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POLICE CRACKDOWN ON ALLEGED

TOILET PIMPS; JANET RENO REPORTS

MIDGET CANNIBALISM IN CHINA

by Senior Junior Judicial Correspondent Wiergraf

Chicago, NY - Today, the militant arm of the Salvation Army began a 2 day, 96-hour long crackdown on as many as 123.73 alleged toilet pimps in the downtown California area today in an effort many say was, quote, "gay."

Chief of police Ivanna Eatsomefeet spearfooted this war on toilet pimpdom as a result of President George W. Bush's new Let's Treat Toilets Right Cuz They're Pretty Act, recently passed through Congress with the approval of the NAACP, Atlanta Braves, and the LKTMBTEOCAONECAV (Let's Kill the Midgets Before They Eat Our Children Association of Northeast China and Virginia). The sting operation involved 1 billion New York police officers as well as 10,000 Burmecian soldiers scouring the downtown Detroit area for some of the nation's most infamous toilet pimps.

Perhaps the most notorious "t-pimp" in the rural Montana area was the unofficial target for the raid, code-named "Operation Charles Barkeley". Sir T-Money the Annihilator, age 9 of Louisana, China, is the head of the infamous Midget Killa Mafia based in Tupelo Mississippi, home of world-renowed author Wiergraf. T-Money is best-known for his audacious, cold-hearted treatment of his "titches", slang for toilet b****es. Having known to have brutally t-slapped his "toes", slang for toilet hoes, T-Money is wanted by the FBI for such crimes as assault, indecent exposure, armed robbery, murder, draft-evasion, and defecating on public property. But, after many countless hours of searching, T-Money is still at large at my house---er....where ever he may be.

Toilet pimping is a 3.4 trillion dollar industry worldwide, with cartels located in London, Paris, Rome, Hong Kong, Tokyo, Mars, Toronto and in my closet. Over an estimated 1 million young, skanky toilets are recruited by t-pimps such as Sir T-Money and sold to low-lifes off of the street. Many of these toilets are subjected to STDs such as AIDS, syphilis, bubonic plague, gangrene, leprosy and much more as they sell their delicate bodies to men, women, even the elderly.

While Operation Charles Barkeley managed to arrest no one, they did manage to kill 34 women and children, as well as 14 senior citizens and 97 cat-jugglers. But Chief Eatsomefeet has high hopes for Operation Charles Barkeley II: Lord of Destruction. "We hope to, in the future, kill more cat-jugglers as well as toilet pimps because that just ain't coo, yo. I like pretty ponies an d such." Does this reporter think that OCBII:LoD will be a success? Quoth the Wiergraf , "Demi Moore."