5

The Batwing left a firey streak as it blazed through the night sky. Batman's pulse quickened as he maneuvered through skyscrapers, juking the flight stick to avoid any collisions. The craft climbed up and exited the Gotham city limits. "It's time to start building our team," said Batman. "New Zealand first. Are you sure this guy will help us?"

"Yeah, we were in a show together," replied Ash. "Of course it was cancelled and they made that piece of shit Cleopatra an hour long. Hey, let's go kill the television executives next."

"First thing's first, buddy." It was just after midnight when the Batwing landed outside their quarry's church. Batman and Ash rushed out of the plane to find Father McGruder fighting off a horde of zombies. "We have to help him!"

"Already on it, Batsie!" Ash ran up to zombie and lopped its head off with his trusty chainsaw arm. He jumped away as a geyser of blood erupted from the undead's neck. He took out his shotgun, while Batman took out the bat-shotgun. The two of them started blasting zombies, while the priest used his deadly Catholic fighting arts to decimate the demon ranks. Soon the ground was littered with headless corpses and zombie limbs.

"Thanks boys."

"Father, we've come seeking your help. We're on a mission to stop a vast conspiracy and destroy the boy bands."

"Truly a holy mission against such a great evil, touched by the devil. I'm with you!"

"Teacher, I colored in the lines this time!" The kindergarden teacher took the coloring book from her student and handed it to the man claiming to be the student's uncle.

A tear came from Ash's eye as he saw the poorly colored picture of his fallen friend, Pikachu. He looked at the student and said, "Come on, Keanu, let's go."

The student gave Ash a dirty look and punched him in the face. "The name's Neo!"

"Argh, you bastard! Err, sorry. Anyway, let's go. We have an important job to do."

"Whoa."

"Neo, don't forget your math homework."

"Aww, bogus, man!"

6

The Batwing landed in the middle of Disney World under the cover of night. "There's definately an evil in the air," said McGruder. "Disney...how we gonna separate this darkness from our true objective, ace?"

"When 98 Degrees performed on television, I used the bat-computer to lock onto the broadcast signal. With this tracking device, we can hone in on the origin...and I have a feeling that we'll be able to get to the bottom of this whole conspiracy there. Now, let's get to the rendezvous point."

The elite death squad met at a bar in the outskirts of the city, formulating a plan. When the session was over, Batman turned on the tracking device and led the way to their target.

7

Outstretched in front of them was a giant black tower of doom. "I don't know how we missed this when we flew overhead," said Batman.

"Well maybe if you didn't put those white contacts over your eyes when you're wearing the mask, you'd be able to see better," replied Ash. The Batman glared at Ash--or at least tried to.

As the group approached the dark tower, a generic wise man appeared in front of them. "Who the fuck are you?"

"When you enter the tower, you will face many challenges. The answers you seek are at the top of the tower."

"Yeah whatever, spinach chin," said Ash. "But how the hell do you know this? And who are you?"

"The first challenge--" Before the generic wise man could finish his insane ramblings, a very pissed-off Ash blew the man's face away with his boomstick.

"Finally he shut his face-though it's about twelve feet from his body now. Now let's crack this egg wide open."

"Hold up there, Ash. I"ll scale up to the top of the building and enter from the roof. You guys work your way up from the ground floor."

"Not wait just one minute Batboy. Why the hell--" Before Ash could finish his sentence, Ash was halfway up the tower. "Damn it, I hate it when he does that. All right kiddies, let's go!"

8

The Cigarette Smoking Man took a drag and set his Morley down in the ash tray. "They're getting closer to discovering our secret conspiracy. Did you take down the sign?"

"Yes," replied the genetically altered chimpanzee. He motioned to the giant neon sign pointing out the "Evil Secret Conspiracy Headquarters."

"Excellent, the master will be pleased." The Smoking Man lit up another cigarette.

"What of our little problem?" asked the android.

"They're on the rap floor right now," said the Smoking Man. He pushed a button on the comlink. "Puffy, get ready." He heard dozens of guns cocking over the intercom. "Excellent."

Neo pressed the button on the hand-held detonator and watched the door shatter into thousands of pieces of shrapnel. "Whoa, that was totally cool, dudes."

"Ready everyone?" asked Ash and he revved the chainsaw and pumped the shotgun.

Father McGruder nodded. Neo took a couple of Desert Eagles out of his coat. "Groovy. Let's go!" The three ran through the front door. Only to be greeted by a group of rappers, obviously part of the vast shitty music conspiracy.

"Yo punk ass bitch ass motherfuckers! We're gonna fuck you motherfuckers up, beeyatch!" Each of the five rappers pulled out their standard gangsta rapper AK-47s.

"Let's get them!" yelled a voice from the top of the stairs. Puff Daddy leaped off the top of the stairs, wielding a pair of Glocks, John Woo style. Puffy played his new song: a sampling of Vanilla Ice's classic Ninja Rap his own rapping included-an extra verse about Krang, the evil brain from Dimension X. Neo shot all the speakers, took out a boombox, and began playing the lobby shootout music from The Matrix.

Neo got up from the box he was hiding behind, did a midair flip, and shot up one of the rappers. He landed behind the crate Ash was using for cover. The bullet-ridden rapper crumpled to the ground, leaking blood. The corpse's jacket opened up and a load of stolen watches fell out. Ash jumped up and fired a load of buckshot from his shotgun. It struck true and shattered one rapper's skull. Brain matter oozed out at the lifeless body hit the floor. "Where the hell is Batsie?" yelled Ash above the gunfire. Nobody answered. Neo and Ash simultaneously jumped up and took out a rapper.

"Yo yo, I be dead, motherfucker!" screamed a rapper as a bullet penetrated his heart, causing the life to leave him. That left only Puffy and one of his rapper henchmen. They both concentrated their fire toward Ash and Neo, giving Father McGruder an opportunity. He snuck behind the henchman and performed a roundhouse kick, knocking the head from the rapper's body. He then thrust his fist through the torso, pulling out intestines. Before Puffy could retaliate, the priest wrapped the small intestines around the talentless hack's neck, and choked him to death. "The unholy rap menace has been purged from the Lord's green Earth.

The Crusaders of Justice, led by the intrepid Ash, made their way up the stairs. They had all seen many horrors in their lives, but nothing could prepare them for the frightening image that awaited them behind the next door.

9

A great machine occupying the entire floor sprawled out before the intrepid group. Dozens of tanks, each holding the body of an identical pretty-boys, were connected to the device. Three of the liquid-filled containers emptied and opened, revealing three dark clones, each one worthy to inherit command of the hell-spawned armies of Beelzebub himself. One of the creatures, who would frighten even mighty Cthulhu, spoke.

"My name...is Chad."

"I am to be known as BJ."

"I'm Julian and we're three-fifths of..."

"KEEBLER'S FUDGE PATROL!" they all chanted in feminine voices.

A trio of headshots by Neo took out the demon-spawn. "Come on," said Ash. "Let's put an end to this once and for all!" He pulled the cord on his chainsaw arm and charged the device, severing the life support systems of the tank. Fluid spilled all over the floor, and the clones screamed in horror, waking up only to die. Bile oozed from their mouths as they choked and returned to the dark place from whence they came. Before they could finish their work, however, they were greeted by a new threat.

An elevator opened and several dark and shadowy figures emerged. One, the Cigarette Smoking Man. Two and three, Al Gore and George W. Bush. And last, but not least, the King of Pedophile, Lou Pearlman, creator of the boy bands. "Hello boys. Perhaps you'd like an explanation to what's going on here. Since I am the villain in this poorly written derivative piece of fiction, I suppose an exposition falls on my shoulders.

"You see it is my plan to completely and utterly destroy all of humanity, plain and simple. First, by wiping out good music and flooding the marketplace with these god-awful boy bands and talentless saline-enhanced jail-bait. Then I will destroy America...I mean at the last election, these two fools were your only choices. One an evil android dedicated to censorship and control of the media, and the other a genetically-altered chimpanzee, addiction to cocaine, and trained to give blow jobs to corporate CEOs."

"I give a nice rim job too!" interjected Bush.

"Yes, Smirky. Now quiet! And to help coordinate this elaborate plot, is the Cigarette Smoking dude from The X-Files. I just think he's cool, and downright sexy, for an older boy. I normally don't like them over 18, but I make exceptions."

"Vile fiend! It's bad enough every single one of my collegues in the Catholic minister are card-carrying members of the North American Man Boy Love Association, but you've gone too far! DIE!" McGruder charged the sick fuck, only to be impaled by a large bowie knife, with the blade crafted in a phallic shape.

"Now, all your friends will follow suit. If you will not turn...then you will be destroyed!"

"Not if we can help it!" came a voice as the window shattered. Batman had returned. "I brought some friends from the JLA! Meet Superman and Green Lantern."

Gore turned to greet the newcomers. "Greetings Kal-El. It is time to reveal my true identify." He ripped off the poorly-constructed human mask. "It is I, Brainiac!"

"For Krypton, bitch! Superman ripped the android's head off as the others engaged their foes."

Bush took a hit off his crack pipe and charged the heros. Batman ripped off his mask, to reveal Bruce Wayne, CEO of Wayne Enterprises. Bush screamed and opened his mouth. Ash, however, rammed his boomstick down the crack baby's throat and blasted away. "You know how much gas for the Delta costs me, you fuck-head?" asked the demon-killer to the gooey chunks of neck and windpipe on the floor.

Neo shot the CSM in the head 50 times and cheered, asking Batman for some candy as a reward.

Green Lantern looked at the most vile creature there, Pearlman, and held his fist out, ring toward the groin area. "Here's a little trick I learned from Spaceballs!" A jade beam of energy lanced out from the power ring, striking Lou in the most painful of areas.

Pearlman dropped for a minute, then stood up defiantly. "Fool, I have no frank or beans!" He motioned and Kyle was knocked across the room. "For I am an ancient power beyond human comprehension." A claw burst from his chest and a creature emerged from the dead human skin. A voice sounded in the heads of all the heros. [I AM THE LORD OF HATE ITSELF, THE GREATER DEMON KNOWN AS BEREYZAX! MARY-KATE, ASHLEY, COME TO YOUR MASTER!]

Two dark imps appeared before the creature, revealing their true forms. [NOW HEROS, YOU SHALL MEET YOUR DOOM AND SUFFER MY ETERNAL WRATH IN THE FIREY PITS OF HELL!]