Pretty Postcards From Hell 3

~3~

What an odd day, Angel found himself thinking as evening came on. Xander had been called in on a job, and the way he and Buffy kissed goodbye before he left the house, the vampire half expected the smoke alarms to go off. The young man had given him another of those superior grins when he came up for air. Giles had stayed around for a good portion of the morning, drinking tea and berating Wesley for no apparent reason. Willow was off at school, and Buffy and Cordelia laid out by the pool, although Cordy told him later, she felt like she was alone. The Slayer kept her head buried in a magazine, answering any attempts at conversation with monosyllabic grunts. She only came alive when she came inside and saw Angel, and even then, more so when Cordy was within sight.

If he didn't know better, and maybe he didn't, Angel would have sworn Buffy was trying to make Cordy jealous. Not only had she pawed and fawned over Xander until he left, but then she'd done an only slightly toned down version of the same thing with him every time the other woman was around. The few times it was just she and Angel, she simply acted polite and friendly, and he got the impression she really was pretty much over him. Last night, there'd been a few "might-have-been" kinds of looks, but this morning seemed to be purely about manipulation. She made nasty comments about Cordelia sucking down the bottled water, since she was drinking the tap version herself, but Queen C was the master of the equally nasty comeback, and Buffy soon abandoned that tack.

By dinnertime, the whole house resembled an armed camp under a barely maintained treaty. Even Wesley was harsh and snappish, and it seemed to Angel that only he and Cordelia were behaving in a civilized manner. Wes and Giles were exchanging brutally formal barbs over tea, with Willow getting her digs in in support of her love. Wes had even busted Cordy's chops a time or two, which the girl appeared to brush off, but was obviously pretty hurt by. Xander seemed to be playing the same game as Buffy, but in the other direction – he was overtly attentive to Cordelia, while at the same time making sure the souled vampire knew exactly who had Buffy's heart.

It was odd, really – the two lovers seemed to be using their mental connection to time their attacks on the pair from LA. Neither appeared to be the least bit jealous of the other's wandering attentions. In fact, they seemed to be egging each other on. The more miserable their guests looked, the happier it seemed to make them.

They had just finished dinner when the doorbell rang, and Willow went to the intercom. "Oh, hi, Andrea," she said when the visitor identified herself. "I'll be right there."

"Hey, guys," Willow announced to the tense group when she returned with the visitor. "Angel, Wes, Cordelia – this is Andrea Fairhope. She's the doctor who helped try to kill me." Cordy clearly saw the pained expression on the doctor's face, and stared at the redheaded witch. It wasn't like Willow to be so deliberately tactless, with what was clearly a sore subject.

"Hi," Cordy offered with a bright, although forced, smile, "I'm Cordelia. Went to high school with this bunch."

She winced slightly when Xander threw an arm familiarly around her. "The best part of my educational process. We were pretty active together – extra-cirricularly, if you get my drift." She noticed him watching Angel for reaction, and elbowed her ex-boyfriend sharply. Ignoring Xander beyond that, she slipped out from under his arm, and went over to her co-workers. "This is Angel, and this is Wesley Wyndham-Price. We work together in LA."

"Yes," Wes announced, "I'm in charge."

"Whoa," Willow chirped. "So the mighty Angel no longer heads up Angel Investigations?"

"Yes," Wesley confirmed. "He became obsessed over a certain girl, and lost his focus and direction."

Xander snorted. "Geez, make the same mistake twice, why don't ya?" Several of the others giggled, Wesley included. Angel remained stone-faced.

"Excuse me," Andrea gulped, "I know my way around, and I think I'll go get a glass of water." Subtly she motioned to Cordy, who followed her to the kitchen.

Once inside, she turned to the other woman. "I know we've barely met, but are they always this mean when you people are around? Because there seems to be a certain level of venom in this conversation tonight that I've rarely witnessed anywhere before, and never from those four."

"Well, Xander's never cared much for Angel, but he seems to be baiting him more than usual. And Willow is usually pretty sweet, actually. Even Wes seems mean, and he's not very good at that, as a rule."

"Have you, Rupert and Angel felt any unusual anger today?"

"I was a little bitchy around mid-morning, but Buffy was riding my tail, so that might be the only reason. Giles has been ripping holes in Wes all night, himself."

"Your friend Angel has been extremely quiet – might he be harboring hidden feelings?"

Cordelia smiled. "When Angel's angry, people notice. He broods quietly when he's upset, but vents when he's angry."

"Yes, I guess it would be pretty apparent were he disturbed. He is a vampire, right?" At the younger woman's stunned expression, Andrea couldn't help but smile. "Willow's introduction, besides being hurtful, left out the fact that I'm a retired Watcher. In fact, I believe I recognize your Mr. Wyndham-Price's name as well."

"Yeah, well, he got fired, though." Cordy's eyes widened in concern. "Was that mean?"

The doctor couldn't help but like this girl. "No, just honest." She set her face. "I need you to try and figure out what they've all had in common that you and Angel have avoided today. I smell something rotten here, and I'd love to head it off before it really stinks. I'll get back to you a little later." Leaving Cordy in the kitchen, Andrea marched back to the group in the dining room. "Gotta run – my pager just went off. I'll let myself out," Cordelia heard her tell the others. Bracing herself for further verbal bloodletting, Queen C threw back her shoulders and went to face the lions that used to be her friends.

~**~

They'd finally escaped upstairs. Wes and Giles had traded parting snipes, and the younger ex-Watcher had vanished almost instantly into his room without as much as a word to his co-workers. Cordelia slipped into Angel's room as she had the night before.

"Gee, that was a real blast. Remind me to schedule another trip here before my next root-canal – should make dental work pretty refreshing in comparison."

"There's something not right here, Cor."

"Ya think? What tipped you off? Buffy's claw marks on my back, or Xander's drool stains on my shoulder?"

"It might have been the Wes and Rupert English Insult-A-Rama that finally got the message across. What the hell is their problem?" Angel began to pace the floor, running his fingers through his hair.

"Whatever it is, it's affecting everyone but you and me. Andrea wanted me to try and figure out what they had in common that we didn't share with them."

"Smart lady, if she figured out there was a problem in as short a time as she was here."

"I used to be a Watcher, and we're trained to observe," Andrea's softly accented voice announced as she shimmered into sight.

"Huh? How? Wha…?" Angel struggled to complete so much as a thought, but was too surprised.

The older woman materialized completely. "Magic – it's my specialty. I've been here, but invisible, since I 'left' earlier. Willow gave me the keys to all her magical bans when they first moved in, in case of emergency. I'd say this probably qualifies." She plopped down on the bed by the May Queen. "Ideas?"

"Well, I'd say it was something to do with this place, if Wes weren't affected," Angel postulated.

"That also eliminates the 'Parts of Unity' option," Andrea mused.

"The old Sunnydale High School would be a link, but I'm the exception there," Cordelia tried.

"Everyone affected is human, Cor. Is there something you're not telling us?" She poked the grinning Angel in the ribs.

Smiling as well, Andrea offered, "And I'd say couple-dom was a common denominator, but you two aren't affected." The completely stunned looks on Angel and Cordy's faces when she'd looked up expecting smiles threw the ex-Watcher off. "What?"

"We're…" Cordelia drifted off, still a bit stunned.

"Not a couple – SO not couple-y. Two singles. Totally." Angel was filling uncomfortable silence as fast as his tongue would carry him. "Friends," he went on. "Just…"

Andrea held up her hand. "I get it. Sorry."

"Besides," Cordelia pitched in weakly, "Wes."

"Oh, yeah."

They fell into awkward silence again, the previous mild good humor completely dissipated. Finally, Cordelia stood up. "I can't think of anything right now," she said. "I'm going to bed." Eyeing Andrea carefully, she continued, "Alone. In my own room – across the hall. Goodnight, Angel, Dr. Fairhope." She waved stiffly. "See you in the morning. Tomorrow. Downstairs." She pulled the door closed and they could hear her heels clicking rapidly as she crossed the hall.

"Well, now, that wasn't very awkward, now, was it? I'm terribly sorry. I just assumed…" She sighed. "It is true what they say about assume making an ass out of 'u' and 'me,' isn't it?"

The vampire took pity on her. "It's not your fault. Cordy and I are really close friends, and we sometimes act like an old married couple. Add that to the fact she came right to my room after we came upstairs, I can see how you saw what you thought you did." He ran his hand through his hair again. "I don't do well with relationships, and have found it safest to avoid the whole 'couple' scene."

"So why does Buffy seem to treat you like her personal possession?"

"One of the prime examples of a relationship I didn't do well with. We have a history."

"As do Xander and Cordelia, I'd venture?" When Angel nodded, she went on. "Then they obviously see you two as a couple as well, or they wouldn't be trying so hard to break you up."

The souled vampire dropped heavily into the bedside chair. "Is there a stronger word for 'sucks'? Because this whole thing is going there, fast."

"So I guess I can count on your help solving this problem, right?"

"Ab-so-damn-lutely."

~**~

"If that were any more fun, it'd be illegal." Buffy collapsed against the inside of the bedroom door after they'd sent their guests upstairs nearly whimpering.

"In some states, it may be." Xander pressed her back against the door, kissing her hungrily. Finally coming up for air, he gasped, "Do you really think we can break them up? Angel seems pretty stoic about it all."

Buffy began nipping at his neck, making him writhe, and in one instance, bleed slightly. "He'll be stoic until we find just the right button, and then you watch. Old Faithful will erupt like clockwork." She giggled evilly. "Either that, or they'll fall into each other's arms to comfort one another, and we'll have Angelus to play with. He can take care of Wimpy Wesley and Miss Bitch for us."

Xander swept his life-mate into his arms and threw her on the bed, landing atop her solidly enough to elicit a grunt from the Slayer. "Only if he lets us watch," he growled into her shirt, before ripping the front of it open with his teeth.

"Ohh, I like this. Why didn't we ever play rough before?"

"We thought we did."

"This is more fun. Do you think they're really even dating?" Buffy managed to choke out between gasps.

"Well, we both know that Cordy can act quite the slut, but keeps those old knees pressed pretty tightly together. Maybe Angel just thinks he can break through that wall."

"You should know – she was your slut in high school."

"Yup, and I never got any. I like it better, with you being my slut now." The conversation degenerated into grunts and moans, with the occasional pained squeal, for quite some time after.

~**~

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss…"

"Morgan, sir, Lilah Morgan. And the pleasure is all mine. You have certainly earned the respect of our uppermost management, Mr. Heinrich. With the delivery of the Dark Unity, we will be able to accomplish things we've only dreamed of in the past." Her confident expression faltered only slightly when the unconscious body of Quentin Travers was rolled down the ramp in a wheelchair.

Noticing her brief flinch, Ernst waved his hand. "This is my associate. He's never traveled well, and with his recent illness, we thought it better to bring him across the ocean in this manner. Don't let it worry you. Miss Roberts has him well in hand, don't you, dear?" The nurse nodded, waiting for further direction. "I assume you've made the arrangements I'd asked for?" They began to walk, the nurse with her motionless patient following obediently behind.

"Yes, sir. The three-bedroom suite you asked for is quite nice, and tomorrow we'll have you driven to the home in Sunnydale. We believe you'll find it well suited for you to keep surveillance on the Unity's residence." She hesitated slightly. "There may be a slight problem, however." Ernst's face darkened, and he stopped moving. "Uhm, it seems the constant thorn in our side has managed to step into this neat little arrangement as well. Angel, a regular nemesis of ours, has traveled to Sunnydale with two of his associates, and if reports are correct, is staying with the Unity group."

Heinrich resumed his stride, apparently deep in thought. "Can he be killed?"

"Yes, we're pretty sure he can. We…uhm, we just haven't managed to do it, yet." Lilah was studying the toes of her three hundred dollar pumps.

"No problem. I'm sure Unity will take care of it." The Watcher never looked at her, but his tone was confident.

"I hope to God you're right," the lawyer mumbled under her breath.

~**~