((1st of Morning Star/January, 4E 203))

The following day, I was granted blissful relief for a few blessed seconds after I awoke. Taking a look at my unfamiliar surroundings as I rubbed my eyes, the day's events weighed my mind down. It hit with such force that I'd have collapsed onto the floor if I'd been standing. As it was, my head hit the pillow as I gasped like a fish out of water. I mentally reached for my wolf spirit for energy, bewildered when I couldn't feel it. I scratched at my itchy cheek in frustration, the skin hard from the salty tears I'd shed overnight.

A few minutes passed as I lay in the dusty old bed, contemplating whether to stand and face the Guild or return to sleep. I had two choices and disliked both. Brynjolf... At the consideration, I exhaled shortly through my nose, though my nose was plugged with snot. I wiped my nostrils and huffed irritably, swinging my legs over the bed.

The rough woolen blanket beneath me reminded me that I was naked, my armor destroyed by my reckless transformation. Luckily for me, the cottage was still full of smuggler's goods, including a complete set of leather armor. I'd ask for a replacement when I returned to the Guild, but at least for now, I didn't have to be nude.

I faced the door, unwilling to take the steps necessary to return to the Ragged Flagon. Self-pity is no excuse for lazing about, crying over some skeever-hearted bastard. Let it go and take your revenge on Frey.

Ignoring the screaming in my limbs caused by the intensive 'exercise,' I forced myself to begin walking toward the wardrobe. I shook slightly as I placed my weight on my legs, ending up stumbling to the nearby wall. I had to lean for at least a minute or two before my body gathered itself and reacted to my commands.

I slowly dressed in the armor, disliking the feel of the rough leather on my skin. While the standard Guild armor was also made of leather, it was better fitting and much softer.

I left the cottage with cautious movements, nearly tripping over my own feet twice. I tried to convince myself that it was nothing but my outing as a werewolf that dragged me down. Sadly, the more I thought, the more I realized I couldn't lie to myself. It was too difficult to force Brynjolf from my traitorous mind, and so I gave in to my desire to fill myself with thoughts of him. However, with every memory I brought forth, I noted that Brynjolf's actions were staining each one.

Our playful laughter, vanishing in the morning sun. Our joint jobs, kisses, promises- each burned within the fire of my despair. Every smile, every touch, every lesson became tinged with misery. I suppose there is a fine line between love and hate.

As I walked into Riften, I considered what would happen. I could always shun Brynjolf and have Karliah relay messages, but that might be a weak approach. If I could tear him down... There was no point in ignoring him. I'd have to face that worthless bastard sooner or later, so I steeled myself for the inevitable confrontation.

The pavement shone like silver from the sprinkling rain that had fallen during the night, and fog along with it gave the city an eerie feeling. Guessing that the entrance through the graveyard was still locked, I sighed in irritation and headed for the lower level of Riften. I hate the Ratway.

...

Within the Flagon, while my fellow Guildmembers largely disregarded me, Niruin did give me an apologetic look. Brynjolf was nowhere to be found, and I sighed in relief as I plopped down at a table. I didn't get a chance to relax as an irritable yet familiar voice reached my ears.

"Russet? We need to talk."

"Bug off, Sapphire," I growled, putting my head down on the table. "I'm not in the mood to argue with you today." I peered up at her, surprised to see her sitting quietly with no malice in her eyes.

"...I heard what you did for the Guild."

"So? I'm fairly sure everyone did by now." We were quiet for a while, and I took the chance to ask a question. "Sapphire's not your real name, is it?"

The Nordic woman scowled at my invasion. "What's it to you? I don't know you. Why would you care anyway?"

I shrugged and straightened up, my eyes half-closed from exhaustion. "Just curious." I stretched my body up, groaning as my back cracked. "Something had to happen to make you this angry, and dropping Shadr's debt couldn't have done it."

Sapphire snorted and crossed her arms. "You think mocking me and knocking me around maybe did the trick?"

"I hate to remind you, but you started that." I kept my voice steady, motioning to Vekel to bring both Sapphire and me a drink. Idly, I scratched at my neck, wincing as I hit the cut.

Sapphire picked at a splinter on the table, face so red it looked like she might burst. "What, you want to know about me?" she snarled viciously, sounding angrier than I'd ever heard her. "All right, I'll tell you! I'll tell you about when I was a young girl, barely out of her teens. I lived on a pig farm in the middle of nowhere! Didn't have a coin to spend between our entire family." Her voice lowered to a grumble. "We ate the same slop we fed our livestock." Her eyes glazed over briefly. "And it gets better. Bandits attacked our farm, and they killed my entire family even though we didn't raise a single weapon against them." She laughed humorlessly, burying herself in the drink Vekel brought over. "And here's the best part. They took me as a prize and violated me for a fortnight. Tossed me from bandit to bandit like..." Sapphire trailed off. Unsure exactly how to comfort her, I patted her on the back weakly.

"I'm sorry for asking. You don't have to say anything else," I forced out.

Sapphire breathed deeply, still keeping her eyes away from mine. "It's fine. I had to tell someone, I suppose. Carrying around a weight like that... hurts after a while. Cuts you inside like a dagger to the heart." I couldn't help asking another question.

"How did you escape?"

She didn't seem to mind continuing this time. A satisfied smile spread across her lips, and she flipped a knife up into the air. "Over time, I managed to gain their confidence. Then, one night, I grabbed a knife, waited until they fell asleep, and cut their throats." She thrust the dagger into the wooden table, barely missing my fingers.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" I yanked my hand away. "Watch where you stab that thing!" The dagger wiggled back and forth, still embedded in the table.

Sapphire ignored my comment. "I never returned to that pig farm, you know. There's nothing for me there."

"What were your parents like?"

For a moment, Sapphire's eyes softened as she reflected on her childhood. "They were the one part of my life that wasn't complete misery. Even though we were poor, they loved me, and I loved them. Valla and Jorrunn, those were their names." I laughed aloud, earning a slight glare from the other Nord woman. "What's so funny?"

"Valla was my mother's name, too. Isn't that the funniest thing?" I gave a half-smile. "But she's long dead. My aunt was the one who raised me. She was always so angry my father left. For whatever reason, she took it out on me, saying that she wouldn't have had to deal with me if he'd stuck around." I gazed into the distance, focused on nothing. "I never knew him, and my aunt never bothered to tell me his name. She said that my father was a useless drunk and that I'd end up just like him. I ran away at the age of ten and never looked back." That wasn't the whole story, but I also didn't want to revisit those memories. I didn't mind talking about my wicked aunt, but there were darker pieces of my past I preferred to keep buried.

"You know, I didn't believe him at first." I stared at Sapphire, wondering what she'd meant by that. "Mercer, that is. I didn't believe you were dead." Her voice lowered. "Neither did Brynjolf. He insisted you had to be alive and wanted to search for you, but when Mercer gave him your sword, it convinced us all." Sapphire looked me in the eye, slight resentment gleaming within. "I was jealous of you."

"Since when?" I chuckled, taking a swig of mead. "I'm no hero, nothing worth idolizing."

"That's not what I'm talking about." Her cheeks reddened again. "You had Brynjolf in the palm of your hand. Even after you supposedly died, he refused to so much as look at me." The pain in her voice was palpable. "He loved you."

I was quiet for a moment, not sure what my reply should be. "Yeah. Loved. Past tense." I averted my eyes. "You can have him."

Sapphire chuckled under her breath and finished her drink. "He wouldn't want me. No one else does. Besides, I've never seen him act like he did around you."

Scowling, I squeezed the mug in my hands until my fingers were white. "Doesn't matter anymore, does it?"

"I dunno. Maybe, maybe not. Either way..." Sapphire gestured behind me, and as soon as she did, a familiar scent brushed across my nose. "I think he wants to talk to you."

"And he can take his 'talk' and shove it straight up his ass." Without responding, Sapphire slid out of her seat and disappeared into the back room. "Gee, thanks."

"Lass?"

"Don't 'lass' me. I have a name. Use it." I downed the rest of my mead and threw the metal mug to the floor. "Whatever you have to say, it's not as important as finding Mercer and taking him down, so unless you-"

"I know you want to forgive me." Incredulous, I stared up into his sharp green eyes.

"Are you that oblivious?" I laughed aloud, almost amused at the delusion. "I don't want to forgive you. In fact, I don't want anything else to do with you." I shoved past him, heading for the cistern where I'd find Karliah. He muttered something under his breath and jogged after me.

"What are you talking about? It was a mistake, lass. Just one mistake. Can't you-"

"No."

"But-"

"No."

"Lass-"

"Don't you know how to take no for an answer?!" I whirled around on my heel and faced him with a furious scowl. "You blew it; now accept the consequences of your actions, jackass!"

Brynjolf tried to reach out for me, the look in his eyes reflecting the dismay he undoubtedly felt. "Lass, we- now-"

I shoved my face into his, voice barely more than a growl. "We? There is no we, Brynjolf. We. Are. Nothing." I reveled in the pain in his eyes before turning back around and striding for the cistern. "And there is no now."