I step out of the elevator when it reaches the ER, still in a daze. I can't believe what I've just done. My career is over. Pausing for only a moment, I turn and try to catch the elevator before it leaves. The doors have closed, and both elevators are heading up. Rather than wait, I go to the stairs and hurry up them as quickly as I can. Sometimes I almost forget about the crutch and the injury. But there are times like these when it's all too apparent.
I knock on the door with those carefully placed letters reading 'Jail Ward'. For a place with so much chaos going on inside at any given moment, the door is quite deceptive. It leads you to think that this is just a normal place. But it's not, and I hate to think of her working here, where nothing is certain. With these people who've done horrible things...who might do more horrible things...I can see her, and my heart leaps into my throat. She continues to clean off her desk and pretends she doesn't hear me knock. She has a tote bag and is filling it with what seems to be the remains of her belongings.
I knock louder, and she begins to enter her code to open the door. She stops before she completes it, obviously not wanting to let me in. Someone else enters the room, and promptly enters his own code to let me in. He's new to County, but he's done a few psych consults for us, and must remember me, because he doesn't think twice about letting me in.
"You don't have to do that."
"Why, Kerry? You want me to fight some more? I told you, I'm done." She didn't even look up, didn't bother to force me into the other room so we could talk privately. The man who had just entered left, knowing it would not be wise to stay.
"You don't have to do that either."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You were right, I shouldn't have tried to hide...so I'm not anymore." Her face softened a little, but not much. "I talked to Romano...screamed and threatened him might be a *little* more accurate. He's going to have to watch what he does to you from now on."
"So I'm supposed to applaud you for...nevermind. Look, I appreciate it, but I'm not wanted here."
"Yes you are! If not by Romano, then at least by me." *And isn't that enough for you?* I add silently in my own mind.
"Kerry, I...."
"You're so wonderful...you're beautiful, intelligent, and you have a real way with people..the patients open up to you so easily...we can't lose you. I can't lose you again."
"Kerry, maybe I don't want to work here anymore."
I can't even speak. I stand and look at her, trying to comprehend what she has said.
"I don't know...I like it here, or I did, but no one can seem to accept me for who I am. There's so much discrimination. It just makes me wonder if I really want to be here. But I really do appreciate you fighting for me.
"Kim, that wasn't just some favor! I did it for you...and me..because..."
"I know." She interrupted me and smiled. Oh that smile....wow..that smile..."I'm glad you did."
"So, you want to get something to eat?"
"Well, if you really got me my job back, I'm technically still on, but how about later?"
"Sure. I'll come up. When are you off?"
"2 hours. And Kerry...thanks." She reached over and gave me a small hug before pulling away to unpack her tote bag and set up her desk. I stood and watched her for a moment before turning to go back to work for the longest 2 hours of my life.
