Warnings: Shounen ai (2+1), Angst, God, Strong Language.
Author Notes: This is the final part of Biased. I hope you've enjoyed it; I know I have! I'm considering doing a sequel, but I'm not sure. What do you think? Let me know in a review or an IM! ^_^
Biased
By: Burn
***
I think I'm already gone.
I never even saw it coming. It slammed into me with all the subtlety of an elephant on steroids after sneaking up on me with all the stealth of a fox. I never expected it to happen, but it did, and I never even knew it until now. I believe. I love. I live.
And it's beautiful.
I only hope that I can save it from myself before I fuck everything up beyond repair. 'Cause now it's not just my happiness on the line, but his, as well. Heero. I wonder what I would do without him?
Most likely kill myself, I suppose. I love him more than life and everything else good in the world. God, I love him more than space. I'll die before I lay an ill-intentioned hand on that beautiful boy. I'll never live a day without him.
Never.
-- Excerpt from the personal diary of Duo Maxwell, L-2
03.22.AC 199
I've never seen anyone look so small and pale and helpless before in my life. I never thought I'd ever say this about him, but, God? He looks so ... vulnerable right now.
That's certainly a first. Heero Yuy, vulnerable.
But it's true, God. He looks so white, even against the bleached sheets and walls of this tiny hospital room. He's covered in tubes and bloodstained bandages, and the only thing telling me he's alive is the faint beeping of the heart monitor, but even that is quiet and weak. God, I'm so scared for him. He's vulnerable, and there's nothing I can do. Nothing.
I eventually settle for standing by the bedside, clutching his hand gently within my own, careful to avoid the IV tube. His eyelashes flutter, but do not open. I'm a little disappointed, but I continue to hold his hand anyway, stroking his knuckles lightly with my thumb. He seems content enough -- relaxed, even. But vulnerable.
I choke on a sigh and close my eyes. What the fuck am I doing here, anyway? God knows he doesn't care. He ignored me on the mission, and there was no softness mixed with murder in those blue eyes...
God, I know I've told you this a thousand times before, but I'd do anything for those star-filled eyes of his. They're the most astonishing things I've ever seen. They're so incredibly blue, blue, blue that it makes my head hurt, looking at them too long.
God, I love his eyes.
His eyelashes flutter again, and the corner of his lips twitch downwards in a frown. I realize I've been squeezing the life out of his hand while thinking, so I immediately let go. His frown grows a little.
Fuck.
I sneak a glance at the clock, noting that I have about three minutes left in my visiting time with him. God, what am I supposed to do?
His hand moves down along the bleached sheets in his small bed a little, and he makes a tiny sound of discomfort.
Oh.
I take the hint and slip my hand back into his, and for once his is cold and mine is warm. His downward movements stop abruptly, and the frown on his lips fades away. I sigh, dragging the nearest chair clumsily over to his bedside, hunching my back as I lean over his bedridden form.
"Hello," I whisper.
He cracks open one of those incredibly beautiful eyes at me, and a smile touches over his face for a brief moment.
"Duo," he rasps. I nod. He smiles again and closes his eyes, all his features becoming more slack and relaxed. He says nothing more, and the sound of the heart monitor pounds inside my brain. It's getting weaker.
"Heero," I say, jostling his shoulder. "You gotta stay awake, man."
No response.
"Heero!"
Silence.
"God dammit, Heero, this isn't funny."
Nothing. It takes a moment for me to notice the red stain creeping steadily across the bandage around his middle.
Oh, fuck. That's definitely not a good thing!
I release his hand and stand quickly, moving to the door. I clutch the wall with one hand, trying to ignore my headache as I scream into the hallway.
"Nurse! Nurse!"
There's no immediate response, so I move full into the hall, yelling louder.
"You lazy bastards! I think you can haul your asses down here a little faster than that! MOVE IT!"
The beeping of the heart monitor is murder in my ears. It's getting weaker, weaker, weaker...
"NURSE!" I'm frantic now. Panicked. I clutch the little gold cross around my neck between fisted hand, the cool metal offering little comfort against the frenzy rising in my chest. "NURSE!"
There's the sound of pounding footsteps in the tiled hallway before a nurse enters the room, brushing past me to Heero's side.
"What happened," she asks, checking him over quickly while looking at his charts. A doctor hustles in soon after her.
"The wound reopened, stupid!" I can't help it if I'm an ass right now. Heero's hurt, and I can't help him. Fuck. Oh, God ... God, please help. Please. This isn't like any other time I've ever asked for your help before. Please, please, please, God! This is important! You can't let Heero die!
"There's no need to be rude to me, sir," she informs me crisply. I scowl and flick off her backside.
"Fuck off, bitch. Heero's hurt. Fix him."
That was a mistake. I can hardly even blink before she shoves me further out into the hall and closes the door in my face.
"Shit."
I slump against the door and frown, holding the cross tightly in my hands.
God, please...
"Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee," I whisper, closing my eyes as I bring my knees up against my chest. "Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen."
I close my eyes and take a deep, shuddering breath. Then I start again.
"Hail Mary, full of grace..."
I stop for a moment, frowning as something inside the room catches my attention. It's a long, loud, steady beep, and it hurts my head and my heart to hear it. Fuck.
I start to cry, slumping more heavily and dependently against the door. I can't even bring myself to look inside the room, 'cause I know what I'll see. I've seen it a million times before.
Death.
God, what the hell did I ever do to you?
I sob a little louder, choking on shaking breaths. My chest is heaving, and my heart hurts so, so badly I think I might die.
"Hail M-Mary, full of grace," I whimper brokenly. "... the Lord is with thee. Blessed a-art thou amongst women, and blessed is the f-fruit of thy womb, Je-Je-Je..." I stutter, hiccuping on words. "Oh, Jesus," I moan, burying my head against the wall. "I hate you. I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you!"
A light tap on my shoulder nearly sends me jumping out of my skin, and I turn swollen eyes up irritably at the nurse.
"Sir," she says quietly, "he's all right, now. We've got his heart beat stabilized, and stopped the bleeding." She offers a slight smile of reassurance, despite my rude behavior earlier. I suppose she's a little more understanding than I first thought.
"But I heard the heart monitor..."
Another kind smile. "Got it started again."
I look down, a little embarrassed. "Oh." Then I look up at her with hopeful eyes, wiping away tears. "Can... can I see him? Heero?"
She frowns. "I don't think you should see him right away, sir. It would be better if you waited a minute or two--"
I cut her off right there. "No. It's all right." I stand, leaning against the wall wearily. My mind's made up.
As long as I'm around Heero, I'll never get myself figured out. I can't hurt him like this anymore, loving him then leaving. I leave -- permanently -- until I'm not so confused anymore. Then, maybe I'll come back.
I peek inside the door to Heero's room, slightly ajar, and wave sadly at the shaken form on the bed. "Goodbye, Heero," I whisper. I grip the door frame for a moment, remembering all the other times I've done this, and more importantly, the pain. I don't wanna do it again.
But I know I have to.
"I'll miss you," I say.
I let go of the door frame and start walking away. Strangely, it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Then again, I know, somewhere in my heart, that I can't stay away forever. I'll be back for him eventually, answers or not. I love him too much.
Or maybe I'm just biased.
***
