Joking, now I was watching Hogwarts–
Ackkaarrrgghhaaaa!
Will you use your inhaler you dozy twit!!
In his mind's eyes Emperor Voldetine pictured the
heart of the hope that ruled against him, and the core centred around a small
band of boys.
You already said that…
I am the
author and I can say anything I bloody well want, so shut your cake hole and
lemme finish.
Can we start going again now.
A small band
of boys whose names are astonishingly familiar; Gary Jotter, Donal Beasley,
Grenville Lengthybutt, Thomas Dean and Nagennif Sumaes. These five formed a
band of hope….You said it again…shuttit…that would stand against
tyranny and the foul oppression that ruled the land.
What…did you call me a foul oppression?
Forget it...Over
the past two months (or ten minutes) the boys from the House of Gryffindor had
combated with the Empire under the guidance of Gary's mentor, Dum-Ble-Dore, a
wizened-grand-master-mugwump-supremo-warrior-wizard-type-blokey or Wiz as he
preferred to be know. Over the past two months they had experienced victory and
defeat and Gary had lost a pair of glasses during a bout of fisticuffs with
Lord Wormer.
I
kicked his little arse.
BUT THAT ASIDE…but
that aside the time had finally come for the final conflict between good and
evil, hope and…an empire, beauty and ugliness-
OI LESS OF THE UGLY TOSH
It's in the script you weasel…or rat, or rat…and the Emperor had finally decided that tonight was
the time for that conflict.
Did I, when? I didn't think we'd covered page one of
the script.
OK, there is no script, you just do what sounds
good…summoning his might and power he sent his
trustworthy servant Lord Wormer to attack the domain of hope, with him went
several Deaf Cleavers…and yes, they are mad butchers Lord Wormer…
Cheers.
On reaching the
castle Lord Wormer did find…I said on reaching the castle, will someone
please take him there and change the bloody scenery!!…Dum-Ble-Dore.
Act/Part/Episode/Chapter/Division TWO
And there they did
battle, lightstick against lightstick.
Ackkaarrrgghhaaaa!
'Y'know I could
give you something for-erk!' with this the mighty
wizened-grand-master-mugwump-supremo-warrior-wizard-type-blokey, or Wiz as he preferred
to be known, was killed like a feather in a gale. 'Bugger, I'll haunt you all
for that one.' Thus when Lord Wormer…
Ackkaarrrgghhaaaa!
Did arrive in the
tower of the House of Gryffindor the boys were alerted by a cry of 'Feel the
Farce lads' as a hefty script book did get lobbed onto Gary's head. And with a
cry of:
'Ow!'
the boys were alerted and did pelt the
butchers with their lightsticks and also did throw fresh vegetables that
confounded the butchers and they didst fall back leaving Lord Wormer to face
the five boys.
Ackkaarrrgghhaaaa!! Damn butchers!!!
Then with a piece
of foul treachery he did unleash a blast of total methane that knocked out the
hopeful ones, allowing the foul Wormer to evacuate the foul room with the
unconscious…
And who can blame him?
Quiet please.
…form of Gary
Jotter, and so the boy was brought before the foul Emperor Voldetine to
participate in the battle that would decide the world's fate.
Ooh gets you!
WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP, OK NOW IT'S TIME FOR
SCENE OR WHATEVER THREE AND YOU'VE GOT ME SHOUTING AGAIN, THIS IS REALLY
P*****G ME OFF YOU KNOW – YOU'RE THIS FAR………………………………FROM BEING FIRED, AND
THAT'S NOT A LOT LET ME TELL YOU.
WELL GO TO THREE THEN YOU STUPID CRETINS!!
Act/Part/Episode/Chapter/Division THREE
And thus the evil
and most heinous Emperor did torture the poor Gary as he promised that his four
friends would be cleaved and hung and put up for sale at £4.99 per limb instead
of RRP of $35.99. 'No,
not at cheap packaging prices, you dare not dishonour them that way.' And so Gary did leap onto the evil Lord Wormer and
they did fight lightstick against lightstick until that evil so and so lost his
mechanical arm.
You
little bugger, don't you know I'm your stepfather's best friend
'You
put him in prison!'
Bugger,
I forgot about that, ow!
And so Gary did
run him through 'Right on my son!' came a disembodied voice and then a
pipsqueaking little Emperor Voldetine did charge down on Gary and kicked him
one in the shins. 'Hit 'im on the head, go on, smack him one the little beady
eyed old toad.'
Now I know why I had
Wizened-grand-master-mugwump-supremo-warrior-wizard-type-blokey, who preferred
to be known as Wiz, killed.
And so by
liberally whacking him over the head with his lightstick Gary did knock the
little Emperor into a state of unconsciousness and hurled him down into a
nearby and most handy power core. 'Hah, I have thrown you into a power core and so hope has
won, once and for all good has triumphed…'
THE END
(zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!)
'Oi, Harry, wake
up, it's time for breakfast.
'Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz'
'C'mon you lazy
bugger, we've only got ten minutes until class starts, and it's Snape first.'
'Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz'
'Breakfast ends in
five minutes, come on.'
'Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…Saturday…Ron…
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz'
'WHAT!!!'
Ere, are we back on now?
Could
be
Do
I have to beat you again?
I suppose I could let them win…
No, I like these imaginative deaths of mine, how
about I have a fall from a twenty-five storey building this time…what do you
say Harry?
A/N: Oh my God did
I write this? For the benefit of all dazed and seriously confused readers (and
me) this is a piece of very 'English' humour, not racially but because that's
its origin. It is based upon work by 'The Goons', a quintet of comedy who would
try and tell a story each week only to be interrupted on BBC radio broadcasts.
The story itself is of course my connection with Star Wars, for truly I am
Yoda.