Chapter two…The Reasons

Chapter two…The Reasons

It had taken awhile to get to this. Before the pain there had been anger and before that the utter helplessness of betrayal. She had felt the cold nakedness of it, followed closely by the stinging sharp rage, now she was at the bottomless sinking feeling. Of all the emotions she'd gone through so far the first had been the worst. But it had also been the fastest to get over.

There were so many reasons for her to hate him right now. Phoebe pondered as she sat alone drinking coffee at the kitchen table. She supposed it would be easier if she moved back to anger. Sure he'd killed a witch that should be reason enough. But it wasn't. The feeling he'd given her, the helplessness she had felt, that was more a reason then the how that feeling had come about. It frightened her that someone could hurt her so badly. Cole shouldn't have been able to have that kind of power over her. No one should have.

It was easier to pretend. Maybe that was why she had never allowed anyone so close before. But with all they had been through Cole had been able to make it through the wall she had around her heart. He'd been the only one to make it to the wall, let alone get through it. And now she felt vulnerable. Now she felt helpless, now she felt betrayed again. It had been easier to deal with the empty bottomless sinking feeling.

How had she managed to let him in? Did he care that he'd done this to her? But she knew the truth was she'd done it to herself. "It's over." Those were her words not his. And then to add injury to insult she'd told him to save himself. Well who was going to save her? Who would want to?

Who would want her?

Not Cole. He couldn't possibly want her now. Because as much as he'd betrayed her she'd betrayed him. As self-righteously as she had told him to leave, he'd humbly done what she'd asked even though he must have been feeling it too. So who had been the better person? She knew she had acted rashly. She'd regretted it almost as soon as it had left her lips but for prides sake she had left it there, hanging in the air, forming a wall that no one could cross but herself, creating a cloud that might never dissipate.

Yes he'd killed a witch but she'd killed much more than that.

She'd savagely ripped apart his heart and fed it to him.

Even Prue had been disappointed.

Now the emptiness came back and she wished that he was here with her. He would have put his arms around her and kissed her head, whispering words that he meant with all of his heart.

It was her that was faulty. Even with his heritage, he'd been more human than her.

At this realization she felt humiliated.

"Well at least this is a new feeling." She said sarcastically. The pride that had kept her from retracting her words earlier kept her from forgiving herself and seeing that it was a normal reaction. It also kept her from seeing her fear and from accepting what had happened and moving on. And the more she thought about it the more able she was to twist it into something ugly and unrecognizable.

She arrived at anger again ahead of schedule.

That's when she decided to add him to the Book of Shadows. She wouldn't have been able to at any other time. But she could do it now as punishment. Every word she'd write would be a penance for every listening to him.

She only had a few pictures of him. She chose one of just him and a strip with the two of them. If he was more human than her it was only fitting that she join him in the Book of Shadows. The marker felt cold between her fingers. Cold and hard, like her heart.