Author's Note:

I love Lost Without you but something that always niggles at me is when Shane, after Eleanor's funeral and everyone is leaving the church, tells Oliver she just needs a minute. Why did she need a minute? I love analyzing what Shane is thinking and that simple line has had me trying to piece together her thoughts for quite a while. Also, truth be told, Shane's relationship with her dad has always intrigued me from the very beginning. Shane's emotion in the Pilot when she recounted the story of her final words to her dad struck a nerve with me. I had a dad who made mistakes. Fortunately for me, we healed our relationship and were the best of friends until his passing three years ago. I think that's why I've always been sad that Shane didn't have that with her father. I hope you all enjoy my take on this and I would love to hear if you think I'm on par with my suppositions.

Special thanks to Martha Williamson for creating these characters that have so much depth. Thank you also to my dear friend Jan for beta reading this for me and her great suggestions and encouragement.

Conversation during the walk to Oliver's church for Eleanor's funeral was focused on the search for Sandy. The week had been stressful as each of the Postables was doing whatever they could think of to solve the mystery of the errant package as quickly as possible knowing Sandy may be living on borrowed time. That coupled with the death of the much loved and respected Eleanor from passports had the mood in the DLO very contemplative and a more than a little anxious. None felt it more than Shane whose emotions had been all over the place in the last few days. She was deeply committed to their current letter mystery and had spent hours each evening wracking her brain for new approaches that might shed much needed light on their current case. At the same time she allowed herself moments of excitement at the prospect of her do-over date with Oliver. That he actually called it a date brought a smile to her face. For the first time in their fledgling relationship Shane had reason to hope they were finally moving forward.

Looking to Oliver Shane gently broached a question that had been lurking at the back of her mind the last couple of days. "It's been almost a week, I think we may be running out of time."

"Oh, have a little faith, Ms. McInerney. The answer is there. We're just not seeing it. I feel the t-shirt is still our best clue." Oliver never failed to look at the bright side even when things looked bleak.

Shane did her best to mirror his optimism. "Assume nothing?"

"Assume nothing." Oliver smiled at Shane's ready use of his mantra.

"Oliver!" Shane's head did a sharp turn at the sound of Dale's voice.

"Oh! There you are!" Oliver moved toward Shane to provide enough room for Dale to join them.

"Hi. I'm so sorry I'm late." Dale was breathless. "I had a last-minute arrest to process and it took forever."

"Oh, my goodness. Well, here you are." Shane plastered a smile on her face and looked straight ahead as Oliver and Dale carried on their conversation. In her head she was repeating to herself…" you are the one going on a date tomorrow with Oliver, not Dale."

"Yeah, any luck with your letter?" Dale asked.

Oliver responded. "Uh, nothing but dead ends."

"That's too bad." Dale sounded sincere in her response.

Oliver, again putting a positive spin on things said, "Well, it rarely happens to us, but…"

"Trust the timing." Again, Shane's head did a quick turn. She'd come to expect that mantra from Oliver but for some reason, hearing it come from Dale was akin to nails on a chalkboard.

"Trust the timing." It was bad enough to hear Dale use the phrase but hearing Oliver repeat her use of his phrase was more than Shane could handle. She turned her head away quickly. Shane knew that not only did she wear her heart on her sleeve but she wore her snark on her face and that was not something she wanted Oliver to see.

The three walked up the steps to the imposing dark wood doors that served as the entrance into the church. Shane stood as Oliver and Dale went off to join the rest of the choir. Shane's hesitation to go in apparently hadn't registered with either of them. She stood outside the church, the slow, dark, dull timbres of somber organ music coming in waves every time the doors opened and closed as friends and family of Eleanor Van Teasdale came to pay their last respects and celebrate her life. Shane wondered who'd chosen the music that seemed so opposite to Eleanor's spunky, cheerful personality. Shane knew Oliver had helped with service plans, had he chosen it? Knowing his penchant for traditional music it wouldn't surprise her if he had.

Waiting for Rita and Norman gave Shane time to dwell on the Oliver-Dale dynamic, something she often did in the quiet of her evenings at home alone. She knew she spent way too much time contemplating their relationship and what it was and what it meant to Oliver. She couldn't help herself. After Holly went back to Paris and Shane found Oliver building a porch swing for her birthday, she'd hoped they could finally move forward and explore what she thought was a mutual attraction and interest in each other. That hope plummeted after their failed Montaldo's date but her dream rose from the ashes at Oliver's admission that he believed in second chances too. His eyes had locked on hers and the seductive smile stretched across his face. The one that made her blush and her insides flip around like she was a freshman in high school and the quarterback of the football team said hi to her in the hallway. She wondered if he knew the effect the suggestive nature of his smile had on her. Their date was scheduled for tomorrow evening and Shane hoped their relationship would finally make a right turn instead of another wrong one. Until it did Shane still felt Dale could threaten any forward progress she and Oliver had made in their relationship.

Rita's voice pierced her thoughts… "I'm here, I'm here!" Feeling fortified with her friend by her side, the two women found a seat several rows from the front.

Shortly Norman joined them sitting with Rita to her left. They were busy chatting about the lack of progress finding who'd sent the package for Sandy. Their preoccupation left Shane to sit with her thoughts. Other than the night she went to Oliver's church with the misplaced Valentine, Shane hadn't stepped inside a church since she was nine years old. After her father left her mother stopped taking them to church. Shane missed Sunday School but hesitated to ask her mother about it afraid she would make her cry. Her mom had been crying a lot since dad left. One evening during a dinner of mac and cheese and chicken nuggets (her mother's go-to weeknight dinner) Shane worked up the courage to ask. She would never forget not just the look her mother gave her but her voice that tightened with a mix of irritation and sadness. "Churches are designed for families with moms and dads." That was when Shane knew her mother had given up hope of her father returning. Her mother then said that God would understand why they didn't go anymore and as long as they still had faith, that was what mattered. Shane wanted to believe that but the longer they stayed away from church the farther away God felt.

When her father died, they chose to hold the service at the funeral home. Actually, she chose to hold the service at the funeral home. In spite of their estrangement, Shane, as the older daughter, was responsible for organizing her dad's funeral and handling his estate. She didn't know whether her father had a church or any faith and she had given up on God and faith after he'd abandoned the family. Given the decisions fell on her, she was adamant there would be no church, no minister, no talk of God, redemption and all that stuff.

Shane took a deep breath as the familiar ache of regret washed over her. Her recollection of her final words to her father rang in her ears. "You have been gone so long you are dead to me already." Cringing, she lowered her head and squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to stem the tears that threatened. If she could she would take back those harsh, hateful words. But she waited too long to make amends. At what point in time did the responsibility of healing their estrangement become just as much her responsibility as his? There was so much she could have done but she didn't and so much she wished should could do over. Like Oliver, she had been convinced that her father was the one on the wrong side of her parents' divorce. Oliver's truth was that he had a biological father he never knew. Shane remembered his anguish as he grappled with the realization that he didn't have O'Toole blood but was instead a Schmidtz. In the end the revelation led to a renewed relationship between Oliver and Joe O'Toole, the father who raised him and called him son. Shane was happy for Oliver but his experience also served as a reminder to Shane that she had lost that opportunity with her own father.

Shane lifted her head looking around the church in an attempt to re-focus her thoughts to the reason they were there. During her brief visit back in February she'd stayed in the entry area. Shane could see how Oliver would be comfortable worshiping in this space. Everything about the church was solid and traditional from the heavy entry doors to the hand-worn dark wood pews that had seen hundreds if not thousands of parishioners' hands over the years grabbing the back of the pew as they rose and sat repeatedly during services. The area for worship was large with a very long aisle leading to the altar and there were chairs behind the altar for the choir. The white walls would typically create an austere ambiance but today, for Eleanor's service, candelabras were scattered throughout the sanctuary and their flickering light softened the space. The environment wasn't unlike the church she attended as a little girl along with her parents and sister, Alex. Again Shane's thoughts drifted. The McInerney family had been regular churchgoers when Shane was little. Sunday school was something she looked forward to every week and, though it wasn't her intent, the young already inquisitive Shane often stumped her teachers with her never ending litany of questions about the day's lesson. She smiled remembering how her dad would meet her outside the Sunday school room each week to ask her what she'd learned. They would walk hand in hand discussing the day's bible story on their way to meet her mother and Alex. The family would pile into their station wagon and go to IHOP for pancakes every Sunday without fail. Over pancakes and unlimited sweet maple syrup Shane would teach her family everything she'd learned in Sunday School, often better than her teachers had taught her. Sunday mornings were such a happy time for the McInerney family. Shane struggled to understand how her father, a good, kind, church going man could give it all up. Didn't believing in God protect you from the bad things in life like divorce?

Shane was brought back to the present when she saw the choir rise. Eleanor's service was simple but beautiful and the choir's harmony resonated through the church. Shane's eyes moved across the choir past the soprano with the copper tresses and came to rest on Oliver. The royal blue of his robe intensified the blueness of his eyes and at one point their eyes met and held for the briefest of moments. Shane could have spent the rest of the service studying his face but their connection was broken when Oliver shifted his eyes down to his music as the choral selection came to an end. He closed his folder and handed it to the ever present and always smiling Dale. Shane kept her eyes focused forward and did her best to keep her face void of expression while fighting a queasiness in her stomach that she noticed occurred whenever she was the third-party observing Dale and Oliver's obvious connection. The pit in Shane's stomach grew every time Dale targeted Oliver with her smile. She closed her eyes momentarily to regain control of both her emotions and her thoughts. Her eyes fluttered open when she heard Oliver clear his throat before starting his eulogy. Shane listened attentively as Oliver shared what he would miss most about Eleanor. During their time together at the USPS the two had developed an unexpected friendship that included a shared faith. Shane wondered if Eleanor wasn't somewhat of a surrogate mother for Oliver. He always spoke very highly of Eleanor and as he continued to eulogize his friend, Shane experienced another wave of regret pass over her. This one had nothing to do with her wasted years angry with her father. As she listened Shane really wished she had taken the time to know Eleanor better and felt an overwhelming sadness wash over her as she thought about her missed opportunity.

Following the service Shane, Norman and Rita waited for Oliver to join them. Shane wasn't sure how much longer her emotions could be kept in check and was thankful when she saw Oliver walking toward them. Her smile faded quickly when she saw Dale following right behind him. Was she going to be at the reception too? Shane thought if Dale was going to be there, she would prefer returning to the office versus making small talk with her at the Mailbox Grille.

"Beautiful service, wasn't it?" Oliver seemed pleased with the result of the service he'd spent the week helping to plan.

Shane knew she should say something but struggled to come up with something that didn't relay her irritation at Dale's continued presence. "Your song was… beautiful, and you harmonize so well."

Dale's response didn't set well with Shane. "Well, we've doing this for a very long time." Given her current emotional Shane interpreted Dale's emphasis on "a very long time" to "I haven't given up on Oliver yet." As her feelings continued to bubble she was on edge when Dale mentioned her current case involved a hacker and her reminder to Oliver to "discuss the thing."

Once Dale left, thankfully returning to work instead of attending Eleanor's reception, Shane turned to Oliver unable to reign in her words or her tone. "Just so you know, I intend to hack away until kingdom come if that's what it's going take to find Sandy before it's too late." Oliver's quizzical look told her she may have stepped over the line.

"Uh, Ms. McInerney the "thing" Dale wanted me to talk about was that a memorial fund has been established in Eleanor's name, she thought I should bring it up with the board of the O'Toole Foundation."

All Shane could muster was "Oh.

As Norman and Rita left the church Oliver turned to Shane. "So I will see you at the reception?"

Grabbing her purse Shane turned to back to him. "Yeah, I'm…I'll be right behind you. Uh, I just need a minute." Oliver was halfway down the aisle when he turned back to her.

"Ms. McInerney, Dale Travers is, uh…my friend." Oliver nodded to her as if to reinforce his statement.

What could she say? "Of course" sounded feeble but it was all she could manage.

Oliver's words were probably meant to reassure her but they didn't. Shane stood in front of Eleanor's picture, her bright expression staring back at her. "Oh, Eleanor, I'm so sorry I didn't spend more time with you. I think you and I could have been great friends. And if I'm honest, I wish I could know Oliver like you knew Oliver. I can't help but think you could have given me some sage advice where he's involved." Shane wiped an errant tear from her cheek. It seemed a day for her to ponder regrets. Regret that she hadn't reconciled with her father and missed out on a relationship with him. Regret that she hadn't taken Eleanor up on her ever-present offer to come up to passports and do some blending. Oliver's eulogy painted a beautiful picture of Eleanor and the woman who never met a stranger and whose door was always open to anyone who need a word of encouragement, good counsel, or a sympathetic ear.

Shane couldn't remember how long it had been since she had someone like that in her life. When her sister started gambling it consumed her mother to the point that Shane was left on her own to deal with her father's death, her failed relationship with Steve, and her sudden and unexpected transfer to Denver. What would it have been like to have a friend like Eleanor to get her through those moments when she felt so alone…especially during her first months in Denver?

Shane was still pondering all of this as she sat on the stool at the Mailbox Grille only halfheartedly listening to the discussion her three colleagues were having. Her eyes kept veering to the oversized photo of Eleanor. After sending Norman and Rita home for the weekend Oliver turned to Shane and asked "What time shall I collect you at your home tomorrow evening? I can be there by seven?"

Oliver's question brought her out of her postulations. "There's no rush, take your time."

Shane knew she should have responded more enthusiastically to Oliver's question but, as much as she'd been anticipating their date it was taking a back seat to the day's events and her thoughts.

Oliver. Why hadn't she thought of it earlier? Shane would forever regret how things ended with her father and, while Oliver and his dad were working on their relationship, she knew better than anyone that tomorrow is promised to no one. Oliver had mentioned his dad asked him to go camping with him. Oliver had turned him down because of their scheduled date. She knew the gentleman in Oliver wouldn't break their date and Shane thought he was probably relieved to have a reason to turn his father down. It was up to Shane to change Oliver's mind. She'd spent the day facing up to her regrets. She didn't want Oliver to have any of his own.

Shane grabbed her phone and pulled up her contacts hoping she still had Joe O'Toole's number programmed from when she met him months ago. Finding it and with a sigh of relief, Shane pushed the call button.

"This is Joe" came the voice on the other end.

"Mr. O'Toole, this is Shane McInerney."

"Hi Shane, is everything okay?" Joe's voice hinted his curiosity at why Shane would be calling him.

"Yes" she blurted. "I mean sort of. Oliver told me you invited him to go camping this weekend."

Shane could hear Joe snicker on the other end of the line. "I did but I think he was more than relieved that he had plans with you so he could turn me down. I know Oliver and I haven't spent a lot of time together but I get the feeling he isn't too fond of the outdoors."

Shane smiled remembering Rita and Norman's insistence that Oliver didn't like to live outside, at least not on purpose. "I think we can all agree to that but I've been thinking…Oliver may not realize it, but he can't wait to spend time with you. I'm not sure I can explain it but I just have this feeling he needs to go with you this weekend."

"I'm not sure I'm following Shane" now Joe sounded confused.

"It's a long story, we've been working on a letter this week and it's not looking too promising. I know Oliver won't stop until he solves it but I really think it's important that he goes with you this weekend." Shane was barely able to finish her sentence. "Is it too late?"

"No, I haven't left yet. I can wait for him but I forgot he probably doesn't have any camping gear."

"I have a solution for that." When Shane's dad passed, not only was she responsible for planning his service, she was also responsible for cleaning out his house and deciding what to do with his personal possessions. It had been a long, arduous process. Most of his possessions were things he'd accumulated after the divorce. There was very little that was of interest to Shane or her sister. Very little until she came across the camping equipment. Shane remembered finding it down in his basement covered in a layer of dust. Her eyes had watered as she picked it up. It may have been the dust, but it could have been the memories that came flooding back as she was sure she could smell the pungency of the forest where she and her dad spent their last camping trip. Camping was something they both loved to do and something just the two of them did together. Their last trip was a few months before he'd left them. Shane remembered it rained so she and her dad huddled inside the tent listening to the patter of raindrops on the material that acted as a barrier between them and the great outdoors. A small camp lantern illuminated the space where a travel-sized chess set was laid out between the two of them. They could spend hours playing chess. It was one of Shane's fondest memories. Her dad patiently taught her the strategy of the game and even though she was only nine, her quick mind picked it up easily and she proved a worthy opponent for her him. He pretended to be upset when he lost but Shane knew from the smile on his face that he was proud of her. The memory Shane smile. Camping with her dad was a memory she had suppressed for many years.

"Shane, are you still there?" Joe's voice came through the phone.

"I'm sorry, I'm here. I have equipment Oliver can use." Shane started piecing together the conversation she was going to have with Oliver. How was she going to get him to go? She knew Oliver. His commitment to getting Sandy's letter delivered would have him insisting he needed to stay and work on it over the weekend. She could use a divine delivery of words right about now.

"I'll wait for Oliver and Shane, thank you."

"Don't thank me yet, I still have to convince him to go with you." Shane jumped from the bar stool. She needed to hurry if she was going to pull this off.

Author's note:

We know what happens after this and I absolutely love the scene where Shane convinces Oliver to go with his dad so I didn't want to mess with a great thing. The moment Oliver calls Shane by name and she has to steady herself by grabbing the side of the table is swoon-worthy and Shane's reaction is one of my favorites in the canon.