Warnings: Shounen ai (2+1), Angst, God, Language.
Author Notes: Sorry for getting this out late. Tests, essays, and preparations for finals got in the way. Anyhow, this is part of a very short series of Duo's moments with Heero and God. Regardless of the reviews and/or flames I receive, I will post the next (and final) part tomorrow if possible, and if not, the first chance that I get. ... but feel free to give me reviews anyway. I kinda like 'em.
Biased
By: Burn
***
Look at me.
See anything out of color, out of context? See anything unusual with this perfectly heart-shaped face? Of course not.
What could possibly lie behind such clear violet eyes and such a charming, carefree smile? Nothing, surely.
That's what they all thought; what they still think. It's also what will be the end of them some day. It's impossible to imagine that this face hides enough venom in these pale eyes to knock them like a blow to the stomach. And if they should ever chance to see such an expression, it passes quickly and of they, of course, realize that it was only their imagination. What dangers, what horrors could possibly lie behind such calm beauty, anyway?
Everything, I say. Everything.
-- Excerpt from the diary of Duo Maxwell, Colony L-2
03.21.AC 199
From the back of his blue eyes, I knew he'd be gone as soon as he could. And I hoped he would. Because if he did, I wouldn't have to be the one to leave, and I wouldn't have to lose a little piece of myself every time I walked past the oak door frame of his room.
God, I saw him last night. I was on a special Preventers mission; they were short on men and volunteers, and Lady Une had called to ask for my assistance. I thought I could get my mind off him by going.
God, I was so wrong. He was there, looking beautifully dangerous with his gun and that black murder in his eyes. I tried to ignore him -- God, I swear I tried so hard to ignore him. But I couldn't. The silent grace and muscle of his body was my only view. I couldn't look anywhere but in his eyes.
He never once looked my way.
God, I can't tell you how much it hurt when he didn't look at me. I hate you. I hate you so fucking much, God. I can't believe you would take that away from me. I can't believe it. How much torture will you put me through before I finally die?
I hope you're having fun, God. I really fucking do. Because I'm sure as hell not.
He almost died that night, God, and I swear he almost took me with him.
A stray bullet ricocheted against the wall and hit him from where he was hiding. The odds were so against that ever happening that I didn't think it possible in a hundred years. But there he was, God, kneeling on the floor with his face contorted in pain, his shirt and hands dripping sticky crimson, and I ... I lost it, God, I lost all sense of everything. I came out of my covering and took out the enemy nearest to me. I think they're going to have to identify him by his teeth once they find the bodies.
God, my hands are so wet and sticky with blood right now it's not funny. The image of Heero hurting and bleeding is burned on the inside of my eyelids. I see it every time I close my eyes, and I can see it through the tears that I'm crying even now.
He had the stars in his eyes that night. They were so beautiful, God. I'd pray to you a thousand nights just to see him again. His hair was slick and matted with his own blood, but his eyes... Oh, God, his eyes. I would give up anything just to see them again.
I suppose that's why I'm here, God; why I'm sitting in a Church pew, praying to something I've promised myself hundreds of times I'd never believe in. And maybe I don't believe in you, God, but sometimes I want to. I want something to look forward to and hope for once I've lost everything else in the world.
And I have, God. I've lost everything. Heero's in the hospital, in ICU. They don't know if he's going to make it or not.
I'm going to the hospital as soon as I finish up here. I'm going to visit him and pray to you a million times to bring him back to me, just long enough for me to look into his blue eyes and see the stars in them again. God, I don't know why ... you can't ... just ... let us be!
Do you know how tired I am of this, God? My knees are starting to hurt from sitting here so long, and I'm starting to lose the feeling in my legs, but I couldn't care less if they just fell off completely. All I care about is him, God. I've changed my mind about everything.
Hurt me as much as you need to; put me through as much pain as you can, just so long as you don't touch him. I'd take on anything for him, God. I'd do anything for those gorgeous blue eyes.
You know, I'm not exactly the brightest crayon in the box, but I've got enough brain cells rolling around upstairs to know when someone's pissed with me. God, I know you're mad at me for all the times I've promised my heart to you and pulled it away the moment some pinprick came up in my life. But I'm sorry, God. I think I've finally realized what you've been trying to tell me all along, what Sister Helen wanted me to get out of those old Bible readings. I know I don't usually come to you for help, God, and I've never believed that you had the answers before, God, but I think love does.
And that was when I remembered something Sister Helen used to quote all the time.
"God is love. Love is God."
By rejecting you, I've been rejecting Heero. God, I'm so, so sorry. I love him so much my whole body hurts and aches with longing. I think I've finally come to realize that the feeling of completion and wholeness when I'm curled against his side is your presence.
I still don't know if I believe in you, God, or if I believe in love, but I want to believe in it. I want to believe in him, my Heero.
Please forgive me, God, and give me the strength to make everything right.
I want to believe.
***
