Title: Of Wishing Wells and Daydreams
Summary: Someone has a little growing up to do.
Archive: Want it?
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Comments: I know, I know, Dawn/Spike hints, eew! But I just thought it might be interesting.
The girl is like, 15. That's how old Buffy was, so it's not so bad.
Feedback: kimmie@quincymail.com




I thought I'd always have someone around to lean on, someone to take care of me. Big
surprise- turns out I was wrong all along. I guess I was really shaken about Mom's death. No one
I'd ever known had actually died, although it is pretty frequent around here. I just never thought
it would hit so close to home, and with something as serious as cancer. I was mad at first, mad
at Buffy, mad at the Gang, and mad at myself. It wasn't fair that I had only been with her for a
year, and that everyone else had known her for so long. I was her child, or so I thought, and I
hardly knew her. Being loved is a nice feeling, it makes you feel needed and safe. When Mom
died, I had nothing left. I'd never really been close to Buffy, and it was hard to tell her how I felt.
Suddenly I was floating in a world where no one cared, and nothing mattered. I didn't
want to think, feel, move, speak, and do anything ever again. As awful as it sounds, it wasn't all
about Mom leaving. It was about my safety, my feelings, and me. Looking back, it sounds like
I'm a spoiled little princess, but in truth, I was just eager to feel like I belonged somewhere.
Without Mom, I didn't think I'd ever belong again. I felt so good when I finally connected with
Buffy. She's my sister, and I've always loved her, I've just never really known her, not since we
were younger.
I'm not even really normal, and finding that out hurts. I've always dreamed about what it
would be like if I was the slayer, and if everyone's life revolved around mine, but I never pictured
I'd be something so helplessly useless. I only bring pain, and if I could, I'd like to change things.
I wouldn't want to be a fake human, something made from an object or a spell of some type. It
isn't fair what they did to me, what they did to my family. The hurt that comes with finding a
secret like this is terrible, and even worse when people start dying and getting hurt because a
crazy goddess is out to get you. Giles was hurt, Willow was hurt, and Spike and Buffy were hurt.
If it weren't for me, none of this would be happening. No one can imagine how I feel, having to
be protected and coddled all the time. If I so much as go for a walk, someone has to come with
me, and it has to be a short distance from home, and Buffy has to be in rage of sight. I'm not
blaming anyone, because it is my fault, but I just would prefer to be taught some things to
defend myself. Maybe people would stop being hurt if I could protect myself.
In this past year, I've seen so much, done even more, and just been a part of something
amazingly frightening. This is coming from the girl who is always sheltered. Think of what it must
be like for Buffy, risking her life for people who will never know her name, never know she
existed. I'd like to get her some recognition, scream out her accomplishments from the top of a
mountain. It makes me want to cry, thinking how she's going to die way too young, in a grizzly,
painful way to save humankind, who'll sit at home in their living rooms eating popcorn; watching
TV and never knowing her. I've also met a lot of great people: all the Scoobies, the LA gang,
Spike. I don't know what it is about him, but something in that dark exterior and lighter inside
makes me want to know him better.
I know, I know, it seems kind of weird that I feel this way, but Buffy was my age when
she started dating Angel, so I don't see the problem. Of course, Buffy would have a problem, and
Giles and the others, well, except Tara, would have a problem, but that wouldn't matter, because
love overcomes everything. I don't think I could change him, and in truth I don't really want to. I
like that he plays the bad boy, even though he tries to be good. People don't give him enough
credit. He, also, seems to be obsessed with my gorgeous sister, and even if he weren't, he'd
never even think of looking at me twice. I'm not skinny enough, I don't have blonde hair, and my
looks are passable, but not enough to attract him. I have to face it, one, I'm only a danger to
him, two, Buffy would kill him if he ever even thought about me in a way more than friendly, and
three, I'm just not mature enough.
Part of growing up is getting mature, which basically means facing facts. I'm facing
them, as painful as they may be. It's hard being an adult, but sometimes, it's even harder just
being me. Dawn Summers is not a person. She wasn't born and she didn't grow. I just appeared
as I am now, and I'll age normally from now on. I was created. Sounds like something out of a
warped sci-fi novel, but it's the complete truth. That's the scary thing.
I have these memories that didn't really happen. In one of them, I'm just about 5 years
old, I was with Buffy and my mom in some park or reserve somewhere, and there was a little
well, full of pennies shining up at me from the bottom. I was a little scared of the depth, the
musty smell of mildew along the slimy sides, but my mother told us that it was a wishing well,
something to throw a coin and wish on. We could wish for anything, she said, and it would come
true, because magic is important to believe in when you're small. Well, Buffy and I threw in coins
one at a time, taking turns with out wishes. I wished to be a princess and live in a big castle with
a handsome prince, just like in the fairytales. Travelling along the path I'm on has made me
realize that there are no wishing wells, no fairytales. Life is just one hard bump after another,
and I've come to terms with a lot of my past bumps, and realized that there are many more
coming up. That is what growing up and becoming mature is all about. That is what it means to
be an adult, to realize that your prince is never going to come, your fifteen minutes of fame will
never come, you'll never be known, and you just have to live with those as fact. Reading this
over, I also realize that I've got a lot more growing up to do.