MISTNEY SPEAROWS
Chapter 3: The B-1000
Jigglypuff sipped some coffee, waiting for Ash,"DEES IS SO BORING!!! YOU'D THEENK ZE ASH WOULD'VE ALREADY FOUND MEESTY, AND SOMETHIN' EENTERESTING
WOULD HAPPEN RIGHT ABOUT..."
Extremely annoying music, even more annoying than the Digimon theme
started in the background, " POW, POW, POW, POW POWER RANGERS JACKASS SQUAD!!! POWER HOMOS GOOOOO!!!!!!!!"
"WHAT EEN ZE HELL IS DAT???!!!"
"POWER RANGERS, GOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"AW, SH!#%," Jigglypuff scrambled with the controls as the Power Rangers
latest MegaZord flew in. It was slightly bigger than the Puff Deus,
and looked like many of the previous MegaZords, except it wore a tootoo,
lipstick, a D-cup bra, and wielded a padded baton for a weapon.
"WE ARE THE LATEST POWER RANGERS, THE POLITICALLY CORRECT JACKASS SQUAD!!!"
"I'm Bob the Red Ranger, the Baptist, ultra-conservative white guy!!!"
"I'm Jill the Pink Ranger, the bleeding liberal feminist college student!!!"
"I'm Tyrone the Black Ranger, umm...the black guy who can dance!!!"
"I'm Amy the Yellow Ranger, the adopted, culturally divorced Chinese
girl!!!"
"And I'm Renaldo the Rainbow Ranger, the gay, activist half Puerto-Rican,
half Mexican!!!"
Jigglypuff groaned, "AND WHAT IN ZE HELL DOES ALL ZAT MEAN?!"
Simulataneously, "WE'RE GONNA KICK YOUR POKE´ASS!!! GO "TOOTOO
MEGAZORD"!!!".
The Puff Deus pulled out a huge mike and pulled off the foam tip, unleashing
a lightsabery blade, "BEFORE WE BATTLE TO ZE DEATH, POWER RANGERS, I MUST
ASSK YOU ZE QUESTION OF GREAT MYSTEREE!!! WHY EES IT ALL ZE TEENAGERS
ON ZE POWER RANGERS TEAMS GET PROGRESSIVELY UGLIER AS ZE SERIES CONTINUES???!!!"
"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(A/N Am I the only one who's noticed? Compare the first Power
Rangers Team and then the second, the third, the fourth...)
Ash and Fabio locked swords, but Ash found himself quickly overpowered
and was pushed to the floor by the steroid-pumped Chippendale's reject,
"You canna overpower de awesome might of Fabio!!!"
Ash snickered, "Think Ash...If you can't overpower him, then
outsmart him...Oh!!! I got it!!!"
He grabbed the purple pokeball the Eminems gave him, "BARNEY, I CHOOSE
YOU!!!"
Our hero fumbled for his pokedex to see what attacks Barney might have
to use against Fabio, but quickly took notice of something very disturbing
and unexpected happening between Barney and Fabio.
"IT IS...BARNEY!!!" Fabio blushed, "THE MUSE OF MY SEXUAL FANTASIES
I'S HERE!!!"
Barney also blushed, "I LOVE YOU!!! YOU LOVE ME!!!"
Fabio continued the song, "WE'RE AS HAPPY AS CAN BE!!! OH BARNEY!!! I HAF LONG FANTASIZED MEETING YOO AND FULFILLING MY MOST PERVERTED ITALIAN
FOOT FETISHES WI' YOU!!!"
In a swift movement, Fabio swept Barney off its feet and carried him
away to God-knows-where, leaving Ash dumbfounded, "Well this is cool. Both Fabio and Barney are off my hands, but now to find Misty!!!"
"NOT SO FAST, LITTLE BOY!!!"
"WHO'RE YOU?! (insert Empire theme from Star Wars) Oh, it's the
balding mobster with the Persian fetish..."
"I DO NOT HAVE A PERSIAN FETISH!!! PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM,
ASH!!!" Giovanni roared.
"WHERE'S MISTY???!!!!"
"HUH?! I WAS ABOUT TO ASK YOU THE SAME QUESTION..."
Over in San Francisco...
Mistney got on stage and quickly took notice of a massive group of girls
lined up on a large stage all of them wearing next to nothing. The
music started booming and the DJ of the San Francisco Rainbow Festival
growled, "AND NOW THE MOMENT ALL YOU WILD LESBIANS HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR,
MISTNEY SPEAROWS AND...DESTINY'S CHILD!!!
The crowd roared as all of the members called out their names, "BEYONCI,
KELLY, LeTAVIA, LaTOYA!!!...
(a half-hour later...)
...QUANISHA, JANELL, MOTEEFA, KUNTA, BONITA, LANIQUA, CLOBUBBA...
(another half-hour later)
...KATREENA, NAOMI, JEMIMA, AMINETTA, YANITAFA, MICHELLAKI...
(yet another half-hour later)
...UMDUBU, IKABOBO, HANEEFA, ISHKABIBIL, UMM...AND THE NEWEST MEMBER,
"RINI DIDDY!!!"
Mistney shot awake, "Oops, that's my cue! Sorry, dozed off...SAILOR
MINIMOON!!!"
Rini Diddy ran to the mike and spat, "I AM RINI DIDDY, NEWEST POP STAR
AND FUTURE LOVE SLAVE OF AARON CARTER!!! TOGETHER WE SHALL SHAG LIKE
BUNNIES AND CREATE A NEW SUPERSPECIES THAT WILL BRAINWASH ALL OF YOU INTO
MICHAEL JACKSON'S SERVANTS!!!"
Looking at Rini, Misty regained some of her memory and quickly pounced
on Rini, "OH NO YOU DON'T!!! YOU'RE NOT GONNA PUT THIS WORLD IN DANGER
AGAIN!!!"
Out of nowhere, May Oak busted in with two sub-machine guns and quickly
shot up the first row of Destiny's Child members. Once clear, she
threw a helio bomb into the group and nabbed Mistney, pulling her to safety.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!....drip...drip......drip.....
"Are you okay, Misty?" May asked, but quickly took notice of Rini,
who was still alive.
"HAHAHAHA!!!! YOU CAN'T KILL ME, I AM RINI, DEMIGODDESS OF ANNOYING
ANIME GIRLS!!! MICHAEL JACKSON WILL RULE THE WORLD AND ME AND AARON
CARTER WILL RULE BY HIS CHILD-MOLESTING SIDE!!!" and with that, Rini Diddy
hopped in a car and sped off in the direction of Pallet Town.
George Michael came, "WELL THIS SUCKS!!! THE ENTERTAINMENT'S
DEAD AND ALL THE GAY FESTIVAL GOERS ARE CHASING ELTON JOHN'S ASS FOR SOME
ANAL EXCAVATION...OOPS, DID THAT SLIP?!"
May blew the smoke from her guns, "George Michael, you have to teleport
Misty back to Team Rocket HQ!!! THE FATE OF THE WORLD IS AT STAKE!!!"
Misty sighed, "What's the problem now...?"
(5 confusing minutes later...)
George Michael lisped quickly, "So you're telling me that some maniac
out there is planning world conquest by combining the Three Sacred Pop
Star Objects of Legend, which are Michael Jackson's Old Nose, Aaron Carter's
Sperm, and Britney Spears's Fake Boob, thus brainwashing everyone into
groupie-slaves?!" (A/N I was playing "Legend of Dragoon" when I wrote this
part...)
May Oak nodded while Misty commented, "That's about as bizarre, pointless,
and confusing as a Final Fantasy plot...ACK!!!...POT?! WHERE?! ACK!!!"
George Michael summoned a portal, "LET'S GET YOU BACK THERE PRONTO!!! I DON'T WANNA MISS THE FESTIVAL'S K-Y LUBRICANT WRESTLING TOURNAMENT!!! OOPS, DID THAT SLIP?!"
As they left, May Oak also disappeared into the shadows, "I gotta report
this to my sugar daddy..."
Upstairs at Club LeTwerps (Ash's House) in Pallet Town...
Giselle and Tracey were snuck upstairs by Misty's Staryu and Poliwrath,
both wearing very stylish, mobster-like tuxes. The Psyfather allowed
room rentals on one condition only, which was to conform to the PG-13 rating
on this fic. Bummer. Misty's pokemon chaperoned the door to
enforce the will of the Psyfather, listening intently.
Giselle quickly jumped on Tracey and tongue-kissed his tonsils out.
Tracey mumbled, "MMRRFF...GISELLE!!! MRRFF!!! WE CAN'T
GO ANY FURTHER!!! THE PG-13 RATING!!! THE PSYFATHER MIGHT ORDER
US WACKED WITH WATER GUN IF WE GO NC-17!!!"
"Oh, don't worry Tracey-kins...There're ways around the PG-13 rating..."
Giselle started unbuttoning her Pokemon Tech uniform. Tracey
drooled as, little by little, he could see her cleavage, then some straps,
until...
RIIIIIPPPP!!!!!!
In a swift movement, Giselle ripped off her uniform, to reveal A SKIMPY
LEATHER DOMINATRIX OUTFIT!!!
"OKAY, SLAVE!!! STRIP DOWN TO YOUR BOXERS!!!" Giselle yelled
as she pulled out a LONG whip, "NNNNOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!" *whip-CRACK!!!*
"YIIIEEEEEE!!!!! OUCHIE!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(an hour later...)
"Now, what is my name, Tracey?!"
"Umm...Giselle?!"
"NO!!! *whip-SMACK!!!*
"OUCH!!!"
"FROM NOW ON, YOU CALL ME "PROFESSOR GISELLE, QUEEN OF TRACEY'S ASS!!!" Now...what's my name, again?!"
"Professor Giselle, Queen of Tracey's ass!!!"
"LOUDER WITH CONVICTION!!! *whoosh-whip-SMACK!!!*
"AAAHHHHH!!!! PROFESSOR GISELLE, QUEEN OF TRACEY'S ASS!!!"
Team Rocket HQ...
*PUH-FWORT!!!*
A flash of rainbow colors came next to Ash as he faced off against
Giovanni, revealing both George Michael and Mistney.
"HELLO, MY LITTLE SWEET DREAM TUSH OF DESIRE, OOPS DID THAT SLIP?! I MEAN, HELLO ASH!!! GUESS WHO'S WITH ME?!"
"MISTY!!!" Ash yelped in joy.
Giovanni growled, "WE SHALL HAVE TO SETTLE THIS ANOTHER TIME, PERHAPS
AS THE CLIMACTIC FINAL BATTLE OF THIS FIC!!! OOPS, DID THAT SLIP?!"
With those words, Giovanni sweatdropped for revealing too much of the
future plot and disappeared with a smoke bomb, while Ash shook Misty back
into her senses.
George Michael spoke, "WELL, I HAVE TO RUN. I HAVE TO SAVE ELTON
JOHN FROM GETTING HIS POOPY STUFFED BY DRUNKEN 40-YEAR OLD HOMOSEXUALS,
OOPS DID THAT SLIP?! BYE!!!"and teleported out of there.
Misty came back to her senses and saw Ash's face, "You?! The
boy with the Pikachu?! I'm sorry, but I have some superslut stuck
in my brain and have partial amnesia. Can you help me...remember?!"
Ash thought for a moment and quickly unzipped a bit of Misty's dress
and hickeyed the upper half of her left boob.
Misty's eyes shot open, "OHHHhhh...ASH!!! Your name's Ash!!! Umm...do it again now!!!"
"I think we'll go over the PG-13 rating if we keep going," Ash groaned,
"Hey, look at that. Giovanni conveniently left a secret door behind
his desk open!"
"Maybe we should go in and...ACK!!! SUCK ME AGAIN, ASH!!! RIGHT IN MY PU$$@!^!#@$@!@$%FINGER(author pauses)AND F!#^#^&#$@#!$JERKMELIKEAARONCARTERAND!@%!$!@%!^%!LIKEMYDADUSEDTODO!@!!%@^@#^&$#%!!!!!!!!!!!"
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"
Downstairs at Ash's House in Pallet...
"What did you do to me Jessie???!!! I look like a two-cent slut!!!"
Melody growled as she carefully walked in her new outfit.
Jessie yelled back, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "TWO-CENT SLUT"???!!!! THAT'S HOW I USUALLY DRESS!!!"
"EXACTLY!!! PEOPLE CAN SEE UP MY BUTTCRACK!!! AND WHAT
DID YOU DO TO MY HAIR???!!! IT LOOKS LIKE IT WAS SNORTED BY SNUFFLEUPAGUS
OF SESAME STREET!!! THERE'S NO WAY ASH IS GONNA LIKE ME LOOKING LIKE
THIS!!!"
And now, a public service announcement from your friends at Sesame
Street...
"Please Big Bird!!! I needs mo' elephant Pez!!! Just one
more shot, baby!!! It's me, your old pal Snuffleupagus!!!"
Big Bird pulled his drugs back in his trenchcoat, "I'm sorry, Snuffles
bro!!! I'm cutting you off!!!"
"No...please, no...COME ON!!! PLEASE, MAN!!! I...I...I...I'LL
SUCK YOUR D!%#!!!!"
"Umm, Snuffleupagus...that's physically impossible between us."
A man with a stick up his ass walks in, "Hello. I'm Attorney General
John Asscroft, here with Big Bird and Snuffleupagus with an important message
for all you kids out there. Just say no to drugs!!! It gets
you nowhere in life."
Big Bird scratched his head, "Umm, that's not entirely true. Your boss, George W. Bush snorted coke and he's President!!!"
Snuffleupagus nabbed some pez rocks, "Yeah, and 95% of today's politicians
do drugs, fool around with loose women, and live off corporate money!!!"
Snuffleupagus pulled a gun out of his fur and shot John Asscroft, "Remember
kids. Just say "yes" to drugs, loose women, and corporate money. With any luck, you can enter America's political system!!!"
(A/N Don't flame me, Sesame Street lovers!!! I loved the program
as a kid, too. Just good dirty fun with the old gang.)
This message sponsored by PBS, host to kids programs like Sesame
Street: The Slum Years, Where in the Gulag is Carmen Sandiego?, Wishbone
in China, Barney and the Worker's Union, and the award-winning Jim Lehrer
Cuban Rumba Hour!
Okay...back to Mistney Spearows...(sweatdrops)
Jessie calmed down and thoughtfully answered, "Actually, if you think
about, your chances with Ash are even better. Misty walked around
in a tank top with short shorts and look where it got her..."
"YOU'RE RIGHT!!!" Melody rejoiced and thought, "Soon Ash will fondle
my half-exposed bootycrack...*blush*"
James pondered, "Jessie, I keep hearing strange sounds from upstairs. I could've sworn I heard something about a professor and Tracey's ass?!"
Brock and Sailor Mars turned blue, "Umm, we don't wanna know..."
Team Rocket HQ, 10:00 P.M.
Ash and Mistney walked into a secret vault behind Giovanni's office,
which led into a long hallway lined with pictures of Giovanni and Persian,
some of them at a strip club, some of them with Robert Downey Jr, Charlie
Sheen, Marion Barry, and one very intimate picture of him and Persian hugging
Michael Jackson at the Never-neverland Ranch. They arrived at a dead
end with perhaps the most disturbing blown up photo. It was of Giovanni
on a pink bed only in his briefs hugging Persian in leather. Ash
found a red button, pressed it, and a sound played.
"WHO'S YOUR DADDY, PERSIAN!!!" *SMACK!!!* "PURR-RAAARRR...." "Unnnhh......"
Ash turned blue and sweatdropped,"Umm, Misty?! What was "that"
I just heard?!"
"I REALLY don't wanna know...Look!!! A keypad with a bunch of
letters!!!"
Ash scratched his head, "Now, what letters should we press?!"
"ASH!!!" Mistney yelled, "This one's pretty obvious!!!" she said as
she pressed the letters...
P-E-R-S-I-A-N...*click!*
The vault open and cold smoke poured out. Automatically, a glass
cylinder came out of the cryogenic vault. Inside the glass cylinder
was a round piece of bloody silicone.
The Britney half of Misty's brain growled, "MY BOOB!!!" and reached
out toward the fake tit in the glass.
"MISTY!!! NO!!! YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT TIT'S BEEN!!!"
Ash yelled as he held her back from touching the glass, but only too late...
*BBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!*
Both Ash and Misty were caught in a nasty shock as Britney's psyche
was transferring itself from Misty's body into the fake boob in a glass. They fell back but were soon to be in for the scare of their lives.
"Are you okay, Misty?!"
"Yeah...HEY!!! I'M BACK TO NORMAL!!!...huh?!..Look, Ash!!! The boob!!!"
(insert theme music from the "Terminator" series)
The fake tit started moving and growing, until it busted out of the
glass and slowly gained the shape and look of *gulp* Britney Spears!
"I AM THE B-1000, THE MOST ADVANCED "BITCHINATOR" MODEL OF ALL TIME!!! THE ENTITY KNOWN AS BRITNEY SPEARS IS MERELY A COVER, FOR I AM REALLY A
SILICONE-ALLOY CYBORG FROM A POST-APOCALYPTIC FUTURE WHERE HUMANITY IS
NEAR-EXTINCT AND THE PLANET IS RULED BY CYBORG BLONDES WITH FAKE BOOBS
CONTROLLED BY THE ULTIMATE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE BLONDE COMPUTER, SLUTNET!!!"
Ash murmured, "Well, that's a weird future. You'd think the cyborg
blondes wouldn't need fake boobs..."
Misty giggled and ruminated, "Yeah! Breasts are nature's way
of attracting men and producing milk for offspring. Robots don't
really need them. Slutnet must not be too smart..."
Ash kept himself from laughing, "What else would you expect from a
blonde computer..."
Britney-1000 growled, "HOW DARE YOU INSULT SLUTNET!!! YOU SHALL
PAY FOR YOUR BLASPHEMY WITH MY SEX TOYS OF DESTRUCTION!!!"
Ash and Misty simultaneously while hugging,"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Back in Pallet...
Hidden Pikachu, Crouching Togepi, and Meowthhopper head towards the
house but quickly took notice of the hordes of partygoers and the loud
music making the house literally jump up and down. Completely unaware
of what the hell was going on, Goldeen in a mechanized fishbowl with wheels
drove up to them and pokespoke,
"The Psyfather wishes to meet you, oh Chu Dan Warriors," Goldeen wiggled
its horn, "He's gonna make you an offer you can't refuse..."
Goldeen left, with the theme from the Godfather fading in as he left
while Hidden Pikachu scratched his head, "What did I just see?!"
"Umm...Misty's Goldeen driving a fishbowl with wheels..." Crouching
Togepi sweatdropped.
Meowthhopper continued, "It has a bumper sticker that says 'Death by
Aquarium'"
Hidden Pikachu and his disciples ran up to one of Ash's windows, "OH
DEAR GOD NO!!! IT IS THE MASTURBATORY DEITY, AARON CARTER AND HIS
"RIGHT-HAND MAN", SHAQ (A/N I know. Bad pun.) THEY'RE PREPARING
THE ANCIENT JERKOFF RITUAL OF PRINCE WANG! WE MUST STOP THEM FROM
MASTURBATING IMMEDIATELY!!!"
Meowthhopper covered his eyes, "Too late..."
Next Episode: The Intermission!!! Aaron Carter and Shaq
perform the jerkoff ritual!!! Umm...maybe I shouldn't say anything. Just read the damn intermission...and no, I don't listen to Aaron Carter's
sh!t music!!! I heard a bit of "Come Get It" on those annoying ass
'Radio Disney' commercials that play during the Pokemon block on WB11 and
bummed the lyrics off the net and screwed around with them in very sick
ways!!!
