Disclaimer: All BTVS characters belong to Joss. All others are mine.Rating: R Summary: Anya faces her third fear, the fear of Death.
Feedback:Yes. please R/R . This is a mult-part story so the more comments the better the story gets.Distribution: Cool that would be great just ask me 1st.
Note: The last/final chapter of this story will be next. sorry for the delay. should be done by next week.
Chapter 5: Fear Of Death
Anya hears a distant beeping sound and the white pale lights and the pain. It was searing and intense. A pain she had never known before. She squeezed her hand instinctively and felt the presence of someone holding it.
"Who?" she said through cotton mouth.
"It's OK Anya. I'm here," said Xander, his voice cracking with emotion. "I'm here for you"
"Xander? What happened. It hurts so much," she said to him.
"I couldn't protect you Anya. I tried but she was too strong and buffy couldn't.." Xander said again heavy with emotion.
"What's going to happen to me," she said "I feel so cold"
"Maybe we should go and leave you two alone," said Buffy from the distance.
"Buffy?" anya asked.
"Yes it's me Anya. I'm here with willow. You shouldn't exert yourself. You've been through a lot," said Buffy.
"I'm going to die aren't I." Said Anya fighting the feeling to sleep.
"Your not going to die. You were very brave Anya ," said Willow "I'm proud to call you my friend."
"Oh my god willow's complimenting me. I'm sure I'm going to die now. Oh god Xander I'm so afraid," said anya as tears were coming to her eyes.
"It doesn't look good Anya," Xander said honestly "You've lost a lot of blood."
"I can't die Xander I just can't. I'm not ready," said Anya.
"I love you Anya," said Xander holding her. "I'll always love you"
"No please make it stop xander the pain is too bad and I am so sleepy and so cold. I don't like this feeling. Maybe willow can do a spell and…Argh," Anya shouted feeling the pain rip through her.
"You have to take it easy Anya," said Willow "Just take it easy. If your sleepy that's good just let it happen Anya. It may be the best thing," said Willow comforting.
"Oh sure so you can have xander for yourself. I always knew that whole willow is a lesbian is just a smoke screen.," said Anya.
"Oh yes I orchestrated your getting in the way of an Opakra demon and get you guts shredded over a year after me and Tara started going out just to get xander for myself," Said willow.
"I knew it," said Anya getting agitated.
"Damn it Willow do you have to get her upset," said Xander scolding "Can't you just shut up for once."
"Xander." said Buffy trying to comfort him.
"No I don't need any comforting now Buffy I need you to respect Anya for once in her life Damn it. She my life and I can't.. I can't lose her. Not like this," said Xander as he started to weep. Both Willow and Buffy held him as he cried. Anya's eyes wee barely able to focus on what was going on.
"No it can't be happening," said Anya as she watched Xander cry. She wanted to get up and comfort him. She wanted to tell him everything was OK. She couldn't say it. She couldn't do anything. She was helpless. What he said about her was so amazing. He had defended her and said he loved her. He couldn't live without her. Her heart sang when it heard his voice.
She shuttered a bit and then intense pain erupted over her body and nothing. "OH GOD ANYA No!", she heard him scream and suddenly she was looking at herself. Xander was holding her, rocking back and forth. Buffy and Willow put a steady hand on each of his shoulders.
"I loved you Anya. I wanted you to be my wife." he said to her.
She felt as if she was floating above herself and near the top of the room. Her hair had looked so bad and her skin was so pale. She saw the blood that still was evident from the claws of the demon. They had ripped right through her. She looked so peaceful. She felt at peace looking at the chaos around her. She wanted to tell Xander everything was going to be OK. She wanted to tell Willow and Buffy to take care of him for her but she had no words, she had no voice and no body. She was spirit. She was dead.
"She felt lighthearted and then cold again. This was what death was like for a human, she thought to herself. Suddenly the room was spinning and a bright tunnel of light appeared in front of her. She was drawn to it like a moth to a flame. The light seemed so comforting. She felt as if she was flying and could see the tunnel exit but something was wrong. She started to fell a sense of fear as the tunnel neared it's end.
Anya had read stories about beyond and back experiences and had been a demon so she was somewhat familiar with the different dark realms but from a humans perspective she never knew what they were like. She felt guilt and remorse as she got closer to the end of the tunnel. Suddenly she felt hands mauling her and grabbing her.
"Let me see your rabbit hole," one of them shouted.
"A large troll hammer slammed into her Leg and the pain again was intense. The white light had turned to a dark mist and it creeped around her skin.
"Anyanka you have done terrible things that a mere human lifetime could not erase," said a voice in the distance. "You must pay for you sins in this place"
"What are you talking about I helped people I was good," replied Anya.
""You were greedy and selfish and you have inflicted pain on many people. You must be punished Anya. This is your Hell"
Anya felt the stinging feel of Whips and the mocking words of her victims coming back to her.
"Boils. your gave me boils down there," screamed here former Boyfriend as she felt the pain and fear of her anguish. She saw images of her life and her greed. She then saw the future anguish of Xander played out in front of her like a horrible movie. She saw her funeral and the weeping and hand holding.
"Xander you have to snap out of this. You can't let Anya's death eat away at you," Buffy said at Anya's grave site.
"Shut Up buffy. I don't want to hear any fancy words like I feel you pain or I know what your going through. Anya was my life," said xander "She was the only person I've ever known that made me feel like a man. She made me feel like I was special. I felt like I was important and needed and that made me feel good about myself. She made me the man I always knew I could be by believing in me when no one else did and no she's gone and that belief is gone too," said Xander still weeping over Anya's death.
"It's OK Xander I still believe in you," said Anya to the pictures in front of her.
"He can not hear you Anya. It is your presence in his life and now your absence that will cause him to follow his newfound destiny," said The demon.
"What destiny," said Anya.
"Look and you will see my child," he replied.
"Damn it Xander you're scaring me," said Buffy.
"You should be scared," said Xander "because I can't live with this kind of pain"
"You do get over it a bit," said Buffy "I should know when my mom.."
"Damn it Buffy you're the slayer. You had something to drown in a duty to uphold and a whole world to save. That is what keeps you going. I have none of that. Do you think I would have turned my life around got a good job, the new apartment and had any form of direction in my life if it wasn't for Anya. I was a slacker Buffy. I had nothing and now I am left with nothing. The only difference is that now I know what that something is I lost. I know I have nothing and I know what I lost which makes me even more pathetic."
"Xander you have to just calm down before you do something stupid," said Buffy. "Just let me.."
"Get Off Me damn It," said Xander as a fist flung in Buffy's jaw. Xander ran off then before Buffy could catch him.
"Willow it's me," said Buffy into her cell phone. "Meet me at Xandrer's I think he may do something stupid"
"Oh god you don't think," said Willow.
"That's the problem I don't think Xander is thinking at all right now, or maybe he's just thinking too much just meet me there," said Buffy.
Xander raced home in his car thinking about anya all the way home. It had been two weeks since the funeral and he still couldn't face the fact that he was alone he just couldn't face much of anything.
"How could you have left me Anya,' xander shouted to the air " I loved you. I should have been the one to die not you. I should have died"
Xander quickly went up to his room and went to drawer. he had picked up the weapon a few days ago from Willie the bartender. The feeling of the gun felt weird in his hand. He placed it up to his temple and looked at his sad face in the mirror.
"No Xander Don't,' screamed anya in vain at the image that was being shown to her.
Buffy and Willow arrived at Xander's Home and pounded on the door.
"Let us in xander you need help you can talk to a doctor or..." Buffy shouted and then the shot rang out.
"NO!" Willow screamed as Buffy broke the door down with one kick. "How could he have done this. He can't be.."
Willow ran to the now still xander as blood flowed from the gunshot wound. "God xander how could you have done this to me, to us. We were your family"
" I can't believe. I just can't," said Buffy in shock. "He loved her so much but she depended on him so. She gave him the strength to live with her but not without her," said Buffy.
"I can't," said Anya " I can't believe that I did this. I loved xander," said Anya.
"Yes but you loved him too much, you carried him and that is your fear," said the demon "Your first future fear was that you life meant to little to young Xander. In this fear it is that it meant too much" said the demon D'Hoffryn.
"Anya's tear made her body shake and tremble.
"Decide Anyanka to join us now and avoid the humans hell and the grief of the ones you've once cared for. Join Us," smiled D'Hoffryn.
Feedback:Yes. please R/R . This is a mult-part story so the more comments the better the story gets.Distribution: Cool that would be great just ask me 1st.
Note: The last/final chapter of this story will be next. sorry for the delay. should be done by next week.
Chapter 5: Fear Of Death
Anya hears a distant beeping sound and the white pale lights and the pain. It was searing and intense. A pain she had never known before. She squeezed her hand instinctively and felt the presence of someone holding it.
"Who?" she said through cotton mouth.
"It's OK Anya. I'm here," said Xander, his voice cracking with emotion. "I'm here for you"
"Xander? What happened. It hurts so much," she said to him.
"I couldn't protect you Anya. I tried but she was too strong and buffy couldn't.." Xander said again heavy with emotion.
"What's going to happen to me," she said "I feel so cold"
"Maybe we should go and leave you two alone," said Buffy from the distance.
"Buffy?" anya asked.
"Yes it's me Anya. I'm here with willow. You shouldn't exert yourself. You've been through a lot," said Buffy.
"I'm going to die aren't I." Said Anya fighting the feeling to sleep.
"Your not going to die. You were very brave Anya ," said Willow "I'm proud to call you my friend."
"Oh my god willow's complimenting me. I'm sure I'm going to die now. Oh god Xander I'm so afraid," said anya as tears were coming to her eyes.
"It doesn't look good Anya," Xander said honestly "You've lost a lot of blood."
"I can't die Xander I just can't. I'm not ready," said Anya.
"I love you Anya," said Xander holding her. "I'll always love you"
"No please make it stop xander the pain is too bad and I am so sleepy and so cold. I don't like this feeling. Maybe willow can do a spell and…Argh," Anya shouted feeling the pain rip through her.
"You have to take it easy Anya," said Willow "Just take it easy. If your sleepy that's good just let it happen Anya. It may be the best thing," said Willow comforting.
"Oh sure so you can have xander for yourself. I always knew that whole willow is a lesbian is just a smoke screen.," said Anya.
"Oh yes I orchestrated your getting in the way of an Opakra demon and get you guts shredded over a year after me and Tara started going out just to get xander for myself," Said willow.
"I knew it," said Anya getting agitated.
"Damn it Willow do you have to get her upset," said Xander scolding "Can't you just shut up for once."
"Xander." said Buffy trying to comfort him.
"No I don't need any comforting now Buffy I need you to respect Anya for once in her life Damn it. She my life and I can't.. I can't lose her. Not like this," said Xander as he started to weep. Both Willow and Buffy held him as he cried. Anya's eyes wee barely able to focus on what was going on.
"No it can't be happening," said Anya as she watched Xander cry. She wanted to get up and comfort him. She wanted to tell him everything was OK. She couldn't say it. She couldn't do anything. She was helpless. What he said about her was so amazing. He had defended her and said he loved her. He couldn't live without her. Her heart sang when it heard his voice.
She shuttered a bit and then intense pain erupted over her body and nothing. "OH GOD ANYA No!", she heard him scream and suddenly she was looking at herself. Xander was holding her, rocking back and forth. Buffy and Willow put a steady hand on each of his shoulders.
"I loved you Anya. I wanted you to be my wife." he said to her.
She felt as if she was floating above herself and near the top of the room. Her hair had looked so bad and her skin was so pale. She saw the blood that still was evident from the claws of the demon. They had ripped right through her. She looked so peaceful. She felt at peace looking at the chaos around her. She wanted to tell Xander everything was going to be OK. She wanted to tell Willow and Buffy to take care of him for her but she had no words, she had no voice and no body. She was spirit. She was dead.
"She felt lighthearted and then cold again. This was what death was like for a human, she thought to herself. Suddenly the room was spinning and a bright tunnel of light appeared in front of her. She was drawn to it like a moth to a flame. The light seemed so comforting. She felt as if she was flying and could see the tunnel exit but something was wrong. She started to fell a sense of fear as the tunnel neared it's end.
Anya had read stories about beyond and back experiences and had been a demon so she was somewhat familiar with the different dark realms but from a humans perspective she never knew what they were like. She felt guilt and remorse as she got closer to the end of the tunnel. Suddenly she felt hands mauling her and grabbing her.
"Let me see your rabbit hole," one of them shouted.
"A large troll hammer slammed into her Leg and the pain again was intense. The white light had turned to a dark mist and it creeped around her skin.
"Anyanka you have done terrible things that a mere human lifetime could not erase," said a voice in the distance. "You must pay for you sins in this place"
"What are you talking about I helped people I was good," replied Anya.
""You were greedy and selfish and you have inflicted pain on many people. You must be punished Anya. This is your Hell"
Anya felt the stinging feel of Whips and the mocking words of her victims coming back to her.
"Boils. your gave me boils down there," screamed here former Boyfriend as she felt the pain and fear of her anguish. She saw images of her life and her greed. She then saw the future anguish of Xander played out in front of her like a horrible movie. She saw her funeral and the weeping and hand holding.
"Xander you have to snap out of this. You can't let Anya's death eat away at you," Buffy said at Anya's grave site.
"Shut Up buffy. I don't want to hear any fancy words like I feel you pain or I know what your going through. Anya was my life," said xander "She was the only person I've ever known that made me feel like a man. She made me feel like I was special. I felt like I was important and needed and that made me feel good about myself. She made me the man I always knew I could be by believing in me when no one else did and no she's gone and that belief is gone too," said Xander still weeping over Anya's death.
"It's OK Xander I still believe in you," said Anya to the pictures in front of her.
"He can not hear you Anya. It is your presence in his life and now your absence that will cause him to follow his newfound destiny," said The demon.
"What destiny," said Anya.
"Look and you will see my child," he replied.
"Damn it Xander you're scaring me," said Buffy.
"You should be scared," said Xander "because I can't live with this kind of pain"
"You do get over it a bit," said Buffy "I should know when my mom.."
"Damn it Buffy you're the slayer. You had something to drown in a duty to uphold and a whole world to save. That is what keeps you going. I have none of that. Do you think I would have turned my life around got a good job, the new apartment and had any form of direction in my life if it wasn't for Anya. I was a slacker Buffy. I had nothing and now I am left with nothing. The only difference is that now I know what that something is I lost. I know I have nothing and I know what I lost which makes me even more pathetic."
"Xander you have to just calm down before you do something stupid," said Buffy. "Just let me.."
"Get Off Me damn It," said Xander as a fist flung in Buffy's jaw. Xander ran off then before Buffy could catch him.
"Willow it's me," said Buffy into her cell phone. "Meet me at Xandrer's I think he may do something stupid"
"Oh god you don't think," said Willow.
"That's the problem I don't think Xander is thinking at all right now, or maybe he's just thinking too much just meet me there," said Buffy.
Xander raced home in his car thinking about anya all the way home. It had been two weeks since the funeral and he still couldn't face the fact that he was alone he just couldn't face much of anything.
"How could you have left me Anya,' xander shouted to the air " I loved you. I should have been the one to die not you. I should have died"
Xander quickly went up to his room and went to drawer. he had picked up the weapon a few days ago from Willie the bartender. The feeling of the gun felt weird in his hand. He placed it up to his temple and looked at his sad face in the mirror.
"No Xander Don't,' screamed anya in vain at the image that was being shown to her.
Buffy and Willow arrived at Xander's Home and pounded on the door.
"Let us in xander you need help you can talk to a doctor or..." Buffy shouted and then the shot rang out.
"NO!" Willow screamed as Buffy broke the door down with one kick. "How could he have done this. He can't be.."
Willow ran to the now still xander as blood flowed from the gunshot wound. "God xander how could you have done this to me, to us. We were your family"
" I can't believe. I just can't," said Buffy in shock. "He loved her so much but she depended on him so. She gave him the strength to live with her but not without her," said Buffy.
"I can't," said Anya " I can't believe that I did this. I loved xander," said Anya.
"Yes but you loved him too much, you carried him and that is your fear," said the demon "Your first future fear was that you life meant to little to young Xander. In this fear it is that it meant too much" said the demon D'Hoffryn.
"Anya's tear made her body shake and tremble.
"Decide Anyanka to join us now and avoid the humans hell and the grief of the ones you've once cared for. Join Us," smiled D'Hoffryn.
