I hate him
I hate him
there's this
burning ball of hate
inside of me
hate for him
for what he did
to innocent people
how could he?
kill them
like a ruthless murderer
he was always reckless
to some point
but never cruel or
callous
I guess I didn't know him
well enough
I guess he kept it hidden
well
I could guess all my life
but I don't want to
I want the truth
I want real answers
not guesses
or made-up explanations
People say I still love
him
but I don't
I could never love
someone
so callous
so unkind
so brutal
so malicious
I never speak of him
anymore
I exit all conversations
I've entered having to do
with him
People say
I'm still hurting
They say
I'll die of a broken
heart
but not me
oh, no
not me
I'll never die of a
broken heart
Never
Others
who have loved
really loved
can die of a broken heart
but I will not
for I have not loved
not really
not truly
I've always said
love doesn't exist
and I guess it doesn't
not for me
or
maybe
there's someone
out there
someone who
I haven't yet met
someone
who's supposed to be
my true love
but I know
deep down inside
who it is
who my true love is
though I may try to hide
it
I know
who my true love is
it's him
though I hate to admit it
it's him
the man I've tried to
forget
the man I've come to hate
within my mind
not my heart
my mind covers my heart's
weakness
not well enough, I guess
under my façade
I really love him
despite all the evil he's
done
I hate myself for it
how can I love someone
who betrayed his friends?
I shouldn't love him
it's not right
for me to love him
it's not right
for me to love
someone who hurt my
friends
and eventually
in his own way
killed them
People say love breaks
your heart
and that's true
in my case
my love
breaks my heart
because
it tears me apart
knowing
I love
somebody
who
pretended to be
something he wasn't
I'm still in love with
him
and there's nothing I can
do about it
nothing can change the
way I feel for him
and I hate that
I hate not being able to
protect myself
from this weakness
from my vulnerability
I used to never believe
in love
used to say it didn't
exist
I was one of those hard core non-believers
how could anything be so
wonderful
if not everyone was lucky
enough to experience it?
I didn't understand love
I didn't want to
and now I only hate
unforgivably
hate everything that
reminds me of him
I guess that would
include myself
I shouldn't hate
but I can't risk my
exterior
my built up wall
being torn down
because of love
so I hate
sometimes I wish things
could be the way
they used to be
the way they were
when we were younger
I wish we could have
stayed
frozen in the past
forever
but
forever's always seemed
too long
I guess I'm just scared
scared of the future
confused of the past
stuck in the present
I don't know where I'm
going
I don't know what's going
to happen
and that frightens me
that truly frightens me
wishes, dreams, and hopes
don't always come true
if there's one thing I've
learned from life
I've learned that
but that never should
never stop
a dream from emerging
a true heart dream
not a practical one
made up by your mind
but a real dream
a dream from the heart
a wish from the heart
I still wish
upon
that same old star
wish that I could say
there's someone else
who makes my heart
beat double time
like he did
but there isn't
and there probably will
never be
because as much as I hate
to admit it
I still love him
and always will
but it's true
I never will love again
not after him
because as much as I hate
to admit
I do love him
Love
a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection toward one
person
towards your person
towards your true love
if you ever find them
Love
has made me turn into
something I hate
a weakling
someone who lets
something in life
push them around
a feeling
push them around
a feeling
revolve around decisions
love takes you hostage
inside yourself
it makes you so
defenseless
all of your exterior
all of your barrier
you've put up for years
is removed
and you can be hurt
you can be betrayed
because of love
because of opening
yourself up
to another person
love hurts
so much sometimes that
I wish I could forget
forget the memories
forget him
and be
the person I was
before he loved me
before I was induced to
all this hurt
all this pain
and all this love
but my exterior is back
and my guard is up
and I hate him
in my mind
not my heart
because
in my heart
I hate not hating him