house on the outskirts of Pallet Town. In the span of just a few short hours, Team Rocket managed to turn Ash's humble household into the most happening night scene in Pallet, LeTwerps. James and Jessie danced with the crowd, while Brock and Sailor Mars maintained a makeshift non-alcoholic bar in Ash's kitchen. Unknown to either of them, Misty's Psyduck got out of its pokeball and swiftly started and masterminded an organized crime ring in the house, dealing in "Pez"stasy, room rentals, and contract hits.
The strobe and lasery club-like effects jumped around as Tracey danced
in the middle of the den, "GEE, ALL THE HOT BABES ARE HERE!!!: Erika, Prima,
Professor Ivy, Ryoko?! (I guess they're letting any anime character in
here), and GISELLE!!! *GULP!!! (hearts starts pounding as the theme from
Romeo and Juliet cues up)"
Giselle walks up to Tracey, "What are you staring at?! Oh, you
must be that pokemon voyeur, umm I mean watcher, right?!"
Tracey starts drooling, "Yeah-yeah!!! That be me!!! Voyeur!!!"
Giselle blushes,"Umm...wanna dance?!"
Tracey starts acting like Brock, "HEHEHEH!!! SURE!!!"
(a half-hour later...)
"I THINK I'M IN WUV..."
"ME TOO, TRACEY-KINS...Umm...wanna go upstairs to be alone?! Even though it's off limits, I can pull a few strings around here...
"Really?!"
"Yup," Giselle calls out her Cubone and whispers in his skull, "Send
a message to...the Psyfather!!!(mob theme from "the Godfather" cues up)"
Meanwhile...
Hidden Pikachu and Crouching Togepi sat on a stump somewhere in Ash's
backyard against the setting sun. Meowth kneeled before them, awaiting
to be inducted into the Chu Dan fighting school after years, no waitaminit,
hours of intense martial arts training.
HIdden Pikachu held his hands together, "You have mastered the arts
of the Chu Dan, endured the torture of the stiff bamboo, meditated upon
the philosophy of Tito Jackson, learned to move your lips to bad Chinese
action movie dubs, withstood the ugly photos of an aging Jackie Chan, and
now you are ready to face the final test."
Crouching Togepi rolled out a carpet of rice paper, "You must walk
across the rice paper without ripping it open."
Meowth sweatdropped, "BUT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! I HAVE CLAWS ON
MY FEET!!!"
Pikachu said, "Umm, okay...uhh, hear the sound of one hand clapping."
"I don't have hands. I have paws."
"Ehh?! Umm, do some dirty dancing with Togepi?!" (Togepi sweatdrops)
"I'm not that type of cat!!!"
"Say "Yo quiero Taco Bell?!"
"I'm not a half-starved Chihuahua!!!"
"Aww...what the hell, you're in. From now on, you shall be known
among the Chu Dan as MEOWTHHOPPER!!!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
"*smack!* Don't yell!!!"
"...sorry..."
Ash and Jigglypuff pressed their bare butts against the windshield of
the Puff Deus, mooning Giovanni while Team Rocket's Armada, a mess of 20
armor tanks, 18 fighter jets, 12 assault choppers, and 9 missile trucks
flew into Viridian City.
The general of the Team Rocket Armada radioed Giovanni, "You want us
to destroy what?!"
"THERE IS A HUGE PINK MECHA-JIGGLYPUFF IN FRONT OF TEAM ROCKET HQ BEING
DRIVEN BY A HALF-INSANE JIGGLYPUFF AND A PUBESCENT RUNT!!! THEY'RE
MOONING ME!!!"
"Boss, have you been snorting Pez powder with Robert Downey Jr. and
Charlie Sheen again?!"
"NO!!! I'M F!@%!IN' SOBER THIS TIME, DAMN YOU!!!"
The general snickered to his squad, "You hear that, boy?! A mecha-jigglypuff!!! HAHAHAHA!!! WHAT?! (sees a missile is launched at his jet) OH DEAR
GOD!!!!!!!!!!!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"BIG 'O' EET'S SHO'TIME!!! OOPS, WRONG ANIME!!! HAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Jigglypuff laughed insanely as the fiery remains of the commander's jet
fell to the ground in a fiery blaze, "ZE ASH, I VEEL HOLD ZEM OFF WHILE
YOO INFILTRATE ZE TEAM ROCKET HQ AND SAVE ZE SEXY REDHEAD!!!"
"Gotcha, Jigglypuff!!!" Ash said as he ran down to the center of the
Puff Deus and got into one of the local teleporters, "Beam me up, Jiggly!!!"
Jigglypuff pushed the teleport button and Ash quickly found himself
inside the HQ, but little did he know of the weird dangers he will encounter.
Elsewhere, in San Francisco (A.K.A. The Twilight Zone of America)
Mistney and George Michael teleported to a weird stage in the middle
of San Francisco, surrounded by hordes of gay and lesbian peoples parading
around. Everyone from NAMBLA to Dikes on Bikes was there, chanting
gay pride, trading used condoms, and making reservations at the local restrooms.
"George, what're we doing here, and why are those lesbians staring
at me like that?!"
"IN ORDER FOR ME TO HELP YOU, YOU NEED TO SING FOR MY BIG GAY FRIEND
ELTON JOHN FOR THE CROWD, OH AND THE LESBIANS ARE LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY
TO USE THEIR SEX TOYS ON, OOPS, DID THAT SLIP?!"
"*Gulp!* Oookay...ACK!!! SEX TOYS?! WHERE?!...ACK!!! Stop that!!!" Misty and Britney struggled for control.
Magically, out of nowhere, Elton John appeared. He wore a pink
thong bikini and a Disney cap and spoke really fast and for some reason
couldn't pronounce the letter "S".
"OH-BADABEE!!! THOO!!! THOO!!! I be Elton John, gay
muthithian and Dithney prothtitute!!! And who might yoo be?!"
"Hello, I'm Misty...ACK!!! THE SEXUAL SUPERSTAR!!!...ACK!!! Stop that!!!"
Elton John got on his fat knees and cried, "PLEATHE HELP ME!!! All my big gay friendth think I thold out after I did that conthert with
Eminem and now I have to make up for it!!! If I don't make them happy,
they gonna thexually moletht me!!!"
Misty sweatdropped,"Thexually moletht you?! What's "thexually
moletht" mean?"
"THEXUALLY MOLETHT ME!!! THEXUALLY MOLETHT ME!!! They gonna
take me to da Amoco rethtroom of lutht and violate my chubby hindpartth!!!"
"Oh, that." Misty sweatdropped, "Okay, I guess I'll do it, if you can
get this superslut Britney Spears out of my brain and get me back together
with the cute boy and his Pikachu. Who do I have to sing with?"
"Yoo be opening for me with...DETHTINY'TH CHILD WITH THEIR NEW BAND
LEADER, THAILOR MINIMOON!!!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Team Rocket HQ...
Ash pulled out the penile dismemberer and slowly made his way through
the dark corners of the headquarters. He came across a pink door
labeled "The guys who touched Misty" room. Ash heard murmurs from
the side of the door.
"Fernando, how did Misty's butt feel?"
"It felt like squeezing a freshly cooked muffin!!! How about
you, Chaz?!"
"Her legs felt like Bellossom petals, dude!!! I can't wait to
cop a feel of 'em in our next video!!!"
Pissed off as hell, Ash busted in through the door and growled, "KISS
YOUR NADS GOODBYE, YOU HALF-NAKED GIRLY-MEN YOU!!!!!! *boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom!!!!*
Small, sperm-guided explosive bullets made their way to the mens' crotches,
exploding on impact and leaving a bloody mess in their boxers, "WHERE'S
MISTY, YOU RECENTLY CASTRATED FAGMONKEYS!!!"
A voice came from the far corner of the room, "She be not here, little
boy..."
Ash saw a bulked-up, half-naked dude with a heavy Italian accent and
the I.Q. of half a grapefruit, "Umm, who're you, an aging reject from a
Chippendale's strip club?!"
"HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME!!! I be FABIO, superstar of "I Can Blee
I's Not Botter" commercials and overrated model of romance novel covers!!!"
Ash sweatdropped, "What's "botter"?!"
Fabio growled, "BOTTER!!! BOTTER!!! I CAN' BELEEF I'S NOT
BOTTER!!!"
"Don't you mean, " I Can't Believe It's Not Butter"?"
"THA'S WHA' I SAID!!! I CAN' B'LEE I'S NAW BOTTRA!!! Anyway,
I work forr sexy Giovanni and he wan's me, how you say, to keel you."
"Keel me?! What's that?!"
"KEEL YOU!!! KEEL YOU!!! GIOVANNI WAN'S ME TO KEEL YOU!!!"
"OH!!! You mean you're gonna "kill" me!!! Well, no chance!!!"
Ash pulls out his katana sword, "Let's dance, you nerveless, small-testicled,
hormone therapied, transexual half-ape!!!"
"GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Fabio pulled out an ivory-carved penis
which unleashed a lasery blade from the tip, and did his battle cry, "BOTTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Back in Pallet Town...
Lt. Surge and Sabrina were hired as bouncers for Club LeTwerp, checking
everyone's I.D. and kicking serious ass if necessary.
"I.D.,...Gene Starwind, and Melfina, you can come in."
"Oh no, I just came to drop off this kid right here. His name
is Tai. He crashed into my ship while I was humping the circuits
out of my bio-android girlfriend, and I couldn't find the Digimon world,
so I thought the Pokemon world was the next best thing. Oh, and in
the last fic, I was supposed to tell that Ash kid and his girlfriend Misty
about umm, uhh...?...?..."
Melfina jumped in, "The importance of love and commitment over lust
and petty carnal pleasures..."
"Yeah, that. But there wasn't enough space in the last fic, so
I'm saying it now. Bye!" With that, Gene threw Tai in the club
and flew off in the Outlaw Star.
Sabrina groaned, "That was weird...Next!!!"
"I.D.,...Jenna Bush!!! (President Bush's daughter...you know, the chubby
blonde)...sorry, only anime characters, toots," Lt. Surge groaned.
"WHA' DO YA' MEAN, MAN?! *hic* I'M THE PRES'DENT'S F!%$#ING DAUGHTER
FOR CHRIS-SAKE!!!"
Sabrina caught a whiff of Jenna's liqoury breath, "OH DEAR GOD!!!"
and quickly teleported her back to her car.
"SCREW YOO!!! ISS A CONSPIRATION,,,ERR...*hiccup* A CONSPIRACINESS...ERR
F!#% YOO!!!" Jenna sped off in her car, sideswiping a tree and headed in
the direction of Viridian City.
"Wow, I didn't see that one coming, and I'm the psychic around here,"
Sabrina thought, "NEXT!!!"
A very tall black guy and a little white kid on his shoulders came
up to Lt. Surge, "I.D., hmm, SHAQUILLE O'NEAL AND AARON CARTER?!...sorry,
only anime characters in this club. Besides, you two look like you
belong at a NAMBLA meeting..."
"HOW DARE YOU!! I AM AARON CARTER, THE GREATEST POP STAR OF ALL
POPSTARDOM, LORD OF MASTURBATION, ARCHDUKE OF PENILE SELF-STIMULATION,
CREATOR OF THE LATEST SINGLE, "THAT'S HOW I BEAT SHAQ'S MEAT!!!"
Shaq giggled with a large grin, "He beat my meat!!!"
Sabrina asked, "Umm...what does "beat the meat" mean?!"
Shaq answered, still with a large grin on his face, "Flog the dolphin,
choke the chicken, spank the monkey, heh-heh!!! He beat my meat!!!"
Aaron growled, "YOU WILL LET US IN NOW!!!"
"He beat my meat!!!"
"OR YOU WILL FORCE ME TO USE MY HYPNOTIC JERKOFF POWERS!!!"
"He beat my meat!!!"
"WILL YOU STOP SAYING THAT, SHAQ?!"
"He beat my meat!!!"
"GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!" Aaron starts glowing and rapping weird lyrics
while moving his hands up and down in a jerking motion, "IT'S TIME FOR
YOU TO SEE, HOW I BEAT SHAQ'S MEAT SO DANGEROUSLY!!! SQUEEZE!!! SQUEEZE!!! SQUEEZE!!! JERK!!! JERK!!! IT'S TIME
FOR BIG SHAQ'S SPERM TO SQUIRT, OH YEAH!!!"
Both Aaron and Shaq started disco-dancing, the lyrics and dance moves
hypnotizing Lt. Surge and even Sabrina into serious shock.
"NOW, SHAQUILLE...IT IS TIME TO ENTER THIS CLUB AND SOW THE SEEDS OF
A NEW WORLD ORDER!!!"
"He beat my meat!!!"
"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Back in Viridan...
Jigglypuff, operating the Puff Deus, stood triuphantly over the remains
of Team Rocket's Armada. The tanks and missile trucks got minced
into a mixture of blood and metal by the Puff Deus's feet, and all airborne
enemy were shredded into Diglett droppings by the chaingun nail cannons.
"HAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" Jigglypuff growled and taunted on the PA, "HELLO,
YOU BALDING UNCLE OF A CRACKHEAD PRIMEAPE!!! ZE GIOVANNI...DO YOO
HAF ANYWUN WHO WISHES TO TEST ZE AWESOME MIGHT OF ZE PUFF DEUS!!!"
Giovanni growled on his cellphone, "CALL IN THE POWER RANGERS NOW!!!"
Next Episode (hopefully): Aaron's Jerkoff Party!!! Jigglypuff
Vs. The Power Rangers, and whoever else might be on Team Rocket's payroll!!! Mistney Spearows Vs. Sailor Minimoon and Destiny's Child!!! Hidden
Pikachu, Crouching Togepi, and Meowthhopper infiltrate Psyduck's criminal
underworld!!! Ash beats up Fabio, but faces off against Giovanni
(Luke, I am your father...) The mystery of Ash's real dad revealed!!! And the long-awaited torture of Tracey at the hands of...Giselle?!
