I hate him
I hate him

I hate him

there's this

burning ball of hate

inside of me

hate for him

for what he did

to innocent people

how could he?

kill them

like a ruthless murderer

he was always reckless

to some point

but never cruel or callous

I guess I didn't know him well enough

I guess he kept it hidden well

I could guess all my life

but I don't want to

I want the truth

I want real answers

not guesses

or made-up explanations

People say I still love him

but I don't

I could never love someone

so callous

so unkind

so brutal

so malicious

I never speak of him

anymore

I exit all conversations

I've entered having to do

with him

People say

I'm still hurting

They say

I'll die of a broken heart

but not me

oh, no

not me

I'll never die of a broken heart

Never

Others

who have loved

really loved

can die of a broken heart

but I will not

for I have not loved

not really

not truly

I've always said

love doesn't exist

and I guess it doesn't

not for me

or

maybe

there's someone

out there

someone who

I haven't yet met

someone

who's supposed to be

my true love

but I know

deep down inside

who it is

who my true love is

though I may try to hide it

I know

who my true love is

it's him

though I hate to admit it

it's him

the man I've tried to forget

the man I've come to hate

within my mind

not my heart

my mind covers my heart's weakness

not well enough, I guess

under my façade

I really love him

despite all the evil he's done

I hate myself for it

how can I love someone who betrayed his friends?

I shouldn't love him

it's not right

for me to love him

it's not right

for me to love

someone who hurt my friends

and eventually

in his own way

killed them

People say love breaks your heart

and that's true

in my case

my love

breaks my heart

because

it tears me apart

knowing

I love

somebody

who

pretended to be

something he wasn't

I'm still in love with him

and there's nothing I can do about it

nothing can change the way I feel for him

and I hate that

I hate not being able to protect myself

from this weakness

from my vulnerability

I used to never believe

in love

used to say it didn't exist

I was one of those hard core non-believers

how could anything be so wonderful

if not everyone was lucky enough to experience it?

I didn't understand love

I didn't want to

and now I only hate

unforgivably

hate everything that reminds me of him

I guess that would include myself

I shouldn't hate

but I can't risk my exterior

my built up wall

being torn down

because of love

so I hate

sometimes I wish things

could be the way

they used to be

the way they were

when we were younger

I wish we could have stayed

frozen in the past

forever

but

forever's always seemed too long

I guess I'm just scared

scared of the future

confused of the past

stuck in the present

I don't know where I'm going

I don't know what's going to happen

and that frightens me

that truly frightens me

wishes, dreams, and hopes

don't always come true

if there's one thing I've learned from life

I've learned that

but that never should never stop

a dream from emerging

a true heart dream

not a practical one

made up by your mind

but a real dream

a dream from the heart

a wish from the heart

I still wish

upon

that same old star

wish that I could say

there's someone else

who makes my heart

beat double time

like he did

but there isn't

and there probably will never be

because as much as I hate to admit it

I still love him

and always will

but it's true

I never will love again

not after him

because as much as I hate to admit

I do love him

Love

a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection toward one person

towards your person

towards your true love

if you ever find them

Love

has made me turn into something I hate

a weakling

someone who lets something in life

push them around

a feeling

push them around

a feeling

revolve around decisions

love takes you hostage inside yourself

it makes you so defenseless

all of your exterior

all of your barrier

you've put up for years

is removed

and you can be hurt

you can be betrayed

because of love

because of opening yourself up

to another person

love hurts

so much sometimes that

I wish I could forget

forget the memories

forget him

and be

the person I was

before he loved me

before I was induced to all this hurt

all this pain

and all this love

but my exterior is back

and my guard is up

and I hate him

in my mind

not my heart

because

in my heart

I hate not hating him