Mother. Noun: 1, A female who has born an offspring. 2, A
female who has adopted a child or otherwise established a maternal
relationship with another person. 3, A creative or environmental
source.

I do not understand...

Why does this word trouble me?

Shinji called out 'Mother'... Does he have his own mother, or
is there one mother?

One who gives life.

Who has given me life?

Where does my life come from?

Who is my... mother?

***

A Neon Genesis/Ranma 1/2 Elseworlds Saga
By Dan Riley...

Landscape of the Soul

Chapter 3
Wandering Angels
Part 1
Closing Hearts

***

my will is crashing, synapses flashing slow
days like frame by frame, where do they go?
why fight it? forget it
can't I spend it after I go

roll them high...
throw them again...
all god's dice.
-Pearl Jam, "God's Dice"

***

mother...

where are you, mother? why did you leave? didn't you care
about me don't you care?!

are you just like father? a silent presence who doesn't care?
No. you are something else; mother, you gave me life.

I am alive.

I am

Alive!

Shinji sat up, blinking the sudden light out of his eyes. Maya
Ibuki stood looking at him from the side of his bed, holding a tray of
breakfast. The soft smell of food made Shinji's stomach growl.

"Welcome back, Shinji." Maya's smile wasn't quite as warm as
usual, and there was a note of hesitation in her manner, as though
waiting to gauge his reaction.

Shinji rubbed the back of his head. "Well... it's good to be
back, I guess. Is... is that for me?" He couldn't keep the note of
begging out of his voice.

Maya broke into a full (and somewhat relieved) smile. "Of
course. Dr. Akagi told me you'd be waking up about now, so I went to
get you some breakfast. How are you feeling?"

"Okay, I guess." He sat more fully up, taking the tray Maya
handed him and putting it over his lap. "I don't remember what
happened, though."

"What's the last thing you do remember?"

"Well... standing in the launch bay, about to go out after that
thing... the Ban'nin. My synchronization wave being off." He
frowned, trying to remember, but sighed after a moment and gave up.
"And that's it. We beat it, didn't we?"

Maya had a strange expression on her face as she looked down at
him. "Yes, you beat it."

"How though? What happened? Why can't I remember?"

Just then, Ritsuko stuck her head in the door. "Maya, I need
your help out here. Good morning, Mr. Ikari." With that, she
withdrew from the room.

Maya hurried over to the door, but paused and turned to Shinji.
"You're sure you're feeling perfectly... normal?"

Shinji frowned, confused. "Well... yes, I think so..."

Maya looked at him for a moment before nodding. "Okay. You can
go whenever you want. Commander Ikari wants to see you, when you're
feeling up to it." And she went out the door.

"My father wants to see me...?" Shinji looked at his hand.

Father...

***

"So, what's your verdict?"

"He seemed fine to me. I believe that there were not any
immediate detrimental effects on his consciousness. He doesn't
remember what happened, though."

"Hmm... that is not a good sign. Who knows what could have been
implanted in his unconscious. He'll require watching from now on."

"Are you sure that's a good idea? It could just drive him
away."

"It's necessary. We all do what we have to."

*We all do what we have to... no matter how much it costs us...*

***

The small television monitor framed a newscaster, and the room
was filled with the barely audible buzz that it produced when at very
low volume. A column of sunlight lancing from the window illuminated
marching rows of tiny specks of dust, dancing in the air.

*it doesn't get any more boring than this...*

*what the hell am I still doing here anyway?*

*god, I hate this fucking ceiling!*

Toji slammed his fist into the table next to his bed. The metal
appendage ripped through the wooden piece of furniture as though it
were made of popsicle sticks.

He held up his hand and looked at it, the morning light glinting
slightly off the dull metal. He choked out something that was half
sob, half laugh.

When Ritsuko poked her head in and asked what was wrong, Toji
could only choke his half-crying laugh.

***

Shinji stood up slowly, testing the strength of his legs. They
held. Slipping his shirt on, Shinji looked at himself in the small
mirror that stood on the nightstand next to the hospital bed,
thinking.

*what do you want with me?*

He sat down on the edge of the bed, running his hand through his
hair.

*you've never bothered calling me to your office before, never
wanted to talk with me. why now?*

*just what the hell happened, and why can't I remember it?*

The Third Ban'nin, standing there. Tall, towering above trees
and buildings. Heading towards Tokyo-3. They want us to fight that
thing? What is it...? Guardian... what does it guard?

Shinji gasped. The piece of memory had come back suddenly, like
a wall being broken down. He sat there, waiting, half-trembling, but
no more followed it.

Slowly, Shinji stood up, still trembling slightly with the force
of the memory. Sighing, he slipped his shoes on, and took a few deep
breaths to calm himself before opening the door.

Walking down the hallway of the Med. Wing, he came to the
office, where Maya sat going through some paperwork industriously.
She looked up as Shinji entered and smiled again. "So, you're feeling
alright, then? Are you going to see the Commander now?"

Shinji nodded. "No reason to put it off."

The hallways of NERV-HQ were lit perfectly by the bright,
antiseptic artificial light which was the sun for NERV employees.
Shinji walked through the hallways, his head down, deep in thought.
At one point, he passed Rei Ayanami, walking the opposite way, but
hardly noticed. She seemed even more withdrawn than he did.

Coming to the door of his father's office, Shinji hesitated for
a long moment before knocking.

"Who is it?" His father's voice, imperious and slightly
impatient.

"Uh, i-it's me, Father."

"Well, come in then."

The door opened smoothly and silently. The room was dark.
Gendo Ikari looked up at his hesitant son from some papers he was
writing on, and motioned for him to sit in a chair. Shinji sat down
slowly.

Gendo pushed his glasses up, resettling the dark lenses over his
eyes, before speaking. "Doctor Akagi tells me that you don't remember
what happened during the battle with the Third Ban'nin."

"Uh, yes. I mean, yes, I don't remember."

Settling back in his chair, the Commander folded his hands in
front of his mouth. "You don't remember anything?"

"W-well, no... I mean, not really."

"You find yourself physically healthy?"

"Well, yes. I guess so."

"You feel... normal? Have you had any thoughts which seem...
out of place lately?"

"Um... n-no, I don't think so..."

Gendo nodded behind his hands. "You are the one who defeated
the Ban'nin, Shinji. By yourself, or close enough as makes no
difference."

Shinji frowned. "W-what do you mean?"

Turning, Gendo pointed to a viewscreen that took up most of one
wall of his office. Flickering on, the screen showed a replay of
Shinji fighting Sachiel. Shinji watched, his mouth agape, as the EVA
dodged blasts of energy and the Ban'nin's long arms, then pounded it
into the ground with a gigantic blast.

"Th... that was me?"

"Yes. Quite impressive, isn't it?"

Shinji could only nod.

"Do you think you could do it again?"

He turned to look at his father. Gendo's dark face, half hidden
in shadow, was as inscrutable as ever. The dark red glasses hid any
emotions in his eyes, and his white-gloved hands hid his mouth and
expression.

"I... I don't think so..."

Gendo merely nodded.

Shinji turned back to the viewscreen, watching it frozen in the
last moment of play, a scene of his EVA plummeting down out of the sky
as it suddenly lost power.

Then something rushed back to him, with all the suddenness of
the earlier returned memory.

Shinji... Shinji, I will protect you. Rei smiling softly *rei
smiling?* brown hair she turns and walks away into the darkness I
will protect you. no. Not Rei.

"Mother," Shinji whispered softly, looking down at his hands.

"Did you say something?"

Shinji glanced up at his father. "N-no... it was nothing."

Gendo frowned and looked at him for a long moment. Finally, he
nodded. "Alright. You may go, then."

Shinji stood up and walked from his father's office.

*Mother... That was my mother's voice... my mother's voice!*

***

Asuka opened the door to the Medical Wing's office, to find Maya
sitting at her desk typing. The cheerful medical assistant looked up
and smiled at the entering girl.

"Here to see Mr. Suzuhara again?"

"Yes. How's he doing?"

Maya frowned slightly. "Physically, he's coming along nicely.
He's been having some severe mood swings, however. He should get over
it as he becomes accustomed to... what happened to him." Maya smiled
encouragingly at her, an expression that said good luck.

Asuka smiled back, thanked her, and went over to Toji's door.
She knocked, but he didn't answer. After a moment, she opened the
door and looked inside.

Toji lay with his back to her, again looking out the window.

The television buzzed silently in the corner.

"Toji..." she said softly, wondering if he was asleep.

"What?" He answered without turning.

His voice made Asuka wish he had been asleep. "I knocked, but
you didn't answer... Did I wake you up?"

"No. I didn't answer because I want to be left alone."

She went and sat on the chair next to his bed. "Why?"

"Because I don't want any red-headed morons bugging me."

Asuka flushed angrily. "So I'm a moron, huh?"

"Anything besides a moron would've figured out I wanted to be
alone when I didn't answer their knock."

Asuka lost her temper. "What the hell are you talking about? I
only came here to see how you were doing, because I care about you,
you idiot!"

"Oh, good for you, Miss Perfect! Why don't you just get the
hell out of here?!"

Asuka could barely believe what she was hearing. "What about
what you said yesterday? Was that a lie, a dream?"

"It was a lapse of judgement. Now leave."

Asuka left.

***

"Hey there, beautiful. Haven't had a chance to really say 'hi'
since I got here. Been a long time, hasn't it?"

Ritsuko smiled slightly at the arms wrapped around her from
behind. She leant back in her chair. "Why, hello, Kaji. I was
wondering when you'd get around to putting some moves on me."

"Why, my dear Doctor Akagi, I'm quite offended. After all, what
are friends supposed to do when they haven't seen each other in
years?"

"I don't know, but you probably shouldn't be doing whatever it
is right now."

"Why ever not?" Kaji leaned over to look at her, and saw her
smiling sardonically.

"Because there's a scary lady watching us." Ritsuko pointed.

Kaji turned to gaze upon the visage of Doom itself.

An aura of rage, death, and insanity hung about Misato
Katsuragi.

"Why, good morning Ritsuko," she said sweetly, and stepped out
of the door. When she slammed it shut behind her, the lock mechanism
gave a groan of protest and released a small shower of sparks.

Kaji and Ritsuko looked at each other, the blonde doctor shaking
her head.

"Oops?" Kaji said plaintively.

***

Kensuke Aida watched the sun set behind the titanic bulk of
NERV-HQ from his perch in the window-seat of a building a few blocks
away. He held binoculars to his eyes, which he used to peer intently
at the pseudo-minarets of the steel giant, and a cellular phone, which
he held with a concerted effort of his jaw and shoulder.

He sat in the main room of his loft-like apartment. He had
bought it from an amateur artist who had used it as a study, and it
still had that feel to it. It was filled with comfortable-but-not-
expensive furniture, the most distinguishing characteristic being the
computer in the corner.

"Yeah, I suppose it's doable... I still don't like the idea,
though."

//"I already knew your opinion. So, you're going to keep most
of the security systems offline, right?"//

Kensuke sighed and adjusted his glasses. "I guess, if you're
really sure about this. It shouldn't be a problem with the Throne-
level access code you gave me. You sure there's nothing I can do to
prove this is a dumb idea to you, Nabiki?"

He heard her laugh slightly over the line. //"Of course.
Thanks anyway, Aida. Remember, log in at 23:30 and have the security
down within five minutes. We'll be counting on you."//

"Okay. Just make sure you're careful; and Akane too. You know
how reckless she can be."

//"I know. Bye, Aida."//

"Bye." *Damn, I wish she'd call me Kensuke.*

He clicked off the cell phone and glanced at his wristwatch. It
read 18:23. Raising his binoculars and turning his attention back to
the inscrutable mass that was NERV, he couldn't help but sigh.

*I've got a seriously bad feeling about this.*

Focussing his binoculars in, Kensuke almost swore he could see a
person standing on the roof, but he couldn't make out any details, so
he shrugged it off after a few moments of watching.

***

Rei Ayanami stood on the roof of NERV-HQ, looking out over the
dark city as shadows stretched longer and deepened, the sign of day's
retreat before the encroaching night. The breeze blew her mane of
blue hair about, and whipped her skirt against her legs, but she
ignored both.

Gendo Ikari stood in the doorway of the stairwell which led back
down into the building, watching the distant girl.

She looked out over the railing, seeing not the city but only
the emptiness and the wind. He watched her, wrapped half in the
shadow of the doorway. Silently, he reached up and took off his red-
tinted glasses, folding them and putting them in his pocket.

"Rei."

She looked up as he approached. "Commander Ikari." She turned
back to the cold wind.

"Is something wrong?"

The girl stood silent, watching, for a long moment before she
spoke. "It is funny how you can not have anything and never realize."

Gendo only watched her.

"It is funnier how once you have something, and lose it, the
loss is worse than the lack."

She sighed, the first time Gendo had ever heard her do so.

"If I knew how to smile better, I think I would be laughing."

"Have you lost something, Rei?"

"I think so. But I'm not sure it was something I was meant to
have. Do you understand what I mean, Commander?"

"I think I might."

"May I ask you something, Commander Ikari?"

"I suppose so."

"Who gave me my name?"

If Gendo was surprised by her question, he did not show it. He
watched her silently for a long moment, then took out his glasses and
put them on.

"Your parents gave you your name."

Saying so, he turned and left the roof.

***

How did my mother talk to me? Was it really my mother?

Am I losing my mind?

The thought was not as frightful to Shinji as he supposed it
should be. He had never cared particularly about what happened to him
(or at least never believed he cared), and his sanity seemed to amount
to little more than his physical existence to him, if either amounted
to anything at all.

His mother was dead. That cold hard fact lay at the bottom of
Shinji's mind. Death was unchangeable, enigmatic, and remote. That
his mother could somehow reach through the veil separating the living
from the dead seemed unlikely. Shinji knew that it was entirely
possible that the entire encounter was a creation of his own mind, but
couldn't give himself the credit for the creativity.

So. His mother was dead, but she had spoken to him. That led
him back to square one, but with an additional question.

*How? How did she speak to me?*

Upon probing the recesses of his consciousness, he found no
ready answer. The probing only revealed another question: Why?

For most people, 'because she is my mother' would have been
enough. But Shinji couldn't allot his own existence even that modicum
of importance.

How and why, method and motive...

His mother had died when he was very young, and Shinji didn't
remember very much of her, other than short brown hair and caring
eyes. He knew she had been a scientist, that she had been part of the
research team at the South Pole at the time of the Second Impact
(shortly after giving birth to himself), and that she had died not too
long afterward, while working for NERV.

He remembered her being caring, but he supposed that it could be
idolization on his part.

*At least she couldn't be as bad as my father.*

Shinji had always wondered about his mother. He couldn't quite
bring himself to believe that he was important enough to matter to
her, but at the same time he couldn't accept that she didn't care
about him; she had brought him into the world. His paradoxical
fabricated relationship with her consisted mostly of imagining her
different than his father; he could deal with anything other than
that.

For some reason, almost every time he thought of his mother, a
faint echo came attached to the thought, an echo of Rei.

As Shinji walked through the hallways of NERV-HQ, going nowhere
in particular, he paid little attention to his surroundings. When his
father walked by, however, he snapped back into reality. He met him
just as he came out of the stairwell which lead to the roof.

As they walked by each other, Shinji blurted out a word
reflexively. It was a child's cry for help, one which for him had
always gone unanswered. "Father?"

Gendo Ikari turned to look at his son. "What is it?" His voice
was impatient.

Shinji looked at his father. He wore dark clothing, as he
usually did, and the glasses hid the emotions in his eyes. Gendo
Ikari was cold, remote, and utterly unapproachable.

Shinji failed to reach out to his father. A failure which was a
repetition of a thousand other instances in his lifetime.

"I-uh, that is... I mean... it's nothing. Sorry."

Gendo Ikari frowned at him. "Don't bother me with nonsense. If
you haven't got anything to say, keep your mouth closed."

Shinji watched as his father turned and walked away, a nameless
regret settling over him like an old blanket. After a while, he
continued down the hallway, his hands shoved deep into his pockets,
but his thoughts had been broken by the cold presence of his father.

He passed the entrance of the stairway that led to the roof
without ever really noticing.

***

Who does she think she is? she thinks that she can barge in on
me any time she wants and bug me

why won't she leave me alone?

I don't want her feeling sorry for me. I don't want anybody
feeling sorry for me, but especially not her.

Damn her! What the fuck!!

what the fuck am I...?

what's left of me? am I a man?

I shouldn't have yelled at her like that. But I'm not going to
say I'm sorry. Stuck up bitch.

I wonder if she's mad at me?

Feh. Retarded question this is Asuka I'm talking about

how mad is she, though?

fuck her if she thinks I'm going to apologize to her.

I hope she's not too mad, though.

damn I shouldn't have yelled at her I'm such a fucking moron

I can't believe I screamed at her like that oh my god she hates
me now what the hell was I thinking Asuka? I'm sorry...

No! I'm not sorry, you fucking bitch! How dare you judge me,
pity me?! What gives you the right? What

what am I talking about?

Asuka...

I can handle things on my own. I don't need an arrogant bitch
like her

I don't need

I

need

Asuka...

I need you, Asuka.

***

Kensuke pushed his rolling chair back as the clock switched to
23:30, sending it in a smooth glide across the floor to his computer,
where he halted neatly, spinning quickly to face his keyboard.

*It's time. Good luck Nabiki, Akane. Something tells me you're
going to need it.*

He logged on to the NERV database and entered the Throne-level
access code.

***

Akane grit her teeth as she crawled through the small air duct.
She was getting tired of looking at Nabiki's butt right in front of
her.

"Are you sure this was the best way to get in?" she whispered
fiercely.

"Yes, now quit complaining. The grate we're looking for is
right... aha, here we go." Akane heard a slight scrape of metal on
metal as her sister levered the grate up.

Then Nabiki slipped out of the exit, and Akane saw her hanging
by her fingertips for a moment before she let herself drop. Akane
crawled forward a little and looked down. Nabiki was inside a
bathroom stall, holding the door open enough to check outside for
people.

Akane let herself drop from the grate, careful to avoid the
toilet, and joined her sister. Nabiki stepped out into the bathroom
proper, and flashed Akane a smile. "We're in."

Akane nodded and went over to the door, her hand going to the
hilt of her synchro-blade at her side as she opened the door a crack.
The dimly-lit hallways of NERV-HQ appeared deserted.

Akane stepped out into the hallway and turned to her sister.
"So, where are we headed, 'Biki?"

Her sister took out a calculator-sized computer - her pride and
joy; the things were difficult to get unless you worked for NERV - and
checked the schematic. "It's thataway," she said, pointing.

The two set off deep into the bowels of NERV headquarters.

***

Shinji lay in bed in his apartment, looking up at his
featureless ceiling. His thoughts spun in his head as he lay there
trying to find sleep.

mother...

Rei...

father...

He remembered when he was a child his father standing looking
down at him face stern and featureless glasses opaque his father
remote inaccessible unapproachable

He remembered what he had felt when his father sent him to live
with his aunt and uncle. What he had felt when his father had sent
for him to come to NERV.

For a moment he had dared to hope that his father cared for him,
wanted him for himself. But he had only wanted a pilot.

*you got what you wanted, father. are you happy? I am a
pilot.*

he remembered his mother. he couldn't really remember what her
voice sounded like, but he had always imagined it being soft and
caring

Slowly, sleep found Shinji Ikari. he dreamt of his EVA
embracing him as all around him people turned into a formless liquid.
he felt himself assaulted, felt the barriers that made him himself
being pushed against, a pressure like a world of stone. throughout it
all a pale young man and a woman who was Rei but was not stood and
smiled. Then there were wings, and everyone rose. his father smiled
behind folded hands.

***

Shinji Ikari.

You were coming closer, but now you only drift away. I try to
get close again, but words are barriers. Communication cannot convey;
walls everywhere I cannot reach you.

Why are we separate? separateness causes loneliness; none of us
is complete in ourselves. words and thoughts and emotions imperfect
things - no other can ever know how I feel or who I am, not truly.

only through others can we find ourself, but communication is
only an imperfect reflection of inherently flawed concepts. Thus we
are never complete. Barriers of consciousness keep us from ever
touching another, knowing another.

I cannot find you, Shinji Ikari.

At first I thought that perhaps there was a way to know another.
I want to know you. But I cannot; how can I when you are not I?

But someday there will not be barriers; no you or I, only one.

Then I will not be alone.

***

The light of the glowing computer screen reflected off of
Nabiki's eyes, lending them a strange luminescence. Her fingers
danced across the keyboard as she coaxed the secrets she was looking
for out of the reticent NERV databanks.

Akane looked at her sister from her post guarding the only
entrance to the dark room - the office of some higher-up there in
NERV. "Are you almost done, Nabiki?"

Her sister entered a last command and looked up, grinning
triumphantly. "Yup, we're in. Toss me that disk we brought."

Akane flipped the diskette to Nabiki, who caught it neatly and
inserted it into the computer. The brown-haired girl sat back,
smiling satisfactorily. "Now all we have to do is wait for it to copy
and then get out of here. This was easy."

Akane fingered the edge of her synchro-blade with pressure just
under the point of breaking the skin.

***

Misato Katsuragi sat at her desk, poring over the miniature
mountain of complaints and reports that was her least-favorite duty.
She rubbed her eyes with the heel of her palm and sighed.

*Ugh. These things are always endless... Why do I have to fill
them out, anyway?*

They weren't new thoughts. She sometimes imagined going up to
Commander Ikari and throwing the stack of papers into his face. Not
that she ever would, of course.

Sitting back, Misato looked up at the ceiling of the office as
she felt the sharp tension in her shoulders. *I should finish this
stuff tomorrow.*

Standing up, she set out for her apartment.

The repetitious boredom of the endless forms left behind, her
mind wandered to subjects she'd rather it left alone.

*Dammit Kaji, what's your problem?*

When she had caught him pawing Ritsuko, jealousy had reared up
like an ugly monster. She was surprised at the fierceness of her own
emotion. *He's just as immature as he ever was. Why did he have to
come here, anyway?*

Her mind flashed incongruously to her father.

She had almost caught herself wishing that Kaji was more like
her father. At least her father had been a respectable scientist, and
not an unshaven buffoon. But, of course, that was half the reason she
had been attracted to Kaji in the first place.

She had thought that if a responsible man like her father had
been too busy with his work to bother with his family, perhaps someone
like Kaji wouldn't suffer from the same limitation. Of course, Kaji
had failings in other areas...

*The man is hopeless! He can't stop himself from flirting with
anything female within a mile radius. He's an irresponsible jerk,
that's what he is!*

Lost in her thoughts, she didn't notice she had even been
walking through the hallways of NERV-HQ until she stood before her
door.

Angrily, she opened the door and walked inside.

***

Rei Ayanami wandered the hallways of NERV-HQ, her crimson eyes
lost in deep thought. She was like a pale apparition in the dimly-lit
maze of steel.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the slight hum of a working
computer, and the soft glow of the screen, leaking out of a slightly
opened door.

Silently, she slipped inside.

***

Nabiki looked up from the percentage bar indicating the progress
of her copying just in time to see a strange girl slip into the room,
wearing a shirt with the NERV emblem on it.

Immediately, she had her pulse blaster out and was firing.

The blasts of energy from Nabiki's gun met a ripple in the air
as the blue-haired girl shot a glance like a spear at Nabiki. The
ripple continued through the air, fast as thought, and slammed into
Nabiki with the force of an eighteen-wheeler.

Nabiki was flung backwards through the air by the force of the
impact, her gun falling from her suddenly nerveless fingers. Nabiki
couldn't see it, because spots exploded in her vision as her head hit
the wall, but the strange girl appeared as surprised as she was.

Before Akane could act, the girl turned to her, her composure
recovered. Akane saw reflections of herself staring back at her from
the deep crimson eyes.

"You are intruders; you do not belong here. I am going to sound
the alarm." Her voice was soft and emotionless.

The strange red eyes pinned Akane where she was, and her
synchro-blade slipped from her hand, forgotten. The only defense she
managed to hold up against the strange gaze were a few pitiful words.

"But... but they killed our mother..."

The words caught the strange girl like a surprise blow. A
shadow of emotion flickered across her face, and her gaze turned
inward for a moment. Akane held her breath, the sense that her fate
hung upon the decision of this strange girl strong in her mind.

The red-eyed girl turned to Akane and looked at her for a long
moment, as though scrutinizing her face for signs of genuineness.
After a long moment of crimson eternity, the red eyes left Akane. She
felt drained by the experience.

The blue-haired girl walked over to the computer and stopped the
copying. She pulled the disk out and tossed it to Akane.

"Leave. Now."

Akane hurried to get her sister, who was still groggy from being
flung into the wall, and then hurried out of the room. All that time,
those red eyes never left her.

When they were back out in the hallway, making their way to the
place they had entered from, Nabiki had recovered sufficiently to be
angry.

"What the hell happened back there?"

Akane could only shake her head. "I'm not really sure." Those
crimson eyes were still watching her from deep inside her mind.

***

Rei Ayanami shut the computer down and left for her apartment.

***

Fuyutsuki stood in the dimly lit command center, alone. He
looked at the diagnostics screen showing readouts of Unit 01's status.
Although the data had been wildly erratic shortly after the incident
with the Ban'nin, the EVA had apparently returned to normal within six
minutes. Or what passed for normal with an EVA.

But he wasn't thinking about the EVA. Or at least, not
directly. His mind had wandered to a young woman with brown hair, a
former student of his. The woman who had been mostly responsible for
the creation of the EVAs, and probably the one who understood them the
most.

*Yui... Are you as gone as we thought? There is Rei of course,
but... 'A mother is the secret to the will to survive'...*

He reached out and touched the glass of the diagnostic
viewscreen.

*The EVAs... there may be unforeseen aspects to them.*

*Although, something tells me that none of this came as a
surprise to Ikari.*

***

End Part 1: Closing Hearts




Part 2: Fumbling Towards Kindness

***

"You mean I can leave?"

Maya nodded, a smile brightening her already congenial face.
"Yes, you're free to go whenever you want. I understand you've been
chafing, being cooped up in here. So now you can go. Just be careful
you don't overexert yourself for the next couple of days, and be sure
to report back here every day for a check on your progress."

Toji was a little stunned by the news. A part of him had
expected to remain trapped in NERV's Medical Wing for the remainder of
his life. After allowing it to settle in for a second, though, he
quickly stood up, tossing his blanket aside.

"Yes! I am outta here!"

Maya watched him walk out of the hospital room. She waited
until he was gone to chuckle softly.

Toji left the Medical Wing in high spirits, happy to roam in
relative freedom, even if he was still inside the sprawling hallways
of NERV-HQ. He headed straight for his apartments, looking forward to
telling Asuka the good news. He could imagine her smiling, which only
increased his good mood.

When he reached the door, however, he paused.

He had forgotten how they had last parted. She hadn't come to
visit him since he had told her that his saying he loved her was a
lapse in judgement.

He stopped with his hand raised to knock, horrified.

*Oh my god... How could I forget...?*

He had hurt her. Hurt her badly. He winced at the words he had
used - lapse in judgement. How could he be so stupid? How could he
say that to the one person in his life who meant anything to him?

*She must hate me now.*

He lowered his arm, and stared at the blank door before him for
a long moment. He didn't have any right to be coming back here.

Just as he turned to go, a voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Toji? You're out of the hospital?"

There she was. She was holding two paper bags of groceries
precariously in her slim arms, her long red hair falling in a graceful
wave down her back. He almost choked with surprise.

"A-Asuka... I, uh... yeah, I am..." *She doesn't seem mad...*

"Well, what are you waiting around out here for? Why don't you
open the door?" She flicked her head back, sending a ripple down her
cascade of hair.

Surprised, Toji nonetheless reached out and turned the doorknob,
opening it up onto his familiar apartment. Asuka walked by while he
held the door, carefully balancing her bags.

The inside was dimly lit. Asuka placed the paper bags on the
table and knuckled her back. "The store's too much of a walk...
Lights, 80%."

The lighting brightened. Toji still stood in the doorway,
watching Asuka.

"Are you going to come in?"

Toji stepped hesitantly into the apartment, letting the door
close behind him. "Aren't you angry at me? For what I said?"

Asuka nodded. "Of course I'm angry. You said things that you
shouldn't have - and what made it worse was that I never expected them
from you. But I've also been doing a lot of thinking. I understand
that you were hurt and needed to lash out, so I can forgive you.
Depending, of course, on your behavior from now on." She looked at
him expectantly. Her eyes were heated, though he couldn't tell by
what emotion, and her face was calm.

Toji felt a wash of relief. Although understanding wasn't one
of Asuka's strong points, she had taken the time to think about why he
had said what he had. It made him realize just how good a thing they
had together.

He grinned, and she smiled slightly in return. "Sounds like a
deal."

***

Nabiki took a sip of water and swallowed the pain-killers in a
quick gulp. Hopefully they would stop her head from ringing.

"Are you okay, 'Biki?" Akane asked from across the room,
sounding concerned.

"I'll be fine as soon as I get rid of this stupid headache.
Whatever that girl hit me with, it packed a wallop."

Akane nodded. "I was afraid you'd broken your neck or
something. I think the girl was one of the pilots, Rei Ayanami."

Nabiki frowned for a second. "You're right, she matches the
description. Not too many girls out there with red eyes." Nabiki
shuddered slightly, and Akane knew that her sister had not been
untouched by that crimson gaze. "Anyway, we've got to take a walk. I
want to call Kaji and Aida." They had a certain phone booth which
they used for delicate phone conversations, one which Nabiki had
painstakingly debugged.

"You haven't taken a look at what we copied from NERV yet, have
you?"

"No. It's probably encrypted, anyway. Aida's the expert with
that sort of stuff, so I was planning on handing it over to him."

Nabiki and Akane shrugged into their jackets and headed out of
the apartment. Outside, a chill breeze blew odd scraps of paper down
the dim alleyway, skittering insect-like along the concrete.

***

Shinji Ikari munched on his food where he sat alone in the NERV
HQ cafeteria. He hardly noticed what was passing through his
digestive track, the large part of his consciousness being directed
toward the thoughts running through his head.

After a long time of thoughts running in circles and generally
leading to nowhere other than where he had started, he looked up and
realized something that should have been obvious.

He was alone.

"Huh... I wonder where Rei is?"

He tried to shrug the observation off and go back to his
previous train of thought, but it had been derailed. Now that he
thought about it, ever since he had been injured - or whatever -
during the fight with the Ban'nin, she had seemed withdrawn.

*I wonder... what's going on with her?*

His mind now focused on this new thought, he stood up to go look
for Rei, leaving his dinner mostly uneaten.

***

"We may have a problem." Fuyutsuki stood in front of Gendo's
desk, looking at the younger man where he sat in his habitual
position. As Gendo made no sign of disapproval, he continued.

"Due to the unstable nature of the older process used with them,
they must be taught to maintain an utterly calm state of mind at all
times." Of course, the other man knew this - he had developed the
process. Although Fuyutsuki knew that the clones aided them in their
ultimate goal, he sometimes wondered at Gendo's true motive in their
creation; especially considering the model he had chosen. "It seems
as though the current one may be losing her mental balance. She may
be prone to cellular breakdown, or even more mundane forms of
psychological depression, perhaps leading to suicide." They both
remembered what had happened to a majority of the multitude of test
subjects.

Gendo did not move from his position behind the desk, elbows
leant upon the surface and folded hands covering his mouth. His face
didn't even flicker as he spoke. "This development was not
unforeseen. A replacement stands ready in the event of such failure."

To anyone else, Gendo Ikari would have seemed completely cold
and calculating. But Fuyutsuki caught the tiniest glimmer of emotion
in his eyes, behind the lenses of his red glasses.

"Of course. Should I inform Doctor Akagi of this possibility?"

"Yes." Gendo sat back slightly, readjusting his glasses. "You
may leave now." It was very clearly a dismissal.

Fuyutsuki nodded and left the dark office.

***

Asuka smiled, listening to Toji's breathing. She had missed the
familiar weight of his body next to her as she slept. And the sound
of his breathing. Though their relationship had always been a
tempestuous whirlwind of flaring tempers and passions, the making up
had always been wonderful.

She felt him shift slightly.

"Asuka?"

She had thought he was asleep. He sounded hesitant.

"What?" She spoke softly, almost afraid to break the intimate
quiet.

He swallowed. "I... I just wanted to tell you - jeez, I'm not
very good at this - what I mean is... well, I think you can tell that
what happened to me has changed me."

She felt him touch her bare skin with his metal hand. Although
the touch did not disgust her, the cold metal raised goosebumps on her
flesh. As if she could forget.

"I... you know how I feel about you. Or at least, how I felt
about you." He felt her stiffen, and hurried to finish. "I don't
mean that I feel any different... what I mean is that I feel as though
I might feel different. I... don't really know how to describe it.
It's like I'm still me right now, but I know that sometime soon I
might not be anymore. Do you understand?"

She didn't, but she nodded anyway, and he sighed with relief.

Toji licked his lips and continued. "So I just wanted you to
know... that I love you, Asuka. I realized how badly I needed you
when I was alone. So, no matter what happens to me, just remember.
Remember me as I am right now, remember this moment. Alright?"

She felt tears in her eyes. How could she forget this moment?
She didn't really understand what he meant, but she knew that this was
the first time he had truly opened up to her, bared his soul for her
eyes.

"I will. I'll remember, always. And I'll stay with you. No
matter what."

"Promise?" Toji couldn't keep the hint of fear from his voice.

"I do."

***

Small.

So small, but such power.

Power to send consciousness fleeing gone forever flying forever
through fields of night

smile. not a good smile a healthy smile no definitely not

can't stop smiling.

perhaps she would see the stars when this small thing sent her
flying far away she would fly among the stars forever and forget human
sadness leave behind all ties of physicality

smile

she knew that soon all would be one but she couldn't wait that
long couldn't wait because there was hurt where there shouldn't have
been hurt on the inside. But she didn't have to wait because this
small thing was the key to her door the one that would open wide and
let her free because there was no difference when you were flying far
away in fields of light and darkness

open mouth bitter taste but don't spit it out no don't do that
because this is the key. Just smile, smile and swallow.

***

Shinji stood before the door to Rei's apartment, trying to build
up the nerve to knock. It was silent and dark inside.

*This is stupid. She probably isn't even home. Just get it
over with, idiot!*

Tentatively, he reached out a hand and knocked at the door. It
sounded so timid that he doubted someone two feet away could have
heard it. Grimacing, Shinji knocked again, louder this time.

*No answer. I knew she wouldn't be home.*

He started to turn away, but something made him look at the door
again. He tried the knob, not really sure why. It was unlocked.

The door opened silently into the dark interior.

Rei was curled up on the floor, head between her knees in the
fetal position, dressed in only a button-up flannel shirt.

Shinji started. "Rei?" His words seemed to echo in the empty
darkness of the room.

He was at her side without being aware of crossing the
intervening space. He turned her over, a sense of urgency added by
the cold clamminess of her skin.

She was smiling. Not the beautiful, wistful, remote half-smile
which sometimes lit her face, making her seem like some unearthly
spirit of gentle sadness wandering the earth, like a girl made out of
air who could never be touched. No.

Her lips were stretched tight across her teeth in a caricature
of mirth, a grimace like that of a death's head. A mixture of spittle
and foam leaked from between her tightly clenched teeth.

"Oh my god, Rei!"

She was still breathing, but much too quickly, and her chest
rose and fell only slightly, as though her lungs could only hold tiny
increments of air.

Shinji stumbled to the door and out into the hall.

"Somebody help! Oh my god... please..."

***

End Part 2: Fumbling Towards Kindness

End Chapter 3: Wandering Angels


AUTHOR'S NOTES:

For those of you wondering about the scene with Rei and Gendo on
the roof, the word 'rei' translated from Japanese can mean either
'soul' or 'zero'.

I hope I didn't depress anybody with what happened at the end...
see ya next chapter! -_^

As a side note here, I would like to take this opportunity to
state that sometime in the near future I will be posting a story I
have co-authored with a good friend of mine under another pen name,
which we are going to use for our joint efforts. The pen name is Yri
Gods (anybody out there knows where that's from? ^_^). If you like my
writing, hopefully you'll take a look at it. The name of it is going
to be Omega Genesis Evangelion.

You can reach me at feithecontact@secondimpact.com.

Landscape of the Soul can be found at my website,
come.to/feithecontact.