Prologue

A dark, bat-shaped figure ran atop the buildings of Gotham City, jumping off one, and swooping through the alleys. The Bat landed in front of the S-Mart Arena, scanning the area for wrong-doings. Off in the distance, somewhere behind the arena, Batman saw a 76 year old thug assaulting a 20 year old man. Using his grappling gun, the Dark Knight swung over to the scene of the crime. Drawing his Bat-baseball bat, he stuck the old woman with a violent blow to the knees. "Naughty spawn! It is time to face the penalties for your actions!" The killing, skull-crushing blow came with a can of creamed corn. "Are you all right citizen?" asked the brave hero.

"Yeah dude. Bitch stole my blunts. Got any?"

"Those are illegal! Time to face the penalty." The young man was soon sprawled on the ground, in critical condition from the devastating Bat-corn attack. Batman was about to leave the area when he noticed a poster proudly displayed in front of the ticket office. Coming Soon: Backstreet Boys in Concert. With Special Guests Britney Spears and N'Sync.

A new evil was growing in the bowels of Gotham, and only two people could stop it. The Bat explained the situation to his partner via the Bat-communicator. "Holy shit, Batman!" said the startled Ash.

"Yes, partner. We better meet in Jim's office in 15 minutes. It's time for some violence!"

The creators of Batman Meets Evil Dead

Present:

A PumaMav Enterprises Production:

The New Adventures of Batman and Ash - The Ultimate Darkness

A Saga Written By:

The Amazing Colossal Puma Man

Based on an Original Story By:

L. Ron Hubbard

And Thus Produced By:

John Travolta

Directed By:

Alan Smithee


1

Batman and Ash stood in front of Commissioner Gordon's desk. Their strategy session had begun and the trio were plotting to destroy the bad music menace that threatened their fair city. "To be honest, Batman," began Gordon, "Gotham City had never encountered such a vile, palpable evil in its long, tortuous existence. Supervillains, demons--that's nothing compared to these...boy bands and pop stars. Why the only thing worse than this was the time Richard Simmons held a fitness competition here."

"I know Jim," replied the Bat. "Fuck Jonathan Crane--that guy was the real master of fear. It was lucky for all of us that Two-Face escaped from Arkham and destroyed the so-called 'fitness guru.' Harvey earned his Presidential pardon and immunity clause for that act of benevolence. He saved us all from a fate worse than death."

"Yeah," said Ash. "That guy sure was bleeding to the oldies by the time old acid-face was done with him." The group let out a laugh, but soon it was back to business at hand.

"I have a plan," said Batman. He pressed a button on his utility belt and a teenage boy came in through the office window. Tim Drake was dressed in a leather jacket and his hair was spiked with a blond dye job. "Robin here is instrumental in our plan. He is to infiltrate the boy bands, while Ash and I wait in the audience. The rest will be quick and bloody. Well, bloody anyway."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on just one second there padre. I ain't doing nothing until you tell me just what we're doing."

"Trust me Ash. It'll be fun."

2

"Who are you again?" asked the security guard while looking over the disguised Robin.

"My name is...uh...Timmy D. I'm part of the band."

"Right." The security guard once again eyed Robin suspiciously. "Which group did you say you were a part of again?"

"Err, I don't know. To tell you the truth we usually forget what band we are."

The guard's face broke out in a smile as he let out a small chuckle. "Well, your story check out. Okay, go on ahead in."

Tim nodded to the guard and walked to the backstage area. Upon hearing a set of footfalls, he turned around a corner. Taking a quick peek, he saw Britney Spears heading toward his direction, angrily. "I thought they were going to fucking vamp!" As she rounded the corner, Robin hit her over the head with a batarang and dragged her into a dressing room. Grabbing a portable CD player from his utility belt, he put it on the ironically titled "singer" and played one of her own albums. She soon woke up in pain, her ears bleeding. Within a minute, her head burst in a mess of blood and brain matter.

"Nice," muttered Robin. "Time to get changed for the big show."

The Backstreet Boys passed by the dressing room, laughing to themselves. "So our manager said that some little dying girl wanted to see us backstage. I called her and told her I'd send her an officially licensed Backstreet Boys dildo so she could go fuck herself. That reminds me, I have to buy a new one for myself."

3

"Stop here, Alfred," ordered Bruce Wayne, wearing his concert-going Devo t-shirt.

"Yes, Master Bruce. When shall I pick you and Mr. Williams up?"

"I'll contact you when we're done.."

"Very well, sir. I shall park behind the arena and drink my twelve gallon bottle of homemade moonshine, while I await your call. If you're there longer for twenty minutes I'll make a quick stop at the liquor store for more drinks."

"Cutting down on the booze, huh Al?" said Ash as he and Bruce left the limo.

Ash adjusted the collar on his blue denim shirt with his mechanical hand, constructed from a gauntlet he obtained in his trip to the year 1300. "Let's go Batsie." The two of them walked through security checkpoint, handing over their tickets and entering the arena.

"Nice box seats, moneybags." Bruce returned Ash comment with a scowl. After a few minutes the show started.

"Welcome everybody to ShitFest '01. I'm Pauly Shore and I'll be your emcee for the evening. So let's get down to business, okay buh-uddies? First up, Britney Spears."

Tim heard his cue and adjusted the steroid-enhanced cantaloupes under his shirt and put in his wig. "All right, it's almost time." He ran out on stage in his new disguise and began performing. "I'd like to play a new song I just made up for ya'll! Hit it!

"Baby baby baby! Oh baby! Baby baby baby baby! Oh baby baby! Baby! Baby baby!"

In the seats below his box, Bruce overhead one of the Spears fans comment, "You know, aside from her amazing voice, she really is a lyrical genius."

Tim finished his set and went backstage again. Bruce and Ash took this opportunity to go to the bathroom and change. Bruce became Batman, the Dark Knight, and avenger for justice. Ash replaced the gauntlet with his trusty chainsaw. "Groovy."

As Batman and Ash returned to their box, Tim changed into his Robin costume and locked all the exits backstage. There was no escape. The terrible menace must end this night. The boy bands arrived on stage.

"Ooooooooh yeah!" began the teaming of N'Sync and the Backstreet Boys, singing their newest song. "We like to sodomize one another! One end to another! Front to back to front to back, oh you've got that right Jack! Our love was meant to beeeeeee! So we express it--illegally!"

"That's it!" cried Batman. "I can't take this any longer! Let's do this, now!" He took a batarang from his belt and threw it at one of the ceiling lights. The light came crashing to the stage, crushing every bone in the body of the Backstreet Boy currently singing. Batman and Ash hooked their grappling guns to the jumbotron and made their way to the stage.

Ash swung by the lead N'Sync singer, decapitating him with his chainsaw arm before even touching the ground. Immediately he stuck the saw in another one of the Backstreet Boys. "You like it that way?" quipped Ash as he drew his shotgun and blew the Boy's face off. The demon-killer turned his head away to avoid the spray of blood and other giblets.

Meanwhile, Batman swung on his rope, knocking over one of the Backstreet Boys with his feet. He jumped off the rope and turned around, throwing a batarang at the fallen Boy as he was struggling to his feet. The weapon stuck itself into the "musician"'s forehead, killing him instantly. "Good, bad...I'm the guy with the batarang."

"Hey!" yelled Ash as he overheard the comment. "You stole my line, walrus-fucker! You work for 3d Realms or something?" Before Batman could answer, each were attacked by a member of N'Sync, limply slapping their quarry. Within seconds two more bloody messes were sprawled on the floor. "Four to go."

"Make that three!" Ash turned his head to see Robin holding the severed head of an N'Sync member, trailed by the spinal cord and a steady stream of blood. "Don't ask how," replied the boy to the gaping mouths of Batman and Ash.

The three heroes surrounded and began to circle the three remaining "musicians." Ash prepared his chainsaw. Batman drew a baseball bat, demonstrating where the name Batman came from. Robin borrowed Ash's shotgun. The stage became permanently dyed a deep shade of crimson. The mission was accomplished; the deed was done. They needed an exit. Batman grabbed Pauly Shore, who was in a fetal position next to the locked exit. The three used their grappling hook guns and scaled to the ceiling. They burned their way through the roof using the bat-blowtorch and went away in the Batwing.

4

A week later Batman, Ash, and Robin relaxed in the cabin in the woods, just outside Deerborne, Michigan. They saw on the news how the world celebrated the deaths they had caused. Meanwhile, they had Pauly Shore locked in the basement. "It's time to finish him off," said Batman, handing Ash a replica of the Phantasm suit worn by Bruce's ex-girlfriend. Ash replaced his hand with a curved blade and the two went down into the basement, while Robin switched on the television.

"Pauly Shore, your angel of death awaits!" said Ash, in his costume.

"What the heck are you, buh-uddies? Aaaaahooooo!"

"I'm Batman!" They started the tape and left the basement. Pauly Shore was subjected to horrors beyond anyone's imagination. The Blair Witch Project, followed by Battlefield Earth. Then the evil that hath only one name...BioDome.

"Shit!" exclaimed Ash. "His face melted."

"That's to be expected from those...movies," replied Batman. "Ironic punishment, don't you think?" He took a can of bat-Lysol from his belt and sprayed the corpse. "Let's go watch some more television."

"No, this can't be!" exclaimed Robin as they all stared at the tv. 98 Degrees was on the television. "Didn't we kill them? I mean they look exactly like..."

"Our work's not done yet. This is only the beginning."