Deep Within
By Jen
There you are
In a darkened room
And you're all alone
Looking out the window
Your heart is cold and lost the will to love
Like a broken arrow
Here I stand in the shadows
Come to me, Come to me
Can't you see that
Nobody wants to be lonely
- Nobody Wants to be Lonely Ricky Martin
Chapter 4a- Reflections I: Realizations of Guilt
"Okina, you should go
get some rest."
Omasu
gently chided the old man. She helped him up, and led him to his room. She made
sure he was settled in his futon before she left. Omasu sighed. She knew that he
would not rest, just stare blankly at the ceiling. They would sometimes find him
in Misao's room in the morning just staring at nothing outside her window.
That's the way it had been since Misao's disappearance… Omasu clutched her
heart as tears sprang up into her eyes. Misao's departure from their lives had
hit them hard. Omasu knew that everyone felt guilty. How could they not? They
had basically forgotten Misao since Yuri's appearance.
After Misao
left, he had begun to look ill and void of any life. He no longer was the hentai
old man he used to be, instead his old age finally showed through. Guilt was
always written on his face. In fact, guilt was written on everyone's face.
Everything and everyone in the Aoiya seemed lifeless. They had no idea where
Misao was. Or if she was still alive for that matter.
Ironic,
wasn't it? The one person that they all loved and care for… was just thrown
into the background and forgotten. And how they all missed her, now that she had
left them…perhaps forever. Her contemplating was interrupted when she heard
Okon's voice. "How is he?"
"I don't know."
Omasu was saddened. "I just don't know anymore."
Okon nodded and the two
stood in silence.
"Okon?"
"Hai?"
"How could we? How did
we forget about Misao-chan so easily?" It was the question that ran through
everyone's mind in the past months.
"Imagine it, Okon. Just
imagine it. How much Misao needed us, but all we could think about was how
terribly sweet and beautiful Yuri-san was."
"Hai. I didn't even
notice how much she had drawn to herself. All those days she would stay in her
room. How she would skip lunch… or sometimes it was dinner. Or all the days
she wouldn't eat or drink for days."
"…" Omasu was
crying again. Her heart was aching so badly. I
wonder… is this how you felt Misao? Did we bring you to this pain?
Okina stared at the ceiling in his room after Omasu
left. He heard voices in his head. They haunted him, and he knew he couldn't
sleep. No, with the nightmares haunting him. He couldn't sleep until he knew
that his angel Misao was safe. It was three months since she left, but in so
little time everyone's life had changed. They received notice from the Himuras
that Misao had not yet arrived in Tokyo, and they immediately replied. But, that
was two months ago, and their friends have not written back. They would have
assumed Misao had safely arrived, but they knew better. They had alerted every
Oniwabansu post in Japan to look for Misao, and report back to them when she was
found. So far no one had seen any traces of her. Okina knew that Mei had taken
it upon herself to search for Misao. She was always there for Misao, even when
everyone else was too blind to see the girl's pain. All those times he should
have comforted his angel, Mei was there for her. How could I have been so selfish? Why didn't I see her suffering?
Ever
since her attempted suicide and her departure, he wondered why he had been so
blind to not see her distress. How could he not see her pain? It was true. None
of them had thought of Misao after Yuri had moved into the Aoiya with them. Yuri
was elegant, well mannered, and beautiful. She was his friend's daughter. He
had promised to take care of her after his friend had died. She was charming and had them under her spell. They had grown fond of her
in such a short time. Especially Aoshi.
They
had forgotten Misao's beauty, her kindness, and her determination. They had
not known how much she had given up so that they could be safe and happy. They
could not see because they were too blind. Too busy getting to know Yuri better
to even notice Misao. No wonder she had tried to kill herself. Only then did
they open their eyes to see what they had done to their little one. Fear had
gripped each of their hearts that night. And what did they do while she was
lying in bed slowly dying? They had a party to celebrate Yuri and Aoshi's
engagement. None of them were aware of the fact that she had awakened to hear
their cheers. Again no one was aware of her pain as she wept.
Yes,
he had promised to care for Yuri, but what of his other promises? Especially to
his former okashira, his best friend, Misao's grandfather.
'Okina,
please protect her.'
'Hiroshi-sama?'
'Misao.
If something ever happens to me, protect her. Her innocence, her smiles… just
protect everything about her. Can you promise me that?'
'Uh…hai.
Demo, why are you asking me of this now?'
'Something
is going to happen soon. She will be saddened greatly and for some reason I know
that I will not be there for her. I need you and Aoshi to watch over her and
protect her.'
'Aa.
We will.'
'Okina.
You know that we, the Oniwabanshuu, live hard lives. Because of this war we see
bloodshed everyday. We are sometimes the cause of that bloodshed. You know as
well as I do that the purpose of the Oniwabanshuu is to protect Kyoto and to
gain a peace in this city. Is that not right?'
'Aa.'
'I
often hope that Misao will be able to grow up in such a place. That she will not
have to train to become a ninja. Promise me that, if possible, you will keep her
from the life of an Oniwabanshuu. For, the only way to really protect her is to
keep her from having to become a ninja.'
'Hai.
I promise with my life.'
'Thank
you, my friend.'
Three days later Misao
lost her grandfather and brother. One year later, Misao began her training as an
omnitsu . Still ten years later, Misao
became the okashira of the Oniwabanshuu.
Okina's gaze dropped
from the ceiling. My friend, I have broken
my vows. Sumanai.
He then got up from his
futon and left his room. He did not know where he was going until he found
himself in Misao's room, the voices followed him everywhere.
He
saw a ghostly figure of a sleeping Misao at the age of five as she began
screaming. He saw a younger version of himself enter her room. He watched as
Misao continued to scream, and was by her side quickly. He lay a comforting hand
on her shoulder as she whimpered in her sleep. She begins to mutter something
incoherent in her deep slumber. "Iie! Leave otousan alone. Oniichan we have to
help him! One…gai."
Okina gazed at the girl,
shocked. Was she dreaming about her father's death?
"Ojiisan?! Iie! Iie!
Don't leave me! Please not you too! Ojjisan!"
Misao's screams filled
the air again as she awoke from her nightmares. Okina rubbed her arm gently
trying to get her to calm down. Eventually it worked and she opened her eyes.
"Ojiisan?"
"Gomen nasai, Misao.
I'm not your ojiisan. Demo… I can be your pretend ojiisan from now on."
Okina spoke softly trying to soothe the frightened child. Misao stopped weeping.
"Honto?"
"Aa."
"Arigatou….Jiya."
Misao wrapped her arms around him. Okina was surprised. He barely did anything,
and yet this child was comforted so easily.
I will keep my promise to you Hiroshi. To you and Misao.
The ghosts faded away,
and he saw Misao standing in their place. She looked drained and blood covered
her body. In her, he once again saw Misaka on her deathbed. She stood with tears
in her eyes as he tried to reach out to her. But every time he did so, Misao
moved further away from him. Finally he was able to reach her, and as he lay a
gentle hand on her face, the illusion faded, leaving him empty and alone.
One word escaped his lips
before Okina fell into another nightmarish sleep. "Misao."
Yuri did not know how
long she was watching Aoshi sleep. Perhaps a few minutes, or maybe it was an
hour? She wasn't really sure. Misao's disappearance had triggered the guilt
in all of them. When Yuri had first met Misao, she thought her to be a very
lovely young woman. The more she got to know her, the more Yuri liked her. Misao
was like a younger sister, she never had. She could not understand why Misao had
tried to kill herself. She had everything. She was pretty, smart, and a very
skilled ninja. She had a nice family in the Oniwabanshuu. She was the okashira
of the Oniwabanshuu. So what caused her to go over the edge and try to commit
suicide? It was something Yuri would never understand. She thought of everything
Misao had and how wonderful her life was. Yuri sighed and soon fell asleep,
wondering what possibly could have caused Misao to leave her life behind. The
only thing Yuri didn't think about was what Misao didn't have. And that was
love. Misao didn't have the love she desired and needed.
Aoshi's
eyes snapped open. What?! He was aware
of Yuri lying next to him and that it was still dark outside and that the sun
would rise soon. He tried to fall asleep again, but found that he could not. He
got up and dressed himself. He left the room silently as to not awaken Yuri. He
walked the familiar path to the temple to begin his morning meditations. After a
few moments of attempting to clear his mind, but failing, he finally decided to
figure out what was disturbing him so. Was it because of Misao's
disappearance? That was probably it. He was confused. Ever since she left, all
he could think of was Misao.
Even if he did
not show it, he felt guilty about what happened. He regretted the way he had
unfeeling broken Misao's heart and had left her to her misery without giving
her any explanations for his cruelty. He had hardly spoken to her because he was
spending all his time with Yuri. He didn't even notice that she had stop
bringing him tea. It probably seemed that he did not care about what happened to
her. Didn't care if she died. If she disappeared. Yes, it would seem that way
because if he had ever said anything to her, it was to criticize her skills as a
leader. He had neglected her for so long, but yet she still loved him. Why? Why
when all he did was hurt her?
Aoshi
knew that he was the cause of Misao's suicide attempt and was also the reason
that she refused to ever see any of them again. A part of his heart yearned for
her. Why? Why does he feel so empty without her there by his side? Why? When he
has Yuri. He loved Yuri, did he not? That was why he was marrying her. Yet, all
he could think about now was Misao's tears. He could only see her holding his
kodachis to her heart. He could only see his weapons stained with her blood. His
hands stained with her blood and the blood of his loyal companions, her best
friends. He simply could not
imagine never seeing her again.
Then Aoshi begin to
meditate to try to rid himself of the images. A soft voice of the past made him
open his eyes. As he saw a younger version of himself holding little Misao close
to his heart as they headed back to the Aoiya after their afternoon walk.
'Aoshi-sama!
Does Misao-chan make you happy?'
'Aa.
Misao-chan makes Aoshi-sama very happy.'
'Ne,
Aoshi-sama. I love you always. Misao-chan will always love her Aoshi-sama!'
'Aa.
Aoshi-sama will always love his little Misao-chan.'
'Aoshi-sama?'
'Yes
Misao?'
'When
you leave, will you tell me?'
'Yes,
Misao.'
'You
won't leave me alone ever? You promise?'
'I
promise.'
The ghosts faded and
before him he could see Misao. Blood stained her kimono and wounds covered her
body. Her face was covered with tears, and she held his kodachis, which were
blemished with crimson. Her blood. She had a haunting smile on her face, as her
voice reached his ears. She cried out accusingly, her eyes were cold as she
reprimanded him.
'Why?
Why didn't you let me die?'
Aoshi reached out a hand
to her.
'You
didn't keep your promise Aoshi-SAMA! You left me alone. Misao-chan was so
lonely. It feels so cold.'
Misao's smile turned
mocking as she held the kodachis to her heart.
'Misao-chan
will die now. That will make Aoshi-sama happy, ne?'
Aoshi tried to move, but
something was holding him back. He saw Yuri calling out to him for help as a
mysterious person held a blade to her throat. Misao was about to strike herself
down. He had to choose and fast. His mind commanded him to go to Yuri, but
something in the back of his heart screamed to him, beseeching him to save
Misao. He listened to his mind and ran to Yuri just as she vanished from view.
The hooded man that had been threatening Yuri pointed to the scene behind him.
Aoshi froze and before him, Misao plunged the blades into her heart. Aoshi
rushed forward and held her dying body in his arms. She smiled ruefully at him,
and he shivered at the coldness the smile held.
'Ne, Aoshi-sama. You are happy now? Ne? Ne? You made
Misao-chan very sad. You did this to your little angel. You destroyed me, and
all I wanted was your happiness. Why did you have to save me? Death was
merciful. You did this to me. Aoshi-sama, Misao-chan isn't happy anymore.'
Misao coughed up more
blood as a shaky laughter escaped her lips. Her laughter void of any humor but
filled with defeat and bitterness that he had never guessed she could hold. For
any unknown reasons, he felt the light in his life become dimmer and dimmer as
the darkness of the abyss began to spread over him again. He stared at Misao, as
she tried to say something. He leaned forward so that he might hear her words.
Aoshi flinched.
"Misao-"
Misao interrupted him
coughing up more blood as the tears began to form once more and in her last
breath,
'Iie…Mi..mi..sao..chan hates… Aoshi…sama.'
Her eyes closed and death
took her. He still heard her voice. Misao-chan
hates Aoshi-sama. Those words him like daggers to his heart and it made him
think. Why did he suddenly feel part of him dying with Misao? Misao…
The illusion of Misao
faded, but the blood. Her blood still stained his hands. He heard her voice, and
the faint thumping of pain in the deepest caverns of his heart.
Misao-chan
hates Aoshi-sama.
Yes, that was had become
of the two of them. He had driven the most important person in his life to hate
him, but why didn't he feel any remorse? Yes, he didn't feel anything. He
heard a voice and smiled when he saw Yuri at the door. He approached her and
caressed her cheeks before kissing her.
Misao-chan
hates Aoshi-sama.
Yes, and then…. What?
…. Then nothing.
Can it really mean that
much anymore?
Mei
fingered the small figurine in her hand. It was Misao's favorite one. The
figurine reminded Mei of Misao. A female ninja garbed in all blue and black,
with raven hair. Misao had told her once that her mother had given it to her
when she was a baby. It was before they had found the hidden poison in her
veins. Mei remembered the first time she had met Misao. Misao had been sitting
by herself under a Sakura tree weeping, and Mei had just happened to find her.
Mei had just moved to Kyoto with her family, and had no friends to speak of. Mei
had asked Misao why she was crying. Misao responded that some people very
special to her had left her behind. Mei felt sorry for her and they began to
talk. Soon Misao's spirit returned to her, and she was laughing with Mei. The
two girls ran back to the Aoiya together, but on the way Mei had accidentally
collided with a boy that was two years older than both of them. The boy had
tried to strike her, but Misao had blocked her and took the hit for her. Misao
stood up to the bully. Mei had watched in awe as Misao kicked the bully as he
lunged towards them. Her foot hit his stomach causing him to fall back. Mei
smiled, that was when they were only eight years old.
Since
that day the two were inseparable. They trained together everyday, and Misao
helped her in her studies to become a doctor. She had tried to follow Misao when
she was told that Misao had left home in search of Aoshi. Mei was furious. Why
did Misao care so much for the man that had abandoned her? That was when she had
been told about Misao's past. About her mother's death. About witnessing her
father's death. About how she lost everyone she ever loved. In the two years
Aoshi had come back, Misao talked about nothing but making him smile. Mei had
known Misao was suffering, and it pained her to see Misao's forced smiles. No,
the person Misao had become was a shadow of the one Mei had grown up with.
Whenever they got together to go shopping or train, Mei could sense the sadness
surrounding her friend. Mei had never liked Shinomori that much. She blamed him
for everything Misao went through. She blamed him for Misao's disappearance.
But of course he was not to take all the blame. It was all of their faults.
After they received word that Misao had not arrived in Tokyo, Mei had became
worried and searched for Misao. She was angry with the other Oniwabanshuu for
not doing so too. She searched for weeks and came back to Kyoto for rest before
leaving on another search.
She came to the Aoiya
again to try and convince them to search for Misao. Of course they refused. She
couldn't understand why. She knew they all cared for Misao. She knew how much
Misao's absence had been hurting each and every one of them.
So here she sat
underneath a tree gazing into her campfire. She sighed wistfully at the memories
that had surfaced. Before she fell asleep, Mei beseeched the night skies,
"Misao, where are you?"
Author's Notes: Hmm… I really don't like this chapter. It was weird. I wrote it for the character building, you know? But there's one part I kinda like. It's the part with Aoshi. I must admit that was weird, but still. In this chapter, Aoshi is struggling with his feelings about Misao's absence. His guilt becomes so great and those images of Misao came. He doesn't understand why his heart his yearning for Misao when he was in love with Yuri. Poor him. So simple, yet so complex to him. Poor Aoshi.
(Think Sixth Sense)
Aoshi: I see… missing people.
Me: yeah…*sweatdrop* …right…
Preview of next Chapter…sorta…
Misao…errr…a I mean someone else reflects and comes
to a quick decision.
Maybe some more of Aoshi….heh heh… and he's going
to think about Misao and someone very close to the both of them.
