Deep Within
By
Jen
Don't leave me alone in this pain
Don't
leave me out in the rain
Come
back and bring back my smile
Come
and take these tears away
I
need your arms to hold me now
The
nights are so unkind
Unbreak
my heart
Say
you'll love me again
-
Toni Braxton, 'Unbreak my Heart'
Prologue – 'This is My Chosen Path'
This,
I can say with much certainty, is my last entry. In my own opinion I have lived
a full life. In my eighteen years of living, I have known all emotions. Trust,
betrayal, sorrow, happiness, love, and hatred. I have experienced it all. I have
lived my life to the fullest. Born to the family of the leaders of the Oniwabanshuu, I was a ninja from my birth. After my parents, grandfather, and
brother's deaths, Jiya and Aoshi-sama had tried their hardest to keep from
living life as a ninja. They tried their best to help me lead a normal life.
Their mission failed. At the age of sixteen, I became the okashira of the Oniwabanshuu. Declaring the one I loved more than anyone, as our enemy. Aoshi had
come back to us after so long, after so much suffering. Aoshi had come back, but this wasn't my Aoshi-sama. No this Aoshi was a
stranger to me. Gone is the okashira I had looked up to, the one I had grown to
love. Oh yes, I love this Aoshi too. In fact I love him with all my heart. I
gave up my happiness for him. But does he care? Does he thank me? Does he love
me? No. He never could love. He never could smile. Not for me. Not for my sake.
He loves Yuri-san. He smiles for her. He cares for her. Not me. Her. Yet I
cannot hate her. Nothing I can do would make me despise her. She is a wonderful
woman, kind, gentle, and beautiful. I on the other hand can never compete with
her. Never can I hate her. Even if her appearance here has caused me nothing but
grief.
Aoshi's
rejection of my love is still fresh in my mind, the wounds have not yet healed
on my heart. But every passing day it gets bigger. I began to wonder if I have
become invisible. No one seems to notice my distress, the change in my attitude,
or my loneliness. They are too
busy. Too busy being charmed by Yuri. I've lost my only family that I have
left. Jiya, Omasu, Okon, Shiro, Kuro… Aoshi-sama. I've lost them all. My
existence seems to not matter anymore. They do not see me anymore. Their
attention now focused on Yuri. This is the day I will do it. Nothing or no one
to stop me. I have tried so many times before, but failed. I never could bring
myself to do it. I am weak. I hate myself for being so weak. I have suffered the
heartache of unrequited love. I can't stop loving him. Aoshi. You my first and
only love, now my tormentor in this meaningless life. How I wish. With all my
heart and soul. I wish I could bring back the days I smiled and the days where I
was happy. Right now all I want is to have my family back. Wish I could hear mother's voice. I want to see my father's forest
green eyes filled with tenderness. I want to hear grandfather's laughter at my
antics. I need someone to get in trouble with. I need my older brother who
always cared for me. Minna, I want to see your faces again. I just want to feel
loved again.
I
know that I will never experience the feeling of loving someone and having that
person love me back. Never will I feel the pride of being a mother. Never will I
find the simple peace in life. I am
Makimachi Misao and this is the path I have chosen, and perhaps it is not the
right one. I do not know nor do I care anymore.
Okashira of the Oniwabanshuu,
Makimachi Misao
Misao
closed her journal, and slipped it between the shawl she wore and her kimono.
She glanced at her reflection in the mirror and noticed, for the first time,
that she had been weeping. Using the sleeve of her kimono, Misao wiped away the
tears, and splashed cold water onto her face. Looking again in the mirror, Misao
saw how much she had changed. Her face was pale, and she looked so frail. This
was caused by weeks of starvation. She left the room, and heading for her
destination. She passed the sweet roses of the gardens and walked under the pale
moonlight. She removed her sleeve from her arm and saw all the scars from
previous attempts. Of course no one had noticed them.
Finally
reaching her destination, Misao opened the door of the weapon's storage area,
and walked in. She walked straight to her chosen weapons. Aoshi's kodachis.
What better way then to die, then from the blade of my love's weapon. My love
turned tormentor. Misao slid the blades across her wrists, causing her old
wounds to open up. The pain did hurt, oh yes. But it was nothing compared to how
painful her life had been. Misao smiled bitterly. This
is what you have done to me Aoshi. I love you. That is the way it will always
be. I hate you, but I love you. I
am forever chained to you. Misao's tasted her tears that were mingled with
her blood. She knelt down and got ready to end her life. Sayanora
minna. The skies had begun to darken. Sayonara
Aoshi. Forget me for I know you will. It started to rain heavily as the
heavens seemed to mourn her fate. My
family, please wait for me. I'm finally going to be with you again.
She
moved the deadly weapons away from her. Misao pointed Aoshi's kodachis at her
heart. Ready to plunge them into the very depths of her being.
Author's
Notes: What do you think? Loved it? Hated it? Tell me! Please send comments! I
need them. This story is going to replace my other fic 'Of Destiny and
Promises' This is totally revised and even has a new name! The story plot is
now different, though there are similarities.
Disclaimers: All the Rurouni Kenshin characters do not belong to me. The story itself and the character of Yuri belong to me.
