Chapter two…The
Reasons
It had
taken awhile to get to this. Before the
pain there had been anger and before that the utter helplessness of
betrayal. She had felt the cold
nakedness of it, followed closely by the stinging sharp rage, now she was at
the bottomless sinking feeling. Of all
the emotions she'd gone through so far the first had been the worst. But it had also been the fastest to get
over.
There were so many reasons for her
to hate him right now. Phoebe pondered
as she sat alone drinking coffee at the kitchen table. She supposed it would be easier if she moved
back to anger. Sure he'd killed a witch
that should be reason enough. But it
wasn't. The feeling he'd given her, the
helplessness she had felt, that was more a reason then the how that feeling had
come about. It frightened her that
someone could hurt her so badly. Cole
shouldn't have been able to have that kind of power over her. No one should have.
It was easier to pretend. Maybe that was why she had never allowed
anyone so close before. But with all
they had been through Cole had been able to make it through the wall she had
around her heart. He'd been the only
one to make it to the wall, let alone get through it. And now she felt vulnerable. Now she felt helpless, now she felt betrayed again. It had been easier to deal with the empty
bottomless sinking feeling.
How had she managed to let him
in? Did he care that he'd done this to
her? But she knew the truth was she'd done it to herself. "It's over." Those were her words not his. And then to add injury to insult she'd told him to save himself. Well who was going to save her? Who would want to?
Who would want her?
Not Cole. He couldn't
possibly want her now. Because as much
as he'd betrayed her she'd betrayed him. As self-righteously as she had told him to leave, he'd humbly done what
she'd asked even though he must have been feeling it too. So who had been the better person? She knew she had acted rashly. She'd regretted it almost as soon as it had
left her lips but for prides sake she had left it there, hanging in the air,
forming a wall that no one could cross but herself, creating a cloud that might
never dissipate.
Yes he'd killed a witch but she'd
killed much more than that.
She'd savagely ripped apart his
heart and fed it to him.
Even Prue had been
disappointed.
Now the emptiness came back and she
wished that he was here with her. He
would have put his arms around her and kissed her head, whispering words that
he meant with all of his heart.
It was her that was faulty. Even with his heritage, he'd been more human
than her.
At this realization she felt
humiliated.
"Well at least this is a new
feeling." She said sarcastically. The
pride that had kept her from retracting her words earlier kept her from
forgiving herself and seeing that it was a normal reaction. It also kept her from seeing her fear and
from accepting what had happened and moving on. And the more she thought about it the more able she was to twist
it into something ugly and unrecognizable.
She arrived at anger again ahead of
schedule.
That's when she decided to add him
to the Book of Shadows. She wouldn't
have been able to at any other time. But she could do it now as punishment. Every word she'd write would be a penance for every listening to him.
She only had a few pictures of
him. She chose one of just him and a
strip with the two of them. If he was
more human than her it was only fitting that she join him in the Book of
Shadows. The marker felt cold between
her fingers. Cold and hard, like her
heart.
