Deep Within

Deep Within
By Jen

Only love could make me turn around
and make these tears come tumbling down
Only love
Only love could make you stay with me
I doubt myself but you believe
Only love
I wish that I could be that strong
To see me as I am,
and love me right or wrong
I guess I'm still afraid
to only say goodbye
So I keep it all inside
Only love...
-Only Love
Selena

Chapter 12a- Tragedy's Whispers I: Let your heart guide you.

Yu dashed blindly through the forest clutching a frightened Asuko in his arms. His eyes strayed towards the sky where Shin was flying swiftly to the dojo. His own mind had became blank, and he could still hear his senpai's tortured screams echoing in his mind. Every part of him was begging him to return and help his senpai, but every time he thought of going back, Misao's voice entered his mind.

Promise me that you will get Asuko to safety. Promise.

I promised her, and I will get Su-chan back to Kenshin. Then I'll come back to help you senpai. Even more determined than ever, Yu ran with speed he had not known that he possessed. He finally made it out of the forest and ran past the stands and shops to the trail that led to the dojo.


Kaoru glanced anxiously again, searching in the distance, trying to find Misao, Yu, and her daughter. It was close to nighttime already and they had left early after breakfast. She probably took the long trail through the forest, and went to the other markets. Kaoru tried to soothe her own fears as another feeling of foreboding fell over her, but to no avail. She went back to her cooking, which she herself admitted did not look to edible. Usually Misao or Mei would help her with the cooking, but Misao had left to the market and Mei was helping Megumi treat patients at the clinic. Kaoru tried her best to salvage the food, but found that she couldn't and that she was to preoccupied with her thoughts.

"Koishii?" Kenshin glanced from the ruin food to his absent minded wife. "Daijobou?"

"How long does it usually take Misao-chan to get to the market and back?" Kaoru asked Kenshin.

"Usually three hours. Why?"

"She's been gone too long." Kaoru muttered as she went back to the ruin food, and Kenshin finally understood her worries. "Daijobou Kaoru. I know you're worried about Misao-dono's safety, but she is perfectly capable of protecting herself when the time comes. She is strong, both physically and mentally. Perhaps she just decided to visit Ai-dono and Sa-kun on the way back. She's probably on her way back now." Kenshin's calm demeanor and soothing voice made Kaoru relax just a bit. "You're right."

Kenshin gave his wife one last reassuring smile before walking out to the porch where Yahiko was practicing. He stared at the darkening skies and decided that if Misao was not back by the time Aoshi and the others had arrived, then he would go after her.


Aoshi walked behind Yuri and the rest of the Oniwabanshuu, unable to concentrate on his surroundings, as his thoughts were elsewhere.

Aoshi-sama!!! Onegai!! Help me!!

Aoshi's eyes snapped open and surprise overtook him as he heard someone...not just someone, but Misao calling out his name, beseeching him for help. He looked up to see if the others had heard the scream too, but he saw that they showed no sign of having heard. Yuri who had slowed to walk next to him, felt him tense up and grabbed his arm, concern flooding her senses. "Anata?"

Aoshi stared at Yuri's face blankly as the screams continued to reiterate in his head, and not until Yuri placed an affectionate hand on his cheek did he notice her presence. "Anata? Daijobou ka?"

Aoshi stared into her eyes, and he saw another pair of eyes before his vision. Vivid sapphire eyes with sparkling tears forming in their immeasurable depths. "Misao..."

It was just a whisper, but it came as a shrill cry in Yuri's world as her heart suddenly crumbled away. Yuri looked into Aoshi's pale blue-gray eyes and saw an emotion flicker in their otherwise emotionless light. "Aoshi..." For some unfathomable explanation it no longer deemed appropriate to call him 'anata'. Yuri removed her hand from his cheek, only to have him grab at it and hold it securely in his own larger hands. Yuri felt tears spring to her eyes for she knew it wasn't she who he was seeing. Not anymore. Yuri could feel it in her heart, but she didn't want to believe or acknowledge the nagging voice of sensibility. Understanding now in her eyes, Yuri murmured words to Aoshi as they walked hand in hand. "Daijobou, Aoshi. We'll see Misao-san soon." His grip tightened around her hands as he heard these words of assurance. Together with the rest of the Oniwa, they picked up pace when they reached the trail to the dojo, not noticing the sudden omen as the skies darkened into a deep, stormy blackish-blue color.


"Ken-san! Kaoru! Misao-chan!" Kaoru and Kenshin looked up when they heard Megumi's voice ring through into the dojo.

"Oi! Jou-chan! Weasel?! Where are you?" They heard Sano's voice and headed to where the two were standing with Mei.

"Himura! Kaoru-san! Where's Misao?" Mei asked after they greeted each other.

"You mean you didn't see her?" Kaoru asked distressfully.

Mei's smile disappeared. "Iie, you mean Misao hasn't come back yet?"

"Iie. It's been too long. I'm worried."

"Daijobou Kaoru-san, I'm sure she's fine. Maybe she bumped in Aoshi-san and the others." Mei stated calmly.

"Maybe you're right. I'm just overreacting, ne?" Kaoru smiled weakly and Kenshin led her inside along with Sano and Megumi. Mei lingered outside and watched as the skies darken, not able to shake the premonition that something had and was still happening to Misao. She always had this uncanny connection with her best friend, always knowing when the other was in trouble, and so she was fearful for Misao. But there was no need to tell Kenshin because she could tell he knew too.


Aoshi became more and more agitated while they neared the dojo gates. The only thing he could think of was that he finally had a chance to see Misao. It had been almost a year since he had seen her face, and two years since he had basked in her radiance. What was he supposed to say to her? Had she really become a shadow of herself? A version of himself? Aoshi shook his head, clearing his mind, not wanting to say anything.

He had thrown it all away though. He had thrown it away when he had refused to accept her affections, when he had fallen in love with Yuri...when he had asked Yuri to marry him. He had thrown away his closest and longest relationship with just a few unspoken words. Words were the deadliest things. They destroyed relationships, break down carefully built defenses, and cause pain. All just the result of a few words murmured.

"Aoshi, we're here." Yuri disrupted his quiet contemplation with her chiming voice. Aoshi stood before the gates, his eyes cast upon the stone. He felt as if he was passing through the Gates of Judgment in heaven. He knew somehow that once he passed those gates, his future would be decided and written in the stars. He gathered his strength and prepared to learn of his future. Perhaps Yuri would have laughed at him if she had known what he was thinking. Having his destiny made because of passing through the dojo gates to meet Misao and the Kenshin-gumi? It was quite laughable really. Quite laughable.

"Oi!! Himura-kun!! Kaoru-chan?! We're here!" Okina hollered at the top of his lungs. They heard some footsteps and scrambling before the entrance began to opened. And as Aoshi waited for what seemed to be an eternity, but was merely a few seconds, for the gates to open fully, he felt his heart began to race. Misao…

And smiling faces came into view and greeted them warmly. Introductions were made on Yuri's part. Aoshi noticed that when they met Yuri, Kaoru and Megumi's smiles seemed to falter. Aoshi stood back and received his greetings from the men quietly.

"Welcome Aoshi-san." Aoshi stared at Kaoru, though her welcome was made warmly, Aoshi did not overlook the thin line of bitterness hidden carefully in her tongue.

Okina looked around at all the faces, but noticed there were some missing. "Oi, Kaoru-chan where's my pretty Misao and your little girl?"

Kaoru weakly grinned. "Daijobou, Misao took Asuko and Yu with her to the market. She should be here any moment now…" Kaoru then murmured to herself. "…any moment now."

She perked up quickly. "Come inside, it's quite cold out here. Mei is waiting inside with some refreshments. You must be tired from your trip. We can talk and catch up inside."


Aoshi slipped silently from the room as the others were deep in a conversation about the last years since they had last seen each other. He had suddenly felt suffocated and wanted some air. He walked under the dark skies, as night began to set in. Sitting beneath a nearby tree, Aoshi began his quiet meditations, feeling somewhat calmed. A light breeze blew through his hair and gently shook off of the leaves of the trees, and he heard a light voice call his name.

"Aoshi?" He turned his head to see Yuri standing nearby with her hands clasped before her.

"Nande Yuri?" Aoshi could feel a light sadness that emitted off of her when she looked at him. He opened his arms and she hesitated before walking into his embrace, but she found no comfort there. Not anymore. Not when his heart no longer belonged to her.

"Aoshi, do you still love me?" She voiced her question meekly; afraid of the answer she would receive. Aoshi was at a lost for words.

"Why do you ask such a question?" He answered her with a question of his own.

"You still haven't answered me." Yuri said stubbornly and waited for him to answer, but found that he wouldn't until she talked. She pulled away from his embrace, even though all of her wanted her to stay forever and be comforted in his arms, but she could no longer find peace for her aching heart in Aoshi's arms. Instead she sat beside him looking in the opposite direction from him. "Aoshi, when you asked me to marry you…were you listening to your heart…or your mind?"

Aoshi was confused about the question and was about to ask her, but she stopped him and continued.

"I know that you shut away your emotions, locked them deep inside long ago. I also know that you don't act by your feelings or heart. You make decisions with your mind and ignore what your heart tells you to do…"

As she spoke Aoshi started to remember his own past. The day he had seen his younger sister and parents slaughtered was the day he had given up on emotions and had encased his heart in ice.

"But you shouldn't! You should listen to your heart, and let all the pain free. That's the only way you will ever heal, Aoshi… I need you right now, but I know that even if I have your mind….She has your heart and would always have your heart. You just can't understand it! How much you need her. You just don't understand how much she loves you and how much you love her. Perhaps you never will."

"Yuri…"

"Onegai, don't. You have to tell her. Before it's too late because you will have lost the chance for happiness. Tell her that you love her."

"Who? Yuri what are you talking about?"

Yuri shook her head ruefully, "You still can't see it, but I can."

She then kissed him lightly on the lips, embracing him as if it were the last chance she had to do so. When they pulled away, Aoshi could see a somber light in her bright violet blue eyes and was startled.

"Let your heart guide you Aoshi. Listen to it for it knows all your secrets that you keep within. I want you to know, that when you make your decision I will be there." Yuri and Aoshi looked up when they heard shouts coming from the gates and hurried over to the commotion.


Yu burst through the gates still holding Asuko close to his warmth. "Minna?! Sanosuke? Onegai! Hayaku!"

Mei came out smiling, but her smile vanished when she saw blood staining their clothes and Misao nowhere in sight.

"What happened?! Where's Misao?!"

Asuko's reaction of hearing Misao's name made them all jump. Asuko's sobs became louder and her wails echoed through the courtyard. "Neesssaan!!!!!"

Kaoru took her daughter into her arms, trying to ease her tears. "Daijobou, where's Misao-neesan, Asuko?"

The adults tried to make out Asuko's wails to find out what had happened to Misao, but to no avail. Abruptly, Yu's fatigued voice cut through them all with his words.

"Senpai…we were attacked on our way back. They were ninjas I could tell. There were at least twenty of them, if not more. They surrounded us, but Misao-senpai protected us. She made me run and take Asuko back. I didn't want to, but I couldn't say 'no' to her. I saw her get hurt before I left, but she was on her feet again, trying to protect us… demo she had very few kunai! Onegai! You have to help her! Onegai!"

"Where?" Yu looked to the man whose icy blue eyes sent chills down his back. Yu said nothing and the man repeated his question with a harder edge to his voice. "Where is Misao?"

Sano intercepted and asked his student the location of Misao. "In the forest trail! Hayaku senpai! You have to help her!"

Without another word, the man wearing the trench coat dashed out of the dojo with Sano and Kenshin following suit, but not before Kenshin ordered them to stay here while they go find and help Misao.

The group watched as Kenshin and Sano run after Aoshi, hoping that they would make it and save Misao.


Aoshi ran faster than he had ever done in his life, his mind in turmoil as he reached out for Misao's ki. Finally he found it, but it was fading fast. Kenshin and Sano followed after him, knowing that Aoshi had a connection to Misao, which would lead them to her. Kenshin held Misao's ki also as they ran. Aoshi trusted Misao's ki to lead them and his mind slipped into the memories.

Aoshi, do you still love me?

He ran, oblivious to the light drizzle pattering around the trio, its quiet voice mingled with the winds of the forest singing a song of sorrowful foreboding.

Why do you ask such a question?

He ran as his emotions raged on wildly inside of him, burning to be set free.

Aoshi, when you asked me to marry you…were you listening to your heart…or your mind?

His heart of ice was slowly melting underneath the heat of emotions that blazed inside of his being.

But you shouldn't! You should listen to your heart, and let all the pain free. That's the only way you will ever heal, Aoshi…

And now he stood before a cross in the road, and all at once Misao's ki vanished. His heart jolted and Aoshi turned to Kenshin to see him staring at him wide-eyed. He feels it too.

"What do we do now?" Sano asked frantically.

Aoshi's demeanor never changed despite the confusion that had suddenly erupted through him, confusion and fear. Looking back he realized that he had never feared about anything...anything but her. He was her protector, a promise he had made her grandfather and brother, his okashira and best friend. Yes he always feared for her. She was the one he had promised to always protect, but ever since he had came back to her, all he did was hurt her more and more each day, and all the time he was trying to protect her from himself, he was oblivious to the fact that she needed him most. Aoshi shook those thoughts away, not understanding them and not wanting to at the moment. Right now he needed to find her. He tried to reach for her ki, but could not find it. Again he tried and tried, but then stopped when he realized that it wouldn't help him much to waste time. He was in despair, how were they supposed to find Misao now?

Let your heart guide you Aoshi. Listen to it for it knows all your secrets that you keep within.

"Aoshi, do you know where Misao might be?" They had been standing there for at least five minutes and Kenshin was becoming restless.

Let your heart guide you Aoshi.

Deep within he knew. He knew where he would find Misao. His heart whispered it over and over and this time he would listen to his heart because he knew…she would be there. Aoshi broke out into a dead run, leaving Sano and Kenshin to exchange looks and trail after him. Yes, she would be there, and he prayed to the gods above that she was safe.

Listen to it for it knows all your secrets that you keep within.


Author's notes: hmmm…I like this revised version better. Less rushed, I would think. Well on to Ch. 12b. Also there won't be anymore previews unless everyone wants it like that. Send comments and criticism. Ja minna =)