Warnings: Shounen ai (2+1), Angst, God, Language.
Author Notes: This is part of a very short series of Duo's moments with Heero and God. Regardless of the reviews and/or flames I receive, I will post the next part tomorrow if possible, and if not, the first chance that I get. ... but feel free to give me reviews anyway. I kinda like 'em.
Biased
By: Burn
***
I've been forgotten, discarded, and betrayed, but I've managed to take it all with good humor and a fake smile. Now, I've arisen from the depths of Hell in search of my revenge.
I've been broken.
I've been battered.
Now I've been renewed.
Don't lie to me and tell me I'm crazy, because, truth be told, I've just gotten a bigger glimpse of reality than you, and I'm not afraid to take advantage of it.
Born of cynicism.
Innocence jaded.
Mask adopted.
Call me Death with a smile.
-- Excerpt from the diary of Duo Maxwell, Colony L-2
03.04.AC 199
I hate you, God.
I know I've said it before, and I know I've taken it back a million times, but I mean it this time. I really, really hate you.
How can you make me do this again? Every time I find myself in him, you make me leave. It isn't fair, it's not! How can you do this to me? Haven't I suffered enough?
I don't even know why I bother talking to you like this. It won't do anything; I know you're not real. And if you are, you must be the sadistic, unforgiving kind. I'm tired of this, God. I refuse to stand for it anymore. I'm staying, and there's nothing you can do about it. I love this place, and I'm never leaving it again. I love the way his hair falls over his face, and I love the way he looks like a normal kid when he's asleep like this.
I rest my face in the dip between his shoulder blades, smiling.
A normal kid. I wonder if I'll ever be that.
A warm body shifting beside mine reminds me that I won't. I feel like frowning, but I know the shifting next to me means that he'll be awake soon, and I don't want to be frowning when he wakes up; I want to be smiling. But you know what, God? I don't really care that much about being normal or frowning or smiling, not as long as I can wake up to this beautiful boy every morning, and never have to leave.
There I go again. That's another reason why I hate you, God. Why did you have to do this to me? Why?
Why did you have to make me care so fucking much?
The blanket ends up falling away from his body and he sits up. Everything I'd been thinking quickly flees my mind.
Jesus Christ, he's beautiful.
"Good morning," I whisper, sliding my hand into his warm one. He turns around, looking at me with an expression that would fit a statue better than his face, but if I look hard enough into his blue eyes I can find a trace of something there. Happiness. He's glad I haven't left yet.
I squeeze his hand very lightly, and the edge of his lip twitches; that's pretty much as close as he ever comes to smiling. So I smile for him. His eyes flicker with a restrained kind of affection.
You know, God, if it makes him this happy, I won't ever leave.
He nods to me, pulling his hand from mine as he stands. My breath catches in my throat as he walks towards the bathroom. God, is it really fair to make someone so damn beautiful?
"Heero," I say quietly. He turns and looks at me again with that statue-expression and glowing eyes. His muscles tense a little, and he gains a small melancholy look about him. My heart clenches at the sight; I want to wrap him in a blanket of love and soft, soothing words, holding and protecting him in my arms until the whole world falls away.
"I know," he replies in his nasal, monotonous voice. I love his voice. "You have to go."
... But I don't love that. "Wh-what?" My voice croaks a little in my throat. I really wasn't expecting him to say that.
"You always have to go," he murmurs just before disappearing behind the bathroom door. It's all I can do not to dissolve into a little ball of dust and cry and cry and cry until I finally die.
I hate you, God. I hate you!
***
