Deep Within

Deep Within
By Jen

I sit here, veiled with a mask
I, the one who shed these burning tears
In the shadows hides...

all my pain, sorrow, and fears
So I sit here weeping,
But my tears fall silently...

and no one would know but me
One day my world will crumble,
and I will have nothing left to live for and

I will still sit in the shadows...
with these tears that will never disappear...

- Masking the Tears Jen

Chapter 12b: Tragedy's Whispers II: Aishiteru Aoshi...always

"Aoshi, do you know where Misao might be?" They had been standing there for at least five minutes and Kenshin was becoming restless.

Let your heart guide you Aoshi.

Deep within he knew. He knew where he would find Misao. His heart whispered it over and over and this time he would listen to his heart because he knew…she would be there. Aoshi broke out into a dead run, leaving Sano and Kenshin to exchange looks and trail after him. Yes, she would be there, and he prayed to the gods above that she was safe.

Listen to it for it knows all your secrets that you keep within your heart.


As they neared the location where Aoshi knew Misao to be, the stench of blood suddenly drifted into their nostrils and when they came into the small clearing the sight that met them made them stop dead.

Five dead bodies were littered everywhere and blood stained everything, and amidst all the destruction lay a pile of broken stones, that Aoshi knew to be the graves of his comrades. He stood motionless, staring and staring, but not believing. Kenshin and Sano could only gape at the bloody scene. Kenshin's eyes rested on the pile of rocks and dawning came over him as he finally understood. This was where Aoshi had buried them. A gleam of light caught his eye and Aoshi looked down to see a small little blade laying in the pool of blood near the graves. Walking slowly over to the ruined tombstones, he knelt and his hand trembled when he fingered the small blade he knew to be her weapon. Picking it up and turning around at Kenshin's enquiring look, he showed them the Misao's kunai that was stained with what Aoshi knew was her very own blood.

Aoshi?" Kenshin neared him.

"Misao's blood." Such coldness in his voice! Even.... even when she was gone. He still couldn't bring himself to free his emotions for her.

"Nani?!" Sano's eyes examined the pile of rocks; blood stained all of the stones. The crimson liquid looked fresh. Sano shook his head in disbelief and continued to look for evidence that Misao had been there, but the bloody aroma of his surroundings made him feel nauseas. Kenshin begin to help Sano, and soon the two discovered two things. One was a piece of cherry colored satin, which Kenshin recognized to be from Misao's obi and the other object Sano had found lying deep in the pool of blood. He took the small book into his hands and read its title. Journal of Makimachi Misao.

Remember...

Aoshi's eyes followed the blood that lead to a trail away from the scene and soon he and the other two men were following it to the stream that was nearby.

Why...why didn't you let me die?

They stopped when they reached the waters only to see the dark crimson blood that blemished the once pure waters of the streams.

Remember...

Looking into the blood stained waters, he could see that blood blemished the once clear waters.

I need to see her. Aoshi thought as he stared off towards Tokyo. I need to see her...

The stream carried its scarlet content, as it traveled further away from them. And through the blood, they could make out the outline of a petite figure. Aoshi leapt into the murky liquid without much of a thought, and his eyes adjusted so that he could see.

Misao-chan hates Aoshi-sama....Aoshi-sama hates Misao-chan....that's the way it will always be...

He neared the body, and he all he could do was stare at its lifeless form. With heaviness set in his heart, he took her unconscious form into his arms, holding onto her with his dear life as he swam upward.

Remember...

When he emerged from the waters, he heard Kenshin and Sano gasp, and for the first time in a long time he studied her inch by inch. Her body lay exposed beneath his coat, in which he had wrapped securely around her lifeless body. Her blood drenched his clothes, but he could not bear letting her go as he clung onto her with all his heart. Every inch of her face was perfection, despite the blood covering her completely, her beauty seemingly reached out to him.

She has your heart and would always have your heart. You just can't understand it! How much you need her. You just don't understand how much she loves you and how much you love her. Perhaps you never will.

Her lifeless body killed his hopes that this was all just a nightmare. Her eyes, when opened was the soft color of the sky, would forever remain closed. And the light and hope that clung to her had disappeared.

You have to tell her. Before it's too late because you will have lost the chance for happiness. Tell her that you love her.

He sunk to his knees; a strange feeling overwhelmed him and he felt a burning sensation in his eyes. He reached up and he felt the tears… the strange wetness that now came freely from his eyes. He stayed there for a moment clutching her body in his arms; the light had suddenly faded away from his life. The winds of the past carried away her voice, Aishiteru Aoshi-sama. He felt barren and alone. The tears were coming slowly, and he could not stop them… nor did it matter to him anymore.

Who? Yuri what are you talking about?

Yuri shook her head ruefully, You still can't see it, but I can.

Aishiteru Misao... his sudden and erupt thought was carried away from him, and the surprise of the revelation marked him. All the bruises that was proof of her painful death, left bruises on his heart and all the cuts, marks on his soul. Without Misao, he was nothing. Yuri, this is what she had been talking about all along. I've loved Misao all along...but its too late now. It was too late for her, too late for him...too late for their love.

Remember...

His gaze went from skies and back to the girl in his arms, the tears never stopped, and he simply didn't care. These tears were just like the tears that day...the day when he had denied her love. Kenshin knelt next to him, but Aoshi never looked away from Misao's face. It was as if he believed that if he stared at her long enough, then her eyes would suddenly open and she would flash one of her cheerful smile. Kenshin turned back to Sano, who had turned away from the sight, but not before Kenshin caught sight of the moisture on his face. Kenshin's own eyes misted in grief, and he looked down at Misao, and noticed that small droplets of jeweled water were slowly dripping onto her. His eyes looked upward into the gray skies and saw that it had begun to rain harder, highlighting Misao's death as the wind blew harshly through his hair. The winds blew Aoshi's bangs from his face, and Kenshin thought he could see tears coming from them, but wasn't sure because of the falling rain. But what he did know was the look Aoshi held on his face. The look of one that had lost anything , and everything he had loved. The look of one that had been damned.

Aishiteru Aoshi...always.


He walked behind them, his footsteps silent as a cat and his eyes never leaving his beloved's lifeless features. He was vaguely aware of the pouring rain and of the two men who walked ahead of him, their heads bowed in mourning, but his icy blue eyes never left her face. The trio walked solemnly through Tokyo's hushed streets towards the dojo, each harboring their own torment in the still of the night.

Kenshin neared the gates of the dojo first and opened it, and the trio moved wordlessly through them. The silence was so unbearable, but that was what Aoshi would have to learn to adjust to. The silence and darker side of life that he had managed to escape with her help...but now she was gone and he was more vulnerable to its beckoning than ever.

He looked up, but as soon as he did, he wished he hadn't. Because what met him were faces with hopeful expressions and happiness to see them back. He looked away from them and back to his angel's comforting face.

"Aoshi?" Okina asked suddenly after a few moments of silence.

As lightning flew across the sky, they could catch a glimpse of Aoshi. He held something in his arms and dark red liquid tainted his dark clothing.

"Aoshi...daijobou?" Okina asked again, and again received no answer.

"Kenshin? What happened? Where's Misao-chan?" Kaoru asked, trying to break the silence.

Meanwhile, Aoshi was studying Misao one last time, etching her lovely features into his mind along with all the other memories of her. He murmured a soft goodbye, and felt his world crumble around him and the aching throb of his heart increase so awfully. He walked over to Okina and wordlessly handed Misao's lifeless form to the old man and left just as quickly. Aoshi could still hear their voices, Kenshin was telling them the news, and the woman's heartbreaking wails filled the air around him, but it was all thrown to the background as a dying whisper swept through his mind.

Aishiteru Aoshi...always

The words swirled around him carried in the gale of emotions that swept through him, and then there was nothing but silence once more. Nothing but the empty silence. ..


Plans were soon being made for Misao's funeral, which was only a few days away. It had been decided that she would be buried in next to her fallen friends. Aoshi, himself, remade the graves and even made Misao's. It was long and distressing work to plan her funeral. There was not a day that went by without someone breaking down crying. Whether it was Kaoru, or Yu, or even Okina. A sort of depression had settled over the small dojo and everyone in town could sense it. The visitors from Kyoto had decided to stay a few more days after Misao's funeral, for some reason unknown. And the Oniwa came from different places across Japan to pay their respects to their late okashira.


The rising sun painted an indigo hue merged with a soft pink and pale yellow across the morning sky, the clouds that had been present in the past week had suddenly vanished leaving behind soft breezes. The birds flew once more, their songs spreading in the air. It was truly a beautiful day, but not for certain individuals. For this morning was the morning when they would find that their nightmares, in actuality was not a nightmare. Because today...today was the day they will bury their lovely angel in the cold dark ground. Today was the day that Aoshi, Mei, and the others would have to bid farewell to Makimachi Misao.

Mei woke up quietly, tears that she had wept last night stained her cheeks and new ones began to appear as she remembered suddenly the event that would take place that day. Misao... Mei still could not comprehend the day had came. The day when her best friend, almost a sister was gone...forever. Misao, the last survivor of the Makimachi blood had died, leaving behind just a few traces that proved that she had been there. Mei wiped the tears from her eyes just as the door to her room slid open and in came Kaoru holding a sleeping Asuko in her arms. They looked at each other and no words were spoken in their mutual understanding. It was time to pay their last respects to Misao and start the funeral service.

Mei laid the bundle of flowers on Misao's grave, biding her a final farewell. She glanced at the other headstones that accompanied Misao's. The four stood around, gleaming a dull light, with Misao's smaller grave, made of a white stone Aoshi had carved out. And as her eyes traveled around at the crowd around Misao's grave, she saw the weeping women and the men's misted eyes, and her resolve to not to cry faded away as she broke down into her own tears, and was enclosed in an embrace from Sa. "Daijobou Mei-san, Misao-sama will always be alive in our hearts, just as long as you remember, she will always be with us...deep within she will be with us."

"Do you think she is happy? Wherever she is, do you think she's smiling at us right now?"

"Aa. I know she is."


Mei sat quietly meditating in the shade of her favorite tree. She looked over to Misao's grave and felt somewhat comforted. It had been at least a month since her burial, yet the grief it caused never really faded. Misao was an unforgettable person. The Oniwabanshuu were still staying with them at the dojo, and it seemed that the two groups were doing their best to console and keep the other strong. The past month had been filled with their reminiscences of Misao. They each related how they had first met Misao. Some stories were funny, others were serious, and even ones like Kenshin's, which was dramatic and funny at the same time.

He had gone into the story as if it had happened just yesterday. They all had listened, imagining Misao as he related his tale. They could all imagine Misao, with her seductive voice, luring the gangsters in, and the cockiness in her stance as she fought them. In their minds, they pictured Misao's determination as she leapt across the ravine, almost making it, showing Kenshin her strong will as he saved her. The speech she had made before the jump touched the very core of their hearts. The words were so like Misao, full of hope and unlimited determination. Mei's eyes had strayed to Aoshi who had remained silent through the whole conversation, his face still impassive. The anger shook her. How could he not feel anything? After all Misao had been through for him, didn't he understand?

Now as she meditated underneath the treetops, the breeze swept through her long black hair blowing it across her face. The breeze cooled her body, forcing her to wrap the mantle tighter around herself. A rustle in the bushes caused her head to snap up, and eyes narrowed at the sight of the person who stepped away from the shadows.

"Yuri-san." Harshness underlined her voice as she spoke. "Nande?"

Yuri faltered a bit, and as Mei looked into her eyes, what she saw shocked her beyond words. Yuri's eyes were puffy red from crying, and another emotion lay within their depths. An emotion she had seen in Misao's eyes that day when she had told Mei about Aoshi's rejection. The very same one. Compassion overtook her and she smiled at Yuri.

"I needed to talk to you Mei-san."

"What about?"

"Aoshi." Yuri looked at her square in her eyes. "Please take care of him for me. He needs the Oniwabanshuu even more now that Misao is gone."

"Doushite? What are you talking about?"

"I'm not going to return to Kyoto with you and the others tomorrow. I am going to France to live with my father and younger sister."

"Demo… you are engaged to Aoshi!"

"I am no longer betrothed to him."

"Doushite?" Mei followed Yuri's eyes as it traveled to the skies.


Aoshi…It pained Yuri to see Aoshi this way. Despite the fact that he didn't show anything, she knew his thoughts and his emotions. He was suffering inside, slowly losing what was left of his sanity. Misao's death had enlightened her. She regretted what she was about to do. She shouldn't leave him in such a state, but this was for the best. She could no longer call him hers. Not when she knew his heart had belonged to someone else this whole time, never had it belonged to her.

"Aoshi." Her voice sounded weak and saddened in her own ears.

"Nande?" His gentle tone reached her ears, weakening her resolve, but she continued.

"I need to talk to you." Yuri walked over and sat down next to Aoshi, whose eyes slowly opened, from his meditations. She searched their depths, and she knew. Her suspicions were confirmed and how they hurt her.

"You loved her."

Such simple words, but to Aoshi they stung.

"Onegai, don't deny it. You loved her all along. It took her death to make us both realize it."

"Yuri…" Aoshi looked down at her, and she put a finger to his lips.

"Shh…daijobou. I knew all along, sort of. Your heart was never mine. You were never mine. Even now your heart and spirit is with her. Aoshi, I love you so much, but I cannot compete with the spirit of the one who has you and your heart." Yuri smiled weakly and stroked his cheek. "I don't regret anything that has happened. You are the best thing that has happened to me, but I have to move on. Sayonara."

She gave him no chance to reply as she cut off his words with a soft kiss, knowing that this would be their last. She broke away, her eyes misty. "I will pray to Kami-sama to protect your love. I hope that one day you will be together again."

With that she slipped quickly from the room, running until she reached the outdoors where she collapsed in tears. "Aishiteru Aoshi. Onegai, watch over him and lead him to you again Misao-chan."


"Yuri, I'm sorry. Daijobou?" Mei asked as the older woman wept. Yuri gave her a teary smile and nodded her head. "I'm fine. The pain will subside. I know their love is strong even if they never got to share it with each other. They will be together someday. I only regret coming in between them, and now it's too late."

"Iie, it's not your fault. Misao never blamed you." Mei's voice soothed her and Yuri smiled again. "Sayonara Mei."

"Sayonara. I will pray for your happiness."

"Arigatou."

That was the last Mei would see Yuri until the day they would meet again in later years.


Aoshi stood in front of Misao's grave, his eyes never leaving it as emotions burned inside of him. He still refused to let them free and they were flaming inside of him.

You loved her.

Aa, I do. Aoshi thought as he sat down before her grave, feeling a comfort from being around her essence. He loved her, but it now made no difference. They were never meant to be together, their love explored and shared. There was never meant to be Aoshi and Misao, friends, lovers, parents, grandparents. His eyes lowered as he went into a dreamlike state, visions began to flash through his mind, finally he found himself in a field.

She was beautiful. She stood before him in all her glory and splendor. Her eyes shining with mirth and a smile lit her face. He held out a hand to her, reaching out to bring her back to him, but the closer he came to her, the further she drifted away from him. He could only watch as the darkness overwhelmed her, and the light faded from her eyes, the smile vanishing from her face. Misao! The darkness then began to settle upon him, and he looked blindly around searching for Misao. Misao!

Aoo…ssshii…sa…m..a! Her screams faded into the howling winds as he stood frozen, not able to move. Then he saw her again, this time he could not say anything to her, all he could do was watch as the tears burst from her eyes, flowing down her bloodied face, not even noticing the figure emerging from the shadows, ready to strike her down.

"MISAO!!"

Aoshi yelled, waking from his small daydream, sweat pouring down his face. He looked to her grave and saw it covered with blood, the blood that also stained his hands. Her blood... It dripped around him, everywhere he looked he saw nothing but scarlet liquid. Her voice taunting him as he had before.

Iie! Aoshi-sama hates Misao-chan....and Misao-chan hates Aoshi-sama...it's the way its always been.

The scene faded away leaving him to stand in front of a bloody Misao, just like before. She held his kodachis in her hands, wounds covering her, and she had that same sad smile on her face. The smile grew wider as he rushed forward, only to catch her falling figure as the kodachis pierced through her. She looked up at him, and smiled as the tears slowly came from his eyes.

"Doushite? Why are you crying? I am dying just like you wanted..."

Aoshi clutched her closer, shaking his head. "Iie, I don't want you to die. Don't die Misao...I..I..Aishiteru."

Misao just stared at him, and then she closed her eyes. "It's too late..."

And Aoshi held Misao as the life faded from her once more. "MISAO!!"

Her form faded away, leaving him alone in the shadows that haunted him still.


"Aoshi?"

A voice slowly lured him out of the darkness and he suddenly knew who was calling him. "Battousai?"

Opening his eyes, Aoshi could see that it was in fact Kenshin who stood in front of him.

"Aoshi." Kenshin repeated the same sadness and understanding was still in his voice.

"Nande?" Aoshi's eyes never left Misao's grave.

"We all miss her." Kenshin began, looking at Aoshi for any reaction.

"…" None whatsoever.

"She was a great friend. Helping Kaoru and taking care of Asuko." Kenshin sat down next to Aoshi. "We all loved her. She was important to us…"

"It isn't your fault. You cannot blame yourself for her death." Kenshin did not expect the younger man to reply.

"Her blood stains my hand. It is my fault she is dead."

"You couldn't have possibly know what was going to happen. None of us did, otherwise…"

"I broke my promise to her. I wasn't there when she needed me. It is my fault she died." Despite Kenshin's protests the only thing Aoshi could see was Misao's blood staining his friends' graves. His head was bowed. "Sumen minna, I've failed her…all I ever caused her was heartache and tears."

"Aoshi… you can't blame yourself for their deaths…or Misao-dono's… they wouldn't want you to live your life in damnation for something that was beyond your control."

"..."

"Aoshi, did you love Misao-dono?" He waited for a few minutes for Aoshi's response and when he received none he stood up to leave.

Finally a cool and steady voice answered his question. "Aa, I did..."

Kenshin turned around to Aoshi. "Aoshi..."

"But she must have despised me...after all that she's been through."

Kenshin turned back to Aoshi, and for the first time saw emotions raging in Aoshi's eyes. Guilt, pain, and the look of a man who had lost the most important person in their life. Kenshin finally understood, he understood all too much. He had felt that way when he had lost Tomoe. His years as a rurouni did not erase those memories…he could still see her dying form in his arms. The nightmares still haunted him. He understood the suffering of one who had lost their love. Taking a look at Aoshi, he wasn't sure what would happen to the younger man. He had realized his love for Misao when it was too late. Kenshin racked his mind for words to soothe Aoshi's guilt and pain.

"Iie. She didn't hate you. She never could have. Aoshi…Misao-dono…she still loved you."

Aoshi looked up at Kenshin, his eyes narrowing in disbelief. "How…?"

"It takes a lot to change someone's heart. Especially if their love is as strong and true as Misao-dono's."

"…"

And he was gone, leaving Aoshi to his own tormented thoughts and anguish. Aoshi rose to his feet and took one last look at the graves, only then did he notice a small book lying behind one of them. He picked up the fragile object, and his hands trembled as he read its title. Journal of Makimachi Misao.


Aoshi glanced down at the grave for the last time, his hand running across its cool surface. He had come here to bid farewell to Misao and the others. His faced showed a certain tenderness as he spoke quietly. "Sayonara Misao, wait for me."

Then he looked away, and the mask slipped into place again, hardening even more. Just as his heart had. Somehow he had managed to bury all those emotions and now he was to be the cold-hearted okashira once more. No one was there to warm his heart of ice, no one to break down the walls that surrounded his emotions. His trench coat flew about him as he silently left the clearing, not even once did he look back for there was nothing for him there.

He watched as the rest of his comrades exchanged goodbyes with the Kenshin-gumi. He stood before them as they began their journey home. His mind was far away, and he could faintly hear the gallops of a horse as one passed by them heading into the opposite direction. Okina stared at Aoshi whose face was even more impassive than ever, his features even more hard. It was happening over again, Aoshi was beginning to crawl back into his shell, but this time no one was there to help and watch over him.


Author's notes: The angst level may be shifting again. I don't know *shrugs* Minna, I've got to tell you. I didn't like this chapter. And don't mind that poem at the beginning. It's something I wrote a while back and it wasn't very good ^_^;; Send comments, onegai ^o^x. Now onto chapter 13. Wait, I'm too sleepy. I'll write it later. =)