Title: Not the Me I Used to Be (Chapter 1)
Author: Inaka
Disclaimer: All of these characters belong to Marvel. I don't own them I just like to play with them. I'm not making any money so don't sue me.
Author's Notes: I'm re-posting this, my first fanfic, after making a few cosmetic changes. I started this and now I feel I have to see it through so I've decided to chapter this story. It's not going where I thought it was, but hopefully it'll be an interesting ride. In all I think that there'll be four chapters.
If you like it please review it. If you think it sucks please tell me why.
Logon...
11.08.01 23:47 Terminal 3
ID: Rogue
Password: *****
Valid password entered system starting...
Open file: C:/Diary.txt
Entry #212
It wasn't the cravin' for an ice cold Molson and a nice Cuban after a workout. It wasn't the urge to read just about anythin' with a bike or a scantly clad woman on the cover. Hell, it wasn't even the occasional growl, belief that flannel was an essential part of any wardrobe, or the urge to rub One Eye ... dammnit ... MR. SUMMERS! the wrong way.
No, it wasn't any of those. Those things could be dealt with, incorporated into my "New and Improved" personality. Just as I had managed to intagrate the pieces I had of David and the uncomfortably large chunk I had of Erik ... um Magneto into my "core personality" as the Professor likes to call it. It was either accept them or go insane. I chose acceptance. Absorbin' people, it's who I am, it's what I do. Don't blame me, blame Nature.
Personally I blame Logan. What does he have to do with it? Nothin' really, but I have to blame him for somethin'. I blame him for my continued existence. See sophistry is your friend. Logan! How can you love and hate, no not hate, I know him too well to ever truly hate him. That's what happens when you get someone in your head, your soul. Thing is he's not the only one who's left his mark on me, but he's the one I want there, the one I reach for. How can a person who's not even here, who hasn't so much as fuckin' called since the day he left, almost two years ago, be the center of your universe?
All the stuff he left me with I can take. Nightmeres, seedy memories, stead-fast belief that hockey is the only proof of God's existence. All these I cherish, hoard actually. I cling to them and guard them jealously from Jean's prying telepathic scans. Of all the Logan in me there's only one aspect that I hate, loath actually, his fear ... fear of me.
I know what you're thinkin', "the Wolverine afraid of you!" Yeah, believe me I should know. I scare the shit out of him. In his mind thoughts of me set off alarm systems that scream run as far and as fast as you can NOW! Why? Well I have my theories. If I lived in a fantasy world, or one of Kitty's slutty romance novels, I'd think that his "passion and undying love" for me had scard him off. But I'm pragmatic by nature, well at least I am now. The Erik in me has let me in on too many of life's bitter little secrets for little girl dreams to prevail. I can tell fact from fiction. Logan's love is fiction, his fear is fact.
Logan is scared of me. Hell I nearly killed Mr. Well-Nigh-Invincible twice! I don't blame him, I don't agree with him, but I don't blame him. Between Erik and Logan I've had quite an education, I've quite literally become one of the most dangerous mutants on Earth. There's a part of me that's a ruthless killer given to berserker rages, a kill-now-ask-questions-later mentality and few, if any, morals. There's a part of me given to extreme megalomania, Machiavellian scheming and few, if any, morals. Then there's a part of me that realizes that these are not bad things in themselves. They are ... gifts. Gifts that tell me I'm not a monster, my powers are not a curse, they're power, strength. It's a strange place to find self-confidence I know, but it works. I have the power to know and do anythin' anyone else can. All it takes is one little touch. One touch and BAM! I'm a seasoned cage fighter. BAM! I have complete mastery of the laws of thermodynamics. BAM! I can be, or do, just 'bout anything I want.
Sure there's the matter of that little side effect, but I'm learnin' to deal with that. Jean and the Professor spend all their time tryin' to get me to "protect Marie" from these "corrupting influences." What they don't understand is that those "influences" are Marie now. My thoughts don't come with nametags anymore. They might come from Logan-Marie, David-Marie, or Erik-Marie, but they all come from Marie. It was a matter of survival. It had to accept the others as part of my self or ... well you know; padded cell, white jacket, jell-o through a straw. They don't get that so I stopped tryin' to explain and just played along, it's easier that way. I swear sometimes Charles can be so patronizing. Did it ever occur to him that a continually evolving personality might be part of my mutation? A sort of counterbalance? No, he and Jean are the great and powerful telepaths who obviously know me better than I know myself, right?
Well maybe I like not having a true "core" Marie. Maybe I like bein' able to change who I am. Maybe I like becomin' stronger with every new touch. Maybe I'm not the one who should be careful all the time. Maybe I'm not the Marie they think I am. Maybe I've changed.
That's why I've stopped wearin' the gloves lately. My powers are just that my powers and I'm gonna use 'em. It'll just take some time to figure out how much touch is enough to get what I want. Brief enough to absorb the knowledge and power, but not to kill. Well, not unless it's necessary. What? It's not like we ... I haven't done it before. That's one of those "new sides" of Marie they whisper about when they don't think I'm listenin'. I'm not sayin' I'm gonna run around the mansion power suckin' my friends, but I'm sick and tired of hidin' what I am. The Professor is always sayin' how we should accept and embrace our gifts. Well I guess I'm sayin' "Thank you" and givin' mine a big hug. As I see it with each touch I become a new and improved version. A new Marie, a new Rogue.
Maybe Logan was right after all. 'Cause when you think about the possibilities I'm fucking terrifyin'.
Save file: C:/Diary.txt
Saved
Password enabled
Logoff
12.08.01 00:53 Terminal 3
Author: Inaka
Disclaimer: All of these characters belong to Marvel. I don't own them I just like to play with them. I'm not making any money so don't sue me.
Author's Notes: I'm re-posting this, my first fanfic, after making a few cosmetic changes. I started this and now I feel I have to see it through so I've decided to chapter this story. It's not going where I thought it was, but hopefully it'll be an interesting ride. In all I think that there'll be four chapters.
If you like it please review it. If you think it sucks please tell me why.
Logon...
11.08.01 23:47 Terminal 3
ID: Rogue
Password: *****
Valid password entered system starting...
Open file: C:/Diary.txt
Entry #212
It wasn't the cravin' for an ice cold Molson and a nice Cuban after a workout. It wasn't the urge to read just about anythin' with a bike or a scantly clad woman on the cover. Hell, it wasn't even the occasional growl, belief that flannel was an essential part of any wardrobe, or the urge to rub One Eye ... dammnit ... MR. SUMMERS! the wrong way.
No, it wasn't any of those. Those things could be dealt with, incorporated into my "New and Improved" personality. Just as I had managed to intagrate the pieces I had of David and the uncomfortably large chunk I had of Erik ... um Magneto into my "core personality" as the Professor likes to call it. It was either accept them or go insane. I chose acceptance. Absorbin' people, it's who I am, it's what I do. Don't blame me, blame Nature.
Personally I blame Logan. What does he have to do with it? Nothin' really, but I have to blame him for somethin'. I blame him for my continued existence. See sophistry is your friend. Logan! How can you love and hate, no not hate, I know him too well to ever truly hate him. That's what happens when you get someone in your head, your soul. Thing is he's not the only one who's left his mark on me, but he's the one I want there, the one I reach for. How can a person who's not even here, who hasn't so much as fuckin' called since the day he left, almost two years ago, be the center of your universe?
All the stuff he left me with I can take. Nightmeres, seedy memories, stead-fast belief that hockey is the only proof of God's existence. All these I cherish, hoard actually. I cling to them and guard them jealously from Jean's prying telepathic scans. Of all the Logan in me there's only one aspect that I hate, loath actually, his fear ... fear of me.
I know what you're thinkin', "the Wolverine afraid of you!" Yeah, believe me I should know. I scare the shit out of him. In his mind thoughts of me set off alarm systems that scream run as far and as fast as you can NOW! Why? Well I have my theories. If I lived in a fantasy world, or one of Kitty's slutty romance novels, I'd think that his "passion and undying love" for me had scard him off. But I'm pragmatic by nature, well at least I am now. The Erik in me has let me in on too many of life's bitter little secrets for little girl dreams to prevail. I can tell fact from fiction. Logan's love is fiction, his fear is fact.
Logan is scared of me. Hell I nearly killed Mr. Well-Nigh-Invincible twice! I don't blame him, I don't agree with him, but I don't blame him. Between Erik and Logan I've had quite an education, I've quite literally become one of the most dangerous mutants on Earth. There's a part of me that's a ruthless killer given to berserker rages, a kill-now-ask-questions-later mentality and few, if any, morals. There's a part of me given to extreme megalomania, Machiavellian scheming and few, if any, morals. Then there's a part of me that realizes that these are not bad things in themselves. They are ... gifts. Gifts that tell me I'm not a monster, my powers are not a curse, they're power, strength. It's a strange place to find self-confidence I know, but it works. I have the power to know and do anythin' anyone else can. All it takes is one little touch. One touch and BAM! I'm a seasoned cage fighter. BAM! I have complete mastery of the laws of thermodynamics. BAM! I can be, or do, just 'bout anything I want.
Sure there's the matter of that little side effect, but I'm learnin' to deal with that. Jean and the Professor spend all their time tryin' to get me to "protect Marie" from these "corrupting influences." What they don't understand is that those "influences" are Marie now. My thoughts don't come with nametags anymore. They might come from Logan-Marie, David-Marie, or Erik-Marie, but they all come from Marie. It was a matter of survival. It had to accept the others as part of my self or ... well you know; padded cell, white jacket, jell-o through a straw. They don't get that so I stopped tryin' to explain and just played along, it's easier that way. I swear sometimes Charles can be so patronizing. Did it ever occur to him that a continually evolving personality might be part of my mutation? A sort of counterbalance? No, he and Jean are the great and powerful telepaths who obviously know me better than I know myself, right?
Well maybe I like not having a true "core" Marie. Maybe I like bein' able to change who I am. Maybe I like becomin' stronger with every new touch. Maybe I'm not the one who should be careful all the time. Maybe I'm not the Marie they think I am. Maybe I've changed.
That's why I've stopped wearin' the gloves lately. My powers are just that my powers and I'm gonna use 'em. It'll just take some time to figure out how much touch is enough to get what I want. Brief enough to absorb the knowledge and power, but not to kill. Well, not unless it's necessary. What? It's not like we ... I haven't done it before. That's one of those "new sides" of Marie they whisper about when they don't think I'm listenin'. I'm not sayin' I'm gonna run around the mansion power suckin' my friends, but I'm sick and tired of hidin' what I am. The Professor is always sayin' how we should accept and embrace our gifts. Well I guess I'm sayin' "Thank you" and givin' mine a big hug. As I see it with each touch I become a new and improved version. A new Marie, a new Rogue.
Maybe Logan was right after all. 'Cause when you think about the possibilities I'm fucking terrifyin'.
Save file: C:/Diary.txt
Saved
Password enabled
Logoff
12.08.01 00:53 Terminal 3
