Oh boy, oh boy. I've been dreaming again. I hate that feeling you get when you can't tell a dream from real life. It's happening too much to me these days. Ever since that accident. I'm not going to open my eyes yet, I know now to be wary of doing that. I was dreaming of Harley and that time we smoked something really bad, really really bad. We were both sick for days. We couldn't even leave the apartment we were so out of it. I don't remember much about that time because my mind just blew, completely blew. I feel like that now. I feel like I have completely lost my mind, like I'm on a bad trip, but I don't do drugs any more, not after that time with Harley. It scared me too much. I like to be in control.
So, I am just going to lie still here whilst I get my head together and listen to the sounds around me.
I wonder if it is morning. I can't tell through my eyelids, sometimes if the sun is steaming in through the trailer window I can feel it's warmth and from the red haze it creates tell that it is mid morning. I'll concentrate on listening; try not to let my mind wander so much. Come on Cade focus.
Ok what do I hear? It's quiet but I
think I can hear someone breathing nearby and a rustle, maybe of paper. Is someone near me reading a paper? It could be Eddie though usually when I wake
up after him he is using the computer; he doesn't go in for hard copy much,
except The Paranoid Times. No other
sounds, no cars no voices.
So where am I? I am thinking maybe I am in the Airstream. But just in case, I will not open my eyes just yet. It is a good survival technique, Jordan taught it to me.
OK. Now I will take in a deep breath.
I must have dozed off for a minute. White light flashed across my eyelids and now there are different sounds penetrating my consciousness. I can smell a scent like the one Jordan wears. Maybe Jordan is here. I open my mouth to speak her name and find I cannot make words, can't make a sound because there is some sort of obstruction in my mouth. I can't swallow either and I am trying not to panic. I won't panic. It could be a Gua experiment so I must keep still and quiet and not let them know I'm awake and on to them.
I give the muscles of my arm an order to raise my hand, but nothing happens. It is as if my brain has been disconnected from my body. I feel completely numb. Sometimes I wake up with that feeling of my leg having gone to sleep. It's a bit frightening at first, then after rubbing it, the circulation resumes and the feeling comes back. I feel like that now, but it is as if my whole body has gone to sleep. I don't feel anything at all. Maybe it is time I opened my eyes. But I am afraid of what I will see. Was I thinking of Hannah and the lost baby? Or was that someone else? Everything is mixed up and confused. Must have been one hell of a party.
Ok I think it happened again. I think I lost some time there because the air feels cooler and the sounds are different. I can hear some sort of machinery like a pump of some sort and I know there is no pump in the Trailer. So, I am not in my bed in the trailer. There is a powerful smell of flowers like you only ever get when someone is…when someone has…
Is that why I can't feel anything?
Did they get me at last? Did they take my brain out of my body? Did they finally dissect me? Am I dead?
