Title: I Like It Here/I Can't Go Back
Timeline: During "The Weight of the World" and "Looking Through the Mirror"
Author's Note: Well here I am again bringing you B/A thought, ancillary, and other fluff. This week was harder to think up than last week, but the ideas came nevertheless and here they are on paper... (so to speak)
Another Note: both of these are really mind psycho thingigdoos so they're a little wierd bear with me
BUFFY (in her first moments of catatonia)
Go someplace safe, somewhere that's warm and protected... Riley... not strong enough. Parker... G-d no. Mommy... where's Dawny, Buffy? Angel... yes, please open up Angel...
"Buffy." It's the prom I'm with Angel. I'm in his arms. It's safe and it's warm and I don't have to think about... "Buffy, what are you doing here?" Angel asks me.
I look up... and I see the tree branches above our head. "What do you mean?"
The soft earth is under me and the cold marble is against my back. "You're not supposed to be here," Angel says, sitting outside my window.
"I like it here." I tell him, as I snuggle closer and feel the warmth of the fire and the stones that glows in the mansion.
"You shouldn't be here," he says looking up from one of the books at the old school library.
"Why not? I want to be with you." Oh G-d, it's the sewer.
"You have places to be." Why are we back at the prom? "You have to save Dawn."
"Don't say that! Dawn is gone."
"It's not over yet." I see Angel with his game face on. There is blood... Is it mine?
"It is. It's over."
"It's never over." Why is he yelling at me from across the ambulances? "You have to leave. You have to go..."
"You're saying you don't want me here?" We're in his apartment in LA.
"I'm not saying I don't want you, Buffy. Do you know how much..."
We're back at the graveyard. "When have you said that to me before?"
"Never mind that now. You need to go save Dawn."
"No, I won't leave." It's so dark here because Angel's always dark. Look, sun and a table with my dolls on it. This will be fun and safe and warm and they want me here. No one is going to come looking for me and tell me that I have to go back...
"Hi Willow........"
(hey, conveluded I know, Specific Episodes Cited: Graduation Day Pt. 2, various season three stuff, and I Will Remember You)
ANGEL
I can't go back, not even for her. Because they'll know and because I know... and she'll find out and I can see the look on her face. It's a look of horror, because she's seen what's inside of me. How could she love me?
I can't live with it. I can't live with the knowledge. I can't see it's face and know what it is and realize this demon that's inside of me. She told me she didn't notice my demon features anymore... She didn't see the real thing.
I can't continue knowing that I couldn't control it. Not even for her.
"I know everything that you did because you did it to me..." I know and I thought that was the worst. Living with the knowledge that I had hurt, had fed from you, it was to be my eternal punishment. But now I know its face and I know its strength and I know my weakness. And I can't go back.
But that will mean never seeing you... that would mean never holding you... and you would cry for me and it would be my fault... I made you cry... again.
But I can't go back. But I have to go back, because I said I would help, I said that I say people suffering and I didn't think that they should and I leave those ideals behind then I'll have nothing to stand for and I'll fall like last time. Although I think this comes pretty close to falling.
Yeah that's good I think I can feel rational thought returning.
But they looked right at it and they saw what's inside of me... How can I face them? Get up, Angel... Don't think about that... You can beat it. You made it go back inside of you. Get up... You need to get back to your world. You have "promises to keep" and "miles to go before you sleep."
Timeline: During "The Weight of the World" and "Looking Through the Mirror"
Author's Note: Well here I am again bringing you B/A thought, ancillary, and other fluff. This week was harder to think up than last week, but the ideas came nevertheless and here they are on paper... (so to speak)
Another Note: both of these are really mind psycho thingigdoos so they're a little wierd bear with me
BUFFY (in her first moments of catatonia)
Go someplace safe, somewhere that's warm and protected... Riley... not strong enough. Parker... G-d no. Mommy... where's Dawny, Buffy? Angel... yes, please open up Angel...
"Buffy." It's the prom I'm with Angel. I'm in his arms. It's safe and it's warm and I don't have to think about... "Buffy, what are you doing here?" Angel asks me.
I look up... and I see the tree branches above our head. "What do you mean?"
The soft earth is under me and the cold marble is against my back. "You're not supposed to be here," Angel says, sitting outside my window.
"I like it here." I tell him, as I snuggle closer and feel the warmth of the fire and the stones that glows in the mansion.
"You shouldn't be here," he says looking up from one of the books at the old school library.
"Why not? I want to be with you." Oh G-d, it's the sewer.
"You have places to be." Why are we back at the prom? "You have to save Dawn."
"Don't say that! Dawn is gone."
"It's not over yet." I see Angel with his game face on. There is blood... Is it mine?
"It is. It's over."
"It's never over." Why is he yelling at me from across the ambulances? "You have to leave. You have to go..."
"You're saying you don't want me here?" We're in his apartment in LA.
"I'm not saying I don't want you, Buffy. Do you know how much..."
We're back at the graveyard. "When have you said that to me before?"
"Never mind that now. You need to go save Dawn."
"No, I won't leave." It's so dark here because Angel's always dark. Look, sun and a table with my dolls on it. This will be fun and safe and warm and they want me here. No one is going to come looking for me and tell me that I have to go back...
"Hi Willow........"
(hey, conveluded I know, Specific Episodes Cited: Graduation Day Pt. 2, various season three stuff, and I Will Remember You)
ANGEL
I can't go back, not even for her. Because they'll know and because I know... and she'll find out and I can see the look on her face. It's a look of horror, because she's seen what's inside of me. How could she love me?
I can't live with it. I can't live with the knowledge. I can't see it's face and know what it is and realize this demon that's inside of me. She told me she didn't notice my demon features anymore... She didn't see the real thing.
I can't continue knowing that I couldn't control it. Not even for her.
"I know everything that you did because you did it to me..." I know and I thought that was the worst. Living with the knowledge that I had hurt, had fed from you, it was to be my eternal punishment. But now I know its face and I know its strength and I know my weakness. And I can't go back.
But that will mean never seeing you... that would mean never holding you... and you would cry for me and it would be my fault... I made you cry... again.
But I can't go back. But I have to go back, because I said I would help, I said that I say people suffering and I didn't think that they should and I leave those ideals behind then I'll have nothing to stand for and I'll fall like last time. Although I think this comes pretty close to falling.
Yeah that's good I think I can feel rational thought returning.
But they looked right at it and they saw what's inside of me... How can I face them? Get up, Angel... Don't think about that... You can beat it. You made it go back inside of you. Get up... You need to get back to your world. You have "promises to keep" and "miles to go before you sleep."
