Deep Within By Jen

Deep Within
By Jen

It's not easy
Trying to understand
How the world can be so cold
Stealing the souls of man
Cloudy skies rain down
On all your dreams
You wrestle with the fear and doubt
Sometimes it's hard, but you gotta believe
There's a better place

-There Will Come a Day Faith Hill

Chapter 3- Journey's Start: 'Losses and Beginnings'

"Kuso, where am I?" Misao wandered aimlessly around the forest. She walked forward onto the path. This seems familiar. She heard a thunder far in the distant and ran to take cover under a large tree, just as it began to rain. She slumped to the ground against the tree and muttered. "Just my luck."

She watched the rain for a few minutes. It's so stormy, not even one strand of sunlight. Misao lay her head against the tree. Just like my heart. It is so weakened. No more love can get through to touch it. NO! Misao shook her head furiously. No! I won't remember. I can't remember. I just want to forget. Please…. But then the events still washed themselves over her, like icy cold water, causing her body to shiver. She tried to keep the memories back, but she had not enough strength. So she brought her knees closer to herself, hoping to protect her heart from the familiar pain. Her head dropped to her bent knees as the memories flashed through her mind. One by one they came. There was no mercy. She saw every single detail replayed in her head. From her conversation with Aoshi to the moment he saved her. Slumber took her body over as she curled beneath the tree, closing her eyes. Then came the voices echoing incessantly, taunting her.

I don't love you.

----------

Yuri-san?

Hai. She's Okina's friend's daughter.

-----------

Jiya? Jiya can you help me?

Sumen, Misao. I'm going to give Yuri a tour of Kyoto. Ja ne.

Jiya…?

----------

Omasu! Okon! Let's go to the market together, ne?

Ah gomen, Misao-chan. Demo…Yuri-san is taking us shopping today… you can come if you wa-

Never mind. I understand. Ja ne.

-----------

Shiro! Kuro! Do you want to train with me today?

Ehh? Misao-chan. Of cours—

Shiro-kun! Kuro-kun! Can you please help me fix this door?

Hai! Coming Yuri-san.

Gomen nasai, Misao. We have to go now.

-------------

Misao?! What's wrong? Are you feeling all right?

Daijobou, Mei. Daijobou.

Misao…

-----------

Ohayo Misao-san!

Ohayo, Yuri-san. I hope I'm not disturbing you. It's early and I just wanted to bring you some fresh blankets.

Arigatou. I was going to ask for some today.

Yuri?

Aoshi-sama!? //but this is Yuri's room…Aoshi-sama…I've lost you, haven't I? //

Misao.

Misao-san! Are you alright? You seem ill.

//Misao no baka! Don't let them see you cry.//

Aoshi-sama. Yuri-san. Gomen, demo…. I have to go visit Mei. Sayonara.

--------------

Misao?! Misao, tell me what's wrong?!

I've lost him. Mei, I lost him forever.

Misao.

--------------

Aoshi and I have decided to marry one another!

------------

I've lost him. He's lost to me, forever.

------------

Misao's eyes snapped open as she felt the oh so familiar twinge of heartache. He's lost to me, forever. It swallowed her whole, as it spread throughout her body. Forever…. She gasped for air; her breathing became increasingly irregular. Forever…. Misao wanted to let herself succumb to the welcoming darkness that had begun to surround her. But something was keeping her from doing so.

'Misao. Will you do something for me?'

'I want you to go with your brother. Promise me that you will live, and grow older. Promise me that you will move on into the future, but never forget your past. Promise me that you will be happy.'

'Hai otousan.'

"Otousan!" Misao's eyes snapped open and a faint wailing reached her ears. She looked around and found a bird stranded on one of the branches. Poor thing.

Misao picked herself off of the ground and leaned against the tree for support. She began to carefully climb the tree until she reached the stranded bird. It looked like it was a young hawk. It shivered under her touch as she gently held it in her hands. Misao climbed back down the tree. The storm raged on as she sheltered herself and the bird. Misao used one of her kunai to tear a piece of cloth from her coat and dried the wet bird with it. Misao cradled the bird, unconsciously keeping it warm as her mind slipped back to those painful memories.

"So much. I have so much in common with this little bird." The bird began to cry again and that was when Misao noticed its wing was hurt. She grabbed a nearby twig and used her kunai to cut it to the right length.

"I can understand your pain."

The bird stopped its crying and watched her, as if it could understand her distressing words.

"I can understand how it feels to be alone. Knowing that no one cares for you. To know that if you leave... when you die...no one would miss you…it hurts."

Misao took the piece of cloth, which she had torn from her coat and began to wrap the wing and the twig.

"It makes you want to kill yourself. To end your pain because you already know that you are slowly dying."

Misao stopped tending to the bird's wound for a moment and looks down at her own self- inflicted wounds. The cloth that covered her injuries was covered with crimson blood. Wounds that still made her weak and hurt her greatly, but she didn't care. The pain was nothing compared to the agony she was feeling inside. Her voice was distant as she went back to tending to the bird.

"You feel so lost. Not sure of what to do next. One minute you have the most wonderful life and then the next you don't know what the future holds for you in this meaningless life. It hurts so much. It feels as if you're drowning and you just can't come up for air. You're trapped. Suffocated. No one around to hear your cries. No one to help you… No one to care..."

Misao finished the bird's wounds and again sheltered it from the raging storm. She shivered as a harsh wind swept through the trees, bringing with it the ice-cold rain. She huddled against the tree seeking any warmth. Anything. Just as long as she didn't have to feel cold anymore. She was tired of the iciness that had taken over her body not so long ago. The bird whined fearfully at the sudden rush of coldness that came from Misao's body. Misao looked at it intently and a hollow laugh escaped her lips. "Gomen nasai. I didn't mean for you to feel the cold."

Suddenly a memory surfaced. What? Misao saw herself and someone. Someone with red hair sitting under a tree that sheltered them from the rain. Himura? She was telling him all about her beloved Aoshi-sama. Her heart jumped as it finally dawned on her. This was the exact same tree she and Himura were sitting that day two years ago. Back then she was on a mission. On a journey to find her much worshiped okashira and friends.

"And I did find him, didn't I?" Misao stared out into the distant. "I found him. Yes, I did."

She saw images of her own childhood. There was Hannya and Aoshi trying to teach her a kicking technique.

"I found him, but not them. Not them."

Ghostly reflections appeared in front of her. Misao felt a longing in her as she reached out her hand to touch them. They disappeared in her grasp as she frantically tried to capture the illusions with her hands, failing miserably.

"Hannya… Hyotokotto… Beshimi… Shikijou…my best friends. I lost you forever. Just like I lost Aoshi-sama."

The bird watched Misao intently. "I found Aoshi-sama…. iie…. That wasn't Aoshi-sama. My Aoshi-sama is dead."

"I would have never thought…never dreamed… that the first time I would see Aoshi after so long…he would be on the other side. I never would have imagined that I would declare him the enemy."

I never want to see your face again.

"The first thing he says to me. The first thing he did… was trying to kill my Jiya."

// Misao watched in horror as Okina fell to the ground blood splattering everywhere. She looked up at Aoshi, whom sheathed his kodachis. He walked away from her again. Her heart cried out, trying to make sense of the situation. Why? Why did you betray us? Betray me? //

"How could he? After I searched…after all my time…he left me. So that he could get the title of the 'strongest'. He caused my tears to come. And after his return…all I did was weep for him. Now…now I'm just so very tired…so very cold. A part of me wants me to weep, but I can't. My tears are all dried up."

The wind became increasingly stronger, blowing harder than before, the rain fell harshly on the ground, and the storm released all its anger. Misao found herself unable to feel the awful winds that had sent chills through the small bird. Her body was too numb… numb with grief… numb with the pains that she had experienced so early. Before Misao, the storm died as quickly as it came.

"No more. I will not do this anymore." Misao stood up and looked at the bird in her hand. "Little one, do you want to come with me?"

The bird let out a cry of approval, and once again Misao was on a new path. She took one last glance at the tree.

"Two years ago, Misao wandered the earth to find her beloved friends."

She looked away and walked off into the open road.

"Now Ryuuen will go on a journey to find himself and peace of mind."

That was the day when Makimachi Misao disappeared, and Ryuuen came forth to take her place.


The crisp morning breeze blew the branches of the now dead trees, taking with it a trail of leaves. The breeze fluttered across the face of a lone traveler as the foliage surrounded him.

******************
Cool breeze and autumn leaves
Slow motion daylight
******************

The figure remained motionless as his eyes strayed to the sky where he saw a bird circling in the air. They were alert of their surroundings as they continued to travel the lonely trail.

********************
A lone pair of watchful eyes
Oversee the living
********************

The person's hood fell back to reveal a pair of cold icy blue eyes that scanned the area around him.

******************
Feel the presence all around
A tortured soul
A wound unhealing
******************

The few months of solitude had done nothing to help him. The pain still never left him and was constantly hounding him. He had not found one amount of peace in all his journeying around aimlessly. Barely noticed, on his arms old wounds could still be seen, on his heart old wounds that have yet showed any signs of healing.

***************
No regrets or promises
The past is gone
***************


A flicker of the person he used to be appeared. An image of a woman flashed before his eyes. She had long braided hair and a spirited laughter that echoed tauntingly through his ears. He shook his head to disperse the memory. He had not regretted any of his decisions.

**************
But you can still be free
If time will set you free
**************

A song entered his mind. His brother had taught him a song, such a wonderful song. It was a depressing song, but some how it gave him strength.


****************
Time now to spread your wings
To take to flight
***************

The male watched his bird fly gracefully through the skies, and he wished for a moment that he could fly. Fly and be free.

***************
The life endeavor
Aim for the burning sun
***************

He laughed but there was no humor present, only bitterness. Such silly things had ceased to enter his mind. Him, flying? Impossible.

**************
You're trapped inside
But you can still be free
**************

But the heart still ached for the freedom. To be able to forget the past.

*******************
If time will set you free
But it's a long long way to go
*******************

Perhaps one day. One day he could be as free as his bird was. Free like he once was, but he knew. He knew that it would be long before his heart and mind would forget…could forget.

*****************
Keep moving way up high
You see the light
It shines forever
*****************

He neared a small village and entered it. He looked at all the stands of food and items that were for sale.

*****************
Sail through the crimson skies
The purest light
The light that sets you free
*****************

He saw an old woman trying to carry a heavy package and immediately helped her.

The woman looked at him and smiled. "Thank you, young man."

He nodded. "Where to?"

She led the way back to her house.

******************
If time will set you free
Sail through the wind and rain tonight
You're free to fly tonight
******************

They entered her cottage and he set the package down and turned to leave.

The old woman called out. "Matte. What is your name? I am called Rin"

The young male seemed reluctant to answer her.

*******************
And you can still be free
If time will set you free
And going higher than mountain tops
*******************

"Please? I must know your name. I want to thank you so much for helping me. I want to repay you."

"It is nothing, Rin-san. I was merely helping you carry a package."

"Demo… it is. I have never met such a kind young man. The ones in this town are arrogant and worry only about money. So please tell me your name."

***************
And go high the wind won't stop
And go high
Free to fly tonight
Free to fly tonight
*******************

"Is that so? Then my name is Mi- Ryuuen. My name is Ryuuen." He smiled as she thanked him once more and left. That was the last time the woman ever saw him. In the near future she would meet someone so much like him, only that someone was to be a woman…


Author's Notes: Well, minna here's Ch. 3. I actually had this out for a while, but that's ok. It might not have lived up to your expectations, gomen. This is only the rough draft, I might revise it a little later. More chapters should come out soon, unless I decide to take another break… -_-

I love the song 'You Can Still Be Free.' I thought that it kind of described Misao in my story, ne? This chapter takes place a week after Misao left the Aoiya…. and the last part is two months after she disappeared from the Aoiya. Ok now…Feedback. Loved it? Hated it? Send comments! Flame me! Just let me know someone is actually reading it.


Preview of next chapter…sorta…

Ryuuen continues his travels. Meets new people and discover something.

Back to the Oniwabanshuu. What do they think about all of this?

What does Yuri think? Does Aoshi care? I'll stop rambling now…^_^;;