Title: In Between Days
Author: Victoria P. [victoria_p@att.net]
Summary: Hank's turn to think about everything as winter turns to spring.
Series: All of Heaven Away
Rating: G
Disclaimer: All X-Men characters belong to Marvel and Fox; this piece of fan-written fiction intends no infringement on any copyrights.
Archive: List archives, with the others in the series
Feedback: makes my day
Notes: Thanks to Dot, Meg, Jen, and Pete. In Between Days is my favorite Cure song.

In Between Days

I watch her. I always have. I'm in love with her, after all. All of us have been, at one point or another.

She chose Scott, the golden boy -- with his good looks and confidence, who wouldn't have chosen him?

But I continued to love her from afar. A goddess on a pedestal, who deigned to take pity on a beast like me, and called me friend.

Even when I was with Trish -- and the less said about that, the better -- I continued to watch Jean. We work so closely together, how could I not?

When Trish left me, I couldn't bear to stay in New York. There were too many memories, and too many reminders of what I would never have. Never before had the happiness of others so grated upon my nerves, but seeing Jean and Scott together, while I was alone, nursing a broken heart, was too much for me. They tried to include me, cheer me up, but their talk of engagements and weddings only made me sadder.

I took a position at Berkeley. Got as far away from them as I could, and spent a very happy two years doing research. I hid in the basement laboratory, like some freakish Dr. Frankenstein. Going out only after dark, wearing a trench coat and fedora -- I lived out many of my childhood fantasies, pretending I was Humphrey Bogart or Cary Grant, spying on the enemy for the greater good.

When Charles called me to tell me of a new mutant at the school, one who couldn't touch, I was intrigued. I allowed myself to believe that it was curiosity, as well as the desire to help the poor creature who was thus afflicted, that brought me back. But I've never been good at prevarication. I needed to see Jean again, and I knew that we'd be working in close proximity to help the girl -- Rogue.

I was drawn to her from the first, and she to me. I was the only one she could touch, and I was grateful for once for the mistake that had led to my current blue and furry condition.

When Logan returned, I saw how she looked at him, and knew that she was in love with him. It was written in every line of her being.

He, as most of us, had eyes only for Jean. We were in the same boat, he and I, and we became friends. But I knew that I'd never have the chance he would to share her affections. Logan has joked that he should more rightly have to codename Beast, but it is no more than that -- a joke. He has a feral, animal quality, it's true, but it draws women to him, while my beastliness drives them away.

No, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I do not indulge in such weakness anymore. I learned a long time ago that I am not a man who makes women swoon. They are much more likely to turn away in horror from me, or, what may even be worse, laugh at my advances.

So I continued to watch as Jean went to him, after Scott left. It didn't bother me as much as you might think. I knew she didn't love him, and all I craved from her was her love. Her friendship had sufficed, and her affair with Logan wouldn't take that little bit away from me.

When Rogue departed, I gave her a map and a credit card so she could always find her way. And I tried to be a good friend to both Logan and Jean as they realized the enormity of their error.

When Scott came back, we all made the erroneous assumption that he would reconcile with Jean. I had already steeled my heart against the pain of seeing them together as they rebuilt their love. I had no idea -- though I pride myself on being a keen observer, I obviously missed the signs on this one -- that Ororo was in love with Scott. Nor did I ever expect him to return her feelings.

It seems that everything has worked itself out now. Rogue has Logan, who despite his gruff exterior, is gentleness personified with her -- and lives in desperate fear that she will somehow stop loving him. Ororo has Scott, and together they are slowly growing into their love, which blooms as the flowers in her garden.

Jean is still alone, working on ridding herself of the guilt I know she carries like an albatross around her neck. I try to be helpful, always ready with a joke and a smile as we work together every day, but it makes me want to begin wrecking things when I see the dark circles under her eyes, and I know that she spent another night alone, crying into her pillow.

Would that my fairy tale would come true, that the beauty I adore could find love with this Beast. But I know that reality seldom follows the path of children's stories, and I hide my heart, because of all the things I'd love for her to give me, pity isn't one of them.

End

In Between Days - The Cure

Yesterday I got so old
I felt like I could die
Yesterday I got so old
It made me want to cry
Go on go on
Just walk away
Go on go on
Your choice is made
Go on go on
And disappear
Go on go on
Away from here

And I know I was wrong
When I said it was true
That it couldn't be me and be her
Inbetween without you
Without you

Yesterday I got so scared
I shivered like a child
Yesterday away from you
It froze me deep inside
Come back come back
Don't walk away
Come back come back
Come back today
Come back come back
Why can't you see?
Come back come back
Come back to me

And I know I was wrong
When I said it was true
That it couldn't be me and be her
Inbetween without you
Without you