Deep Within By

Deep Within
By: Jen

Don't wanna love you if you don't love me
Don't wanna need you when you won't need me too
Don't wanna tell you this now
But it wouldn't be right if I (If I)
Didn't tell you this tonight

-Gotta Tell You Samantha Mumba

Chapter 1- Resolutions: "What is there to Live For?"

Aoshi entered the dining area, which was filled with merry chatter and laughter. He gazed around the room and saw that everyone was there, everyone but Misao. He had just gone to ask Misao to come to dinner that night. He was really sure that no one had noticed her absence from dinner the last few weeks. In fact she had kept to herself lately, drawing herself away from the world. He was glad that she had finally given up her childish infatuation with him, and avoided him now. He knew that he had hurt her, but it was for the best. For her and him. He did not have to worry about her following him everywhere anymore and pulling all her antics on him. He frowned. Why do I keep thinking of Misao? It was true. Ever since that day he had denied her love, his mind was always on her. He did not understand it at all, so he would always ignore the thoughts. Aoshi was pulled from his reverie by his beloved's voice.

"Aoshi, where is Misao-san? Did you not ask her to come tonight?" Yuri implored as she wrapped her arms around him.

Aoshi smiled, sort of and held her closer, "Aa. Has she not come yet?"

"No. I wonder where she may be?" Yuri released him and questioned the others about Misao. They too, did not know where she was. Okina sent Omasu to get Misao. After she left, Yuri turned to Aoshi and said, "Let's tell them now."

Aoshi nodded and they got everyone's attention. Yuri smiled and began to speak. No one noticed the darkening skies and the light rain.

"Minna we have gathered you to tell you something. As you know Aoshi and I have been seeing each other for the last few months. We have decided to…"

"Okina! Okina!" Omasu's frantic voice interrupted Yuri's announcement. Everyone look up as Omasu burst through the door. She looked so pale, and she was clutching a piece of paper in her shaking hands.

"Omasu? What's wrong?" Okina was next to her, trying to calm her down.

"Mi..mi..sao." Omasu stuttered.

"What about Misao? Omasu what is wrong with Misao?" Okina was beginning to become worried too. Omasu held out the piece of paper and Okina took it, and began to read out loud.

MINNA, SAYONARA…. SAYONARA…

Misao

Just a few simple words written on paper. That was all, but it sent shivers down their spines. The rain had begun to become more violent now, and for the first time everyone noticed that it was raining. Okina rushed out of the door, leaving everyone to follow him. They searched frantically around for any signs of Misao.

Aoshi ran towards Misao's room, to look for her there, but stopped when he noticed the doors to the weapon's storage room was slightly opened. Misao? He changed directions and headed for the storage. Meanwhile, it had began to rain even harder, the dark clouds had covered up the night sky, so that not one bit of light showed through. Everyone noticed Aoshi heading for the weapons shack and followed him. One thought running through their mind. Misao you wouldn't. Kami-sama please don't let her be there.

As they neared the shack, in their minds, they heard Misao's resolved voice. This is my chosen path.

They arrived at the door and saw a trail of blood seeping from behind it. They pushed the door aside, and the site that met them made their whole world freeze. There in the middle of the room, Misao knelt in a pool of her own blood with Aoshi's kodachis at her heart. Wounds that covered her body were still bleeding. And Misao. Misao's face was covered with tears and blood. Her hands that gripped the twin blades were shaking. Suddenly before any of them had time to react, Misao took the weapon and held it straight out in front of her and brought its tip towards her body.

Aoshi stood and watched the woman before him. Misao. She was shaking from the loss of blood and the sobs that racked her body. For some unknown reason his chest twisted inside him, as he saw her plunge his weapons towards her heart…

"MISAO!" terrified cries filled the air, mixed with the rumbling thunder outside.

Misao heard her name being called and felt somebody knock the kodachi from her hands. She felt a pair of strong arms encircle her body protectively. Misao opened her eyes only to stare up into icy blue eyes that burned with anger. The tears continued to slip down her face. Misao could not take it, "Why?" It was barely audible so that only Aoshi could hear.

"Why? Why didn't you let me die?" Misao uttered those last heartbreaking words before passing out. Aoshi froze in his place after he heard her words. He did not notice when Okina took Misao from his arms. Misao's words echoed in his mind. Her voice, it seemed so crushed.

Why? Why didn't you let me die?


Okina paced wearily outside Misao's door as he waited for the doctor's report on Misao's condition. Omasu and Okon were weeping, while Shiro and Kuro wore guilty expressions. They fixed their gaze on Mei, as she came in to report on Misao. Her expression was grave as she began to speak.

"Multiple wounds on arms and legs. Weeks of self-starvation. Loss of large quantities of blood. I'm afraid that Misao is in danger of losing her life in this state."

Mei left the Oniwabanshuu, promising to come back to check on Misao in the morning. Mei's face was also streaked with tears; Misao was her closest friend, since they were young. After her departure, Aoshi and Yuri entered the room. Yuri seemed upset about the news, and Aoshi, Aoshi seemed as impassive as ever. A thought suddenly came to Okina.

"Aoshi, Yuri. Didn't you have something to tell us?" All eyes turned to the couple, Yuri, who just remembered herself looked at Aoshi, whom nodded his consent.

"We have decided to marry one another!" Yuri was smiling now, but blushed when shouts of congratulations and whistles were heard from the others.

"We should celebrate!" Okina smiled because now he had a reason to throw another party. Soon everyone, excluding Aoshi whom sat back and watched, was partying. Each person forgetting about the lonely and broken-hearted soul of the young woman who had just awoken. Not one person was heard the uncontrollable sobs of a broken woman.


Misao awoke from the peace and warmth of her dreams only to come back to the harsh reality. She was conscious of the fact that Mei was bandaging her wounds, but her mind was somewhere else. She did not even notice Mei's departure. Why had Aoshi saved her? Perhaps he does care for me. Even just a little? Misao thought, her spirits returned just a bit. Comforting thoughts continued to run through her mind as Misao stood up and walked to her door. She placed a hand on the frame ready to slide the door open. Ready to go back to the way her life had been before.

"Yes! Of course! Aoshi and I have decided to marry!"

Misao let her hand fall back to her side, as the other hand clutched the fabric of her kimono, at the area her heart was. Did you really think that they would love you again if you try to kill yourself? Do you really think that he would love you?

Misao berated herself. Her words stung her, as the truth in them was finally apparent to her. Misao heard the noises of a party coming from the other side of the door. My home. My family. My life has been taken away from me before my own eyes. What is there to life for? Misao sadly realized that there was nothing for her here anymore. Everything she had ever cared for, loved for, and lived for was now gone. She could never have them back. She walked to her mirror and looked at herself once more. The scars were now more visible and were bleeding badly through the white cloth. Her face was colorless in the moonlight, and her black hair was loose from their usual braid, only to hang limply around her. Her once vibrant eyes were now dull and red from weeping too much. Misao broke down and her body wracked with tears. She cried until her heart finally gave out and shattered to pieces beyond repair. She cried until it was too much to bear and the tears would not come anymore. Misao knelt and said a small prayer to the heavens for the much-needed strength.

Why am I doing this to myself? I'm killing myself so slowly. Why?

Misao splashed cold water on her face and used her hands to wipe away the last traces of her tears left on her face. She then began to slap her face gently trying to get the color to come back into her face. She slipped quietly to the bathing area to wash herself.

I have to move on. Start over. This is the only way to save myself.

Misao brushed her long hair until it was shiny again. She then took one of her kunai and held her hair in place. With one quick swipe of the small blade, Misao cut her hair.

This is the only way. This unrequited love hurts so much. The only way…

Misao's hair now hung a little past her shoulders. Misao opened her closet and looked around for what she had hidden long ago. She found the chest, and used the key she wore on a chain around her neck, to open it. When the chest opened, it revealed to her, treasures she had kept. Treasures that she had locked away, for the pain was too much to bear. Misao fingered the silky material of her mother's favorite kimono, and handled the beautiful golden combs and jewelry. She removed her mother's possessions from the chest and packed it into her satchel. Underneath them, she found some of her brother's old clothing, and beneath all her possessions, she found an old portrait. Misao's hand moved carefully on the picture, tracing the outlines of her family.

My family. Please wherever you are, onegai... watch over me.

She closed her eyes taking a deep breath before continuing to undress herself. The cold night air sent shivers down her body. She threw aside her ninja outfit, and dressed herself in her brother's old clothing. Looking at herself in the mirror and she added an old hat to her attire.

Two years, I have wasted on this unrequited love. Hoping, wishing, and never receiving.

With every inch she moved, with every amount of strength she used, the strain on her mind, heart, and body increased agonizingly. Misao sat at her desk write a letter to the others. Folding the letter and placing it on top of her folded futon with her ninja outfit and strands of hair, she looked around her room and sighed. She jumped from her windowsill carefully landing on the soft ground. She ran swiftly through the Aoiya gardens and through the gates. She ran further away before stopping to look back.

She took one last look at the place she once called home and said goodbye, knowing that she would never return to this place again. She pulled the ragged coat around her petite frame in a vain effort to warm herself from the iciness of the falling rain and howling wind.

Sayonara, minna-san. Sayonara, forever.

She moved as quick as she could because of her lack of energy. She needed to be far enough, so that if they followed her they would not be able to find her so easily. But they won't. Misao thought miserably. They wouldn't care. No one cares anymore. I'm alone. As the Aoiya disappeared from her view, Misao's mind wondered back to her earlier question.

"What is there to live for?"


Author's Notes: Oh No! Everyone is totally OOC! Well that's it for this chapter. No, Misao didn't kill herself. That wouldn't be right. I need my main character in this fic; she can't go around killing herself. Besides, this story is more of a Misao fic.

About Misao cutting her hair and dressing in male clothing. That was her disguise so that no one would recognize her. She is still weak from her lack of blood so she isn't moving as fast as she normally would, so the disguise could help her blend in with the crowd.

Now comes the important part: FEEDBACK! Did you like it? Hate it? Any suggestions to improve the fic?? I really need to know that there are people actually reading this!

Standard Disclaimers Apply. Rurouni Kenshin and its characters do not belong to me. This story is solely written for entertainment purposes.