Deep Within

Deep Within
By Jen

For a long time I was in love
Not only in love, I was obsessed
With a friendship that no one else could touch
It didn't work out, I'm covered in shells
And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all I needed was a simple man
So I could be a wife
-Simple Kind of Life
No Doubt

Chapter 7: A Love That Cease To Be: 'Time will help my heart learn to forget.'

Misao could hear Mei's voice… and the rest of the Kenshin-gumi's voices too. Walking towards the voices made the darkness disappear into a soft glowing light. Blinking Misao opened her eyes. Where am I?


"After Misao came home from Tokyo two years ago with Aoshi-san, nothing changed. Misao served him his tea faithfully every morning. She tried everything to make him smile. After a while, he began to talk to her. They became friends in a way. She talked; he listened and answered sometimes. It was a very big improvement, but for Misao it wasn't enough. Her love for him was strong and was becoming stronger each day that passed. Finally she decided to talk to him about their relationship. She finally got the nerves to voice her feelings to him, but he had become distant to her lately and she was afraid. She came to me for advice. I never liked Aoshi-san and always wondered why she had loved him. I asked her this. And what she told me…"


"Mei? What do you think I should do? Mei? Hello?" Misao waved her hands in front of Mei's face. "Are you in there?"

Mei came out of her reverie. "Hai. Misao why do you love Aoshi-san so much?"

Misao was taken back by the question, but the answer came from her heart. "Because of the way he makes me feel whenever I'm around him. The way my heart flutters when he speaks with me. The chill in my spine when I feel him watching me… Because I love him so much, and somewhere in my heart, I know that we are meant to be together. It didn't happen over night. I've always loved him; the feeling just grew over the years and makes me feel complete. I don't know what it would be like if I didn't love him. It wouldn't make sense because everyone knows that Misao will always love Aoshi…"


It will always be that way… Misao loves Aoshi…. Aoshi doesn't love Misao. Misao thought bitterly as she listened to the rest of Mei's narration. From the time Aoshi had brought her back to Kyoto to her suicide attempt. Misao found herself going through it all over again. How many times would she have to feel this pain before it would leave her be?


"… after rejecting her love… Aoshi became closer to a woman that had moved into the Aoiya permanently. He grew to love her, as did everyone else… Misao seemed to be forgotten… pushed to the background. On the night they announced their engagement, Omasu found a suicidal note in Misao's room. They found her in the weapon's storage area. She was cutting herself with Aoshi-san's kodachis and came close to killing herself completely by stabbing herself with the blades… but… Aoshi…he saved her… that night, Misao disappeared. I don't know why she did… but she left. For the past months, I have been looking for her… but I couldn't find her until now."


Mei… you were looking for me? Gomen nasai… gomen for making you worry. Misao apologized to her best friend, her heart crying out.


"So Misao tried to kill herself because Shinomori-san didn't love her?"

"Iie. That's not all. She was suffering so much. She lost everything in the past two years. No one saw her misery. She wouldn't talk to me about it… and I'm afraid that Misao will never be the same again.

Sano punched his fist angrily. "This is all Shinomori's fault. He didn't even care that she tried to kill herself. The next time I see that fucking icicle, I'm going to pound his face in for what he did to he-"

"IIE!"

Everyone turned back to see Misao leaning heavily against the doorframe. "Iie." She repeated. "It wasn't his fault. It was mine. It was my fault for loving him."

"Misao!"

"Misao-chan!"

"Misao-dono!"

Mei and Kaoru rushed to help their weak friend, but Misao pushed their hands away. She looked at them square in the eyes. "You can't… you shouldn't blame Aoshi for what happened… it wasn't his fault… he didn't ask me to love him… I did it out of my own free will. He didn't chain me to him and make me his slave. I did it all… it was all my fault…"

Misao stopped before she began to cough up blood and fell to the floor. Kenshin reached out and caught her before she could hit the cold hard floor. He held her against him as the rest crowded around him.

"… it's not his fault…that he didn't love me…"

"Misao…"

"Never blame him! Blame me! I deserve it. I was such a fool… a fool for believing that he would ever love me…"

Kaoru took Misao from Kenshin's arms. "Misao-chan…"

Misao huddled closer to Kaoru, not wanting to feel the iciness that had followed her. "I'm such a fool… a fool … to ever believe… a fool…"


Mei and Kaoru nodded their head in agreement and walked into Misao's room. They were surprised to find her already up and writing in something. Mei recognized it to be her journal. "Misao?"

Misao looked up startled and quickly closed her journal. "Hai?"

Mei and Kaoru exchanged looks. It had been a week since Misao had awoken. She was still feverish, but was recovering slowly. She spent her days in her room, barely eating anything unless she was forced to. Sometimes they would find her sitting on the rail outside her room staring out into the distant as if waiting for something…. Or someone. Her actions worried them, but they kept quiet and let her deal have her space. Today they decided that it would be best for Misao, if they went shopping.

"Misao, come to the market with us today."

Misao made a movement to reject their offer, but saw the looks on their faces and sighed before agreeing. "Hai."

As they walked along, Mei and Kaoru bought many things. Misao just followed them ignoring all the men who stared at her admiringly. She was once again wearing a ninja outfit that Mei had made for her.

Mei turned around and tried to make conversation with Misao. "Ne, Misao. Isn't this fun?"

"Hai."

"Just like old times, ne?"

"…hai."

"Did you find anything that you liked?"

"No."

Mei frowned at Misao's one-word answers. "Misao? Daijobou?"

"Iie. It's nothing. Ne, let's go look over there."

Misao walked off without getting Mei's answer. Mei watched her sadly. Misao no longer had a spring in her movements, instead they were slow and steady… so unlike Misao. But Misao was unlike herself right now. Misao didn't say a word for the rest of the time and went straight to her room when they got back.

"We should talk to her." Megumi came up behind the two women and they all nodded. "We really should…"


"Asuko!? Where are you?!" Kaoru went about searching for her daughter, wondering where she could have gotten off. She had been in every room in the dojo… every room, but Misao's. She walked over to her door and opened it gently. She was surprised to see Misao holding a sniffling Asuko.

"What happened?" Kaoru rushed over to their side.

"She tripped coming into my room and hurt her knee. I was just singing to her to calm her down." Misao calmly said as Megumi and Mei came into the room.

"Misao-neesan's song was so pretty! Demo… it was so sad… Misao-neesan are you sad?" Asuko's innocent question took Misao by surprise, but she lowered her head. "Hai."

"Why?"

"Because… because…"

"Asuko, it's time for bed. Go find otousan and get him to tuck you in. Misao-neesan needs to rest." Kaoru gently ordered her daughter.

"Hai!"

Misao did not notice Asuko's departure as she began to spoke. "…Because of love."

Mei's eyes widened slightly. Love?

"Perhaps you wonder what I mean by love? Picture this pain. It hurts so greatly. It feels as if many knives are piercing themselves into your very being. You wonder if something can come in and take away the hurt and pain. There is such a thing. It's strong and once you find it, you never want to let go of it. It spreads through you, leaving behind a warm feeling in your heart."

Aoshi-sama? Next time, we'll come to Tokyo together, ne?

…Aa.

"Love. Love gets you through the rough times. Love helps you survive. To love and be loved. It is such a wonderful, refreshing feeling. It is so wonderful, and makes you want to share it with someone. Love transforms you. You are beautiful because your face and being glows with happiness and love. It makes you believe you can take on the world, just as long as you are together with that special someone."

Kaoru thought of her wedding day. How happy she was! How she felt like she could take on anything.

"It just happens so suddenly. You can never plan love or when it will come over you. It just happens. It is what makes you feel complete inside. And you would do anything to protect that feeling of peacefulness."

It didn't happen over night. I've always loved him; the feeling just grew over the years and makes me feel complete.

"But there is something that could come in and break all that peace. Unrequited love. To know that you love someone with all your heart, body, and soul, and yet they still refuse you. You give them your heart and they refuse to return your feelings. You find out that, the special person, the one who had stolen your heart, loves someone else. Never you. No matter how much you want to believe or hope. It will never be you."

I gave up my happiness for him. But does he care? Does he thank me? Does he love me? No. He never could love. He never could smile. Not for me. Not for my sake. He loves Yuri-san. He smiles for her. He cares for her. Not me. Her.

"With unrequited love comes the all too familiar sense of heartache. It washes itself over you, trapping you in its cruel game of love. Unrequited love destroys your whole existence. Your soul sinks deeper and deeper into the darkness. It leaves you barren, empty, and weak. You are dying, but there is no one who cares or wants to care."

Could this have really happened to you? Misao… Mei gazed at her friend, who was gazing at the crescent moon.

"Then after a while, you feel a sense of longing. A desire that could never be fulfilled. You want more than anything to just take your life away. To escape the pain that had come back to haunt you. The urge becomes so great that you do try to take your life away, but you are stopped right at the moment. Saved by none other than the person who had became your tormenter in this horrible game of love."

Why? Why didn't you let me die?

"So you run away. Hoping to forget, wanting to forget. But the memories persist. For you can never forget. You can never erase the past. No matter how hard or how far you run, the memories will always be there at your side, in your heart. You can only look towards the future. No matter how gloomy. Living when you are already condemned is not living at all."

Is it really to late? Gomen nasai, Misao-chan… Kaoru wanted to go and hold Misao to tell her that she was there for her.

"Love leaves scars on your body and heart. Scars that will disappear overtime but never fully heal. Love is like a distant dream. Fading in one's life. Love is a dream that one can never have."

Misao's eyes never left the glowing moon as it basked it light upon her sorrowful form.


"To make matters worse, you can't erase the memories of your love. It stays in you heart. You find that no matter what; you are chained to the one that you love more than anything. Chained to the one person who could be your life or be your death."

He didn't chain me to him make me his slave. I did it all… it was all my fault…"

"So you do the only thing that you can do. You bury all your emotions deep in your heart's chambers. In a place where they can never hurt you again. Build a barrier of ice around your heart. So that it may be protected. And you want to release all the pain through the familiar wetness of tears. But you can't. You find that you can't anymore. The tears just won't come. They won't."

Misao's eyes traveled to her listeners. The women had tears in their eyes from their friend's words. For the first time since her arrival, everyone could see her soul. For now her eyes gave them the passageway to her soul. Her beautiful blue eyes glowed with such sadness. Still no tears appeared in her eyes. Misao looked around at everyone's face. They were watching her silently with rueful expressions. Misao lowered her head and spoke the words that harbored in her heart for many months. "Love is wonderful and beautiful, but it can also destroy… that is why I have decided to give up. I have given up my love for Aoshi… that is the only way for me to be able to heal."

"Demo… Misao-chan… you still love him."

"Even so, I know that eventually…time will help my heart learn to forget."

"Misao…"

"Ah! Daijobou Kaoru! Misao-chan will learn to love again over time, like she said." Megumi interrupted her friend's next sentence.

Misao turned away from the window and walked to the railing and leaned against it, staring at the moon. Oniichan, please help me start over. Give me strength. "Iie, Megumi-san. I don't want to love again."

"Nani?!"

"I can't trust myself to love anymore. I can't trust my heart to love."

I can't trust my heart to love. Okaasan, did you ever feel this way? Onegai, watch over me.


Misao looked up from writing in her journal and her gaze rested just outside her window. She could hear the sounds of someone grunting and punching objects. She grabbed her shawl and wrapped it around her sleeping yukata, and stepped away from her room. She walked silently in the shadows until she reached the front of the dojo. She was surprised to see the boy Yu practicing some moves that looked like Sano's. He must be teaching the kid some techniques. She continued to watch, amazed at the boy's silent and quick motions. Perfect for a ninja. She mused. Perhaps I should teach him some kenpou. Misao decided to test Yu and launched herself in a silent-kicking move. Yu sensed someone behind him and barely managed to dodge the person's movements.

He continued to dodge, unable to fight back. After a while his opponent stopped and landed in front of him. His eyes widened when he saw who was attacking him. "Wha-?"

"Sanosuke is teaching you how to fight isn't he?" Her soft voice filled his ears.

"Hai."

"Can you handle two fighting styles at one time?"

"Nani?"

"You would make a perfect ninja."

"Eh?" Eyes narrowed in confusion.

"Do you want to learn the Oniwabanshuu fighting technique, kenpou?"

"Hai!"

"I will teach you then, but you can't give up your lessons with Sano. He is your first teacher and I, your second. Can you handle both?"

"…"

Misao waited patiently for him to answer. "Hai."

"Good. We will begin tomorrow."


Author's Notes: Boring angst, that's what this is. Are you crying?! Don't be! There's a lot more angst coming up soon! Loved it? Hated it? You know what to do. The usual. ^_^;;

Preview of the next chapter sorta

"Aoshi?"

"What is it Yuri?" Aoshi sighed as she wrapped her arms around him.

"Okina-sama sent a letter to Tokyo. We may get to see Misao-san soon."

Misao? Yes, he needed to see Misao right now. But why? Why did he need to see her so bad? He loved Yuri. He was engaged to Yuri... but his the deepest part of his heart yearned to see Misao. Why? He had Yuri... could his heart be trying to tell him something? What was this urgent feeling to see her? Misao... his Misao-chan. The little girl who followed him everywhere. The young woman who had become his friend in a way. The young ninja whose heart he had broken so many times. The need to see her was becoming so great... why?