Gundarn Wing

Gundarn Wing

               The Ultimate Parody

Dramatis Personae

The Gundarn Pilots

Hero Yueh- A teenager, a bit overly philosophical about war, dead-serious all the time, pilots Gundarn Whiff.

Duel Maxwell House- A teenager, likes annoying his friends, pilots Gundarn Deathspatula.

Chang Wuf-A Chinese teenager, prefers hitting enemies, pilots Gundarn Sendlong (Nutcake).

Ketra Ramadan Loser- An idiot teenager, annoying, most relatively "human" pilot, pilots Gundarn Grainstone.

Trowel Barton- Dead-serious teenager, works in a bowling alley, pilots Gundarn Heavyfeet. A Purist (doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, gamble, overeat, etc.)

Toto Corporation

Colonel Hex Markey- Best pilot in Toto, test pilot of all mobile insulters.

Quattor Kooshrenada- High leader of Toto, wears a half-cape all the time. Likes machines and AI.

Lieutenant Oin- Second in command to Hex. Fiercely loyal.

Dyslexic and Muellard- Two mobile insulter pilots that like reenacting historical scenes. Very, very frightening.

Other People

Relentless Wartrade- Ambassador from Earth to the Space Outposts. Likes Dr. Yueh.

Salami Pope- Partisan against Toto. Fights because "she likes insulting people"

The 40 Argonauts- A group of warriors loyal to Ketra.

(Cut to full screen shot of space, swing around Earth and Space Outposts)

Narrator: In the 23rd century, humanity has reached the stars, but not without a price. Human egos have grown so bloated that now the only way to kill a human is to insult them to death.

(Cut to marching Simbas, burning buildings, battles in space)

Narrator: Other then this, humanity hasn't changed very much. The Earth Globe Alliance rules with an iron fist over the Earth and the Outposts. However, a division of the Alliance has split, creating their own empire, and beating the Alliance insult for insult. This division is called the Toto Corporation. As humanity continues to research new ways of killing, human pilots drive machines of death called "mobile insulters." In order to maintain the peace, a secret group of scientists banded together to create five legendary mobile insulters called Gundarns.

(Cut to shots of each Gundarn fighting Simbas, music starts softly)

Narrator: Their mission: to destroy Toto, and to protect the Earth and it's Outposts. The five Gundarns are sent to Earth, disguised as shooting stars. However, the Alliance has begun to catch on to this plan.

(Display opening credits, with theme music playing and cool clips in the background)

Scene 1: The Shooting Shot She Got

Scene opens with a shot of Earth. Four shooting stars come streaking toward it. Shot of Colonel Hex sitting in the cockpit of a military plane.

Soldier: There's something coming toward Earth, sir! No, five things coming toward Earth, Colonel Hex!

Hex: How many can we intercept?

Soldier: Only one, sir.

Hex: One's good enough! Intercept that capsule, Otto!

Otto: Aye, aye!

The plane closes on the capsule, inside of which there is a shot of Hero at the controls. Hero would ordinarily wear short-short shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt. However, now he is wearing a space suit that has puffs at the cheeks and chin.

Hero: Someone's following me! And there's an obstacle in the way!

Shot of Relentless Wartrade and her daddy sitting in a space plane.

Relentless: (whining) Daddy, why do you have to travel so muuuuch?

Daddy: My job requires it, Relentless. And don't whine.

Relentless: (continuing to whine) Awww, Daddy!

Daddy: (grumbling) You really are relentless.

Relentless: Hey, Daddy, what's that?

They look out the window to see a shooting star. Of course, we know it's Hero. Shot of Hex, Otto, and soldier 2.

Soldier 2: There's something in his way, sir! It's a civilian craft!

Hex: We've got him now! He has to reduce his speed!

Otto: But sir, couldn't he just shoot them down?

Hex: Probably not.

Shot of Relentless and Daddy gaping out the window at the shooting star. Suddenly, a blast of light comes out and hits them. The shuttle plummets towards Earth.

Relentless and Daddy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Shot of Hero.

Hero: Obstacle dispatched. (turns around) I'd better pick up some speed.

Shot of the capsule comes away, revealing Gundarn Whiff in hummingbird mode. Goes flying away.

Otto: Sir! The enemies' new weapon is a plane!

Soldier 2: It moves just like a hummingbird!

Hex: I'll take him in my Simba!

Otto: Do what'cha like, sir!

Shot of Hex's Simba leaving from the plane, and chasing after Hero. Suddenly, Whiff comes shooting overhead.

Hex: What?

Hex fires a big gun, and clips Whiff. A couple scraps of paint fall off.

Otto: Nice shot, Colonel Hex!

Soldier 2: Not really.

Otto: Quiet, you!

Shot of Hero working some controls. Whiff suddenly changes to it's mobile insulter form.

Otto: Sir! The enemy plane just changed into a mobile insulter!

Hex: (thinking) I thought only Toto and the Alliance could build mobile insulters!

A pair of Capricorns are launched, and they heard toward the retreating Whiff.

Capricorn pilot: We'll take this, sir! Wait! We're getting another reading! That mobile insulter is made of Gundarnium alloy!

Hex: (thinking) Gundarnium alloy! Surprisingly resistant to insults! So it's true! That is a Gundarn! (speaking) Use caution! That thing's a Gundarn!

Capricorn pilot: Right, sir! (thinking) Gundarn Shmundarn!

The two Capricorns charge Whiff, firing. Whiff takes some damage but doesn't get destroyed. Suddenly, it brings up it's gun and fires.

Capricorn pilot: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Hex: (British accent) He took out two Capricorns in just one shot! Not too shabby!

Hex's Simba charges Whiff, but as they lock arms Hex jumps out. Whiff plunges into the sea.

Hex: (talking while in free-fall) Pick up that Gundarn next time you get the chance! And keep it quiet!

Otto: Uh, sir, don't you want a parachute?

Hex: Never mind, Otto! I'll be fine!

Splat.

Scene changes to a shot of Deathspatula destroying Alliance Simbas.

Duel: Duel here! I'm just saying that so the viewers know my name!

Shot of Heavyfeet blowing up more Alliance Simbas.

Trowel: I'm Trowel. And I pilot the Gundarn Heavyfeet. It is heavily armed with guns. However, after it runs out of ammo, it is not as good. However, it still has armament we call the Dinky Blade. However, the Dinky Blade isn't very good, and should only be used as a last resort. However, the Dinky Blade is still kept in case Heavyfeet runs out of ammo. However, it is believed that Heavyfeet should have destroyed all of it's enemies before it runs out of ammo. However, just in case that doesn't happen, the Dinky Blade is ready. However, the Dinky Blade doesn't wish to be used must because, whenever Heavyfeet pulls it out, it also has the sun bounce off it. However….

Shot of Sendlong (Nutcake) destroying more Alliance Simbas.

Wuf: I'm not going to be stealthy! I'm just going to sit here and slaughter my weak enemies all day! You are all weak! Weak! Only I am strong, and are here to destroy the weak!

Shot of Grainstone blowing up still more Alliance Simbas. (As if they had any left)

Ketra: I don't like fighting, and I don't like killing. But I kill and fight all the time! And I love it!

Scene changes to the Wartrade's ship crashing onto an airfield. Relentless and Daddy walk shakily out.

Guy: Are you okay, sir?

Daddy: Fine! Just fine!

Guy: Do you want a ride home, Relentless?

Relentless: (steamed after her brush with death) No! I'll walk home myself!

Shot of Relentless walking along the boardwalk. Some tanks are rolling behind her.

Relentless: I hate those tanks! They're so big and mean! And they could blow my head off without thinking about it!

Shot of Relentless noticing Hero's body washed up in the tide.

Relentless: (happily, hopefully from excitement) Wow! A body!

Relentless runs over to Hero and pulls his helmet off. A siren is heard, and an ambulance appears.

Hero: AAAAHH! (holding his hand over his face) Did you see….?

Relentless: Huh?

Hero runs away, beats up the medics and steals the ambulance.

Relentless: Who are you?

Scene changes to Hex in a body cast. He's sitting in a submarine. Shot of the top of a carrier, which shows a bunch of guys pushing Sciolossis's over the edge.

Otto: Sir, the search is underway. The carrier's deploying of Sciolossis's is going a little slower then expected, since the carrier really isn't suited for it.

Hex: Launch ours!

Shot of three Sciolossis' and a Pincher leaving the submarine.

Shot of four Toto (not Hex) Sciolossis' finding Whiff.

Pilot 1: Sir! We've found the Gundarn!

Commander: Bring it up!

The four Sciolossis' grab Whiff with cables. Suddenly, it starts making noise and flashes lights.

Pilot 2: What's going on?

Pilot 3: What the…? There's another mobile-

Suddenly, Duel in the Gundarn Deathspatula leaps down and swats all four. Shot of the Commander on the bridge.

Soldier: Sir! We've just lost contact with the group!

Commander: Fire torpedoes to that area!

Soldier: But- (commander gives him a look that shoots knives) Okay!

Torpedoes fire, but miss both Gundarns. Nothing happens at Hex. In fact, nothing much happens there, anyway. Shot of Deathspatula standing over the flashing and noisemaking Whiff.

Duel: Hey! That Gundarns' almost identical to mine! Even down to the self-destruct device! And it's on self-destruct mode! Can't have that!

Deathspatula steps on Whiff, and we hear a crashing, and then tinkling sound. The noises and lights stop.

Duel: I'm going to raise that insulter! Hey!

A battle insures between Hex's group and Duel. A close call insures, but Duel wins easily.

Shot of Hero driving along in a truck. Shot of Relentless following indiscreetly in her bright pink car.

Hero: Drive, drive, drive!

Relentless: Follow, follow, follow!

Shot of Hero heading into a dock. He is working some computers. Relentless walks up.

Relentless: Hero?

Hero: Relentless?

Hero takes out a gun from thin air.

Hero: You're in over your head. Prepare to die. Say your prayers, Relentless Wartrade!

Relentless: (going all bug-eyed.) Uhhhhhhh!!!

Shot comes out of nowhere and hits Hero in the arm. He falls over. Shot of Duel standing there with a gun.

Duel: It's pretty obvious to anyone you're the villain here. You OK, lady?

Relentless: Hero! (rushes over to Hero)

Duel: Yeah, I know. You don't have to be all grateful to me-Huh?

Relentless starts putting bandages on Hero. Duel looks confused.

Duel: Oh, man! Why do I have to be the villain? Oh, it's here!

Shot of Deathspatula and Whiff rising to the surface.

Relentless: Huh? (her catch phrase) AAAAAHHH!!

Duel: (shining a flashlight in her face) Don't look, lady! I'm sure you've got your reasons for being here but you better just run away!

Relentless: (thinking, blinded) Who are these guys?

Hero suddenly jumps up, dodges Duel's bullets, and presses a button. Some torpedoes fire, and hit the pair of mobile insulters. The resulting explosion results in Hero being knocked into the water, and being hurt. Relentless runs over to Hero, and Duel disappears. Sudden blackout.

Scene changes to shot of Hero lying in a hospital bed. Then it changes to Relentless walking up to the desk.

Relentless: Hi. I'm looking for the kid who came in here with third-degree burns.

Clerk: No visitors.

Relentless: Awwwww….

Clerk: Oh, you're the girl who brought him here, aren't you?

Relentless: Yeah!

Clerk: (indicating a major who just walked up) Follow the major then.

Major: Hello.

Shot of Hero waking up. On a viewscreen a few feet away it suddenly shows Duel.

Duel: I'm gonna bust you out of here. It's a good thing we got rid of that annoying girl, huh? (Hero doesn't say anything) No? Oh, well.

Shot of Relentless and the Major looking out the window at Hero.

Major: OK, there he is. Can we go now?

Relentless: OK.

The two are walking down the stairs when all of a sudden an explosion knocks them off their feet.

Relentless: Huh?

Shot of Duel and Hero running through the hospital. Duel throws a grenade, and the two run through the hole in the wall, into thin air. Duel is lowered gently by an umbrella he's holding. Relentless and the Major run up to the hole.

Duel: You fool! Open your tablecloth I call a parachute!

Relentless: Oh, no! (remembering the military major is next to her) KIIIIIDDDDDDD!!!!

Hero opens his eyes, and lets loose his tablecloth.

Duel: It's too late!

Hero hits the ground at terminal velocity and rolls. He is still alive.

Major: That kid just fell from a fifty-story building! And he's still alive! Amazing!

Shot of Duel and Hero raising their Gundarns from the sea.

Duel: You could thank me, you know!

Hero: (grumbling) I don't thank anyone!

Duel: Whatever. I'm going to meet up with Ketra.

Hero: I'll meet up with Trowel.

Scene 2: The New Mobile Insulter

Scene opens with a shot of a small Toto outpost in plains. A shuttle cruises towards it. Camera zooms into the command center at the top, which shows Toto soldiers working computers or just standing around. Commanding officer turns when an elevator door slides open, revealing Hex. Hex still has some bandages.

Commander: Sir, Colonel Hex, sir!

Hex: Hello, Commander. I'm here to test out the new Shortduck.

Commander: I should warn you, sir, that things' a monster. None of our test pilots can handle it.

Hex: Would I be here if they could?

Commander: Right…

Scene changes to shot of Hex, the Commander, and a mechanic standing on a walkway in front of the Shortduck. It carries a massive Doby gun.

Hex: I should assume the controls have been set to meet standard Toto format?

Mechanic: (Chomping on a cigar) Tha's right, sir. All our mobile insulters meet standard format. Ship shape ya know, sir.

Hex: (Taking out a gun and shooting the cigar out of his mouth) Get rid of that disgusting thing. (Mechanic walks off) I will be testing the Shortduck immediately.

Commander: I'll notify command.

Scene changes to a shot outside the base. The Shortduck is floating off the ground a few feet away from some stationary target.

Hex: Start with some basic maneuvers. I'm moving forward.

Suddenly the Shortduck stands on its head and starts burrowing into the ground. Gasps are heard from the command center. Camera switches to shot of side of Hex's head.

Hex: ERRRRRRRRRGGHHHHH!!!

Shot of the ground. The Shortduck flies up from the ground, hovers a few feet above it, and blasts the target to infinity.

Hex: I've done it! I've mastered the Shortduck! HA HA HA! Now I have a bone to pick with my old friend Hero Yueh!

Scene 3: Hero's Emotional Problems

Scene opens with shot of Trowel and Hero sitting at a table in a small room.

Hero: Why? Why must we keep insulting? Every day we just insult and insult and insult! It's all that we know how to do! Just insult and insult! Without regard to all those people we insult! I can take it! I can't keep insulting!

Trowel: But what are you going to do about it? If you stop insulting, Toto will conquer the Earth Globe Alliance! The Earth would be covered in evil!

Hero: Let the Earth take care of itself! I can't keep insulting! There's only one thing left to do!

Hero stands up and bolts for the door. On the way, he shoves Duel to the side.

Duel: Hey, what's your problem? Did your girlfriend dump you or something?

Hero: You'll never understand! Never!

Duel: (glancing at Trowel) What's his problem?

Trowel: Nothing.

Shot changes to Hero leaping into Whiff, and taking off. Camera pans to Wuf watching him silently.

Wuf: I always knew he was too weak.

Shot changes to Whiff standing in the middle of a deserted field. The hatch opens up and Hero stands on top of its head. Camera looks through a transparent panel at Hero's face. Hero holds up a joystick.

Hero: Mission aborted.

Hero presses the top button on the joystick. Camera zooms out to a shot of Whiff, which, amidst loud music, explodes. Shot of Hero flying up, and eventually landing in a lake.

Scene 4: Toto Attack

Scene opens with a shot of a heavily bandaged Hero in a bed, and then zooms back to show Trowel leaning against a wall. Hero opens his eyes.

Hero: (slowly) Why did you save me?

Trowel: I didn't. The EPA did. They thought your rotting body would be hazardous to the reservoir. When it turned out you were alive, I said I was your friend. They handed you over to me.

Hero: Great. Saved from a heroic death by the freakin' EPA.

Trowel: I've hidden Heavyfeet in a dark alley.

Hero: A dark alley?

Trowel: No one goes in them anymore.

Hero: It's your Gundarn.

Scene changes to Trowel and Hero walking through a marketplace, with a lot of dancing and singing and selling and stealing of food. A very obvious limo follows the pair.

Hero: Duhhhh… Someone's following us, Trowel.

Trowel: I'll handle it.

Hero: You sure?

Trowel: I'll be fine.

Trowel spins around and laces the limo with streams of bullets from two Uzis he has hidden under his turtleneck. The limo careens off the road and slams into the side of a building, where it explodes.

Suddenly sounds of combat are heard. Camera changes to shots of Toto Simbas fighting Alliance Simbas.

Trowel: I'd better get to my Gundarn. You go back to the house.

Hero: Fine. To the rest of the world I'm dead anyway.

Scene changes to Trowel leaning against the wall next to Heavyfeet, smoking. Suddenly five Toto Simbas appear at the alley entrance.

Simba #1: It's a Gundarn pilot!

Simba #2: And he's smoking!

Trowel leaps into his Gundarn, and activates it. He opens fire on the Simbas. Camera shot shows Trowel at the controls, with light flashes on his face.

Trowel: I want no part in this fight, however, I just can't afford to let anyone see me smoking.

Scene 5: The Challenge

Scene opens with Trowel and Hero sitting at a table. Hero looks much better, however, he still has a bandage wrapped around his head like a bandanna. He's holding a letter.

Hero: He would have no reason to fight me so soon after our last one. He must have a new secret weapon.

Trowel: Probably. Rumor has it that Toto has been working on a new mobile insulter. Except, by the rules of mobile insult duels, you have to accept.

Hero: Yeah. Except I blew up Whiff in a fit of depression.

Trowel: You can use mine.

Hero: But I'm the worst shot in the world!

Trowel: So?

Hero: Of course, who needs accuracy with automatics!

Scene changes to shot of Relentless looking out the window. There's an old guy standing next to a desk behind her.

Relentless: I just can't figure out why people won't just cooperate and get along! It seems all people want to do is insult each other endlessly! What do you think?

Old Guy: I don't think. All I do is fly planes. And I don't know how I do that, because I have such bushy eyebrows I can't see out.

Relentless: (ignoring him) And now another good pilot is going to die because of a ridiculous duel. (looks all misty-eyed) I hope Hero wins. (looks normal again) Wait!! This can't go on! I've got to stop it! Old Guy, to the plane!

Old Guy: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!

Scene 6: The Battle

Scene opens with Hero, Trowel, Hex, and Oin standing in the command center in a Toto base in the North Pole. Strangely enough, the two Gundarn pilots seem at ease.

Hex: We at Toto have rebuilt your Gundarn, Yueh.

Oin: At first I couldn't believe that the mightiest Gundarn could become just a few scraps of Gundarnium alloy, I mean metal.

Hero: Thank you, but I won't be needing it. I will use Trowel's.

Hex: Fine. I will use the Shortduck.

Trowel: Oin and I will make sure the Alliance doesn't interfere with this.

Scene changes to Trowel in Heavyfeet facing down five Alliance Simbas.

Trowel: I'll handle this.

Heavyfeet starts shooting up the Simbas without much of a fight. The scene finally opens to the last Simba crawling slowly away from Heavyfeet, which has an insult blade extended on it's right arm.

Simba: Totally….destroyed!….Wiped….out!

Heavfeet starts walking toward the Simba.

Simba: Gundarn…attacked…no….chance!

Heavfeet stands over the Simba.

Simba: There's a Gundarn down here!!!

Trowel: You think you said that loudly enough?

Heavyfeet leaps at the Simba and stars sticking it's blade in and out, in and out, until the Simba is totally destroyed.

Scene changes to the North Pole. Shortduck and Heavyfeet face each other.

Hero: Begin.

Shortduck flies up in the air, aiming it's insult gun. Heavyfeet starts firing at it, but misses. Instead, he hits the snow, causing a fog to form.

Hero: AAAARGHHH! Why can't I hit him? And this arm is so heavy….

Hex: (thinking) He's firing into the snow, making a fog! This one must be a better tactician than I thought.

Battle commences. The two mobile insulters fire at each other, but failing to cause significant damage. Scene changes to the command center, with Oin and Trowel looking at a viewscreen. Trowel is eating popcorn, and Oin is slurping a Pepsi.

Trowel: How long is this going to take?

Oin: Be patient. The longest insult duel on record is between Happy "Go-lucky" Johnston and Jack "Meanie" Smith. That one went on for six hours!

Trowel: Well, at this rate this one's going to break the record.

Oin: Aren't you upset that your friends out there insulting to the death?

Trowel: Not really. He's my friend and all, but I really am fed up with his emotional problems.

Oin: (Looking at a flashing control panel) Uh-oh. The Alliance is on the way.

Trowel: I'll take Hero's Gundarn and engage them.

Oin: Can I have your popcorn?

Trowel: No.

Oin: In that case, I'll go with you.

Scene changes back to the fighters dueling. Heavyfeet is shooting with his left arm, but then the barbs suddenly stop.

Hero: (thinking) Trowel said that when you run out of barbs, hit that button. It will make the left arm lighter.

Close shot of Hero's hand hitting the button. A light flashes.

Exterior shot of Heavyfeet. Suddenly, left arm falls off.

Hero: (Obviously trying to sum up courage) Uhhhhh, Hex! How about a one-armed fistfight?

Hex: A one-armed fistfight! Now that's more like it!

Shortduck lands, facing Heavyfeet. It's left arm suddenly falls off, and falls to the ground with a thump. The two mobile insulters charge each other, then begin punching each other. The fight goes nowhere.

Scene changes to Trowel and Oin fighting hordes of Capricorns (flying mobile insulters). Trowel is in Gundarn Whiff, and Oin is in a Capricorn.

Trowel: (With light flashing across his face) I don't think we'll be able to make this! There's… too many of them!

Oin: Let's hold them off as long as we can! Hopefully the duel will be over soon!

Scene changes back to the duel. Suddenly Shortduck punches Heavyfeet in the head and breaks an antenna. Heavyfeet falls to the ground, with Shortduck standing over it.

Hero: ERRRRRRRR!!!!

Suddenly a really small comfort jet shows up. Scene changes to interior, with Relentless pacing around and the Old Guy piloting.

Relentless: (At open hatchway) Stop! Stop this immediately!

Hex: (groaning a little) Why should we?

Relentless: Too many pilots are already dying already!

Hero: That's bad grammar.

Relentless: It's the translation.

Hex: We'll see, grand second cousin.

Relentless: Huh?

Oin: (over com) Don't you know, Relentless? Colonel Hex is your grand fathers' second cousin twice removed!

Relentless: What? That's impossible! He's….. (looks all steamed again) Hero! Insult that man! Insult him and insult him and insult him….

Hero: (groaning a little too) ERRR, why should I?

Relentless: Huh?

Hero: Haven't you heard the old saying, 'The grand second cousin twice removed of my enemy is no friend of mine?'

Relentless: There's no such thing!

Hero: There is.

Oin: Colonel Hex, the Alliance is on the way! Trowel and I tried to hold them off as long as we could, but they're coming!

Hex: I'll take care of it.

Shortduck walks away, picks up it's arm, and flies away.

Hex: We'll finish this later, Yueh.

Relentless: Oh, I'm so glad you're all right, Hero.

Hero: Shut up.

Whiff comes in and picks up Heavyfeet.

Trowel: You scratched my finish!

Hero: Now don't you start.

Scene 7: The 40 Argonauts

Scene opens with shot of plane landing in a small, Middle Eastern town in the desert. Camera zooms in to show Grainstone and Deathspatula being unloaded in an underground docking bay, next to lines and lines of Simbas. The Argonaut leader is standing outside.

Ketra: (jumping down) Hi! I'm Ketra Ramadan Loser. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Duel: (walking up) I'm Duel Maxwell House.

Leader: (gasps) You're a Loser?

Duel: He sure is.

Leader: My grandfather fought alongside a Loser down here. He was a loyal friend.

Ketra: Well, I'll try to live up to his standard.

Leader: Come along, I'll introduce you to the pilots.

Scene changes to big auditorium with the 40 Argonauts standing in it. The Leader, Ketra and Duel are standing on the raised platform.

Leader: We are taking on two Gundarn pilots. I understand this will be a massive risk to us, what with the Alliance here and everything, but it will be worth it in the end. One day the Gundarns will return to save us all!!!

Crowd starts clapping and cheering.

Duel: (whispering to Ketra) We will?

Ketra: Shut up!

Camera shows Duel and Ketra becoming acquainted with the 40 Argonauts. Scene changes to show the two Gundarn pilots, the leader, and an Argonaut with sunglasses standing in the hanger.

Duel: Well, we've had a great time with you guys, but we really have to go.

Ketra: That will be complicated by the Alliance forces here.

Sunglasses: We'll distract them while you escape, Mr. Loser.

Ketra: (eyes starting to tear) You… You've always been so nice to us…

Duel: (waving a hand in front of Ketra's eyes) Hey, buddy, don't get all damp on me, huh?

Scene changes to Alliance forces standing outside the city. Suddenly Argonaut Simbas start burrowing up from the ground. An insult battle follows.

Leader: Time for you to go, Mr. Loser!

Plane streaks away over the battlefield. Scene changes to inside, which shows Ketra looking out a window and Trinity piloting.

Ketra: Duel, would you come around for another pass. I want to repay these guys for what they've done for us.

Duel: Yeah, you would, wouldn't you?

Plane flies around again, with Gundarn Grainstone leaning out the window. It starts loping of Alliance Simbas' heads with it's insult cooping saws, then leaves.

Scene 8: Wuf and Ride

Scene opens with Wuf walking away from Gundarn Nutcake. He enters a town that has seen battle recently, with AA guns and people walking around holding machine guns. Wuf walks up to Salami Ride, who, with other guerillas, has been fighting the Alliance desperately to defend their homes.

Wuf: What are you doing here? You should have been evacuated long ago!

Ride: We're staying to fight the Alliance, and to defend our homes!

Wuf: That's ridiculous! Only the strong should fight the strong, and you are weak! And the weak will perish if they keep fighting! I am strong, but I will no longer fight!

Ride: Well, have it your way.

Wuf: Are you listening? You must stop fighting the strong, and retreat! Save yourselves, you weaklings.

Partisan #1: (walking up) Hey, you kid insulting my leader? I should warn you, Salami here looks "weak" but you should see her early in the morning when there's no coffee! Just leave us alone, kid!

Salami: We would become strong if you were to help us, Wuf.

Wuf: Why do you even try? (walks away grumbling about the strong and the weak).

Partisan #1: I don't like the looks of that kid.

Salami: That "kid" is a Gundarn pilot, Jack.

Partisan #1: (shouting) Really? I thought Gundarns were supposed to help people!

Scene changes to the town under attack by Alliance Capricorns. The partisans fight with AA guns, but are beaten up. Scene shows Salami and a couple of partisans running away into the hills, but are being stalked by two Simbas. Suddenly, Nutcake appears.

Partisan #1: What? It's a Gundarn!

Salami: It's Wuf!

Simba #1: Blast 'im, boys!

Nutcake starts getting shot up with insults. Dramatic music starts

Wuf: Run away. I don't want to fight.

Salami: If you don't want to fight, then you are a coward, and weak!

Wuf: I AM NOT WEAK!

Salami: Prove it! Fight the strong, and prove your strength.

(Music rises to a crescendo)

Wuf: YESSSSS!!

Simba #1: Hey, he's not fighting!

Simba #2: (sounds scared) He's probably just waiting to finish us off!

Wuf: Don't overestimate NUUUTTTTCAAAAKEEEE!!!

Scene follows with Nutcake beating up Alliance Simbas, mostly by grabbing them with his long arm and swinging them jnto mountains, and then jumping on them. Scene changes to Salami, Wuf, and Partisan #1 talking.

Wuf: I have to go now.

Salami: I hope to see you soon, Wuf!

Partisan #1: (ruffling Wuf's hair) Hey, you weren't so bad after all, kid!

Wuf: (looking annoyed) Goodbye. (Wuf walks away.)

Scene 8: Dyslexic and Muellard.

Scene opens with a very happy Alliance base near a waterfront. A couple pipes fall of the side of the building, and the chimney belches blue smoke, but no one seems to notice. A group of Alliance officers on break swim at the beaches. Scene changes to show a Scoliosis and a Capricorn. A Scoliosis is an underwater mobile insulter that looks like a frog. The screen is divided between shots of Dyslexic and Muellard. They are both dressed in Toto uniforms, and speak with high nasal voices.

Dyslexic: Ready to begin?

Muellard: Ready to reenact the Boston Tea Party! HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Dyslexic: Oh, shut up Muellard! You mean the Boston Massacre.

Muellard: Whatever.

Battle commences suddenly between Dyslexic, Muellard, and the Alliance forces. The soldiers at the beach scream, grab their towels, and run away. The Alliance forces are badly beaten up.

Alliance commander: We surrender! Stop firing!

Muellard: Don't you know anything, commander? This isn't a battle, it's a tea party!

Dyslexic: A massacre!

Muellard: Same difference.

Scene commences with Dyslexic and Muellard wiping out the whole Alliance base.

Scene changes to three-way split between Dyslexic, Muellard, and Hex. Hex is in the Shortduck.

Muellard: Today we reenact the Battle of Little Big Horn!

Dyslexic: Yes! HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Hex: (to himself) You guys are pretty messed up!

Battle commences. Naturally, Alliance forces are slaughtered, but soldiers are smart enough not to go swimming. The Alliance forces surrender, but Dyslexic and Muellard keep fighting!

Hex: What are you doing?

Muellard: This isn't a battle, Colonel, it's a tea party!

Dyslexic: It's a…oh, forget it!

Hex: This is dishonorable! Qapla, dishonorable worms!

Dyslexic: Hey, who are you calling a worm?

Scene changes to close shot of Dyslexic's Capricorn firing down on the Alliance base. All of the sudden it explodes. As the explosion dissipates, Shortduck appears behind it, it's insult gun smoking.

Muellard: You traitor! Why I ought…

Scene changes to Shortduck flying toward Muellard's Scoliosis, dodging the missiles launched. Upon reaching it, Shortduck comes around and grabs it

Hex: IIIDDDIIIOOOOTTTTSSSSS!!

Shortduck spins around in a circle, holding the Scoliosis. It finally lets go, sending the Scoliosis flying away like a Frisbee, until it eventually explodes.

Scene 9: To Die an Insulter

Scene opens with Quattor and Hex sitting in a room. Quattor is sitting behind a desk, and wears a blue coat with buttons in addition to his trademark half-cape.

Quattor: (thinking) I remember once, Hex showed such great promise. But now, (sighs) it's all done with.

Camera shows Quattor standing at a pier with a mother. At the end of the pier, there's a baby in feminine yellow chasing a butterfly.

Mother: Gasp!

Quattor: No! (holds mother back)

Baby keeps chasing the butterfly, then suddenly falls in. Mother shrieks, pushes past Quattor, and leaps off the end of the dock. Quattor turns around, thinks, and leaves the mother and baby thrashing around in the water. Scene comes back to the two Toto officers sitting at the desk.

Quattor: Oh, boy. Hex, what am I going to do with you? (Hex looks sullen but doesn't say anything.) At first I thought you would be the perfect real-life Darth Vader, the best officer I could have. But then you killed those two historians Dyslexic and Muellard! (Hex mutters something about dishonor, but Quattor ignores him) Now, how do I punish an officer that killed two historians?

Hex: (looking up at Quattor and grinning) Lightly?

Quattor: Nice try. Now, Hex, I know how much honor means to you, so I am going to give you a blaze of glory. I am going to let you die an insulter!

Hex: Thank you, sir. I understand.

Quattor: And, of course, I'll be calling your parents.

Hex: What?

Quattor: Nothing. You'll be fighting against overwhelming odds, using the Shortduck. You may not escape. Understand?

Hex: Perfectly. (exits)

Quattor: (sighs) How depressing.

Scene changes to show Shortduck standing on a plain, in front of which come clouds of Capricorns and Scoliosis. Camera zooms in on Shortduck's head, which shows Hex preparing for battle.

Hex: Computer, begin program Arcade 1.

Computer shows the words SHORTDUCK COMMAND. Then it shows a crosshairs, and mobile insulters coming toward the Shortduck.

Hex: Begin.

The Capricorns charge the Shortduck. The computer shows the crosshairs dancing back and forth on the computer screen, blasting the mobile insulters in midair. Hex smiles as lights dance across his face.

Hex: This battle is just a game!

Suddenly, the Shortduck gets hit by a blast. Hex's mask cracked, and blood flows down his face.

Hex: ERRRRR!! I once said…Quattor…that once my mask cracks I can no longer be your friend! Goodbye, Quattor!

Finally, the Capricorns are wiped out. The Shortduck has some damage, but nothing irreparable. The computer displays NEW HIGH SCORE: 4573890.

Hex: (smiles, but doesn't say anything)

The Scoliosis attack. The same thing happens. However, the Shortduck suffers another blast, causing Hex's mask to shatter, showing his perfectly normal face. The Shortduck crashes to the ground, and Hex is thrown out.

Scene 9: Mobile Frogs

Scene opens with Quattor standing in the command center of a Toto base. In the main viewport there shows a group of Simbas standing in a line.

Commander: There before you are examples of mobile frogs, sir. They are computer controlled mobile insulters that operate with ruthless efficiency. You will find them very good soldiers, sir.

Quattor: Great! I will support these mobile frogs as long as they are produced. To prove their worth, I'm going to fight all five of them at once!

Commander: Sir, I'm not sure that's such a good…

Quattor: No buts! Prepare my Simba!

Scene changes to Quattor's Simba facing the mobile frogs. The battle begins. Quattor puts up a good fight, but is shot up with bullets. Eventually, his Simba falls to the ground, holed completely. A bleeding Quattor steps out, a foot on its battered shoulder. Camera shows his bullet-riddled cape blowing in the wind.

Quattor: See? Get these mobile frogs to space immediately! Our invasion of the Outposts shall commence! Just let those Gundarn fools follow us!

Scene 10: The Gundarns Hit the Space Lanes

Scene opens with Ketra and Duel standing in a hanger bay, their respective Gundarns behind them.

Duel: Toto has been sending mobile frogs to space, and has invaded the colonies. I think we've got to stop them!

Ketra: We can't do that alone! And the only mobile insulter launch center is heavily guarded!

Duel: I think we're going to attack it anyway. When our fellow insulters see us getting beaten up, they will feel honor. At least that "strong" idiot Wuf will. They will help us, then we'll all go to space together.

Ketra: Sounds good to me!

Scene changes to Toto base, surrounded by tons of Simbas. Suddenly, a battle commences between Toto, Deathspatula, and Grainstone.

Duel: Ha Ha! Bring it on, you Toto fools!

Deathspatula twirls his spatula over its head, then sweeps it through three Simbas. It then leaps up into the air, hitting Simbas as it goes.

Ketra: (sounding very, very frightened). Where are they? I don't see them!

Duel: Relax! We haven't gotten beaten up yet! (Grainstone gets hit by a big gun, and staggers)

Ketra: ERRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHH!

Duel: Oh, no you don't! (Deathspatula throws it's spatula through the big gun, which comes sweeping back.)

Battle commences. The Gundarns fight valiantly, but are losing. Suddenly..

Ketra: They're here!

Gundarns Whiff, Heavyfeet, and Nutcake appear and start beating up Simbas!

Wuf: Prepare to die, Toto weaklings!

Trowel: I figured you would play with our honor, Duel.

Duel: How else do you think I would get you to do anything without getting all emotional over it?

Battle commences, the Gundarns move toward a large spaceship on a long track to the stars.

Ketra: I'll hold them off until you guys can escape!

Hero: I never knew you were so heroic, Ketra.

Ketra: Yeah, well, there's a lot about me you don't know! Computer, prepare Grainstone for self-detonate!

Trowel: Self-detonate?

Ketra: Yeah, self-detonate! Got a problem with that?

Trowel: Not at all.

Scene shows Grainstone walking toward the enemy, Ketra jumping down from it. Camera zooms in on Ketra, which looks like he's about to cry.

Ketra: (music begins) Grainstone, please forgive me! I hope to see you again, Grainstone!

Grainstone gets hit a little, but keeps walking, holding it's cooping saws.

Ketra: (music rising) Grainstone, you've stuck with me through thick and thin! You've understood me more then anyone, Grainstone!

Ketra: (arms spread, music at a crescendo) Grainstone, you're my very best friend!

Grainstone explodes, sending Ketra flying toward the ship. Scene changes to all five Gundarn pilots in space suits working spaceship controls. Camera passes over each pilots as he says his part.

Hero: I will eliminate all obstacles. Toto must be destroyed. Even in space.

Wuf: Only the strong should go to space. The weak should stay on Earth.

Trowel: It is not the end of the end. Oh, no, it is not even the middle of the beginning. But it is, perhaps, the middle of the middle.

Ketra: (crying geysers) Grainstone, (sniffle) I'll never (sob) forget you!

Duel: I'm going to space! YEEEEAAAAHHH!

Scene 11: Vaeyeighteen and Mercuy

Narrator: The battle continues between the Gundarns and Toto, even in space. During the resulting conflict, the designers of the Gundarns work for Toto, and have designed two new mobile insulters, the Vaeyeighteen and Mercuy. Even now, Trowel is working undercover to find something else about these mobile insulters. However, Hero has been captured…..

Scene opens with Trowel, the Scientists, and a squad of Toto soldiers.

Q: These are the Vaeyeighteen and Mercuy. They are two of the most advanced mobile insulters ever created.

Commander: Impressive.

Q: The Vaeyeighteen has the biggest gun we could dig up, and the Mercuy has a counter-insult field, which protects it from attacks. Mercuy also has an insult sword on it's shield, and a gun.

Trowel: I have been assigned to pilot the Vaeyeighteen. And I have thought of who will pilot the Mercuy…

Scene changes to shot of Trowel opening a door to a cell. Inside is Hero, digging a tunnel out of his cell with a homemade shovel.

Trowel: (not paying attention to Hero's escape attempts) I have a new mission for you.

Hero: (getting out of his hole) OK.

Shot of Hero and Trowel getting into Vaeyeighteen and Mercuy. The Commander's face appears on the screen.

Commander: You will be escorted by a group of mobile frogs. You must destroy a convoy.

Trowel: OK.

Shot of 11 mobile frogs, Vaeyeighteen and Mercuy. They come up on the convoy.

Trowel: Begin.

The battle begins. The convoy shoots back, but it's shots just bounce off Mercuy's counter-insult field. However, Trowel's Vaeyeighteen "misses" with it's Big Gun and hits the mobile frogs. Soon, everyone is destroyed except for Trowel and Hero.

Trowel: That was easy.

Hero: You said it.

They leave. Soon they are headed for the Gundarn base.

Wuf: (over com) Nutcake is irreparable. I will have to refit him.

Hero: I've found the designer of the Shortduck. His name is How-Hard. He will help us refit our Gundarns.

Duel: Good thing, too. I'm not sure ol' Deathspatula could take another battle.

Trowel: So it's agreed, then.

Ketra: (sobbing a little) No one will be able to replace Grainstone!

Duel: Oh, shut up!

Hero: Once we've upgraded, the age of the Gundarns will rise again!

                        Join the Gundarn Pilots in their new adventure:

Gundarn Wing: Continuing Polka