DISCLAIMER: Still owning nothing…except for my own insanity

DISCLAIMER: Still owning nothing…except for my own insanity.

A/N: This particular chapter is PG-13 for implied naughtiness…

Harry Potter Fairy Tales: Hansel and Gretel

Chapter Three: Rude Awakenings

*Crabbe and Goyle trundle out from wardrobe dressed in a dirndle and lederhosen respectively*

Crabbe: *pouting* I want to punch myself…

*Goyle scratches at the lederhosen*

*author holds back a snicker* You look…um…*Crabbe and Goyle look at her expectantly* …you look…er…let's just get this started shall we? Mr. and Mrs. Weasley?

Mrs. Weasley: We're ready honey…*to Mr. Weasley* …dear?

Mr. Weasley: *fighting the urge to laugh…and failing miserably* …I'm ready *snorts*

Ok…here we go…

Once upon a time in a land far, far away…there lived a woodcutter, his wife and their two children, Hansel and Gretel. They were very poor and lived only in a small…

Where's the hut? I'm supposed to have a hut! *stamps her feet* Where's my set designer?!?

Mr. Weasley: I think that was Cornelius Fudge…

*incredulous* We hired Cornelius Fudge? *shakes her head* Well where is he? I need a hut! We cannot move forward without a hut!

Mrs. Weasley: Well, he is the Minister of Magic…he has things to do…

*stares at her* yes…LIKE BUILD A SET THAT INCLUEDS A HUT!!!!

Mr. Weasley: *whispering to Mrs. Weasley* I think she's losing it…

Mrs. Weasley: *whispering back* I think she already did…

*close to tears, again* All I asked for is a nice set…is that too much? Just a small hut for…*inspiration* …hey, Hagrid lives in a hut…we'll just use his!

*author marches over to Hagrid's and bangs on the door* Hagrid! Hagrid? We need to use your house…Hagrid? *opens door and peeks in* Hagrid? I'm trying to write a story and need to use OH MY GAWD!!!! MY EYES, MY EYES!!! *author slams the door shut and runs into the Forbidden Forest, screaming all the way*

Mr. Weasley: You're right…I think she has lost it…

*Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, Crabbe and Goyle run after the author, curious as to her behaviour*

Mrs. Weasley: Wait up honey…what's wrong?

*they find the author leaning up against a tree, trying to catch her breath*

WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME MADAME MAXINE WAS VISITING?!? I HAVE TO BLEACH MY BRAIN TO GET RID OF THE IMAGES!!!

Crabbe: Huh?

Goyle: *looks confused for a moment…then giggles*

*Crabbe looks at Goyle questioningly…Goyle whispers something to him…they both giggle like schoolgirls*

Mrs. Weasley: *understanding why the author is more disturbed than usual* Oh…oh dear…oh my…Hagrid and Madame Maxine were…

YES! OH GAWD YES! OH, THE HUMANITY! *stares wildly at her cast* Forget the hut…let's just get these two *looks at Crabbe and Goyle* into the woods…*to Mrs. Weasley* You and Mr. Weasley are free to go until the end of the story…

*Mr. and Mrs. Weasley look at each other*

Mrs. Weasley: Actually, I think we'll stick around…for support.

Sure, okay…*to Crabbe and Goyle* Go on then…into the woods with you.

*Crabbe and Goyle march off into the Forbidden Forest, with the author and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley follwing*

Crabbe: *muttering and scratching at the dirndl* I thought there was supposed to be a buffet…

Another A/N: Next chapter – Into The Woods (Finally)! Thank you again for all your wonderful reviews!