It was a day like any other and I was positively amped to delve right into another sick gaming sesh with everybody's favourite thrilla of a gorilla. I kicked open the front door and darted for my gaming room, jamming my hand into the cart box and pulling out my treasured copy of Donkey Kong Country. I slammed the cart into the SNES and hit that power button harder than my mother on report card day.

The classic title sequence started up, boasting DK's resilience to conform to Cranky's demeaning boomer ideologies. This ape was so rad; I could only dream of being just as cool as him.

Hitting "Start", I blasted right on into the next big adventure of the Kongs versus the Korrupt Krocodilian Kremlings.

When I saw the first barrel a-shakin', my heart was a-quakin' and ready to give those filthy lizards an achin'!

"How dare you capture my little buddy!" I shouted at the telly, directing big ol' DK to snatch up that barrel to release poor lil Didz.

But something strange happened just then, and I'm not talking about the bizarre flavour of the day-old Dew that I just swigged as I waited for Diddy's rescue cutscene to end. No, this was something far worse, and to say I was shocked was a devious understatement.

When DK threw the barrel on the ground, Diddy broke out just as he normally would, but this Diddy was not in the best of shape. The poor lad looked like he was mangled in fact. He didn't move, he just let out a horrifyingly ear-grating drone that pierced my soul through the screen. I was jolted to assume a more respectful posture at this sight. Seeing Diddy in such a corrupted graphical state made my stomach churn harder than that time the pizza pockets expired.

Jumpin' Banana Bugs! I cried internally. The heck is going on with my Little Bud?

I thought it was a glitch; I've seen this happen before when my brother played Link to the Past and he got the boomerang stuck in a corner and could no longer progress. However, I never thought DKC would suffer the same problems as it was vastly superior to those garbage Zelda titles. I didn't know what to do, but decided maybe I ought to just kick the cart itself, so I did just that.

To my undeniable pleasure, the screen fizzled and sizzled before blanking and zipping right on back to a restored version of my previous encounter. Diddy was now back on his feet, scratching his head and ready for monkey business. I was so smart.

And so, I went on, dashing through the Jungle Hijinxs on Rambi the Rhino as I howled along to the melodious beats brought to you straight from the genius mind of David Wise. I could feel the wind in my hair like I had just purchased a Harley, but I was in the comfort of the proper gamer chair in the centre of my gamer pad.

I entered the next level: Ropey Rampage. I HATED this level! It was those stupid armadillos at the beginning that always gave me such trouble. I wished I could just shove a hand-grenade into the telly and teach those armoured rapscallions a thing or two about ruining my prime gamer time.

Just then... my wish was... granted?

As DK and Diddy approached the first armadillo, the duo shot me a shifty grin, wiggling their brows to and fro like when Crash Bandicoot wanted to jump on that pig. What happened next shocked the ever-living brunch out of me.

DK took out a gun. No, not the CG: Coconut Gun we all know and love. No, DK pulled out a real gun, one that looked just like the one Tommy Vercetti uses. DK took aim at the armadillo and Diddy cheered his Big Buddy on with rampant chimp squeals.

BLAM!

In one shot DK blasted the armadillo to a bloody pile of spleens and other organs. The gruesome depiction made me sit up even straighter. I had to double-take... No... triple-take at that. "D-did... Did Donkey Kong just... kill him?"

DK beat his chest triumphantly, using the same animation you would normally see if you let him idle for too long. Diddy hopped with glee, clapping his hands together: an animation I actually WASN'T familiar with.

I was so confused as to why DK and Diddy had turned to such violent tactics against the Kremlings and their goons. This was a kid's game, right? I stood up and paced the floor for a few minutes, probably five at best. Meanwhile DK and Diddy just stood there marveling at their brutal accomplishment.

I recalled that I didn't even press any buttons to call upon their heinous actions. It was as if the Kongs had a mind of their own.

"Impossible..." I grunted as I flopped back down in my throne, my belly folding over my knees, providing a built-in blanket to instigate joy. I gripped my SNES controller with shaking fists and returned to gaming. "I must be imagining things... Nintendo is a good and pure company and would never implement such horror."

I played through the rest of Ropey Rampage; nothing out of the ordinary popped up though. I was truly beginning to believe that, yeah, I must have hallucinated the armadillo interaction. I was sleep-deprived and school was kicking my tail, plus I had been surviving off of Dew and sour-cream cheddar ruffled crisps for the past month.

My gnarled, greasy hair drooped down over my eyes as I entered Level 3: Reptile Rumble. I loved this level because there were so many fun secrets to find. The only downside was it was kind of dark. I used a torch that I often carried in my backpack to brighten up my screen.

And thanks to the light, that's when I first noticed it...

DK and Diddy had red eyes. They blinked between two different shades, but you could tell it was unnatural. This was definitely not something I was used to and that horrible tightening deep in my stomach started acting up again; I was spooked beyond my wits. As a gamer, I knew everything about my pride and joy DKC, so when I noticed something awry, it really drove me into madness. Either my game was broken... or my mind was about to be...

I reached out a hand and caressed the side of my 30cm CRT. "Tell me what is going on with you, fellas..." I cooed.
DK and Diddy did nothing other than sway back and forth, the standard animation, muddled by only the uncanny glint of their strobing pupils.

"ANSWER ME!" I wailed, smashing the top of my telly with a pulsating fist. My mother heard the banging noise and suspected I was having another one of my patented "Gamer Rages". She hated that oh-so much and kicked open my door and rushed up to me with the belt. I got forty lashes and was sent straight to bed.

I wept like a manly baby all night long. What was wrong with DK? What was wrong with Diddy? What was wrong with my precious cart?

I knew that I had to get to the bottom of this... I would not sleep until I had the answers, no matter how awful they could end up being. I knew my mother would disapprove, but without these answers, I would not be able to sleep and sleep was important, especially since I had a big math test the next day.

I rolled out of bed, put on my helmet fitted with a headlamp, and scurried down the hall to my gamer pad. I quietly sealed myself inside and fired up the old Nintendo, DKC primed and ready to swing back into.

As soon as I got to the opening cutscene, I knew something was off. DK jumped down and instead of knocking away Cranky and his boomer tech... He pulled out Cranky's dentures and put them into his own monkey maw. Cranky's eyes bulged in horror, as did mine...

DK opened his mouth, his jaw unhinged like the Deadhand from OOT (another mid game). Then he snapped shut on Cranky's head. Cranky fell to the ground, bleeding like a toad. DK then turned to the camera, grinning with bloody teeth that did not belong to him.

I was about to vomit, but held it in because this was not the time. I had to get to the bottom of these bizarre occurrences in my favourite video game. It pained my heart more than anything to hit "Start" and return to this seemingly paranormal anomaly.

Level 4 was Coral Capers, the first swimming level in the game. I hated this level, but the music was pretty fire and also Enguarde the Swordfish was fun to control. However, this did not happen. I did not play Coral Capers. Instead, Level 4 was replaced with something called "The Morgue". I didn't know what that word was or even how to pronounce it (my English teacher Mrs. Kelsey was a total loser). But one thing was for sure: this was not the DKC I was familiar with. Something was off for certain now and I had to get to the bottom if I ever wanted to sleep again.

"Show me your secrets, game..." I said in a cool voice rivaling the likes of both Tom Cruise and Bruce Willis.

Entering The Morgue, I was greeted with a dark, muddled jungle scene that kind of reminded me of the palette used for the fight with Kudgel in DKC2. DK and Diddy were both there for me to control and they still had those creepy blinking red eyes from earlier. I shook off the nerves and prepared to game on. I ran to the right along a flat plane, hopping over the occasional pit and grabbing a few disorganised bananas along the way. I had no interest in collectibles at the moment, but seeing bananas gave me at least some hope that the Kongs were getting the potassium they needed to get rid of their crimson ocular infection.

After about ten minutes of pure tedium, I was starting to get annoyed down to my very core. You know, gamer stuff. Also I was worried that my mum was gonna find out I was up late gaming, but this was my civic duty. I kept pressing onward until finally...

DK and Diddy got to the exit. They stepped inside and the level ended. I was back on the map and the Kongs did their little happy dance. However, the victory jingle was a bit scuffed and sounded like something from a bootleg copy of Sonic on the Gameboy. That kind of music was loud, truly an eardrum-destroying menace and nothing else. I quickly muted the telly before my mother could hear it and slap me into the stratosphere.

I waddled over to the next level. Level 5 was supposed to be Barrel Cannon Canyon, but surprise-surprise, it wasn't. This time I was met with the title "U29jdand33HJI19988lp0" which I couldn't understand for the life of me; however, it definitely looked like some sort of glitched-out text resulting from some garbage data or something. Maybe when I kicked the cart, I scrambled some of the data; I should've been more careful...

Upon entering the level, I realised something was off. DK and Diddy's fur had changed from brown to a patchy grey. Also DK's tie and Diddy's shirt and cap were black. The same eerie red pupils remained and seemed to be blinking even faster this time. I swallowed hard and continued my journey into the unknown. This level was just like The Morgue, a straight line with easily-avoidable hazards. However, there was no exit sign at the end.

Instead, there it was...

A tombstone.

I gasped in horror and some of my saliva seeped out of the right side of my pursed lips. There was a face on the tombstone and it looked like... Dixie Kong?

Impossible! I thought to myself and no one else since I was alone. Dixie Kong is not in DKC1 because she was not invented yet. In fact, she would not appear anywhere until DKC2 at least a year later. I scratched my chin, some stray whiskers embedding into my fingertips because I forgot to shave the day prior. What if this is an Easter Egg though? Maybe the devs added this as a sneak peek for true gamers like me to discover? It's kind of like the secret Banjo-Tooie references in Banjo-Kazooie; in other words, a hint at the goodness yet to come? I was so smart.

DK did his failure animation and shook his head sadly. Diddy lurched over to the tombstone and knelt down. He began bawling, tears of blood leaking onto the stone like a ghoulish red paintjob.

After the period of mourning had completed, Diddy turned to the camera and started moving his lips. I quickly reached for the remote, but fell and dislocated my shoulder. Luckily, I was used to this injury and popped it back into place like a Bionicle socket and returned to my investigation. The instant I unmuted the game, I was filled with nothing but sheer regret.

Diddy spoke directly to me, calling me by name! "She died because of your inability to stop them... Why? Why? Why?"

Diddy kept saying "Why" and it was starting to get more annoying than spooky. I was just about to click the mute button again, but Diddy pulled out his Peanut Popgun and aimed it at the screen.

POW!

My screen cracked. I thought it was just a special effect of the game at first, but then I saw steam coming out from the top of the telly itself. I shouted out in pure anger and thrashed around the room, knocking down all my Lego Star Wars models and tearing all of my brother's Pearl Jam posters off the wall. I had never felt such anger since the time I accidentally erased my Pokemon Red save file earlier that month.

Just then, I heard something that sounded like... rotor blades? What could be that noise? My answer came in the form of the back wall exploding and sending me flying towards the opposite wall. My eyes readjusted just in time to espy the figure of a barrel-like aircraft hovering before the open cavity in the storming rain. A burly simian creature sat in the vehicle's cockpit, his eyes blinking a deadly red just like the Kongs'.

I suddenly realised just who this was. It was Funky Kong and the Gyrocopter! Funky flashed a wide grin and his massive pearly whites shimmered in the dim lighting from my headlamp.

"What do you want from me?" I stammered.

Funky cocked his eyebrow slyly. He then reached for his gun, a bloody bona fide uzi.

And that was it... The next thing I knew, I woke up in a hospital bed, thin as a rail. Apparently I had been in a coma for over a decade. My mother and brother were still alive, but had no idea about the incident. It seemed as though the wall had never burst and there was never a threat of a killer Kong in the real world. But I know what I saw... I know what I experienced. This was no mere game... DKC was real... and I was its main character.

Dang, why do I gotta be cursed with such sick gamer skills?