Deep Within

Deep Within

By Jen

Don't leave me alone in this pain

Don't leave me out in the rain

Come back and bring back my smile

Come and take these tears away

I need your arms to hold me now

The nights are so unkind

Unbreak my heart

Say you'll love me again

- Toni Braxton, 'Unbreak my Heart'

Prologue – 'This is My Chosen Path'

This, I can say with much certainty, is my last entry. In my own opinion I have lived a full life. In my eighteen years of living, I have known all emotions. Trust, betrayal, sorrow, happiness, love, and hatred. I have experienced it all. I have lived my life to the fullest. Born to the family of the leaders of the Oniwabanshuu, I was a ninja from my birth. After my parents, grandfather, and brother's deaths, Jiya and Aoshi-sama had tried their hardest to keep from living life as a ninja. They tried their best to help me lead a normal life. Their mission failed. At the age of sixteen, I became the okashira of the Oniwabanshuu. Declaring the one I loved more than anyone, as our enemy. Aoshi had come back to us after so long, after so much suffering. Aoshi had come back, but this wasn't my Aoshi-sama. No this Aoshi was a stranger to me. Gone is the okashira I had looked up to, the one I had grown to love. Oh yes, I love this Aoshi too. In fact I love him with all my heart. I gave up my happiness for him. But does he care? Does he thank me? Does he love me? No. He never could love. He never could smile. Not for me. Not for my sake. He loves Yuri-san. He smiles for her. He cares for her. Not me. Her. Yet I cannot hate her. Nothing I can do would make me despise her. She is a wonderful woman, kind, gentle, and beautiful. I on the other hand can never compete with her. Never can I hate her. Even if her appearance here has caused me nothing but grief.

Aoshi's rejection of my love is still fresh in my mind, the wounds have not yet healed on my heart. But every passing day it gets bigger. I began to wonder if I have become invisible. No one seems to notice my distress, the change in my attitude, or my loneliness. They are too busy. Too busy being charmed by Yuri. I've lost my only family that I have left. Jiya, Omasu, Okon, Shiro, Kuro… Aoshi-sama. I've lost them all. My existence seems to not matter anymore. They do not see me anymore. Their attention now focused on Yuri. This is the day I will do it. Nothing or no one to stop me. I have tried so many times before, but failed. I never could bring myself to do it. I am weak. I hate myself for being so weak. I have suffered the heartache of unrequited love. I can't stop loving him. Aoshi. You my first and only love, now my tormentor in this meaningless life. How I wish. With all my heart and soul. I wish I could bring back the days I smiled and the days where I was happy. Right now all I want is to have my family back. Wish I could hear mother's voice. I want to see my father's forest green eyes filled with tenderness. I want to hear grandfather's laughter at my antics. I need someone to get in trouble with. I need my older brother who always cared for me. Minna, I want to see your faces again. I just want to feel loved again.

I know that I will never experience the feeling of loving someone and having that person love me back. Never will I feel the pride of being a mother. Never will I find the simple peace in life. I am Makimachi Misao and this is the path I have chosen, and perhaps it is not the right one. I do not know nor do I care anymore.


Okashira of the Oniwabanshuu,
Makimachi Misao

Misao closed her journal, and slipped it between the shawl she wore and her kimono. She glanced at her reflection in the mirror and noticed, for the first time, that she had been weeping. Using the sleeve of her kimono, Misao wiped away the tears, and splashed cold water onto her face. Looking again in the mirror, Misao saw how much she had changed. Her face was pale, and she looked so frail. This was caused by weeks of starvation. She left the room, and heading for her destination. She passed the sweet roses of the gardens and walked under the pale moonlight. She removed her sleeve from her arm and saw all the scars from previous attempts. Of course no one had noticed them.

Finally reaching her destination, Misao opened the door of the weapon's storage area, and walked in. She walked straight to her chosen weapons. Aoshi's kodachis. What better way then to die, then from the blade of my love's weapon. My love turned tormentor. Misao slid the blades across her wrists, causing her old wounds to open up. The pain did hurt, oh yes. But it was nothing compared to how painful her life had been. Misao smiled bitterly. This is what you have done to me Aoshi. I love you. That is the way it will always be. I hate you, but I love you. I am forever chained to you. Misao's tasted her tears that were mingled with her blood. She knelt down and got ready to end her life. Sayanora minna. The skies had begun to darken. Sayonara Aoshi. Forget me for I know you will. It started to rain heavily as the heavens seemed to mourn her fate. My family, please wait for me. I'm finally going to be with you again.

She moved the deadly weapons away from her. Misao pointed Aoshi's kodachis at her heart. Ready to plunge them into the very depths of her being.

This is fate. This is my chosen path.

Misao's grip around the kodachis tightened, and she took one last breath before she used the weapons to take her own life away.


Author's Notes: What do you think? Loved it? Hated it? Tell me! Please send comments! I need them. This story is going to replace my other fic 'Of Destiny and Promises' This is totally revised and even has a new name! The story plot is now different, though there are similarities.

Disclaimers: All the Rurouni Kenshin characters do not belong to me. The story itself and the character of Yuri belong to me.