Cye Mouri: Hamlet Trunks: Laertes
Sage Date: Horatio Kento Fan: Ghost
Ranma: Ophelia Rowen Hashiba: Rosencrantz
Vegita: Claudius Dais: Polonius
Vina: Gertrude Kale: Reynaldo
Gourry: Clown 2, Osric Anubis: Clown 1
Goku: Fortinbras Ryo Sananda: Guildenstern
** Players are to include Sekhmet, the Red Priest, Mink, Dick Saucer, Lina Inverse, Mia, Yuli, Damaramu, Gohan and other anime characters. **
The characters playing parts of Hamlet belong to the appropriate Japanese animations and their creators, and in no way were they actually harmed during the production of Hamlet. Ok, maybe once or twice we had to smack Kento and Goku for trying to eat the entire snack table, and the director was forced to use a fire hose on Vegita, and there were a few fights among rival groups, but other wise it all was generally safe.
Prologue
On the set. Actors are around, some talking, some eating
from the snack table, others grumbling about their parts.
The director enters.
Michelle: Ok, guys, let's get started. She is ignored. A little louder: Guys! Whistles. Let's
move!
Everyone: Groaning, Do we have to?
Michelle: Yes! Come on, opening act. Vegita is talking to Cye.
Sage: Smirking. And to think I almost had to mess up my hair for this.
Kento: Grumbling. Figures she'd make me a ghost... What'd you do to her to get her to
change her mind?
Sage: Not telling.
Michelle: Turns towards the group, eyes narrowed. NOW!
A room of state in the castle. Vegita, playing as Claudius, is
sitting on the throne next to Vina, playing Gertrude. Both are
looking pretty grouchy.
Vegita: Looks to Michelle. And why am I doing this?
Michelle: Sighs. Because this is for my English project. Now work with me! I know there
is a Claudius in you somewhere. You're both arrogant jerks.
Vegita: But it isn't a Saiyan thing to do! This is humiliating!
Goku: From off stage. Oh come on Vegita. Be a sport.
Trunks: It could be worse, Father. She was going to make you Ophelia.
Vegita: WHAT?!
Michelle: Snickering. Thank you Goku and Trunks. Ok, Vegita, scene ii line 62.
Vegita: Sighing. Fine... Takes up "Claudius" act. Take your leave--
Michelle: Vegita! It's "take thy fair hour" not "take your leave"!
Vegita: Grumbling about stupid lines. Alright already! Resumes. Take thy fair hour,
Laertes. Time be thine, and thy best coughs graces--
Michelle: Argh! Stomps foot. I'm gonna smack you!
Cye: Peeking from behind the curtains. Come on already! I want to act!
Finally Vegita gets it right, after another fifty interruptions.
As Vegita is ending his best wishes to Trunks, Cye, dressed
as Hamlet, walks in besides Vegita.
Vegita: But now, my cousin Hamlet, and my son-
Cye: aside. A little more then kin, and less then kind.
Vegita: Looks to Michelle. This is sooooo stupid!
A random lemon is thrown at Vegita, smacking him square in
the forehead. Kento has his hands behind his head, whistling,
and is walking away.
Michelle: Thanks Kento! I owe ya! Turns back to the scene. Cye, that was perfect. Vegita,
if you don't start cooperating... I'll put you in The Room. Corny horror music
plays.
Vegita: Pales, and quickly resumes his lines. How is it that the clouds still hang on you?
Cye: Not so my lord; I am too much i' the sun.
Vina: Looking as if she wants to puke while saying this. Good Hamlet, cast thy nighted
color off--
From off stage, the sound of sword fighting his heard. Sekhmet
and Dais slowly back onto the stage, attempting to take blows
at each other and yelling curses at one another.
Michelle: Growls under her breath. Security! She watches, amused, as pink Jerry Bears
carrying pink hair ribbons chase the two off the set. Ok, resume!
Vina: Wishing she could get off the set. And let thine eye look like a friend on Denmark.
Do not forever with they vailed lids seek for thy noble father in the dust. Thou
Thou know'st 'tis common: all that live must die, passing through nature to
eternity.
Cye: Ay, madam, it is-- "common."
Vina: If it be, why seems it so particular with thee?
Cye: Full of passion. "Seems," madam! Nay, it is. I know not "seems."
As the scene continues, Michelle wanders to the snack table to
get a donut. As she comes back, "Hamlet" leaves for his rooms
while the people in the throne room celebrate. "Hamlet" begins
his fist soliloquy.
Cye: Leaning on the stair banister. Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt, thaw, and
resolve itself into a dew! Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd his canon 'gainst self-
slaughter! O God! God! Moves slowly around his room, almost listlessly. How
Weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world! Fie on't!
ah, fie! Clenches fist and pounds table, a look of anger on his face. 'tis an unweeded
garden that grows to seed; things grow rank ad gross in nature possess it merely.
-- That is should come to this! Sits heavily in a chair and rests his head in his hands.
But two months dead! nay, not so much, not two. So excellent a king, that was to
this Hyperion to a satyr; so loving to my mother that he might not beteem the winds
of heaven to visit her face to roughly. Drops is hands and looks to the ceiling, face
full of sadness and despair. Heaven and earth! Must I remember? Why, she would
hang on him as if increase of appetite had grown by what it fed on; and yet, within a
month! Let me not think on't! Gets up and throws chair across the room. Frailty, thy
name is woman!
Michelle: Cye! That was *Excellent!*
Cye: Bows. Thank you.
Michelle: Ok, I'm going to play with the scenes a bit. Where's Ranma?
Ranma: As his rightful male self. I REFUSE to play this! You can't make me!
Michelle: Rowen! Do you got a bucket of water?
Rowen: Hands the always convenient bucket of water. Yep.
Ranma is splashed with the cold water. To many of the people's
amusement, Ranma turns into a girl. Before Ranma can go run
to find some hot water, Michelle grabs him, er... her, and Mia
helps in getting Ranma into Ophelia's clothing. They then drag
her on the set next to Trunks.
Ranma: Once as Michelle leaves for a moment. I refuse to play Ophelia! I am not some-
Kento: Dude, listen, unless you want to incur her-- Points to Michelle --wrath, I suggest
doing as told, then Cye can stop complaining!
Trunks: Ranma, you don't have a choice. None of us did. Just be glad she isn't making
you do something worse.
Michelle walks in, looking happy as Dais walks behind her,
tending to a bloody nose.
Kento: Snickering What happened to you, Dais? Get on Michelle's bad side again?
Dais: Shut up.
Still laughing, Kento moves off the set so Ranma and Trunks
can take their places. Trunks clears his throat so he can begin.
Trunks: My necessaries are embark'd. Farewell. And sister-
Ranma: Don't worry, I don't plan on sleeping with Cye anytime soon. He's not my type.
Michelle: Ranma! That's not how it goes! Let Trunks finish his lines then say yours, in
Shakespearean!
As they continue, Kento gets bored and starts wandering. Dais,
seeing an opportunity, puts up the illusion of a spider on Kento.
Kento: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! SPIDER!!!! Runs in circles. Get it off me! Get it
off me!
Michelle: Rather peeved. Dais!
Dais: Laughing hard. I couldn't resist!
Trunks: Ready to pounce on the Warlord. You ruined my scene, Dais!
Michelle: Either get the spider off, or I'll give you a bloody nose.
Dais: After a pause. No.
Michelle. Grins evilly. You asked for it... Security! Take Dais to-- Corny horror music
--The Room!
Ranma: Aside Man.. that is just cruel... Watches as Dais is dragged off by the pink Jerry
Bears and shudders as he hears a scream. Ranma decides he better do his lines
right after all.
The scene goes wonderfully well, and Goku comes along for
his part as Polonius, seeming Dais was presently being
tortured. It is just after Goku's big speech to Trunks.
Goku: Fumbling for the weird lines. What is't, Ophelia, he hath said to you?
Michelle: Goku, sound a little more stern. He repeats it. That's better.
Ranma: Nervously. So please you, something touching the Lord Hamlet.
Goku: Marry, well bethought! 'Tis told me he hath very o...of... Stumbles over the word.
Michelle: Sighing. Oft, Goku, oft... and you need to sound more concerned mixed with a
little anger here.
Goku: Looks at her, amazed. But... I can't do that! I'm not in an angry mood!
Michelle: After a few more tries she sighs and gives up. Fine, fine, we'll work on it later.
Scene five people!
Kento: Woo-hoo! My scene! Drops his drink dives into a barrel of flour.
Sage: Looking from off-stag. Do I get to act here?
Michelle: Uh-huh, later though. Be patient. Not everyone is going to act today. Sage sighs
and walks out.
On a platform outside, Cye and Kento enter. Kento is
completely covered in flour and in his Ghost robes. Cye
looks really worried and excited at the same time as he
follows Kento.
Cye: Whither wilt thou lead me? Stops. Speak. I'll go no further.
Kento: Struggling to not laugh. In an eerie voice: Mark me.
Cye: I will.
Kento: My hour is almost come when I to sul... Trails off and gets a strange look on his
face. In his normal voice: Michelle? We need to stop for a moment, I really need
use the restroom...
Michelle: Can't it wait?
Kento rushes off without a word. Sekhmet shows up, gloating,
with Vegita, Kale, and The Red Priest cracking up. Michelle
gives them a hard stare as she crosses her arms.
Michelle: Seething. What did you do to him, you four?
Kale: Oh... nothing. Falls to floor laughing.
The Red Priest: Honestly, it was nothing.
Michelle: Then why are you laughing so hard?
Vegita: Nothing... nothing at all!
Michelle rounds on the four, surrounding them with the pink
Jerry Bears. The Jerry Bears pull out a large bottle of Ex-Lax,
half full.
Michelle: Argh! YOU PEOPLE ARE DRIVING ME NUTS! CAN'T WE DO ONE
SCENE WITHOUT ANY SCREW UPS??? THE FOUR OF YOU, IN THE
ROOM! NOW! Corny horror music. AND WHO KEEPS DOING THAT??
After the scene managed to get finished, the director was forced
to skip Act 2, scene i because of Goku not knowing his lines, and
Kale being in The Room. Most of scene ii had to be skipped, as
Vegita was now being tortured as well. Ryo and Rowen are with
Cye, Cye's hair is mussed and he has a wild look in his eyes.
Ryo: Mine honored lord!
Rowen: Mine most dear lord!
Cye: Pretending to be enthused. My most excellent good friends! How dost thou,
Guildenstern? Ah, Rosencrantz! Good lads, how do thee both?
Rowen: As the indifferent children of the earth.
Ryo: Happy in that we are not over happy. On Fortune's cap--
Michelle: Guys? I hate to do this... but we gotta skip over this one too.
Ryo: Exasperated. Michelle! Come on! We're doing good here!
Rowen: Yeah! Please Michelle?
Michelle: Sorry, dudes, but we have to do the clown scene real quick, then Hamlet's
death scene. Not my choice, really it isn't, but if we don't I think this paper
is going to go on forever!
Everyone: Groaning. Michelle!!!
Michelle: Shrugs. Sorry guys. I'll make it up to ya.
Enter Anubis and Gourry. They are digging a hole in the
ground, talking. Gourry looks completely confused and is
having trouble with his lines, but pretends not too as Michelle
sits in her chair.
Michelle: Action!
Anubis: As he's digging. Is she to be buried in Christian burial that wilfully seeks her
own salvation?
Gourry: Trying hard to get his lines straight. I tell y- thee she is; and therefore make her
grave straight: the coro- Er, crowner hath sat on her-- Makes a weird face at this.
--and finds it Christian burial.
Anubis: How can that be, unless she drowned herself in her own defense?
Gourry: Why, it.. I mean 'tis found so.
Michelle: Gourry... Did you study your lines?
Gourry: Blushing. Sorry, but I couldn't understand what I was saying.
Michelle: Give and aggravated sigh. To herself: This is the last time I use anime
characters for my papers! To Gourry and Anubis. Never mind... we'll go to
Cye's death seen.
Enter Cye and Sage into Cye's room.
Cye: Sounding like he really needs a rest. So much for this, sir. Now you shall see the
other. You do remember all the circumstance?
Sage: Confidently. Remember it, my lord!
The scene continues, and Gourry had managed to memorize
his lines for Osric, amazingly enough. They make it to where
Hamlet apologizes for killing Polonius while Dick Saucer takes
place of Vegita for the part of Claudius. Trunks and Cye are
about to fight.
Cye: With a smirk. One.
Trunks: Flushing with annoyance. No.
Cye: Judgment!
Gourry: A hit, a very palpable hit.
Trunks: With a sigh. Well; again!
Saucer: With all passion possible. Stay, give me drink. --Hamlet, this pearl is thine.
Drops the pearl into the cup. Here's to thy health! Pretends to drink. Give him
the cup.
Cye: Refuses and pushes the cup away. I'll play this bout first; set it by awhile.-- Come!
After a few moments, Cye again hits Trunk. Another hit; what say you?
Trunks: Now really annoyed. A touch, a touch I do confess.
Saucer: Our son shall win.
Vina: Gloating because she gets to work next to Saucer instead of Mink. He's fat, and
scant of breath. Here, Hamlet, take my napkin, rub thy brows. The queen carouses
to thy fortune, Hamlet.
Cye: Breathing hard. Good madam!
Vina drinks from the cup, despite Saucer's warnings, Meanwhile,
Cye and Trunks are getting rather rough in their game.
Trunks wounds Cye. Enraged, Cye manages to grab Trunks's
sword and wounds him in return. People are trying to pull
the two apart as Vina falls.
Vina: The drink! The drink! O my dear Hamlet! -- I am poison'd. She dies.
Cye: Enraged even further and stands, glaring. O villainy! Ho, let the doors be lock'd!
Sage runs to lock the doors. Cye is now bellowing. Treachery! Seek it out!
As the crowd moved to find out who killed the queen, Trunks
falls. He explains that Cye is also to die by the same sword
that killed himself and that Saucer is the traitor. Beyond rage,
Cye pounces on Saucer and stabs the sword through him. Then
he forces the poison down his throat. Saucer dies.
Trunks: Gasping for air and looks sorry. He is justly serv'd: it is a poison temper'd by
himself. Exchange forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet. Mine and my father's
death come not upon thee, nor thine on mine! Dies.
Cye: Extremely pale and falls to the floor. Heaven make thee free of it! I follow thee.
Sorrowfully: I am dead Horatio. --Wretched queen, adieu! --You that look pale and
tremble at this chance, that are mutes or audience to this act, had I but time--as this
fell sergeant, Death, is strict in his arrest--O, I could tell you-- but let it be. Looks up
to Sage, who is near tears and is hold Cye in his arms. Horatio, I am dead; thou
livest. Report me and my cause aright to the unsatisfied.
Sage: Tears spilling freely. Never believe it! I am more antique Roman then a Dane.
Here's yet some liquor left. Grabs the cup and is ready to drink.
Cye: Knocks it out of his hands. O God, Horatio, what a wounded name, things standing
thus unknown, shall live behind me! If thou didst ever hold me in thy heart, absent
thee from-- coughs --felicity awhile, and in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain
is shaking uncontrollably as the poison makes it's claim. --To tell my story! Dies.
Damaramu, taking part of Fortinbras because Goku was
busy, breaks through the door as Sage stands holding Cye.
Sage explains what happened and Damaramu becomes grave.
Damaramu: Bear Hamlet to the stage; for he was likely, had he been put on, to have
proved most royally. Everyone exeunt, stage left.
Michelle: WOO HOO! Good job everyone! As soon as Cye is set down Michelle jumps
into Sage's arms. Ok, you all deserve a break. My house, party!
Trunks: Standing. What about those in The Room? Corny horror music.
Michelle: Looking around. Who keeps doing that??? Looks confused, but shakes it off.
Well, they must have cracked now... they can come.
Damaramu: Looking worried. What is IN that room, anyway?
Michelle: Oh... just some pretty pink tutus, pink hair ribbons, and pink Jerry Bears who
have had WAAAAAAYYY too much caffeine and love dressing people in
pink.
Everyone pales and hurries to free the people in The Room.
They all come out in pink make-up, pink dresses and have
pink hair ribbons in their hair. They rush out, screaming
for mercy. Laughing, everyone leaves for the party at the
director's house.
