a:link{text-decoration:underline} a:visted{text-decoration:none} a:hover{text-decoration:underline overline;cursor:crosshair} Deep Within

Deep Within
By Jen


Is love really the tragedy the way you
might describe?
Or would a thousand lovers
still leave you cold inside?
Make you cry...
These tears of pearls
All these mixed emotions
we keep locked away like stolen pearls
Stolen pearl devotions we
keep locked away from all the world
-tears of pearls
Savage Garden

Chapter 13- Dying Hopes: I just want to forget, onegai…

Every parting gives a foretaste of death,
every reunion a hint of the resurrection.
- Arthur Schopenhauer

She was floating in a sea of serenity. The pains that had wracked her body a few moments before had suddenly vanished, leaving behind no traces of her sufferings. The blood that had matted her hair had disappeared along with the dark emotions that had suddenly sprang up in her. Misao's tranquil eyes opened to find herself in a small field, and looking around her, she suddenly felt a familiar presence... Hannya? And sure enough his ghostly image appeared before her and Misao ran to him and threw her arms around him. He embraced her, but Misao could feel the sorrow around him and looked up at his face questioningly. "Hannya?"

"Misao-chan. I am happy to see you again." He said, the traces of joy evident in his voice, but was almost buried underneath the grief that dripped in his voice.

"Hannya? Daijobou? Where are we?" She let go of him to look at him expectantly.

"Misao, you're not supposed to be here yet."

"Nani? What do you mean? Where are we?"

"Sumen Misao-chan, I can't tell you now." Hannya suddenly looked past her, and Misao turned to see what he was looking at. "Aoshi-sama..."

"Aoshi-sama? Where?" Misao turned around fully and looked for Aoshi, but did not find him. She noticed too late the pain that jolted her head and she turned to see Hannya's remorseful face. She began to cough up blood, and suddenly felt something inside of her awaken. "Hannya? Doushite?"

"Sumen Misao-chan. You're not meant to be here yet." The last thing she saw before her vision faded were the ghostly forms of Hannya and the rest of them. Minna..

Soujiro stood patiently waiting for his friend to arrive, but he could not get the feeling of uneasiness to leave him. He turned back towards the woods where the evil life energy seemed to be coming from. Deciding that his friend would wait for him if he was late, Soujiro ran into the forest.

Pain. It was everywhere. Her body was aching, her heart was throbbing. Suddenly the agony had shot through her, and once more she felt and remembered the torture of his hands scoring her body, bruising and cutting her. Misao's eyes opened quickly and the ruby water rushed around her. Blinking, she found herself tied up and unable to move. Her lungs were burning for air, and she began to try and free her arms from their restraints. She felt the air suddenly leave her body as she worked quickly to undo her confined hands. She felt the ends began to loosen up, and suddenly they snapped apart. Misao used what was left of her strength to swim through the scarlet that surrounded her. Emerging from the water, she dragged herself onto shore and collapsed exhausted for a few moments as the world seemed to disappear around her. Coughs wracked her body, and her eyes closed tightly in pain. In her eyes and memories all she could remember was his cold silver eyes as they stared into her eyes maliciously while he slowly and forcefully took away her innocence. Pulling herself up, Misao gazed at her reflection in the water, and was disgusted at the face that looked back at her. She suddenly felt dirty and guilty and all she could see in her mind was an adulterated and corrupt woman. A woman who did not deserve to be living and breathing as she was right now.

Blood matted her hair and her beautiful kimono barely covered her body. The evidence of the torture could be seen on her body from wounds that continued to bleed. Her battered body was heaving with the effort it took for her to breathe, and her eyes had suddenly took upon the look of shame. Shame of herself for not taking the shorter way back to the dojo. Shame for letting the man to touch her and ravage her. Shame for allowing this to happen to her.

In the midst of all the heightening emotions, reality set in fully, coming in full force to shock and pain her. She had been raped. A man she knew nothing of had dared to hurt her. Anger grew steadily in her. She directed the anger towards that man, and at herself. After months of keeping them buried, and all she had kept to herself, the emotions bursted free, along with the tears she had once believed would not come.

Tears cascaded down her cheeks, like burning drops of rain bursting free from a cloud of emotions that had been building for a long time and finally bursted free. The tears came and Misao let them come. Finally freeing herself of emotions buried for the past year. Suddenly she felt soiled, unclean and she saw leaves on the ground. She grabbed them and began to rub them fiercely on her already injured body, trying to erase what had happened. New wounds began to appear on her, but she ignored the pain and continued to cleanse herself. A new thought hit her. Aoshi...I've betrayed him...

Yes she had betrayed him. She didn't wait for him and now she did not deserve him anymore. She was dirty and unclean. Of course Aoshi would pick Yuri. Gomen nasai, Aoshi-sama. Gomen nasai. It was my entire fault. No wonder you didn't love me. What could I offer you?

Misao dropped the leaves and collapsed again, her suffering continued to grow, and her vision was slowly fading. I'm dying, she thought painfully. Wasn't this what she always wanted? Yes, she thought, yes yes yes. Especially now that death would be merciful. She welcomed death with open arms, and embraced its promises willingly.

She watched, feeling almost sympathetic for the young woman below her. Her grief touched the very core of her heart, almost so that Shizu, herself could feel the pain. That poor girl...

Shizu's eyes brimmed with tears, remembering the day when she had lost her innocence. Like, Makimachi she was young at the age of eighteen. She remembered the pains of her assailant thrusting himself continually into her, taking her away more and more of her virginity. Tears spilled down her cheeks as that fateful day began to replay over and over in her mind.

She ran quickly as her silvery black hair flew behind her, terror was ever present in her gray eyes.

"Oi! Jou-channn! Wheree aree youu goin....g? We just ..w.a..nt...to ..play with you!" One of the drunkard thugs yelled out.

She ran harder, straining every muscle in her body. She was weak and haggard, having not eaten for days. She knew that if they managed to capture her, that she would not be able to fight them. She let out a yelp as she suddenly tripped over a rock. She backed up against a tree as they surrounded her, sneers growing on each of their faces. She let out a scream, which was silent to the rest of the world as one of the thugs grabbed her.

She let out a few cries, trying to remain brave as they ravaged her over and over until each of them had their fill of pleasure. She thought that they would have just left her there lying close to death, but instead they had decided to take her with them, so that they might be able to please their urges at any time. She was of course crying. Was this her punishment for leaving her abusive father? It couldn't be...

She was losing her conscious and she knew it very well. Suddenly she heard a muffled voice, and in a blur of a moment, her captors were on the ground lifeless. She looked up in fear at her savior, but the terror melted away when as she gazed into his beautiful silver eyes and feelings exploded in her. She was falling in those depths.

Her sympathy would have outweighed her anger and need for revenge over the crying girl, if not for the fact that she was doing this for her okashira... her savior. She would sacrifice anything for the man that she had fallen in love with. She would do anything and everything for him. She had already given him her life, heart, and body to use at his disposal. She listened to the girl sob some more, a tear trickling down her own lovely face.

"Aoshi...gomen ne...I've betrayed you."

Shizu looked at the girl surprised, after all this time and all the pain Shinomori had put her through, she still loved him...loved him enough to believe that what had just happened was all her own fault. Saying a silent prayer of sympathy for the girl, Shizu leapt from the tree, with her tanto out. She fixed her target and aim it at the sobbing woman below her.

Misao felt the dark wings of mortality wrap itself her frail, trembling figure, and she did nothing to stop it. The memories were too painful, and the future too bleak. Nothing was keeping her back, and nothing was left for her. She was wrong. She couldn't live without Aoshi. She loved him with all her heart, and knew that nothing could ever change that. Her senses picked up the ki of a new presence, and she looked up to see a woman crashing down with a tanto drawn. Reacting only on instinct, Misao weakly rolled away just before she could be sliced with the woman's weapon. She continued to roll away from the woman, dodging her attacks, despite herself. She was backed up against the stream, and one move from her would make her fall in. The woman attacked again, and this time Misao stayed still, closing her eyes as she waited for her indisputable demise to come. When nothing happened, she opened her eyes again to see someone she had not seen in a long time, he was charging towards them, weapon drawn.

"Seta...Soujiro..." She faintly whispered as he rushed forward to them, and the last thing she heard before the world vanished around her, was the splash of cold water.

She opened her eyes, and what she saw surprised her. She was in Okina's garden at the Aoiya! What was she doing here? Footsteps echoed through the garden and she looked up to see a woman with long black hair with a bluish tint to it, her sapphire like eyes matched Misao's own. Everything about the two of them was the same, save for the facts that Misao was younger and a bit shorter. Misao watched as the woman edged closer to her, and a gentle voice of long-ago sounded through her mind, and Misao's eyes became large when she finally recognized the woman. "..O..Okaasan!"

"Misao, my precious daughter! How I've missed you!" Misaka took in Misao's shivering body in a warm embrace, tears beginning to trail down her cheeks. Misaka pulled her daughter to arm's length to examine her. Misao was beautiful with eyes that matched the calm morning sky, and hair that resembled the mysterious midnight sky. Her frail figure was accented by the moonlight, and Misaka was surprised to see silvery lines streaming down her daughter's face. Misaka pulled Misao closer and searched her eyes, emotions raged wild in those unfathomable depths, emotions and hardships. "Misao…?"

Misao said nothing more, and all her restraints burst as she collapsed in her mother's arms weeping out all the anguish that had started since the day of her birth. Misaka held onto her daughter, comforting her…something she never had the chance to do while Misao was still alive.

"Misao, tell me." Misao understood immediately and she began her heartbreaking story from the start, from the day of her birth to her, to her lost of innocence.

Misaka listened to her daughter's teary voice as she held her beneath the shade of the Sakura trees. Misaka stroked her daughter's hair gently as she replayed the moments that had nearly destroyed her. Misaka knew of these events of course, even while in heaven she never stopped loving her daughter, always watching over her. How many times had she wanted to hold and console Misao, but couldn't because of her state of being? Misao sobbed wildly as she ended her story and Misaka began to murmur in her ears.

"Sumen, sumen Misao."

"Nani? What are you talking about? Okaasan?" Misao watched in bewilderment as her mother began to fade away from vision. "OKAASAN!"

The skies had begun to darken, and the mist began to seep in. Misao looked around frantically searching for her mother, but instead she found herself in a clearing. She was clad in a white satin kimono and her hair was free from any bindings. The wounds on her body had disappeared and she could see a younger version of herself playing with her older brother. Eiji's forest green eyes were shining with warmth and love for her as he tackled her and tickled her silly. A smile formed on her lips at the fond memory. Oniichan…

The scene vanished and she could see Aoshi sitting quietly meditating. She was coming near him with a tray of tea.

"Aoshi-sama."

Her soft voice echoed through the silent temple. He looked up and her breath caught as his icy blue eyes penetrated her very being and she could feel herself falling in love with him over again. Aoshi-sama…

"Misao?"

"Huh? Hai. Gomen nasai, Aoshi-sama. I was just thinking." Misao sat down in front of him and began the tea ritual.

"Daijobou."

Misao smiled as she handed Aoshi the cup. He nodded his head in thanks. Misao sat quietly sipping her tea. Her heart was in turmoil. Did he love her or not? The question had been lurking in her mind for the past weeks. He had suddenly began to avoid her, going to the temple earlier and leaving before she could come with his tea. Today she had been lucky to catch him. She wanted to know oh so badly if he shared her feelings.

"Aoshi-sama…Aishiteru." The words came out suddenly and freely without her control, and only did she regret them, was when she saw the look upon Aoshi's face. She knew and she had to get away from him. How could she possibly bear the pain of those words? "Gomen nasai Aoshi-sama."

"Daijobou. You were only expressing your true feelings. Demo…"

"It's ok Aoshi-sama Really! I understand. You don't have to say anything."

Misao tried to leave, but his grip on her arm kept her in place. She looked at him, pleading for him to let her go. Onegai let me go…. She looked at him, her unvoiced plea continued in her mind. Onegai.

As if he had heard her plea, he released her arm and she ran away the tears flowing behind her.

Misao stopped and found herself in her office writing and looking over some papers. She had many duties as an okashira. She heard a knock at the door and looked up to see Aoshi come in.

"Misao, will you come to dinner tonight?"

"Nani? Why?"

"Yuri and I have something important to tell everyone."

"Important?" Misao's heart constricted, as she knew what the news would be. "Hai."

"Arigatou."

Aoshi turned away but looked back and Misao knew what he would say.

"Daijobou Aoshi, I understand. You don't need to say anything."

Onegai don't. Her heart screamed out. He nodded and left her. She sat down and began to write her last entry in her journal.

She cried out as she felt his rough hands violated her body and she felt him inside of her. The pain would not go away, and all she could do was scream in agony. His silver eyes gleamed evilly as he washed her reactions, taking it upon himself to hurt her more.

The splash of cold water surrounded her senses and the memories flew around her, suffocating her.

"Gomen nasai Misao."

Misao looked around to find her in that same clearing she had been standing with Hannya before. The field was filled with wildflowers and birds and other little animals running around freely. This place was the picture of serenity…this was what Misao had been looking for.

"Doushite? Why are you sorry?

"Because Misao, we knew that you would have to live through all your pain once more before you could decide anything." Another voice intercepted.

"Otousan!!" Misao threw her arms around her father, who held his angel closer.

"Misao, you must decide whether you want to continue to live, or just let your physical body die. Once dead, your spirit will then search for your lost soul."

"Ojiisan! Hannya, Hyotokotto, Beshimi, Shikijou… you're all here."

"Of course Misao-chan, we love you very much, and now we are here to help you make a choice." Beshimi replied gently.

"A choice… a choice to live- or to die?"

"Hai, Misao. A choice." Her mother whispered.

"I will be happy again? I won't feel tormented anymore?"

"Iie. Misao, the reason you have the option to choose… is because your heart has already died from this grief, but something is also pulling you back to life. Can't you feel it?"

Suddenly Misao felt something awaken inside of her, it was calling her back, luring her to choose life over death. "Hai, okaasan what is it?"

"I cannot say, demo… Misao if you die, it will not guarantee your happiness."

"Nani?"

"If you die, there is a chance you may not make it to heaven to be with us. When you died, your soul had already been lost. Despite what you may have thought, your heart never truly healed and your soul never fully returned. You will wonder between the land of death and living until you have finished all your business on earth…then and only then would you be allowed to come into heaven and find peace."

"Minna, what should I do?" Misao asked, her heart torn between her choices.

"We cannot tell you Misao. It is your choice."

"But how? I don't know what to do anymore. Onegai help me!"

"Follow your heart Misao, what does it say?"

"My heart just wants to forget… I just want to forget, onegai…it hurts so much, let me forget."

"Then you will be granted your wish."

"Okaasan?"

"Follow the light Misao."

"Okaasan?!" At the end of the dark path, she suddenly saw a bright light standing there, waiting for her.

"Enter the light Misao."

She ran towards it, and flung herself into it without so much as a thought.

I want to forget...it hurts so much..,

Owari ~*tbc*~

Author's Notes: Let me explain some things. This chapter takes place before chapter 12 a & b. They had not yet found her body in this chapter yet, this was while Aoshi, Sano, and Kenshin were taking hours to find her. I don't know why I just didn't put this before chapter 12 *shrugs* I guess I didn't feel like it. I know what you're thinking. How could there be more to this thing? Well, you just have to wait and see. Oh yea ^_^;; Send comments, onegai!

Deep Within
Chapter 12b|Chapter 14