Ok I wrote this late one night and it's my first attempt so don't be too hard on me

Ok I wrote this late one night and it's my first attempt so don't be too hard on me.  Write to me at devil_went_down@yahoo.co.ukand my name is Katie Hill.

Summer holidays.

Setting: On the bridge. Everyone is bored Harry is playing snake, Tuvok is listening to a Discman, and Chakotay is painting Seven's nails.

Janeway: Mr. Tuvok any thing to report… Tuvok!

Tuvok: Lola l-o-l-a Lola What?

Janeway: Report Tuvok I don't ask for much, only for you to listen to me occasionally.

Tom: Captain we always listen to you when don't we?

Harry EAT THE TURKEY!! FOR GOD'S SAKE, EAT THE TURKEY!

(Looks around)

Harry: HIGH SCORE! I rule (continues to chant and dance around)

Janeway: see no one cares I am going to sulk in my cabin and later I'm going to risk all of our lives in a suicide mission HA HA.

Seven: the boredom is driving us all mad.

Chakotay: keep still or it won't be right.

(Janeway flounces off to her cabin and sits down)

Janeway: see they don't even follow me out. Maybe I'll blow up the ship yeah that would so show them. (continues evil rantings for around an hour)

Q: I care captain I care so much. So I'm going to make all of your lives so much more fun.

Janeway: can I kill tom? Ooh and Neelix and Naomi and Seven and-

Q: Enough.

(Q clicks his fingers and the entire senior crew appear on a beach.)

Q; I've infected them with 'soapitis' Mahahah they will be just like soap opera people. Mahahah Mahahah Mahahah.

B'lanna: where are we?

Tom: a beach, god you really are a dunce.

(B'lanna hits him and storms off he trails after her apologising)

Janeway: lets split up and find out where Q has put us.

(Everyone splits up the Doctor, Seven and Neelix head to the houses close by, Tuvok and Harry head for the lifeguard tower, Chakotay and Janeway go for the Café)

Harry: so we are on a beach eh what's with that?

Tuvok: Don't make conversation. It makes you seem even more idiotic.

I am going to go buy cookies

Harry: I'm not sure if the Capt-

Tuvok: I'll but you an ice cream.

Harry: five

Tuvok: agreed.

Seven: this is futile we should locate Q.

Neelix: but the captain said to find voyager.

Seven; Q

Neelix: VOYAGER

Seven: Q    

Neelix: VOYAGER

 Doctor: Stop fighting now. We will search for Q and voyager at the same time agreed.

Chakotay: we have been looking in the sky for an hour for voyager. Maybe it's not there.

Janeway: it has to be what would I do without it. I need it. I need to be in charge dammit.

Chakotay: why don't we take a break in that bar over there.

Janeway: ok but then we have to start looking again.

B'lanna: I never want to see you again ever you don't respect me at all.

Tom: I do I love you

B'lanna: no its over good bye.

B'lanna: finally, an excuse now I'm gonna get me a real man who doesn't have a wussy haircut.

Tom: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

B'lanna: you'll live. See ya.

(Walks off humming 'girls just wanna have fun'.)

Q: still isn't good enough. Needs more people. Haven't visited. DS9 lately. A quick click and instant drama. Mahahah Mahahah Mahahah.

(Cisco, Worf, Jadzia, Bashir, Odo, Kira and O'Brien appear.)

Cisco: Looks like a note,

      

Dear DS9,

                     Haven't seen you in awhile and thought I'd have some fun. You can't escape so just go with it. The crew of voyager are also here so catch up and pass on that you are all here for two weeks. No escapes so enjoy. Q.

                    

Worf: not Q again I hate him.

Ob (O'Brien): remember the tights (shudders)

Jadzia: might as well enjoy it.

Kira: two weeks paid vacation.

Cisco: that's the spirit.

Worf: I will attempt to escape immediately.

Jadzia: it's impossible so we might as well enjoy ourselves. (Gives him a 'look')

Worf: but we have duties on DS9 and what about the dominion and Cardassians? (realises she gave him a 'look') never mind.

Cisco: ok so split up and have fun.

Kira: look horses lets go for a ride?

Odo: or go to that café up there?

Kira: ok

Janeway: Put horses heads in people beds 'cause iiiiiii am the mob when duties call gonna bust some ballllllls cause iiiiiii am the mob.

Odo: aah the voyager crew. If memory serves me that's the captain.

Cisco: yeah I was in the academy with her.

Chakotay: ok Katherine you are the mob but why don't you stop singing.

Janeway: NO I like singing.

Chakotay; why do you always make a scene wherever we go. Come down or I'm leaving.

Janeway: NO NO NO! (stamping her foot)

Chakotay: fine. (to Kira, Cisco and Odo) she's your problem now.

Bashir: I wonder what the hospitals are like here. I could do research. You can help. Maybe a comparison between here and the federation. It would be fun.

Ob: pub! I mean oh look a café why don't we go and have some alcoho… food.

Bashir: yes get our strength up.

Tom: hello…sigh

Doctor: what's wrong with you?

Tom; B'lanna dumped me WHAT AM I GOING TO DO I cant LIVE without her I love her (starts crying)

Neelix: I know just how you feel when Kes and I …

Tom: it's nothing like that I love her (wails loudly)

Seven: condolences. have you seen voyager?

Tom: WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

(The Doctor, Seven and Neelix look embarrassed and creep away)

Jadzia: look he's crying … idiot.

Worf: Men don't cry.

Tom: Jadzia is that you????

Jadzia: oh no I used to date him. Run and I'll pretend I don't know him.

Worf: he's gaining on us go faster.

Tom: Jadzia slow down my legs don't know how to walk as fast as yours.

Jadzia: maybe we should stop and you can beat him up.

Worf: no we will not surrender.

Jadzia: look a café we can hide there.

Worf: he's catching up.

Janeway: and none of them appreshiate me, hic, And they ignore me and im supposshhed to short out all of, hic, all of their problemsh.

Cisco: poor you. will you let go of my arm now my fingers have gone numb.

Janway: no then you'll leave me they alwaysh leave you take

Chak, hic,otay he's suppossshedd to be my firsht offisher and he left me here.

Cisco: look its O'Brien and Bashir. Over here. Sit and that's an order.

Waitress: what can I get you all?

Ob: bottle of whiskey

Kira: red wine.

Bashir: synthale.

Cisco: make that two.

Janeway: bottle of vodka, two aftershocks, bottle of tequila.

Cisco: maybe you shouldn't have all of that.

Janeway: ssshut up I'll tell you when I've had enough.

Kira: where did odo go?

Jadzia: look it's Benjamin, we can hid behind him.

Worf: (with terror in his voice) hurry before he sees us

Cisco: Worf Jadzia what can we do for you

Jadzia: talk later hide now.

Tom: JADZIA where are you?

Janeway: Tom join us. What's wrong?

Tom: B'lanna dumped me but I saw my old girlfriend and I've been chasing after her. She must not have heard me.

Janeway: whatsss her name hic?

Tom: Jadzia. Captain are you drunk?

Janeway: nopesshey ish thish her? (points to Jadzia now rolled up in ball under the table)

Jadzia: ah found my earring thanks for helping me look my HUSBAND Worf.

Tom: you are married? I've just been dumped and I thought…

Jadzia: nope I'm married.

(Chakotay is sitting in a different dingyer looking bar)

Chakotay: when ever we go on holidays together it always happens she gets drunk and sings and we fight.

Bartender: well why don't you just get a divorce find yourself a new wife.

Chakotay: she's my captain.

Bartender: I know it might seem that way but you can live without her.

Chakotay; no she is the captain of my ship and I love her.

Odo; know the feeling I've been in love with Major Kira for years.

Chakotay: but if she rejects you every thing would be different.

Odo: I know

Bartender: why don't you get them drunk and then ask them if they are in love with you?

Odo; that would be underhanded and wrong.

Chakotay: but it might work.

Odo: I'm in if you are.

Seven: voyager must be here.

Neelix: I'm tired can we go now?

Doctor: seven we can't find voyager now why don't we find the others.

Seven: fine but I wanted to keep looking and you wouldn't let me and im telling the captain that.

Neelix: cough(baby)

Seven: I heard that. Doctor he called me a baby

Neelix: did not can't prove it

Seven: did so

Doctor: STOP IT YOU HAVE BEEN AT THIS ALL DAY AND I CAN'T STICK IT ANYMORE.

Seven: who's cranky?

Neelix: what's his problem?

Tom: you really don't know how lucky you are neither did I until I lost her (wails loudly)

Worf: there there let go of me now or I'll be forced to kill you.

Cisco: Be nice he's just had his heart broken.

(Jadzia and Kira are sitting at a different table with Janeway)

Kira: god no wonder they haven't tried to find voyager they are all so whiny.

Jadzia : I know I should rescue Worf but that would require effort and movement.

Janeway: I HATE MY CREW

Kira: how drunk is she?

Jadzia: she just can't hold her liquor.

Kira: you couldn't drink that much

Jadzia: could too I'll prove it I can drink you under the table

Kira: I'll kick your ass

Ob; I can drink you both under the table.

Jadzia: winner gets to…

Kira: bar of latinum?

Ob: hit tom?

Jadzia: to not pay losers split the bill.

Ob: waitress take our orders.

Tuvok: sing ensign we require money

Harry: I don't wanna

Tuvok: do you want me to hurt you I need money to purchase cookies.

Harry: I don't wanna

Tuvok: SING NOW

Harry: I met her in a club down in north soho where you drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry cola

Tuvok: louder so every one can here

Harry: c-o-l-a cola she walked up to me and she asked me to dance… some thing something Lola l-o-l-a lo-

B'lanna: Harry what are you doing?

Harry: Tuvok is making me sing for money please help me!

B'lanna: if I don't tell the captain I get half the money

Tuvok: 40%

B'lanna: 45%

Tuvok: agreed

B'lanna: sing Harry I want cash.

Kira: ( on stage with a karaoke machine) well I don't know why I came here tonight I got the feeling that something ain't right I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair and I'm wondering how to get down the stairs.

Jadzia: clowns to the left of me jokers to the right here I am stuck in the middle with you.

Bashir: they're singing.

Kira and Jadzia: pleeeeeasssse pleeeeeaaaassseeeeee

(Chakotay and odo enter)

Odo: looks like Kira is already drunk.

Chakotay: so is Katherine oh no she's getting up to sing.

Janeway: All the small things. True care truth gleams ill take one lift you're my best trip. Always I know you'll be at my show watching waiting anticipating. Say it ain't so I will not go…

Chakotay: she is a great singer.

Odo: love is definitely blind and deaf

Chakotay: you don't like her singing?

Odo: she sounds like a cat being tortured

Janeway: say it ain't so I will not go turn the lights off carry me nananananannnanannnnananannnananananananananan…

Chakotay: take that back

Odo: I speak the truth

Chakotay: well Kira has a mans haircut

Odo: I keeell you.

Chakotay: bring it on puddle man

(Odo and Chakotay start fighting. Seeing his chance to escape Tom, Worf goes to 'stop' them (sub 'beat the crap out of both of them' in for stop))

Jadzia: go on Worf you kick some ass

Kira: I bet a strip of latinum on Odo

Janeway: Chakotay is dead. oh no. Another shot of tequila ladies.

Both: fill it up.

B'lanna: Harry if we don't make some serious cash soon I'll kill you.

Harry: tom won't let you

B'lanna: I've dumped tom so no protection.

Tuvok: you dumped Mr. Paris?

B'lanna: yeah the whole relationship thing was getting old.

Tuvok: so who are you with now?

B'lanna: I have a date with that blue guy tomorrow night.

Tuvok: aah good choice.

Tuvok: ensign I don't hear singing.

Harry: the devil went down to Georgia and he was looking for a soul to steal…

Worf: I am victorious.

Jadzia: good boy I'm winning the drinking contest.

Worf: that's my girl.

Jadzia: what happened whiny boy?

Worf: I tied him up with Odo and tattoo boy.

Jadzia: nice final touch.

Kira: Worf go free Odo that's an order

Jadzia: why?

Kira: I need some one to carry me to my quarters.

(Cisco and Bashir who are sitting alone and extremely sober look bored)

Bashir: what quarters? We are on an alien planet. Not DS9 or Voyager.

Cisco: we should have thought of this earlier.

Jadzia: I wanna sleep.

Worf: I'll go secure lodgings

Cisco: for all of us please.

Worf: I cannot find a hotel. Jadzia will be mad. Must keep looking.

Harry: cause all I wanna do is have some fun and I got the feeling im not the only one… please sir help me I'm in Starfleet too. My commanding officer is making me sing for money.

B'lanna: Harry get with the vocals I want a nice hotel tonight

Tuvok: and I want my cookies

Worf: Tuvok

Tuvok: Worf

Worf: I have been giving the task of finding accomadation for both crews.

B'lanna: with what good will?

Worf: no the credit card I stole from Dr. Bashir. He is too stupid to notice.

B'lanna: there is a five star hotel up the road

Worf: excellent all the crews are at the café on the beach.

Tuvok: come we will meet them there.

Harry: can I stop singing?

Tuvok: yes.

Harry: hip hip hurrah I'm free again hip hip…

Tuvok: I can change my mind. Now Worf can I have a word with you…

Tom: I love her I can't live with out her

Chakotay: same here I love the captain

Odo: I love major Kira.

( In case you haven't guessed yet alcohol is flowing like a river and now even Odo is drunk)

Tom: look it's B'lanna B'LANNA I LOVE YOU PLEASE COME BACK I LOVE YOU!

Chakotay: lets sing them a song

Odo: quick to the karaoke machine

(they shuffle towards the stage)

Janeway: Tuvok catsch up have some tequila.

Jadzia: hey I know you1 B'lanna isn't it we had a class together at the academy.

B'lanna: before I dropped out.

Jadzia: who cares we are sisters! Drink with us. Vodka shots for all!

Harry: captain Tuvok and B'lanna were mean to me they made me sing an-

Janeway: I don't give a damn sit down and drink or go and talk to whiny tom.

Harry: (sniffling) you don't have to be mean to me

Janeway: screw you.

Chakotay, Odo and Tom:  we love you all and we going to sing a medley for the women we love:

T: I'd give up forever to touch you cause I know that you feel me so much, you're the closest to heaven that I've ever seen and I don't want to go home right now

All: We love you yes we do cause we spend all our money on you dodododododo we love you

O: And they called it puppy looooovvvvvve

C: Cause its always you and me always and forever you and me always

O: And I will alwaaays loooove you

T: And if you're gone, maybe it's time to come home.  There's an awful lot of breathing yea but I can hardly move if you're gone maybe you need to come home, come home, there's a little bit of something in me and every thing in you

Kira: Odo is singing

Janeway: who is Chakotay singing to? I keell her

B'lanna: aah look tom is making a fool of himself and he's changed his hair maybe I could have him back

Chakotay: Katherine I love you!

Odo: Kira I have always loved you

Tom: please come back to me B'lanna I'll do what ever you want and I'll buy you lots of jewellery.

B'lanna: tom you are so sweet I love you too and I know here the hotel is lets go!

Kira: Odo you love me? I love you too… you are my best friend come have aftershocks with me, man

Janeway: you, hic, love me? I'm gonna throw up

Odo: she doesn't love me

Chakotay: at least she didn't throw up. I'd better go check on her.

Odo: at least one of us got lucky. Coming major.

Doctor: where are the rest of the crew?

Seven: I do not know and you have asked that question of me 24 times already to the same answer.

Neelix: look a rat I could cook it for dinner with some nice roast sand and-

Seven: -I'd prefer to cook him for dinner-

Neelix: what? What did you say Doctor she said something about me

Doctor: kill me now puh-leese

Seven: I vote we split up

Doctor: wait there's that man we left tom with.

Worf: are you from Voyager?

Doctor: yes

Worf: the rest of your crew has left. Our ship can take two more people. We have chosen the Doctor and the Drone.

Seven: I have a name it's Seven

Worf: that is a number not a name

Seven: it can be a name too. Ask captain Janeway.

Worf: I am correct there is no argument. Come with me leave that man behind.

Doctor: well Neelix pleasure serving with you good-bye.

Seven: ditto

Neelix: you can't just leave me

Worf: they can and will. Goodbye. (shoots him with phazer Neelix turns to dust) - Yes a bottle of blood wine from Tuvok Jadzia will be pleased-

Neelix:

Tuvok: Worf were you successful in your mission?

Worf: yes I have secured lodgings but we must all share rooms and have gotten rid of the rat-man Neelix. Where is my wine?

Tuvok: excellent. Here you go.

Worf: Jadzia I did what you told me

Tuvok: listen I have an announcement. Voyager crew I have gotten rid of Neelix. The hell is finally over. Now we can have a party till Q comes back. To drinking far too much.

Worf: hear hear.

Cisco: lets go play baseball on the beach!

Jadzia: yeah!

Harry: I drank an entire beer by myself!

Seven: I have consumed tequila and feel happier and less stressed

Doctor: Neelix is finally gone HALLAHLUJAH!!!

Kira: How do you play baseball?

Odo: ditto

Ob: whiskey whiskey whiskey come on chant with me Julian

Bashir: whiskey whiskey whiskey.

Cisco: to the beach bring the drinks with us!

(all run out of the café leaving Harry behind)

Waitress: sir the bill comes to 16 bars of gold plated latinum.

Harry: I don't have any cash can I use this credit card?

Waitress: yea sure so Dr. Bashir do ya want a receipt?

Harry: that won't be necessary but could you check the credit limit on that card?

Waitress: sure thing Doc.(walks over to credit machine)

Harry: at last I'm rich. Women will love me!

Tuvok: so the point is to hit that little ball with this big stick and run around a square shaped field?

Cisco: yes basically ok get into two teams. The captains are the captains.

Janeway: rights sssooooo I choossse chkotayss

Cisco: worf

Janeway: erm sseven

Cisco: Jadzia

Janeway: O'Brien

Cisco: the hologram

Janeway: Tuvokie hee hee.

Cisco: Kira

Janeway: Odo

Cisco: so we are divided up lets start

Worf: our team will be the victors

Seven: (at this stage very tipsy) we will win resistance is futile.

Next Morning.

(In room 116 Cisco, Bashir, the Doctor and O'Brien are all asleep on the big double bed)

Cisco: ugh

Ob: my head

Bashir: why oh why

Doctor: good morning all I'm a hologram so I don't get hangovers. Why don't I get you all some coffee and breakfast-

Bashir: don't even mention food

(Room 117 Harry is asleep on the bed surrounded by Swedish blondes)

Harry: good morning ladies

Blondes: good morning doctor

Harry: -whistling- heaven I'm in heaven

(room 118 Janeway, Odo, Kira, and Chakotay in the room. Odo and Chakotay are on the floor)

Kira: now that was a good nights sleep how about you boys?

Chakotay: my back hurts and I slept on a shoe and I'm cold

Janeway: poor baby what's with Odo?

Kira: he sleeps in a gelatinous state.

Janeway: is he like jelly?

Kira: yeah kind of

Janeway: can I eat him?

Kira: no that's mean however it's a lot of fun to move him while he is asleep or pour him into a wineglass and pretend you're about to drink him. He got mad last time though.

Chakotay: we could pour him the coffee machine that would get everyone

Janeway: good thinking commander now you go put him in the coffee machine but first get us a cup each.

Chakotay: right away captain (runs out to do her bidding)

Kira: you have him so well trained. Pity he didn't get dressed first.

Janeway: I'm not complaining.

Tom: morning Chakotay (sees that he is naked. ignores it Chakotay never remembers to put his pants on) what are you up to?

Chakotay: just getting some coffee bye now

Tom: (pours coffee) umm this is good better get some for B'lanna

Doctor: good morning how are you?

Tom: B'lanna still loves me try the coffee it's good

Doctor: I'll bring some to every one.

Two hours later.

Kira: bet Odo is really pissed at us

Janeway: wonder why no one has gotten scared yet

Chakotay: it will be so funny

(enter dining room. Every one is there eating breakfast and drinking coffee)

B'lanna: this coffee just doesn't taste the same as the last batch.

Jadzia: try fewer beans

Worf: or more- no less Jadzia is always right

Kira: new batch of coffee?

Janeway: where's Odo?

Jadzia: haven't seen him you all missed the good coffee.

Kira: (falls to knees) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Worf: what's with her?

Janeway: um we kinda put Odo in the coffee machine this morning and yea you all drank him

B'lanna: WE DRANK SOMEONE?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Chakotay: yea pretty much

B'lanna: oh well not like I know, sorry, knew him and how could we drink a solid person?

Janeway: goes gooey when he sleeps

B'lanna: cool he tasted so good

Kira: I never told him that I loved him

Cisco: there there we can get a new Odo if we're nice to the dominion

Kira: waaaagggghhhhhhhh

(Cisco leaves with Kira, Bashir follows)

Jadzia: I drank Odo

Worf; his death was honourable for he tasted good

Chakotay: I finally made a real friend and you all drank him

Janeway: it's ok and stop crying- wuss-.

Seven: I know how to act in these situations the Doctor taught me. This is what you do. Commander, condolences for your loss he/she will not be forgotten but remain forever in our memories.

Chakotay: that's beautiful

Seven: I try

(Harry cruises in with his blondes)

Harry: good morning

Blondes: good morning everybody

Tom: how did he get them!?

(Bashir comes back in looking bewildered)

Bashir: has any one seen my credit card?

(Harry looks nervous and stands up to leave)

Blondes: Dr. Bashir let's go buy more clothes

Bashir: I'm Dr. Bashir he's Harry

Harry: Bashir a word

Bashir: Harry you stole my credit card to get women

Harry: I know and they are so hot I'll pay you back when Voyager comes to DS9 next.

Bashir: well ok

Harry: hee hee- we won't get home for decades-. Come on blondes lets cruise

Blondes: yes Dr. Bashir

Jadzia: that was nice of you Julian

Bashir: I'm a nice guy

B'lanna: nice guys come last we won't get home for decades if we do at all. Idiot

Bashir: I knew that I knew that HARRY come back NOW!

(Bashir runs after Harry screaming obcenitites)

Tom: so what did you all do after we left last night?

Worf: we played baseball. My team won

Seven: no my team won

Worf: our team won by a homerun

Seven: no you had two taken off of you because Kira kept hitting Tuvok when no one was looking therefore my team won

Worf: no my team won

(Jadzia and B'lanna sitting close by are watching this)

B'lanna: excellent there will be a fight

Jadzia: I love fights who do you think will win

B'lanna: Seven she hits hard and fights dirty

Jadzia: Worf will win and I can guarantee it

(Seven and Worf are now fighting)

Jadzia: I'll dump you if you lose honey

Worf: I must be victorious

Seven: you will be assima- hurt badly

(O'Brien comes running in)

Ob: I know how to get home I know how to get home!

All: what

Ob: all we have to do is call Q and he can bring us all home

Jadzia: you haven't started yet have you?

Ob: no I want every one to be there

B'lanna: grab him!

(Scuffle ensues and pretty soon O'Brien is tied to a pillar in the dining room)

Ob: why have you all done this I just wanted to go home

Jadzia: we are having a gopod time we're not going home until the two weeks are up

Worf: yes if you try O'Brien I will have to kill you.

And there we leave our happy crews. This holiday turned out really well. Harry drank a beer by himself and scored with many hot women. Tom: was dumped but managed to get B'lanna back. Neelix is dead. Janeway got drunk (finally) Chakotay found and drank a new friend. Cisco did nothing. Seven and the Doctor had many high jinxes. Worf and Jadzia did the same as usual start fights and drink. O'Brien got tied to a pole. Bashir has spent more money then he will ever earn on his credit card. Kira discovered that she loved Odo after everyone drank him but at least he tasted good.

The end