When All Else Fails

Author's Notes:

Well, I was sitting at my computer trying to get up the resolve to start doing actual work, when this situation struck me... It's weird, very weird. It's not beta read either, so be warned.


"Kelly! Kelly, we've got a serious problem!" he screamed as he ran down the long hallway of the cluttered offices, sweat streaming down his face.

Kelly looked up from her computer the second he appeared, huffing at her door. "What is it, John?" she asked with a worried frown as she brushed her silky blond hair to the side with a flit of her hand.

"Well, I hate to blame this on the fact that I'm new at this and all, but I've done something... terrible..." John said, frantically, his breath catching in his throat as he looked down at the thick manuscript.

"Let me take a look, John. You couldn't have possibly made such a large error that it can't be fixed..." Kelly grabbed the manuscript from her worried, brown-haired partner and read it over, her eyes darting left to right as she read it, mumbling the words under her breath. "Oh, my..." she said as she realized the full extent of the damage that'd been done.

"You see?" he said, practically hopping up and down on his feet. "What should I do?! I've already sent it to the producers, it's being filmed as we speak!"

Kelly looked at John with wide eyes. This was not good at all. Not good at all! "Maybe..." she began, "maybe the fans won't notice..."

John gave her a frown. Like Hell they wouldn't...


Schanke shot awake. What an odd nightmare... "Myra, honey, you wouldn't believe the dream I just..." his voice trailed off as he looked to his left and saw that she was not in the bed with him. He grumbled quietly, too riddled with sleep to really worry about it.

He got up and padded down the stairs, his black silk pajamas hanging loosely off his thin, muscular form. God, he was hungry. Really hungry.

He flung open the refrigerator door and immediately covered his eyes, the bright light bringing tears. He absently rubbed the wet, red tears from his eyes with his hands as he backed away from the refrigerator to recover. Wait... red tears?

Schanke looked at his hands. There was blood all over his hands. His eyes were bleeding! He ran frantically over to the paper towels resting by the sink and wiped his eyes off, washing his hands as well. This was odd... His eyes didn't hurt at all, except for when he'd been shocked by that bright light. Touching a finger experimentally back to his eye, he tested to see if he was still bleeding. But his hands came back clean. Gosh, that had been bizarre!

He walked back to the fridge, squinting with caution as he opened it again. Thankfully, he was not greeted with the same pain as before, but he was greeted with shock. All that was in his fridge were half a dozen bottles of red wine.

What? He glanced around frantically, and realized that he wasn't even at home. He was at Nick's loft. How had he gotten here? He didn't remember bunking with Nick last night... Holy... get a load of... He stared down at the black silk pajamas that adorned him. They were strangely... smooth! He'd always been a flannel and boxers guy himself, but this was rather nice...

Hearing a metallic cranking noise echoing through the loft, he looked over in time to see the lift door being slid aside. Nat stepped out of the loft casually carrying a bag of groceries. Schanke snorted. Just friends his ass... Nat was just dropping by at Nick's randomly with groceries. If that wasn't a romantic overture, he didn't know what was.

She looked over at him and smiled almost instantly. "Nick! I didn't think that you'd be up yet!" she ran to him and gave him a platonic peck on the cheek. Woah... Schanke stepped back and looked at her confused. Had she called him Nick?

In response to his odd gaze, Nat just looked down at herself and then looked back at him. "What, do I have strawberry seeds in my teeth or something?" she asked incredulously. Schanke just stared at her with confusion.

"Jeez, Nick. You really should get more sleep if getting up this early makes you this... weird... Anyway," she said as she went and set the grocery bag down on the counter, "try this protein shake out. I added a special ingredient. You might like it..."

Schanke looked down at himself. He was in Nick's black pajamas. He had been sleeping in Nick's bed. Reaching a hand to his forehead, he found that he actually had a normal hairline... Hell, he was even thin (from what he could see of himself). What?

He looked at the protein shake now sitting on the counter next to the grocery bag. Gosh, he was really hungry... Remembering the strange contents of the fridge, he decided to play along, either until Nat told him that this was all some crazy joke, or until he decided that it was him still having some wacky nightmare...

Grasping the drink, he brought it to his lips and was immediately repulsed. It smelled terrible, and the first drop that hit his tongue made him want to puke. He gagged and spit the awful stuff into the sink with a look of disgust. "Jeez, Nat. What is in this!?" he cried, trying desperately to wash the taste out of his mouth with a steady stream of water from the faucet. If this is what Nick regularly ate, he really pitied the guy...

Nat looked down at the floor, dejected. "I'm sorry, Nick. I thought you'd like this one..." she said sadly, and it broke Schanke's heart. He hadn't meant to hurt her feelings.

"Aw, jeez, Nat. I'm sorry. Maybe I just overreacted. Let me try it again..." Schanke smiled at her, and Nat smiled hesitantly back. Squeezing his eyes shut, he raised the glass to his lips and chugged the whole thing down. Hey, at least it wouldn't kill him...

Or maybe it would. He felt like there was a brick sitting in his stomach, and Nat's happy smile did nothing to cure the feeling. Schanke looked up at her, feeling weak in the knees from the awful concoction. His vision turned a strange amber color... "Um, Nat... You'll have to excuse me..." he said, terrified. What was going on!?

He fled back up to the bedroom and into the bathroom. The brick in his stomach was slowly becoming quite active... He leaned over the toilet and vomited until the very last of his meal was no longer in his stomach. Hell, he felt absolutely awful.

Schanke groaned as he sat up on his haunches, wiping his mouth with the right sleeve of his pajama top. Finally becoming confident enough to stand up, he was shocked out of his mind as he saw the figure in the mirror staring back at him. Nick. My god, he was Nick. An awful monster Nick, with fangs and yellow eyes, but Nick all the same... Without further ado, Schanke fainted dead to the ground, barely hearing Nat come racing to his side as the blackness enveloped him.


"Kelly! Look at section 402 of the Writer's Guide!" John said excitedly as he pointed to the small section of text.

Kelly read the words carefully, her eyes growing wider as she realized just how they could fix this awful mistake...


Schanke shot awake. What an odd nightmare... "Myra, honey, you wouldn't believe the dream I just..." Wait... why was he on the couch?

"Donny, honey, are you all right? You gave me such a scare..." Schanke looked up into the loving eyes of his wife as she slowly stepped into the room.

"Huh?" he asked, genuinely confused.

Myra looked concerned. "You don't remember anything? You really must've been delirious..." she trailed off.

"What happened?" he asked. This was just too weird...

"Oh it was nothing. You got up and practically freaked out when I opened the blinds... It took me about ten minutes to coax you out from behind the bed... And the when I brought you down for breakfast and gave you your favorite, sausage and eggs, you fainted..."

"Well I... Wait, I did?"

Myra nodded. "Well, I suppose we're all prone to bouts of insanity... I'm just glad yours only lasted for twenty minutes!"

Schanke just nodded and smiled. He'd learned a long time ago that when you don't understand what a woman is saying, it's always appropriate to nod and smile... Just nod and smile...


Nick shot awake. What an odd nightmare... "Nick! You're ok!" Nat's frantic voice called out. It was then that he realized he was lying on the cold floor of his bathroom...

"Huh?" he asked, genuinely confused.

"Oh, Nick! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you drink that protein shake... I didn't know it would make you that sick..."

"What?"

"The protein shake that I just had you drink! Ohmygod, you have amnesia too?"

"Shhh, Nat, it's all right. I'm ok now..." he said, trying not to let his voice betray his confusion.

She looked up at him with tear-filled eyes. "Are you sure?" she asked, her voice hopeful.

Nick just nodded and smiled. He'd learned a long time ago that when you don't understand what a woman is saying, it's always appropriate to nod and smile... Just nod and smile...


Section 402 - Writer's Guide Should the writers of a popular show be dumb enough to write an episode that makes no sense within the context of the show, it may always be passed as temporary insanity or a nightmare. This makes it seem logical to the fans in most circumstances, and is the least confusing way out of the said mishap.

THE END (Told you it was weird!)