Okay…just to get you up to speed…here's the story thus far…sort of…

Disclaimer: Hey, guess what? I still don't own the HP characters! J. K. Rowling does! Can you believe it? Shock and surprise all around!

Harry Potter Fairy Tales: Hansel and Gretel

Chapter Four – Striking Elves and Evil Witches (or lack thereof)

Okay…just to get you up to speed…here's the story thus far…sort of…

Once upon a time there was a woodcutter, his wife and their two children, Hansel and Gretel. They were so poor they didn't even have a hut *shudder…please don't ask* to live in. They couldn't afford to feed their children, so they dropped them off in the middle of the forest to fend for themselves…(I know that's not exactly how the story goes…but really, if you've read this far, were you really expecting accuracy?)

Mrs. Weasley: *shocked* Wait a second! We leave them in the forest to fend for themselves?!? I'd never do that to my children!

*looks at Crabbe and Goyle stumbling around through the Forbidden Forest…in a dirndl and lederhosen* first of all, they aren't your children…

Mr. Weasley: …but they were originally…it was supposed to be Ron and Ginny.

*sigh* Look…it's all a part of the plot…that's what happens in the story…

Mrs. Weasley: I don't know if I really care for this story anymore…

*mutters* neither do I…

Mr. Weasley: What was that?

Nothing…let's keep this story moving, shall we? I want to get this over with before the end of the year…hopefully…

So Hansel and *snort* Gretel wandered through the forest trying in vain to find their way home, back to their parents.

Crabbe: Is this story done yet? I'm hungry…where's that buffet?

Goyle: *grunts in agreement*

Don't worry…you'll be fed yet…

The two walked through the woods, growing hungrier by the minute…

Crabbe: I just said that…

Stuff it dirndl boy…I'm telling this story…

They walked and walked and walked until…

Crabbe: CANDY!!!

Goyle: *drools ala Homer Simpson*

*relieved at the sight of the witch's gingerbread house* at least something in this story is right…

Mrs. Weasley: *approvingly* Cornelius did a wonderful job on the house…

Mr. Weasley: *nodding* Yes, he put a hundred house elves to work on it…

He did WHAT?!? *big sigh* Don't let Hermione know…*thinks* wait…why didn't they build a hut while they were at it…not that I'm an advocate of slave labour or anything, it's just…

Mr. Weasley: *interupting* Hermione found out…and convinced them to go on strike.

…hence the absence of Fudge?

Mr. Weasley: *nods in agreement*

*rolls eyes* Oh well, I'm just glad I've got a gingerbread house at this point…or did…*yells at Crabbe and Goyle who are starting to devour said house* GUYS, WE STILL NEED THE HOUSE! DON'T EAT IT ALL!

Crabbe: *mouth full of gumdrops and brownies* Mut mer hunry…

Goyle: *nods*

Just get in the house before it falls down….*thinks to herself* maybe we can patch up that wall…or just add another door…or two…

So Hansel and Gretel came across the gingerbread house and began to feast. They were soon interupted by the owner of the house, an evil old witch who did not care to have her house eaten away…

CUE WITCH!

*pause*

*pause*

*pause*

CRAP!!!! WHERE'S MY WITCH! WHERE'S RITA SKEETER!

Mr. Weasley: Um…she left with Cornelius after the elf fiasco…she wanted to get the full story…

*stares at Mr. Weasley then bursts into tears* I DON'T CARE ANYMORE! THIS HAS BECOME A JOKE! AAARRRGGGHHH!!! *begins to laugh hysterically* I just wanted to write a simple fairy tale…that's all…nothing too hard…was that too much to ask? *lifts her tear streaked face to the heavens* I just want to finish my story! PLEASE! SOMEONE HELP ME! (For Oscar consideration)

Mrs. Weasley: We did find another volunteer…

*looks at Mrs. Weasley* You did?!? Who? Voldemort with a feather boa? Snape in platforms? Vernon Dursley in a mini-skirt? *stops and thinks* …wait, please tell me it's not Dursley…I don't think I could handle that…*shudders*

Mr. Weasley: *retching with the thought* Oh, goodness no…nothing like that…though he's not really evil…he's just…

Gilderoy Lockhart: Hullo everyone! *beaming smile*

Oh…my…gawd…

A/N: I have no idea where this story is going…really…but it's rather fun so far, don't you think? I think it will wrap up soon…we're going to have to send the author to St. Mungo's before long…Please R/R!