Deep Within

Deep Within
By Jen

There you are
In a darkened room
And you're all alone
Looking out the window
Your heart is cold and lost the will to love
Like a broken arrow
Here I stand in the shadows
Come to me, Come to me
Can't you see that
Nobody wants to be lonely

- Nobody Wants to be Lonely Ricky Martin

Chapter 4a- Reflections I: Realizations of Guilt

"Okina, you should go get some rest."

Omasu gently chided the old man. She helped him up, and led him to his room. She made sure he was settled in his futon before she left. Omasu sighed. She knew that he would not rest, just stare blankly at the ceiling. They would sometimes find him in Misao's room in the morning just staring at nothing outside her window. That's the way it had been since Misao's disappearance… Omasu clutched her heart as tears sprang up into her eyes. Misao's departure from their lives had hit them hard. Omasu knew that everyone felt guilty. How could they not? They had basically forgotten Misao since Yuri's appearance.

After Misao left, he had begun to look ill and void of any life. He no longer was the hentai old man he used to be, instead his old age finally showed through. Guilt was always written on his face. In fact, guilt was written on everyone's face. Everything and everyone in the Aoiya seemed lifeless. They had no idea where Misao was. Or if she was still alive for that matter.

Ironic, wasn't it? The one person that they all loved and care for… was just thrown into the background and forgotten. And how they all missed her, now that she had left them…perhaps forever. Her contemplating was interrupted when she heard Okon's voice. "How is he?"

"I don't know." Omasu was saddened. "I just don't know anymore."

Okon nodded and the two stood in silence.

"Okon?"

"Hai?"

"How could we? How did we forget about Misao-chan so easily?" It was the question that ran through everyone's mind in the past months.

"Imagine it, Okon. Just imagine it. How much Misao needed us, but all we could think about was how terribly sweet and beautiful Yuri-san was."

"Hai. I didn't even notice how much she had drawn to herself. All those days she would stay in her room. How she would skip lunch… or sometimes it was dinner. Or all the days she wouldn't eat or drink for days."

"…" Omasu was crying again. Her heart was aching so badly. I wonder… is this how you felt Misao? Did we bring you to this pain?


Okina stared at the ceiling in his room after Omasu left. He heard voices in his head. They haunted him, and he knew he couldn't sleep. No, with the nightmares haunting him. He couldn't sleep until he knew that his angel Misao was safe. It was three months since she left, but in so little time everyone's life had changed. They received notice from the Himuras that Misao had not yet arrived in Tokyo, and they immediately replied. But, that was two months ago, and their friends have not written back. They would have assumed Misao had safely arrived, but they knew better. They had alerted every Oniwabansu post in Japan to look for Misao, and report back to them when she was found. So far no one had seen any traces of her. Okina knew that Mei had taken it upon herself to search for Misao. She was always there for Misao, even when everyone else was too blind to see the girl's pain. All those times he should have comforted his angel, Mei was there for her. How could I have been so selfish? Why didn't I see her suffering?

Ever since her attempted suicide and her departure, he wondered why he had been so blind to not see her distress. How could he not see her pain? It was true. None of them had thought of Misao after Yuri had moved into the Aoiya with them. Yuri was elegant, well mannered, and beautiful. She was his friend's daughter. He had promised to take care of her after his friend had died. She was charming and had them under her spell. They had grown fond of her in such a short time. Especially Aoshi.

They had forgotten Misao's beauty, her kindness, and her determination. They had not known how much she had given up so that they could be safe and happy. They could not see because they were too blind. Too busy getting to know Yuri better to even notice Misao. No wonder she had tried to kill herself. Only then did they open their eyes to see what they had done to their little one. Fear had gripped each of their hearts that night. And what did they do while she was lying in bed slowly dying? They had a party to celebrate Yuri and Aoshi's engagement. None of them were aware of the fact that she had awakened to hear their cheers. Again no one was aware of her pain as she wept.

Yes, he had promised to care for Yuri, but what of his other promises? Especially to his former okashira, his best friend, Misao's grandfather.

'Okina, please protect her.'

'Hiroshi-sama?'

'Misao. If something ever happens to me, protect her. Her innocence, her smiles… just protect everything about her. Can you promise me that?'

'Uh…hai. Demo, why are you asking me of this now?'

'Something is going to happen soon. She will be saddened greatly and for some reason I know that I will not be there for her. I need you and Aoshi to watch over her and protect her.'

'Aa. We will.'

'Okina. You know that we, the Oniwabanshuu, live hard lives. Because of this war we see bloodshed everyday. We are sometimes the cause of that bloodshed. You know as well as I do that the purpose of the Oniwabanshuu is to protect Kyoto and to gain a peace in this city. Is that not right?'

'Aa.'

'I often hope that Misao will be able to grow up in such a place. That she will not have to train to become a ninja. Promise me that, if possible, you will keep her from the life of an Oniwabanshuu. For, the only way to really protect her is to keep her from having to become a ninja.'

'Hai. I promise with my life.'

'Thank you, my friend.'

Three days later Misao lost her grandfather and brother. One year later, Misao began her training as an omnitsu . Still ten years later, Misao became the okashira of the Oniwabanshuu.

Okina's gaze dropped from the ceiling. My friend, I have broken my vows. Sumanai.

He then got up from his futon and left his room. He did not know where he was going until he found himself in Misao's room, the voices followed him everywhere.


He saw a ghostly figure of a sleeping Misao at the age of five as she began screaming. He saw a younger version of himself enter her room. He watched as Misao continued to scream, and was by her side quickly. He lay a comforting hand on her shoulder as she whimpered in her sleep. She begins to mutter something incoherent in her deep slumber. "Iie! Leave otousan alone. Oniichan we have to help him! One…gai."

Okina gazed at the girl, shocked. Was she dreaming about her father's death?

"Ojiisan?! Iie! Iie! Don't leave me! Please not you too! Ojjisan!"

Misao's screams filled the air again as she awoke from her nightmares. Okina rubbed her arm gently trying to get her to calm down. Eventually it worked and she opened her eyes. "Ojiisan?"

"Gomen nasai, Misao. I'm not your ojiisan. Demo… I can be your pretend ojiisan from now on." Okina spoke softly trying to soothe the frightened child. Misao stopped weeping. "Honto?"

"Aa."

"Arigatou….Jiya." Misao wrapped her arms around him. Okina was surprised. He barely did anything, and yet this child was comforted so easily. I will keep my promise to you Hiroshi. To you and Misao.

The ghosts faded away, and he saw Misao standing in their place. She looked drained and blood covered her body. In her, he once again saw Misaka on her deathbed. She stood with tears in her eyes as he tried to reach out to her. But every time he did so, Misao moved further away from him. Finally he was able to reach her, and as he lay a gentle hand on her face, the illusion faded, leaving him empty and alone.

One word escaped his lips before Okina fell into another nightmarish sleep. "Misao."


Yuri did not know how long she was watching Aoshi sleep. Perhaps a few minutes, or maybe it was an hour? She wasn't really sure. Misao's disappearance had triggered the guilt in all of them. When Yuri had first met Misao, she thought her to be a very lovely young woman. The more she got to know her, the more Yuri liked her. Misao was like a younger sister, she never had. She could not understand why Misao had tried to kill herself. She had everything. She was pretty, smart, and a very skilled ninja. She had a nice family in the Oniwabanshuu. She was the okashira of the Oniwabanshuu. So what caused her to go over the edge and try to commit suicide? It was something Yuri would never understand. She thought of everything Misao had and how wonderful her life was. Yuri sighed and soon fell asleep, wondering what possibly could have caused Misao to leave her life behind. The only thing Yuri didn't think about was what Misao didn't have. And that was love. Misao didn't have the love she desired and needed.


Aoshi's eyes snapped open. What?! He was aware of Yuri lying next to him and that it was still dark outside and that the sun would rise soon. He tried to fall asleep again, but found that he could not. He got up and dressed himself. He left the room silently as to not awaken Yuri. He walked the familiar path to the temple to begin his morning meditations. After a few moments of attempting to clear his mind, but failing, he finally decided to figure out what was disturbing him so. Was it because of Misao's disappearance? That was probably it. He was confused. Ever since she left, all he could think of was Misao.

Even if he did not show it, he felt guilty about what happened. He regretted the way he had unfeeling broken Misao's heart and had left her to her misery without giving her any explanations for his cruelty. He had hardly spoken to her because he was spending all his time with Yuri. He didn't even notice that she had stop bringing him tea. It probably seemed that he did not care about what happened to her. Didn't care if she died. If she disappeared. Yes, it would seem that way because if he had ever said anything to her, it was to criticize her skills as a leader. He had neglected her for so long, but yet she still loved him. Why? Why when all he did was hurt her?

Aoshi knew that he was the cause of Misao's suicide attempt and was also the reason that she refused to ever see any of them again. A part of his heart yearned for her. Why? Why does he feel so empty without her there by his side? Why? When he has Yuri. He loved Yuri, did he not? That was why he was marrying her. Yet, all he could think about now was Misao's tears. He could only see her holding his kodachis to her heart. He could only see his weapons stained with her blood. His hands stained with her blood and the blood of his loyal companions, her best friends. He simply could not imagine never seeing her again.

Then Aoshi begin to meditate to try to rid himself of the images. A soft voice of the past made him open his eyes. As he saw a younger version of himself holding little Misao close to his heart as they headed back to the Aoiya after their afternoon walk.

'Aoshi-sama! Does Misao-chan make you happy?'

'Aa. Misao-chan makes Aoshi-sama very happy.'

'Ne, Aoshi-sama. I love you always. Misao-chan will always love her Aoshi-sama!'

'Aa. Aoshi-sama will always love his little Misao-chan.'

'Aoshi-sama?'

'Yes Misao?'

'When you leave, will you tell me?'

'Yes, Misao.'

'You won't leave me alone ever? You promise?'

'I promise.'

The ghosts faded and before him he could see Misao. Blood stained her kimono and wounds covered her body. Her face was covered with tears, and she held his kodachis, which were blemished with crimson. Her blood. She had a haunting smile on her face, as her voice reached his ears. She cried out accusingly, her eyes were cold as she reprimanded him.

'Why? Why didn't you let me die?'

Aoshi reached out a hand to her.

'You didn't keep your promise Aoshi-SAMA! You left me alone. Misao-chan was so lonely. It feels so cold.'

Misao's smile turned mocking as she held the kodachis to her heart.

'Misao-chan will die now. That will make Aoshi-sama happy, ne?'

Aoshi tried to move, but something was holding him back. He saw Yuri calling out to him for help as a mysterious person held a blade to her throat. Misao was about to strike herself down. He had to choose and fast. His mind commanded him to go to Yuri, but something in the back of his heart screamed to him, beseeching him to save Misao. He listened to his mind and ran to Yuri just as she vanished from view. The hooded man that had been threatening Yuri pointed to the scene behind him. Aoshi froze and before him, Misao plunged the blades into her heart. Aoshi rushed forward and held her dying body in his arms. She smiled ruefully at him, and he shivered at the coldness the smile held.

'Ne, Aoshi-sama. You are happy now? Ne? Ne? You made Misao-chan very sad. You did this to your little angel. You destroyed me, and all I wanted was your happiness. Why did you have to save me? Death was merciful. You did this to me. Aoshi-sama, Misao-chan isn't happy anymore.'

Misao coughed up more blood as a shaky laughter escaped her lips. Her laughter void of any humor but filled with defeat and bitterness that he had never guessed she could hold. For any unknown reasons, he felt the light in his life become dimmer and dimmer as the darkness of the abyss began to spread over him again. He stared at Misao, as she tried to say something. He leaned forward so that he might hear her words.

'What's the truth? To be honest… Aoshi-sama hates Misao-chan… I knew all along...'

Aoshi flinched. "Misao-"

Misao interrupted him coughing up more blood as the tears began to form once more and in her last breath,

'Iie…Mi..mi..sao..chan hates… Aoshi…sama.'

Her eyes closed and death took her. He still heard her voice. Misao-chan hates Aoshi-sama. Those words him like daggers to his heart and it made him think. Why did he suddenly feel part of him dying with Misao? Misao…

The illusion of Misao faded, but the blood. Her blood still stained his hands. He heard her voice, and the faint thumping of pain in the deepest caverns of his heart.

Misao-chan hates Aoshi-sama.

Yes, that was had become of the two of them. He had driven the most important person in his life to hate him, but why didn't he feel any remorse? Yes, he didn't feel anything. He heard a voice and smiled when he saw Yuri at the door. He approached her and caressed her cheeks before kissing her.

Misao-chan hates Aoshi-sama.

Yes, and then…. What? …. Then nothing.

Can it really mean that much anymore?


Mei fingered the small figurine in her hand. It was Misao's favorite one. The figurine reminded Mei of Misao. A female ninja garbed in all blue and black, with raven hair. Misao had told her once that her mother had given it to her when she was a baby. It was before they had found the hidden poison in her veins. Mei remembered the first time she had met Misao. Misao had been sitting by herself under a Sakura tree weeping, and Mei had just happened to find her. Mei had just moved to Kyoto with her family, and had no friends to speak of. Mei had asked Misao why she was crying. Misao responded that some people very special to her had left her behind. Mei felt sorry for her and they began to talk. Soon Misao's spirit returned to her, and she was laughing with Mei. The two girls ran back to the Aoiya together, but on the way Mei had accidentally collided with a boy that was two years older than both of them. The boy had tried to strike her, but Misao had blocked her and took the hit for her. Misao stood up to the bully. Mei had watched in awe as Misao kicked the bully as he lunged towards them. Her foot hit his stomach causing him to fall back. Mei smiled, that was when they were only eight years old.

Since that day the two were inseparable. They trained together everyday, and Misao helped her in her studies to become a doctor. She had tried to follow Misao when she was told that Misao had left home in search of Aoshi. Mei was furious. Why did Misao care so much for the man that had abandoned her? That was when she had been told about Misao's past. About her mother's death. About witnessing her father's death. About how she lost everyone she ever loved. In the two years Aoshi had come back, Misao talked about nothing but making him smile. Mei had known Misao was suffering, and it pained her to see Misao's forced smiles. No, the person Misao had become was a shadow of the one Mei had grown up with. Whenever they got together to go shopping or train, Mei could sense the sadness surrounding her friend. Mei had never liked Shinomori that much. She blamed him for everything Misao went through. She blamed him for Misao's disappearance. But of course he was not to take all the blame. It was all of their faults. After they received word that Misao had not arrived in Tokyo, Mei had became worried and searched for Misao. She was angry with the other Oniwabanshuu for not doing so too. She searched for weeks and came back to Kyoto for rest before leaving on another search.

She came to the Aoiya again to try and convince them to search for Misao. Of course they refused. She couldn't understand why. She knew they all cared for Misao. She knew how much Misao's absence had been hurting each and every one of them.

So here she sat underneath a tree gazing into her campfire. She sighed wistfully at the memories that had surfaced. Before she fell asleep, Mei beseeched the night skies, "Misao, where are you?"


Author's Notes: Hmm… I really don't like this chapter. It was weird. I wrote it for the character building, you know? But there's one part I kinda like. It's the part with Aoshi. I must admit that was weird, but still. In this chapter, Aoshi is struggling with his feelings about Misao's absence. His guilt becomes so great and those images of Misao came. He doesn't understand why his heart his yearning for Misao when he was in love with Yuri. Poor him. So simple, yet so complex to him. Poor Aoshi.

(Think Sixth Sense)

Aoshi: I see… missing people.

Me: yeah…*sweatdrop* …right…


Preview of next Chapter…sorta…

Misao…errr…a I mean someone else reflects and comes to a quick decision.

Maybe some more of Aoshi….heh heh… and he's going to think about Misao and someone very close to the both of them.