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by Zelly Disclaimer: Not mine, blahblahblah. We've all heard the legal crap millions of times over. ^_~} No money is made off this, so please don't sue me. ;_;} You'll take all my Otakon funds away, and then I'll be sad. Warnings: angst, probably OOC… =-=-=-=-=-=-= Take one look at me. One look is all it takes, and all these words come to mind: cute, sweet, angelic, beautiful, innocent, pure…and so on. Cute? I'm disgusting. Sweet? I'm a spoiled brat. Angelic? More like demonic. Beautiful? See cute. Innocent? If you only knew what I've done. Pure? Pure is probably the one I have to laugh at the most. Innocent and angelic fall close behind. White is the colour of purity. If I were a colour, I would be red. Not bright red like the shade of red oft seen in those silly cutout hearts made in kindergarten, or in stoplights, or perhaps roses. No, more like a dark, dirty crimson…like the kind oft seen in my eyes after I've been through a fitful sleep full of tears, or in scars, or perhaps dried blood. The colour of pain, the colour of suffering, the colour of despair. I really cannot compare it to anything, because they will fall short of describing its ugliness. The way I describe myself seems to be an oxymoron, or perhaps a Catch 22, of some sort. I don't deserve to feel this way, because what has happened is indeed my fault. Whenever I cry, I constantly berate myself for acting this way, which in turn only makes me feel worse. I hate myself. Maybe suicide would free me from all this pain, but I don't even deserve that. I deserve to live through all I've done, for that is a far worse punishment than death can inflict upon me. Although I do feel sorrow for the lives I have taken, I feel anguish and despair for destroying that which is everything to me. I deserve to feel all this. Once, when we first met, you told me my eyes reminded you of the sea. Now it spills out over the edge, like a flood, to drown me in my own tears…that reminds me of the sea, too. OWARI |
