**NOTE: There is a story in the first explanation number-thing. It's the whole thing about being at Moxie's when Link got sidetracked by the underground cow story. My mind was wandering... And just imagine, for this part of the story, that Sheik is a guy. And Zelda...well, she's at the hairdresser's or Impa's reading stories to her or she's playing Mario Kart on her N64. Dude, just a thought. What if Zelda was playing Zelda, on her Nintendo 64 system??!! WOAH! FREAKYNESS!! And for those people who think Wufei has something shoved up his ass, he makes an appearance in here, so...yeah. No offence is meant to the Slavs. We love you. Well, Link does. (Link: I do not!) Why not?! (Link: Well... you see... I'm a guy.. and he's...) I meant ALL Slavs out there. (Link: Oh... Well, I only love the babes!) Link..... (Link: Yes?) ....Nevermind.... It's really long, so the story and explanation thingies are in the next chapter.
Moving on...
I am attempting to use as much Monty Python and Mel Brooks references as possible and yet remain sane. And there's a lot of references to movies. Usually lame ones. ~I mean no harm to Gwaihir the Wonderful. My idol, right there ladies and gentlemen. I didn't use much. Just the thinking line...and the spelling thing. But I only did it a couple times! Please forgive me! ~And for some reason, Link isn't as dumb and clueless as I wanted to make him... ~And there's a game too! See how many times I use the word ''quality''. Guess correctly and you get a pat on the back! Good luck!**
The Moxie's In Kakariko Village Has Better Nachos Than You Do, So Therefore, You Suck!
Everyone knows the tale, or at least those with class, of how I got stuck in a time chamber or something and sacked (or is it stacked?) some quality Z's for 7 years. I must admit, I felt awake and refreshed when I woke up. But then I had to go fight this big ugly dude who kept trying to kill me and stuff. That was okay, cause I got to go save the damsel in distress, Princess Zelda.
Boy, I have a hard life. See, there's this horde of chicks who just love me to death. There's my best friend Saria. She's a Kokiri and nice girl. She gave me my first Ocarina. She's really nice, nice curves that is. And we can't forget that Ghetto bootie--
"LINK! How can you think of the Sage of the Forest like that?!" Navi whirred around my head trying to get my teenage attention. Heheh, she sucks at that, but then she just keeps yelling at me to pay attention, then she starts talking, and I can't... I don't know what it is. She's just so friggen BORING. Once, she was telling me something about how to open a door and I leaned against the wall and a big Spider thing, she hadn't told me what it's called yet, and the author is too lazy to get out the book-- Skulltulas, that's what they're called, fell on me. I grabbed for my sword and it fell down onto the mondo-stickie-web-thing at the bottom of the Deku tree in a heap of legs and guts and things of that-there sort.
And so I went and got medieval on Ganondorf's ugly ass, and then when he decided he didn't like being dead, he came back as an even UGLIER dude, Ganon, which sounds like canon, which sounds like mannon, which looks like Manning, so Ganondork-- dorf is Preston Manning!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After making that uncomfortable discovery--(Chibi: Thank God he's retiring!!)-- I went off and kicked his ass (Ganon's, not Preston Moanning's [banana bo bannings me mi mo mannings Mannings]). But then Zelda, for some obscene reason, wanted to send me back to when I was a teeny-bopper so I could "re-live my life" or something weird like that. She's probably jealous of all the other chicks who want a piece 'a me. Like Malon, god she's hot now... And Ruto, now that chick I couda--hee hee, that looks like gouda, you know, the cheese-- taken easily. Man, when a chick, even if she is half-Fish, is that naked before you, what would you do? I know what I'd do... But thanks to
"But Navi, can't I take one little six minute break--"
"No, we're all in great peril."
"But Navi, how could six real quality minutes of my so-called 'precious-time' destroy the world?"
"I can't tell you, it's too perilous."
And that was the end of that conversation. So instead of banging Ruto like the horney boy from the woods that I was, I had to float up a tube and drain the Water temple. How gay. I was pissed for a week after that. So then I was suddenly (well, not exactly suddenly, but you know, time flies when you're famous) I was back in the "Old world" and I was no longer my manly slef--er...self. Which sucked. Then Navi hit me with... "news".
"Link, I have, news."
"News? It's not bad news, is it? You know I can take bad news!"
"Well, to be perfectly frank, it's bad."
(Chibi: But her name isn't frank...)
(Shut up stupid girl! It's part of the story! YOU of all people should know that!)
(Chibi: ALRIGHT Navi. Don't have a hissy fit. Geez, calm yourself, woman)
(I'm not a woman!)
(Chibi: We're not talking about you, Link)
(Oh...)
(Chibi: On with the story!)
"I KNEW IT!! I KNEW it was bad news. Wait. Maybe if you tell me the bad news in a good way, it won't sound so bad."
"B-b-b-bad news, in a good way... I-I can do that." Then Navi began laughing lamely and it all went downhill from there. She had to go to the Deku Sprout, or whatever it's called. It was calling her to come and watch over it or something. Change it diapers and crap like that. Eww...crap... So basically, she had to go. So she's gone, and the only things I had left (see, all the hot chicks are in the future), were the Ocarina of Time and Epona. So I went to Lon Lon Ranch and found my beloved palomino pony. After stocking up on some quality milk, I left that shit-ticket town and warped me and my Arrow to the Lost woods. And we've been wandering aimlessly for quite some time now. Just taking breaks for naps, potty breaks and when we gotteth the munchies. Yes, gotteth is a word. I made it up, if you don't mind.
So anyway. I'm again a teeny bopper. Man this sucks. I loved being a man! That was me, Manly Link Now I'm squat again. I had great length-- I mean... At least then, I looked something beautiful. I mean now, I'm back to being the dirty-little-boy-from-the-forest-who-really-isn't-from-the-forest-which-is-why-he-didn't-have-a-fairy-until-he-was-eleven-cause-he's-really-a-Hyrulean-and-he's-also-the-Hero-of-time-just-to-let-you-know.... Aw damnit, I'm thinking again. I shouldn't do that. Navi always told me not to cause I get off track and I wonder what Tostitos are made of. 'Cause Cheezies are made out of Oil. I know that much. Tostitos, which taste really guud-- hee hee. Guud. I'm Swiss!! See da preety muuses. Mi siisterr was biit bi a muuse onese iin da mountains-- with salsa. You know, the really hot kind. Which reminds me, I was once at the Moxies in Kakariko Village with my homies[1] and we ordered the hottest Wings they had. The chick who sat next to me ordered milk and I began wondering if it was real quality milk from Lon Lon Ranch which it probably was, cause Lon Lon ranch is the only place with cows in this country, which I think is stupid. There should be less cows in holes in the ground and more wandering around the countryside so I can kill one with my mega-hammer-of-doom and have a party in my tree house so we can all get high on American Processed cheese and sing the Cheeseburger song by Mr Lunt. I love Veggietales. Everyone should be able to watch quality humour starring Vegetables. Vegetables don't have seeds. That's what make things a fruit. But then, why do peppers have seeds? Are you a Pepper too? I'm a Pepper, you're a Pepper, she's a Pepper too! Speaking of food songs, Let's all go to A&W! Food's more fun at A&W! We'll have a mug 'a Root beer, or maybe two or three! Pick the perfect size from the Burger Family! Oh let's all go to A&W! I can taste it now, can't you? So hop in the car! Come as you are, to A and Double YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuu!!!!!!!!!!!! Hee hee. I love that song. It reminds me of hotdogs. Did you know the Burger family had a dog named Whistle Dog? He was a hotdog!
Back to reality...or some deviation of the word...
AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Epona reared up and away from something that scared her tiny brain. I fell off her back, and hit the ground with a sickening thud. Now, while I was in he land of unconsciousnesslessness... I dreamed about the Land of Chocolate, also know as Sweden. I was prancing around a little town made of peppermint sticks, gummy bears and chocolate dogs. I ate a mailbox then had a sudden urge to check out the outhouse. So I opened the door, stepped in and I began falling.
"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! THIS IS GONNA SUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKK!!!!" But then I remembered that everything in this land was made of sugary sweets and grinned like the idiot that I truly am. "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"
I went thud. Not a pleasant sound if you ask me. I opened my eyes slowly. I wasn't in the land of chocolate anymore. Bogus. Instead, there was some funky kid in a dress and a weird ol' mask trying to play my Ocarina. What an ass monkey. Everybody knows you have to have an Official I Can Play My Own Ocarina Card™ before you can play an Ocarina. Geez. How dumb is he.
I stumbled to my feet, clutching my head. The kid heard me and turned round. He tried to hide the fact that he'd stolen and was playing my Ocarina. Then he said something about something... I can't remember... I was trying to figure out what he was saying when he jumped on Epona and kicked her! No one kicks my horse's ass but me!! Epona began running away real quick, but she stumbled every once and a while. That's my Epona, the stoner pony. So I leaped and grabbed the Skull Kid's foot. He slipped, but held onto Epona's mane. I knew I should have shaved her for the summer! So she kept running because I had to end up with the wussy horse. She won't even jump into a river! Geez. How lame is that! Come on! OW!! OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! MY OVARIES!!--uh... I mean...oh never mind, but I just got kicked in the nuts..... by my own horse... the traitor.... She took a sharp turn around a tree stump. I lost my grip on the Kid's foot and rolled away at high velocity. She kept running and the Skull Kid laughed.
"Gotta get my horse..." Stupid me. Instead of going off and seeking medical attention for my two best friends, I got up and ran (yeah, right, ran) into the cave after Epona and the Skull kid. Man, I just realised how dumb I am. So in I went. Running, or whatever you would call how I was moving. Slightly limping and 'ooching' every other step. Then, I swear, this cavern came out of nowhere and jumped out right in front of me! I tried to stop, but, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
THUD! Ow... I landed on something hard again. Today was not a good day. Someone was laughing at me. I hate when people laugh at me. It makes me feel inferior. I know I usually am inferior, but I don't like being reminded of it. For the greatest months of my life, I was on top of the world. I was THE Hero of Time. I mean, you can't get ANY better than that. I was on top of the world. Did I say that already? Oh well. But now I'm back to being regular ol' forest guy Linky-poo. And I'm even being laughed at, by a Stupid Skull Kid. Now that I think about it--
(Chibi: Oh no! He's thinking! *hides*)
-- That kid has a mask on. And did I already say that too? I think I did. But oh well again. Must be horrible going through puberty. Feeling so ashamed of his facial blemishes that he's gotta wear a funky mask that looks like it should belong in that movie, Child's Play. Can't you just see Chucky putting that doodie on and running around scaring that poor kid, Whatzizname? Well if you can't, too bad cause I can. The fourth movie was pretty good too. Bride of Chucky. Eww... I just remembered the scene in the van with Chucky and Tiffany, where Tiff told Chuck to improvise when it came to killing, so this cop dude got a shitload 'a nails in his head. *shudder* That was a gross scene. But then, that whole movie is gross. Especially that scene where Chucky freaks out that gay guy and he backs out onto the highway. And a Semi Truck is coming and it hits him and his guts go flying everywhere. Dude, I loved that movie. And now that I think about it--
(Chibi: AHH!! He's thinking!!)
(Hey shuddup! I'm trying to describe a gory movie here!)
--I shoulda seen that movie with a chick, Ruto...maybe Malon. Yeah, Malon. So that she'd need to cling to me and stuff. Heheh. That'da been sweet. Instead I saw it by myself... I wasn't scared. Really. Okay shuddup. Shuddup now. Shuddup...slowly... Ever seen the movie.. damn, what's it called? The one with Ah-nold and that chick with the red hair... where--TRUE LIES! That's it! And the scene where he's sitting there with a tape recorder with a Latino voice on it and he's watching his wife strip? He asks her to do something. "Do it. Do it now. Do it... slowly..." You see?
So... yeah. So I fell in this cavern which really did come out of nowhere. And I got up and stuff. I was on a flower. A pink flower!
"Okay, why'd I get the gay flower?" No one answered. Instead a spotlight came on and there was the Skull Kid. And dude! He was FLOATING! I must be on some really strong shit today. Gotta congratulate my deale-- UH!! I mean...laa dee daa...dee deedee dum...
So anyway, back to the kid. He was floating and stuff and--uh oh. He's talking. I'd better pay attention. But--AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was suddenly surrounded by Deku Scrubs. Dirty. Little. Deku Scrubs. And they were touching me! AH! In places... Ooo! The places... ahhhh........ n...n..no! No! Stoppit!! Get away from me! You dirty little pervert bushes!!! Frigget mother fucker chia peeeeeeettttsss!!!!! I held my head and ran. Ran as fast as I could. But no matter how fast I ran, the biggest of the Chia people was right behind me. Then he tackled me! OH!!!! MY RIB!!
I opened my eyes. I was back on the gay flower again. The Skull Kid was still floating. Two fairies buzzed around his head. Gee, another reason to feel sorry for him. He has two Navi's to worry about. He began laughing. that pre-puberty laugh that I used to have. Wait, I have that now... DAMNIT! I keep forgetting I'm a teeny-bopper again.
So he was laughing. He pointed and laughed. I was beginning to feel that I had a milk moustache or something, so I leaned over to peer--hee hee. That's a funny word-- in the mini-lake in front of me. Hey, I must really be trippin', cause when I looked in the water, a Deku Scrub looked back at me. Wait a sec.... that's me!! I don't want to deafen you, but I screamed. Did that whole horror, I-can't-believe-what-just-happened-to-me-and-now-I'm-a-friggen-Chia-person! thing.
Then the kid started laughing again and floated off out a door. Then the fairies started going on and on and on about leaving each other, then the door slammed shut on one of 'em. Hehe heheh... yeah, crushing it. But unfortunately not so. That stupid fairy saw me and told me we'd be partners. It was the whole Navi incident all over again! NO! I can't take it! You'll just leave me, like Navi did! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
"Who's Navi?" The fairy asked.
I blinked my Chia Scrub eyes.
Everything went so fast... The last thing I knew, I was talking to the fairy that went 'DING' instead of 'HEY YOU!' And now I'm standing in a dark room. It's kinda freaky, and kinda loud! Geez. I must be in a friggen clock or something. Geez. How ironic would that be if I was in a clock? Pretty ironic if you ask me. Which you shouldn't. I'm very unreliable. Yeah, yeah, I defeated the Ultimate Evil, Preston Manning, which is kinda scary cause Sheik talks with his voice, yet I know that he's really Ganon... But oh well. I'm still unreliable.
Moving on...
The 'DING' fairy smirked.
"WHAT?!" I yelled at it. She didn't answer so I wandered up a pair of stairs which were handily right there in front of me. So up I went. After rounding a few corners, climbing a lot more stairs, I spied a door. So naturally, I went over and stood in front of it. You don't know how long I stood there pressing 'A' until some weird dude started laughing at me? [AN: This is true. I'm so dumb. But hey! I listened to Navi in the last game!!] I turned around and it was...
"AH!! The freaky-oriental-or-maybe-not-happy-mask-thing-sales-man-from-my-pas- or-was-that-my-future-damn-I-don't-know-anymore...dude...yeah."
The guy just smiled. Oh no, he's talking again. Boy, I missed a lot. WAIT! He said something about me being a Chia pet... And my Ocarina! My precious Ocarina! I don't want my Official I Can Play My Own Ocarina Card™ to go to waste! Yes! I'll get this mask thing! So you can change me back to my normal self!
(Chibi: **looking all formal-like** Actually, Link, you heal yourself. He teaches you the song of healing, and then you play it, and you turn back into your old self and get the Deku transformation mask.)
(Link: Well thanks for nothing)
(Chibi: Welcome)
(Link: Can you at least teach me the song so I don't have to wander around for who knows how-whatsit long?)
(Chibi: Three days. And sorry no. You gotta meet all these weird-butt[2] people and do stuff and ask for cookies at the milk bar and watch these two guys throw balls at each other for a whole day. It's really fun. And then you gotta sit on a flower and stare at the moon and scream like a girl when the ground starts shaking cause the moon is farting something horrible due to those burritos he had for dinner last night. And then you gotta "fight" the skull kid. That fight really isn't a fight. It's more like, 'Press Z then press and hold B for a couple seconds then let go over and stand on the blue blob, which is really your Ocarina, that the kid drops. Then there's this really BAD flashback where Zelda looks like a friggen NUN. You're all pumped for the 'fight' and then you gotta sit through this gushy THING and then you play the Song o' fricken Time. And then you're back to right here. So go. Go and do all that stuff I just said and more. Go.)
So here I'm standing. In the Clock Tower. Should that be one phrase?
(Chibi: Quiet, You)
I did all that stuff that Chibi told me to do. I actually did it all. See, I took notes. On this
little pad of paper...CRAP![3] It's gone! Where'd it go?!?!? Oh no! The instructional booklet has escaped from me once again! Why does it feel like Saturday? And why did I just think of that? Why, Lord? Why ME? Me, the cutest of all cute and furry things--
"Eww! Link, you're not furry..." Tatl fluttered kind of sideways-like.
"I'm not?" I patted my chest. "Damn! I forgot again! I'm not a man!"
"Link, you're not a man or a boy either anymore, you're a Deku Scrub."
"WHAT?! I'm a Chia person...still... I...almost forgot..."
"Link, how could you forget? You've been a Deku Scrub for 3 days already! You're even a Teenage Mutant Ninja-- No... You're not one of them... Damn you, Link! You've got me hypnotized or something!"
I grinned evilly and rubbed my hands together. I sang quietly and waved my fingers all magically-like at Tatl, "I put a spell on you."
"What?"
"No-thing!" I grinned again.
"Oh no... That's not a good smile.. Link! Stop that! Right now!"
"Or what?"
"Or I'll get ya motha to come down 'ere and bust ya ass until ya ding-a-ling!" Woah. Tatl's black. Who knew?
I eeped. I couldn't help it. Even though I don't have a mother...
(Chibi: What? Everyone has a mother!)
(Link: No! The stork brought me! Geez! Stupid girl!)
"So what do I do now?" I asked my fairy.
"You expect me to know?" If Tatl had fingers, she's be pointing at herself and scoffing at me. Sometimes I hate that fairy more than I did Navi. But only sometimes. A 'Ding' is a lot easier to ignore than 'Hey You!'
I sighed. "I dunno. I just thought you were smarter than me, but I guess not. You're just as dumb as the boy from the woods..."
"I am not like you in any way!" She snuffed. "I'll find out! To prove you wrong you little sack--"
Quiet laughing cut her off. We both turned around in slow motion to see... The Oriental-or-maybe-not dude! He giggled some more. "So glad to see you again," he said.
And I fainted.
To be continued...
