(It may look long, but it's all talk) A lot of weird stuff happens in this chapter. I can't tell you, or I'll spoil the story. But what I can tell you: I do cruel and unusual things to Link, and before the original content, I have a counselling session with Sheik and Saria. As a note, the lil conversations in brackets (...) are kinda Mystery Science Theatre (MST) type things. Overall, it's a touching story. Even if it is boring and long and . . . It's nice . . . So enjoy!
Story On Which We Haven't Decided The Title Yet
Hello. It's me again. Please calm yourselves. There's no reason to crowd around me like that. Okay, so there is. But that doesn't mean you can invade my personal space. Okay so it does. Do what you will with me. I'll be good.
"Link, you're so lame."
"Tatl? How you'd get in my dream?"
"It's not like I'm here by my own free will. Chibi sent me to wake you up. If it were to me, I'd leave you to the dogs."
"Sodomy? Ew...."
"Not like that! Well, you'd better hurry up."
"Why?"
"Cause Chibi told me to wake you up, and she's a very impatient person."
"She did? Why would she do that? And why didn't she come herself?"
"I don't know. Maybe she didn't want to see your ugly Deku Scrub face because she's terrified of Deku Scrubs. They scare me too you know, so WAKE UP ALREADY!!!!"
I opened my eyes. The oriental-or-maybe-not dude was leaning over me and smiling. "So glad to see you again," he repeated.
I held my throbbing head-- eh heh... heh... yeah... head.. *blushes*--
Tatl groaned. "Not that head, you idiot!"
"Oh.. heheh..." I blushed again and turned back to the Happy Mask Man. "So...yeah. Hi."
He stood, slightly bent over. Geez. He has a big bag on his back. It must be heavy. Not as heavy as Epona though. She's fat. *gets swacked over the head by Epona's spirit which is constantly around Link* Did I say fat? I meant phat. Yeah... phat! Epona can't tell the difference between fat and phat. *gets swacked again* But I meant phat! Really! Wanna hear that story how I know Epona is *looks around* fat? *gets swacked* I guess I'll tell ya later... *rubs the spot where Epona swacked him*
Where was I? Oh yeah. The Happy Mask Man was leering down at me. Gee willikers, that freaks me out. So does saying "Gee willikers", for that matter. So yeah, finally getting back on topic. He started talking, and then he was suddenly sitting at this organ.
. . . .
An ORGAN??
"Now learn this song and keep it with you." Really pretty music was coming out of the organ. But I don't think he was playing. I think that was one of those organs that reads the music off the paper that's inside of it. That Happy Mask Man is one big fraud. Well, that's my opinion. I don't know about you. Actually, when I think about it, I don't know you. I want to know you! I want to know all your secrets! All your dirty secrets. Call me at 69-FAIRY-BOY, I'll listen.
"Link, you are so lame." I looked up to see Tatl with her little stunted fairy-arms crossed.
[2]
"Wha-at?" My voice cracked and I shrugged at her.
"Never mind . . . But we'd better get going, you only have three days unti-- THREE DAYS? What the hell???" She fluttered around with this weirded-out expression on her little stunted fairy-face. "Link, we . . .we went back to day one . . ."
"Correction," I held up a finger, "square one. Now I have to do all this weird shit again . . ." I slumped to my knees. Holding my hands to the sky I wailed, "Why me?"
Tatl tilted her head, which resulted in her whole little stunted fairy-body tilting since she's so puny. "Why you, what?" I gave her the Heero Yuy Glare 'O Death®. She recoiled. "Okay, I get it."
After a while of silence, or as silent as it can get in south clock town, Tatl asked, "So what do we do now?"
"The same friggen thing I did for the LAST three days! My life if so friggen repetitive! And why, all of a sudden do I know everything? Isn't that your job? Are you slacking on me, Tatl? Hm? HM? HM?!!" I took a deep breath. "Calm...Okay. Let's go." And so AGAIN, I went on my ways and did stuff in this boring little town called Clock. What did I do? Hm... I rescued a fairy, a damn ugly fairy... Then I got a mask, so when I wear that, and the hair shimmers, there's, like, a pink fairy around somewhere and 'calls' them to me cuz they're so dumb they think I'm the big fairy lady that reminds Chibi and her best friend of their old French teacher. It's a very unreliable mask. Just like me. I just realised something. I, like, suddenly got SO mature. Damn. How'd that happen? Something must be wrong with me. I must have attracted one of those airborne viruses or something. Wouldn't that be cool? If I was an airborne bacteria . . . I could write an essay on that, if I was in school, and I'm not. And what I'd do if I was invisible for a day. I'd run around naked. For both those things. I'd run around naked if I was an airborne bacteria and if I was invisible for a day. That would be SO much fun! And what if I was an invisible airborne bacteria! COOL! But then that makes me think about the big fat mother F'ing needle that I have to get because I'm between the ages of 2 and 24 for the meningecucco virus.
Tatl tapped me on the head. "Uh...it's Meningiti--"
"Shut up! Don't care! Cause I am gonna skip out on the needle and go slug hunting." Hey, the upsides to being a kid again: as an adult, people thought I was really weird when they saw me out slug hunting. But now, I can role around under all the decomposing logs I want! It's all good.
Did I finish my last encounter with the Happy-Mask-Man? Well, he started asking all these questions, then he suddenly had eyes! And man, did he look stressed. Okay, so then he picked me up and threw me across the room, then he picked me up again and slammed me down onto his knee WWF style. He needs a valium. I got out with minor injuries. So now, I've done all my chores, and I'm sitting on the step just outside the South Gate of Clock Town facing the swamp. It's a lovely swamp. Swamps are always lovely, I think.
"So," Tatl broke the silence. "You wanna go down there or something?"
WARNING! STAND BY FOR SERIOUS-LIKE TALK! STAY IN YOUR HOMES UNTIL NOTIFIED! HIDE UNDER DESKS, CHAIRS, OR BEDS UNTIL THE PHENOMENON HAS PASSED! THIS IS
I sighed. "I dunno, Tatl. I feel like I should go there. Something inside," I tapped my chest, "is telling me . . ." I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees. "But I don't know, Tatl. At the same time, I feel compelled to go to the mountain up north, and to ocean out west, and to the canyon in the east, and then," I looked at the assured downfall overhead, "and then . . . to the moon."
END OF SERIOUS-LIKE TALK! YOU CAN COME OUT OF YOUR HOMES SAFELY! THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE! HAVE A NICE DAY!
"To the moon? What are you crazy, Link? Right now you'd better get your ass into the swamp or I'll get some being of the re-dead to rape you again!" I had made the mistake of telling Tatl my previous-life story, even down to the little details about the re-dead in the Market of Hyrule.
It was around here that I began wishing I had some Oreos. I don't know why, I just wish I did.
*Enter Chibi aka: the Goddess of York. Or not. Whatever. NeverMIND!*
"Link, I'm sorry, but this story really sucks. So I've come here to set you straight. You're supposed to go to the swamp. Okay? I'm sorry I had to come in here like this, but you really screwed up."
"Chibi, I'm hurt."
"That was the point, Link. Now don't screw up again, or I'll have Martha Stuart come and call you uncouth."
"Uncoo--what?"
"Uncouth. It means you're rude, you little idiot!"
"Oh . . .HEY!"
*Exit Chibi*
"Well thank God she's gone!"
"I heard that!"
"AH! I thought you were gone!"
"I'm the Author! I'm always here!"
". . .damn . . ."
"And don't curse! It's bad for reviews!"
". . .damn . . . Oh CRAP! Uh! I mean! NO!"
"And he wonders why I pity him . . ."
"What?"
"Nevermind, Link. Get on to the swamp." *slaps Link's ass*
So on her orders with Tatl and one slightly tingling ass, I went South. I posed with one foot on a stump and pointed, "To the Swamp!"
"Link--"
"Said Tatl, who was just a tad peeved."
"Grr.."
"Tatl growled."
"Link?"
"Tatl asked."
"AUGH!"
"She shouted in fury!"
"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THAT?"
"She screamed in her little stunted fairy-voice. Link, the hero, answered wisely, Well Navi--UH!-- Tatl, I'm telling the friendly folks at home where I am going."
"That's all fine and dandy--"
"Said Tatl. She glared at the handsome hero for a second before continuing."
"--But would you stop narrating?"
"Why? asked the hero."
"Because you're getting damn annoying."
"Sai--"
*Enter Chibi who is now VERY pissed at Link and glomps him on the head with his old mega-hammer-of-DOOM!*
*Chibi smiles to herself*
*Exit Chibi*
"Thank you Chibi. And another thing, Link." I looked up at her, holding my poor, sore head (not that head, thank God). "This isn't south. You went WEST, you IDIOT!" She kicked my shin with her little stunted fairy-feet.
"OW!" I rolled away from her. "Hey... sand! Oh...sand. This isn't the swamp, is it Navi?"
"For the last time, my name is TATL! You dorkus maximus! Why do I stay with you??!!"
"Because you're afraid what I'll do to you if you leave. You don't know what it's like not to be in an abusive relationship, do you Navi?"
"My name is not NAVI!!"
Just then, a crazed fan came running up to me on the beach. Hey! He's riding Epona! "You bastard! Where'd you get her??! Get over here, you piece! I'm gonna kick your white trash ass from here to Hyru--" Blushdom... "Eh heh . . .Hi Malon . . . Those leather riding pants sure do you justice . . ."
(Sheik: How lame. She's taking lines from the last story)
(Malon: I know! And why am I in this story?)
(Sheik: Don't worry. It's not you. It's Cremia)
(Malon: WHAT?! Another woman?!)
(Saria: WHAT?! Another woman?!)
(Ruto: WHAT?! Another woman?!)
(Sheik: Uh...Ruto, you're not exactly a woman...)
(Ruto: Are you calling me a man?)
(Sheik: yes...uh-- NO! no! ...aw crap...)
(Ruto: Crap?! I'll show you crap!!)
"Hi, my name's Cremia. I saw you walking from a ways. Don't you know it's dangerous to walk on this beach?" ...she said. I am now seriously doubting that this is Malon.
Epona shoved her fat head into my chest. I hugged her and patted her forelock. "Hey girl. You know, I didn't think I'd ever see you again after that Skull Kid ran off with you."
Cremia tilted her head. "You know her? Is she yours?" I guess my giggle when Epona licked my nose (now that I think back on it, it was really gross) answered her question. "My sister and I found her this morning. She was wandering around Termina Field. We caught her without a problem, I even mounted her bareback, but she refused to jump over a simple creek, or a fence going uphill. She's an odd horse."
No, I thought, she's just an idiot. At least, I thought I thought that. Apparently I said it out loud. Stupid brain. Sometimes I think I'd be better off without it. But, oh my . . . Cremia's looking at me . . . My brain just came up with an idea. There's a Temple Of Time back in Hyrule, and I can freeze time here, and if I can find myself a blow torch so I can open the door leading back to the Lost Woods . . . I am so bad.
Tatl tugged on my sleeve. "Link, you can't do that, whatever you're thinking. You' have to go to the Swamp!"
"But Tatl!" I whined. "I wanna go back to the Temple Of Time and become a man!"
"Link, how would you get there? The door to the Other World is closed tight, and the moon will hit clock town in two and a half days! You don't have time to grow up!" I hate having arguments with oblivious fairies.
I turned to Cremia, "Excuse me for a minute." I took out my handy-dandy . . .Ocarina and played the Double Song Of Inverted Time. All time froze except for me and Tatl. "See?" I grinned at my fairy.
She fluttered around all sideways-like again. "How'd you DO that?"
"I told you, when the Author thinks you're hot as 'Manly Link', one can do many things. And that 'One' just happens to me." I took out a pair of sunglasses. "Just call me 'Neo'."
The Screwed Story From Beyond
(Chibi: I am so ashamed)
(Sheik: Aww, Chibi don't get down on yourself. It was a good story)
(Chibi: Yeah. Keyword: was)
(Saria: No, Chibi, seriously. It's an original idea, which you're not known for. It's very good that you thought of something so interesting!)
(Chibi: *sniff* Y-you think it's interesting? Honestallement?)
(Saria: Of course)
(Sheik: *gets jabbed in the ribs by Saria* Yeah!)
(Chibi: Okay. Does the new title fit?)
(Sheik: Yes. Most defiantly)
(Saria: Whatever you think is right, Chibi)
(Chibi: And do you guys understand what's happening?)
(Sheik: Link's frozen time in Termina and is somehow going back to Hyrule to grow up, then is going to come back to Termina as 'Manly Link')
(Chibi: Good)
I raised the Ocarina of Time to my lips, focussing my mind on the Temple of Time and the Triforce. The Prelude of Light seemed to find it's way out all on it's own. And the next thing I knew, I was standing in the first room of the Temple.
"YEAH!" I screamed and jumped around. And Tatl looked at me . . . "Isn't this GREAT, Tatl??!! YEAH!!! I'M HOOOOOME!!"
Tatl tilted her little stunted fairy-body. "Hey!" she said.
I stopped jumping. "Tatl?"
"Who's Tatl?" the fairy asked.
"Navi?!" My eyes went all big and Bambi.
"Link?!" The fairy fluttered up, her little blue aura trailing behind her.
"NAVI!!"
"LINK!!"
We hugged. Or at least the closest thing to a hug when it comes to a ten-year-old and a fairy.
Just then I felt something move around inside my hat. For practically the first time in my life, I took off my hat and looked inside it (last time I did that, I was looking for the PB&J sandwich I'd left in there). A yellow fairy cam buzzing out. She dinged at me.
"Tatl?"
"AUGH! Why'd you put me in there?? It reeks in there! How often do you shower?" Then Tatl saw Navi.
The room literally got darker and blue and yellow sparks flew between the two fairies. At least they love me . . . Right?
" "Who's that?" " both fairies asked with venom.
"Navi, Tatl. Tatl, Navi. Navi, Tatl's my fairy from Termina, and Tatl, Navi's my fairy from Hyrule." I clasped my hands in front of me and sighed. "But enough with introductions, I have a body to change!" I closed my eyes and strutted forward. THWACK--THUMP! "Ung....." I ran into the pedestal with the three spiritual stones, then folded over and my neck was pieced by the Zora's Sapphire. "OWIE!!" I used the Kokiri's Emerald to study the damage done to my beautiful neck. "AH! NAVI! It's looks like I was bit by a vampire!"
Navi fluttered over my shoulder, Tatl was close behind her. "Indeed it does, Link. At least it's not as bad as the hickies Ruto used to give you."
Tatl dinged. "How do you know about that?!"
Navi glared at the yellow fairy, "Hey! I am his fairy here! I know more about his kid than you can guess! I even know his sexual endeavours!"
"Woah, Navi! You're getting a little personal there . . ."
"The point is, Charlatan, he has none!"
Tatl gasped in horror. "Link," she asked, "is this true?"
Navi scoffed, "He won't answer you. He's too proud to admit it."
*Chibi's Warning: Sad moment*
I felt . . .hurt. How could Navi do this to me? My oldest friend next to Saria . . . If I didn't have so much control, I was going to cry. "NAVI! How could you say that?! Now I know why you left me! You hate me! Well I hate you too! You were an annoying, PMSing bitch-fairy who knew nothing but how to embarrass me in front of everyone! Leave me alone!" I wiped a small (very small, in fact, microscopic) tear out of my eye. "Come on, Tatl. We don't need her." Tatl fluttered out from behind Navi, who had dimmed to a dull teal, and rested on my shoulder. I turned around and ran up the stairs into the Pedestal Room. I ran up to the Master Sword and pulled it out of it's stone hold.
Blue light flared around me. I screamed with the tearing pain going into hyper-sleep implied. Tatl also screamed. We screamed together. A third voice joined ours. Navi. The three of us screamed for seven years . . .
I opened my eyes, as it seemed, only a second later. I blinked. Everything seemed to small. The room, the two fairies fluttering around my head (okay, since you little hentai's can't tell head from head I'll just say hat now. Okay? HAT!), the Master Sword that I held in my hand, the shield on my back . . . It worked!
*Chibi's Warning: Sad moment is over*
"YEAH!" I screamed, throwing my hands into the air, shaking them at the doubt in the air.
I froze.
I suddenly had the biggest craving for Wheat Crunch. Do you know how much fun one can have with a sack (hee hee. sack)of Wheat Crunch and a best friend who can't seem to grasp the fact that you do not inhale the dried wheat.
[AN: My cat is walking in front of my monitor, so the typing might be a bit messed up, add to the fact that it's midnight and I'm about the fall over. Wait, cat's gone. Resume with story]
Okay, so I was saying that once Sheik was such an idiot that he inhaled this pizza flavoured Wheat Crunch and he started choking. All wheezing and stuff. Really funny. He turned blue.
Navi and Tatl both jabbed me in the ribs. "Can we get a move on?" the blue one asked. "Remember, you left Cremia sitting on Epona all by herself in Termina," the other reminded me.
Yeah, yeah, don't get your panties in a bunch. I'm a-commin'. All these crazy things happenin' an all they want me to do is rush my pretty butt back to the land from hell. I WANT ICE CREAM! I WANT TO GO TO MOXIE'S ONE MORE TIME! I WANT TO LET LAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDD!!!!!!!
"Link, stop whining and get us back to Termina!" Tatl beat me over the head with her little stunted fairy-hands.
I was indifferent to pain. "OW! MY EHAD!!"
"Ehad? What the hell is an Ehad?" Navi tilted her little stunted fairy-body.
"It's HEAD without spellcheck, you SOUPSPOON!!" I gave her the raspberry.
"Well ANYway, let's get going!"
"Which one of you said that?"
"I did."
"Oh that sure helps."
"You're welcome."
"I didn't mean it that way!"
"Sure you didn't."
"I did too!"
" "HA! Got you to admit it!!" "
"Damn fairies..."
" "What did you say?" "
"I said . . .da . . .mn . . .fair . . .ires . . .crap!"
" "HA!" "
"Would you two stop that??!!
"What?"
"Who's talking?"
"I don't know…"
"I'm lost…"
" "Me too…" "
"Aw…crap…?"
"There wasn't supposed to be a question mark there…"
"Chibi's drunk…"
"No. She's just in school."
" "Ahhhh." "
"I said would you two stop that already!"
"And we answered."
"You did?"
"Yeah."
"What did you answer?"
" "NO!! AH HAHAHAHA!!!" "
*Enter Chibi*
And then Chibi walked into the room. And did she ever walk into the room . . .
(*remember, inside these is MST*)
(Sheik: Uh, Chibi... What are you doing?)
(Chibi: Just watch)
She walked, her hips swinging back and forth, hypnotizing me for more than a few moments. Navi and Tatl blushed, turning them into odd shades of purple and orange. "Link," Navi poked my right arm. "Link . . ." Tatl poked my left arm. If I had been paying enough attention to consciously form words, I wouldn't have been paying attention to them anyway, so screw me answering. There was just her . . .
(Sheik: But Chibi...)
(Chibi: Shut up! You're ruining the suspense!)
(Sheik: What suspense?)
(Chibi: ~_~;;;)
"Wow, Chibi. You're all... wow..." Sometimes I hate my brain. It tries to think of things that are cool and suavé, but it fails, miserably. I am ashamed of my brain.
"No, Link. I'm ashamed of your brain," Chibi interrupted. I sweatdropped and fell over.
(Sheik: Was that the suspense?)
(Chibi: Nevermind, Sheik. You didn't get it. You're too slow. Go back to the plastic ball park and have fun playing in there with Duo)
(Sheik: Oh boy! *runs off to the plastic ball park*)
(Chibi: Idiots! I'm surrounded by idiots!)
"What?"
"Yes, Link. You managed to qualify as an idiot."
"Lay off Navi! You're mean!"
"It's my freaking job. O-kay?" she said à-la Dr Evil.
"Wait a second," Chibi closed her eyes and held up her hands. "How did you manage to hear what's going on out there?" *points out to the actual MST. is pointing right at Mike*
(Mike: Oh God... They've figured us out! CRAP! RUN!! RUN, YOU LITTLE ROBOTS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!)
(Crow: Calm down, you idiot. She's not really pointing to us, just to the camera)
(Mike: *calming down* Oh...)
"And what if I was really talking to you?" she asked, her hands on her hips.
(Mike: CRAP! I told you!!)
(*all the real MSTers run away*)
"Now that that problem's delt with . . ." Then she turned back to me. Holy wow . . . "Link," she said, looking right at me!! "You seriously need to get on with the story. I just checked and it's 12 pages long! That's too long for idioscism!!" I held up a finger-- "LINK!" Not that finger. "Oh. But anyway, get a move on cutie pants!"
And she left.
(Sheik: What was that all about?)
(Chibi: What?)
(Sheik: You all enticing Link and stuff)
(Chibi: Oh. That. I dunno. It was late. I felt like it. Did you have fun playing with Duo?)
(Sheik: *kind of confused* Yes. Yes I did. How did you know about that?)
(Chibi: Well, since I was the one who told you to go and play with him, and I was just wondering--)
"Hell-O?!" I tapped my foot and crossed my arms.
(Chibi: Oh. Sorry)
"Yeah, it's about time." So I took out my Ocarina and played the song of whatever it was again, so now I'm back in Clock Town. Navi's all freaking out and stuff. I stuffed her in my hat, after dunking my head in the little (now really little pool) by the stairs. A few hot glances and a charming smile later, I was back out in Termina field.
Tatl fluttered around my head again. "Link, time's still frozen. Play the Double Song of Inverted Time again!"
"The WHAT?" Navi muffled from under my hat.
So I did. Walkie walkies . . . So back to Cremia. She saw me, and
She fainted . . .
