Sex with pets


ACT ONE
SCENE A

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

GEORGE IS SITTING ON THE SOFA. JERRY WALKS IN FROM THE BATHROOM.

JERRY
Are you reading the lonely hearts again?

GEORGE PUTS 'THE VILLAGE VOICE' DOWN ON THE TABLE.

GEORGE
No. I've never read those.

A BEAT, THEN:

GEORGE
Why would I?

JERRY
No reason. Actually I think itÕs a great
idea, you should do it.

GEORGE
Are you saying I couldn't get a real date?

JERRY
It would be a real date.

GEORGE
I'm not doing it.

JERRY
So you were reading the lonely hearts ........

JERRY IS INTERRUPTED BY A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. THE PHONE RINGS. THEY DO A DOUBLE TAKE.

JERRY
You get the phone.

JERRY OPENS THE DOOR AND KRAMER IS JUST STANDING THERE.

JERRY
Kramer?

KRAMER JUST STANDS THERE, AND SAY'S NOTHING.

JERRY
Kramer? What's up? You look a little shaken.

KRAMER
I can't talk right now. IÕm in shock.

JERRY
What happened? Come in.

KRAMER ENTERS AND PULLS OUT A SMALL PRINTED FORM.

KRAMER
This .. is what happened.

JERRY
What is it?

KRAMER HOLDS IT AT ARMS LENGTH.

JERRY
That's bad. A whole arms length.

JERRY TAKES THE FORM AND READS IT.

JERRY
It's jay-walking ticket !!!

KRAMER
I know !!!!

JERRY
But this is New York !!!!!

GEORGE GETS OFF THE PHONE.

GEORGE
What's going on?

JERRY
Kramer got a ...

KRAMER
... Jay-walking ticket.


GEORGE
But this is New York.

CUT TO:


ACT ONE
SCENE B

INT. ELAINE'S CAR - DAY

ELAINE AND GEORGE.

ELAINE
I hear you're going to do .. 'The Personals'.

GEORGE
Who said that? Jerry, it was Jerry.

ELAINE
(TIMIDLY) It may have been.

GEORGE
Well I'm not. And even if I was I
wouldn't now.

ELAINE
So you were going to.

GEORGE
No!

ELAINE
Then why are you so touchy about it?

GEORGE
(A LITTLE LOUDLY) I am not touchy.

ELAINE
(SARCASTICALLY)
Touchy.

CUT TO:


ACT ONE
SCENE C

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT.

JERRY AND GEORGE

JERRY
Are you doing anything tonight?

GEORGE
(DEFENSIVE) No.

JERRY
That's Ok.

GEORGE
I know it's Ok.

JERRY
Good.

GEORGE
You?

JERRY
Seeing Samantha. Doing a little food thing.


GEORGE
Food thing hey.

JERRY
Food thing. Then a little sleep-over thing.
'Cos she lives way up-town.

GEORGE
(KNOWINGLY) Oh yes, up-town.

GEORGE STARES A LITTLE AT JERRY

GEORGE
First time?

JERRY
(SLIGHTLY EMBARRASSED) First time.

GEORGE
Always the best. (Beat) Nervous?

JERRY
(WITH CONFIDENCE)
Nah ..... (beat) .... a little.
Always the best .......... really?

CUT TO:


ACT ONE
SCENE D

INT. ELAINE'S CAR - DAY


GEORGE
Why is everybody so concerned about my
dating habits all of a sudden?

ELAINE
We just want to see you happy.

GEORGE IS NOT CONVINCED.

ELAINE
My friend Katie did the 'Personals'
once.

GEORGE
Really. What happened?

ELAINE
She ended up dating a guy for quite a while.



GEORGE
That's nice. Did it work out?

ELAINE
He ran off with her sister after 6 months.
But apart from that.

ON GEORGE'S EXASPERATED LOOK.

CUT TO:


ACT ONE
SCENE E

INT. JERRY'S CAR - NIGHT

THEY ARE APPROACHING SAMANTHA'S APARTMENT BUILDING

JERRY
That was fun. I love that restaurant.

SAMANTHA
Italian food makes me feel so passionate.

JERRY
Really.

SAMANTHA
Even the word Linguini makes me hot.

JERRY SLOWS THE CAR.

JERRY
Where shall I park?


SAMANTHA
No. Pull in to the garage. I've got my
clicker thing and my room-mate's out tonight.
We can park in her space (beat) Do you like dogs?

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE
SCENE F

INT. COFFEE SHOP - MORNING

GEORGE IS SITTING AS JERRY WALK'S IN.

JERRY
Hey George.

GEORGE
So .... how'd it go?

JERRY
How'd what go?

GEORGE
How'd what go? ..... Jerry.

JERRY
I don't want to talk about it.

GEORGE
What!

JERRY
I - don't - want - to - talk - about - it

GEORGE
But ...

WAITRESS
Coffee gentlemen?

THE WAITRESS POURS THE COFFEE. ELAINE WALKS IN.

ELAINE
Hi guys.

JERRY AND GEORGE
Hi Elaine.

ELAINE
So, George, are we going to do the
personals thing then? Maybe Jerry could
give you a few tips.

JERRY
Sure.

GEORGE
I don't need tips.

JERRY
So you are going to do it then.

ELAINE
How exciting.

GEORGE
No ....... No No No No.

SILENCE.

GEORGE
That's not what 'we're' talking about here.

ELAINE
So what 'are' we talking about here?

GEORGE
Jerry slept over at Samantha's for the
first time last night.

ELAINE
Always the best. Very significant.
What happened?

GEORGE
He won't say.

ELAINE
(DISAPPROVINGLY) JERRY.

JERRY
She has a dog.

ELAINE
So.

GEORGE
Does it smell.

JERRY
Sure it smells. It has a nos...

BOTH ELAINE AND GEORGE UP 1 FINGER IN DISAPPROVAL.


GEORGE
So she has a dog. Millions of good
people have dogs.

JERRY
It sleeps in her room.

GEORGE
So.

JERRY
Well it wasn't sleeping last night.

ELAINE
You don't mean ....

JERRY
(IN HORROR) No!

ELAINE
Well what.

JERRY
It was watching.

GEORGE
Watching what?

JERRY
Us ... (beat) ... Me.

CUT TO:


ACT ONE
SCENE G

KRAMER IS STANDING AT THE PAYMENTS WINDOW INSIDE COURT BUILDING.

CLERK
How do you want to pay this sir?

KRAMER
Pay this. You must be joking. This,
young lady, is jay-walking ticket.

CLERK
Yes sir.

KRAMER
But this is New York!

CUT TO:


ACT ONE
SCENE H

EXT. NEW YORK STREET - DAY

JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE ARE WALKING BACK FROM THE COFFEE SHOP.

ELAINE
What sort of dog was it?

JERRY
Does that matter?

GEORGE
No ... That's a good question.

JERRY
Why is that a good question?

GEORGE
Well if it had been a Chihuahua then you
wouldn't have been able to see it ...
No problem.

JERRY
No, it wasn't a Chihuahua.

ELAINE
So what was it then?

JERRY
If you must know, it was an Old English
Sheepdog.

ELAINE
How adorable.

JERRY
(EXASPERATED) Adorable. Adorable.
It wouldn't take it's eye's off me ....

A BEAT, THEN:

JERRY
And I couldn't perform.

CUT TO:


ACT ONE
SCENE I

KRAMER IS WALKING OUT OF THE COURT BUILDING.

KRAMER.
(TO A GUARD ON DUTY AT THE DOOR)
Jay-walking ... huh.

HE LEAVES THE BUILDING AND WE HEAR A SCREECH OF TIRES.

KRAMER (O/C)
(Shouting) Hey buddy ... 'This' is New York.

CUT TO:


ACT ONE
SCENE J

INT. - JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY.

JERRY, ELAINE AND GEORGE ENTER JERRY'S APARTMENT.

ELAINE
So what was the dog's name?

JERRY
Elaine!

GEORGE
My Uncle Timothy had an Old English
Sheepdog once, called Shagger.

JERRY
Shagger. What does that mean?

GEORGE
Something in English I expect. He would
never tell us.

THEY PONDER THAT THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT


ELAINE
So now you're blaming the poor dog on
you're lack of manliness.

ELAINE MAKES A HIP THRUSTING GESTURE

JERRY
No. I'm just saying that it put me off my
stroke a little.

ELAINE
Why didn't she put it out.

JERRY
She did. It howled.

ELAINE
I hate it when they do that.

JERRY
You said you liked dogs.

ELAINE
Not dogs ... men.

JERRY AND GEORGE LOOK AT HER SIDEWAYS.

ELAINE
What!

KRAMER BURSTS IN.

JERRY
Kramer. How did it go?


KRAMER
I'm going to court. I got rights.

ELAINE
Court. What's this about?

JERRY
Kramer got a ....

GEORGE
..... Jay-walking ticket.

ELAINE
No.

KRAMER
Yes.

ELAINE
But this is New York !!

GEORGE
Exactly.

ELAINE
(TO JERRY) And I thought you had
problems.

KRAMER
(TO JERRY) Problems, Jerry?

JERRY
I don't have problems.

ELAINE
Jerry couldn't ... erm ... (GESTURES WITH
HAND) ... you know ... perform last night.

KRAMER
OOOOOOwwwwwww.

JERRY
What OOOOOOwwwwwww?

KRAMER
That's a problem. How long has this
been going on.

JERRY
It's not going on.

KRAMER
You can get help for that you know.

GEORGE
You can.

JERRY
(EXASPERATED) Guys.

ELAINE
I have to say in Jerry's defense. I once had
a boyfriend who lived in a high-rise without
drapes.

EVERYBODY LOOKS AT ELAINE.

ELAINE
It just felt like everybody was watching.

GEORGE
And you couldn't perform?

ELAINE
... (AWKWARDLY) .. Not really.

JERRY
Like girls have to 'perform' anyway.

GEORGE
No kidding.

ELAINE
(OUTRAGED) We do so.

JERRY
Can we take a vote on this.

JERRY, KRAMER AND GEORGE ALL HOLD UP ONE HAND IN SOLIDARITY. ON ELAINE'S LOOK.

FADE OUT:
END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO
SCENE K

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

JERRY AND KRAMER. KRAMER IS LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW.

KRAMER
Don't you just love New York?

JERRY
Sure.

KRAMER
Such a happy place.

JERRY
Yep. Any reason for this ... happiness.

KRAMER
Nope! Just happy to be alive.

JERRY
Good.

KRAMER
Are you happy Jerry?

JERRY
Yep.

KRAMER
Good.

A BEAT, THEN:

KRAMER
Have you overcome your little problem then?

JERRY
I don't have a little problem.

KRAMER
(SURPRISED) You mean now it's a big problem?

JERRY
No. I don't 'have' a problem.

KRAMER
But you said you did.

JERRY
I did not !

KRAMER
You said (A LITTLE EMBARRASSED) You couldn't
perform. And that, my friend, is a problem.

ELAINE ENTERS

ELAINE
Hey guys.

THEY ACKNOWLEDGE HER.

JERRY
That's not exactly what I said.

ELAINE
What are we talking about here?

KRAMER
Jerry's problem.

JERRY
I do not have ... A PROBLEM.

ELAINE
The performance problem

JERRY/KRAMER
No/Yes.

ELAINE
Did I come in at an inopportune moment?

JERRY/KRAMER
Yes/No.

ELAINE
Good.

ELAINE JUMPS OVER THE BACK OF THE SOFA AND SITS ON IT EXPECTANTLY.

JERRY
Oh God!

KRAMER, NOW FEELING A LITTLE GUILTY, HEADS TO THE KITCHEN.

KRAMER
Coffee anyone?

JERRY
No thanks, but there's some already made
in the pot.

ELAINE
Not for me thanks.

JERRY
Why is everybody so concerned about my
performance?

ELAINE
Cheap humor.

JERRY
Is that it? You mean you don't really care?

ELAINE
So you do have a problem.

JERRY
No ... A problem just arose in that instance.

ELAINE
Or not, as the case may be.

ELAINE LAUGHS LOUDLY AT HER LITTLE JOKE. JERRY FAKES STRANGLING HER.

KRAMER REJOINS THE GROUP.


KRAMER
Who was it that invented refrigerator magnets.

JERRY
You got me there. Who was it?

KRAMER
I wish I knew. It's good to know that stuff.

JERRY AND ELAINE LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

JERRY
He's right you know.

ELAINE
Oh I know.


THE PHONE RINGS. JERRY ANSWERS IT.

JERRY
Hello.

SAMANTHA (O/C)
Hi Jerry.

JERRY
Hi.

ELAINE MOUTHS THE NAME 'SAMANTHA'. KRAMER MOUTHS BACK 'OH'.

SAMANTHA (O/C)
A friend of mine who plays in a great
blues band just got in to town last
night and they're playing tonight at
The Dive Bar. Would you like to go?


JERRY
The Dive Bar. I don't know that one.

ELAINE POINTS TO THE CEILING AND MOUTHS 'UP-TOWN'.

JERRY SEES THIS AND HESITATES.

JERRY (CONT'D)
Can I call you back in an hour?

SAMANTHA (O/C)
Sure. I'm at work. Bye.

JERRY
Bye.

ELAINE
Do the words 'rock' and 'hard place' mean
anything to you?

KRAMER
Mmmmm. This is goooood coffee.

JERRY AND ELAINE TURN TO LOOK AT KRAMER.

KRAMER (CONT'D)
It is ... You know, if it wasn't for
alcohol and coffee, western civilization
would probably have died out years ago.

JERRY
How so?

KRAMER
If it wasn't for alcohol, the sexes probably
won't hang out in bars together.


ELAINE
And coffee.

KRAMER
You know, when he or she turns to his or her
prospective partner and say's "would you like
to come in for a 'coffee'".

EVERYBODY HOLDS THEIR BREATH. A BEAT, THEN:

KRAMER
(DEFIANTLY) Well we all know what that means.

EVERYBODY MURMURS IN AGREEMENT.

CUT TO:


ACT TWO
SCENE L

INT. GEORGE'S CAR - DAY

GEORGE IS DRIVING AND FIDDLING WITH THE RADIO.
HE LOOKS UP, SEEÕS A JAY-WALKER AND SLAMS ON THE BRAKES.
AS THE SCREECH OF BRAKES DIES DOWN ....

JAY-WALKER (O/C)
Hey buddy, watch where you're goin'

GEORGE SLAPS THE STEERING WHEEL.

CUT TO:


ACT TWO
SCENE M

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

JERRY LOOKS A LITTLE NERVOUS. ELAINE CHECKS HER WATCH.

ELAINE
Half past three Jerry.

JERRY
I know, I know.

ELAINE
5 minutes. Jerry.

JERRY
Really.

ELAINE
What's the big deal?

JERRY
It's not a big deal.

A BEAT, THEN:

JERRY
Ok, it's a big deal. If I don't go she'll
know something's up. If I do go, it,ll be
strange if I don,t stay, 'cos the clubs
up-town (GESTURES AT CEILING) and she's
up-town (GESTURES AT CEILING AGAIN). Why
would I come all the way home alone, when I
could stay up-town (GESTURES) with the very
lovely Samantha. There'd have to be a reason.
What would I say?

ELAINE
Tell her you're allergic to dogs.

JERRY
Lie!

A BEAT, THEN:

JERRY
Besides, ... I've already told her I'm not.

KRAMER
Damn.

ELAINE
Ask her to come down here.

JERRY
can't. She's already asked me to go up
there.

KRAMER
Yer screwed buddy ... finished ... Kaput!

JERRY WALK'S OVER TO THE WINDOW.

JERRY
So I should end it all now?

GEORGE ENTERS, HIDING SOMETHING BEHIND HIS BACK.

GEORGE
I have the solution to Jerry's "problem".

JERRY
I do not have a "problem".

FROM BEHIND HIS BACK, GEORGE REVEALS A PINK, FLUFFY PAIR OF EYE SHADES.
ELAINE AND KRAMER CHEER A LITTLE. JERRY PLACES HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS.

JERRY
OK, I'll call.

SILENCE.

JERRY
Out ..... Out, out, out.

ELAINE, KRAMER AND GEORGE MOVE RELUCTANTLY TOWARDS THE DOOR.
THEY DO NOT CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND THEM.

JERRY
Close it.

JERRY PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS.

SAMANTHA (O/C)
Hello.

JERRY
Samantha. Jerry.

SAMANTHA (O/C)
Hey Jerry, are you Ok for tonight?

AFTER A SLIGHT HESITATION.

JERRY
Sure.

SAMANTHA (O/C)
My place 8.00 o'clock. It'll be nice and
quiet there tonight. My roommates away for the
weekend. She even took Bundle.

JERRY
Bundle?

SAMANTHA (O/C)
My dog.

JERRY
Oh ... the dog that's a shame. I love
dogs. Eight o'clock then.

SAMANTHA (O/C)
See you then, bye.

JERRY
Bye.

JERRY REPLACES THE RECEIVER AND SMILES.
HE THEN WALKS TO THE DOOR, OPENS IT AND ELAINE,
KRAMER AND GEORGE, AS EXPECTED, FALL IN.


GEORGE
So what,s happening then?

JERRY
Her place ... eight o'clock.

KRAMER
And the ... er ... problem.

JERRY
There's no problem.

GEORGE
What about the dog?

JERRY
og. Shmog. No problem.
(TO GEORGE) I have a date.

CUT TO:


ACT TWO
SCENE N

EXT. - NEW YORK STREET - DAY

JERRY IS WALKING DOWN THE SIDE-WALK. HE SEE'S KRAMER WAITING AT THE CROSS-WALK.

JERRY
Kramer.

KRAMER
Oh, hi guys.

JERRY
What are you doing?

KRAMER
Just hanging out.

JERRY
At a cross-walk?

KRAMER JUMPS BACK IN TRUE SHOCK.

CUT TO:


ACT TWO
SCENE O

INT. COFFEE BAR - DAY

ELAINE IS SITTING BY HERSELF READING "THE VILLAGE VOICE"
KRAMER AND GEORGE WALK UP.

KRAMER
That's good.

ELAINE
What's good?

KRAMER
Living by example.

ELAINE
What do you mean?

KRAMER
You do the "personal" thing, so that George
feels better about it. That's good!

GEORGE IS DISTRACTED BY A VERY ATTRACTIVE GIRL AT THE COUNTER.

ELAINE
I am not.

KRAMER
No ... it's Ok ... I won't tell a soul.

ELAINE
But I'm not.

KRAMER
Not one word ..... honest.

ELAINE SEE'S A THE GIRL ACROSS THE ROOM.

ELAINE
Oh my god, there's my friend Katie, that's
so weird, I was just talking about her.

ELAINE CALLS HER OVER. KATIE APPROACHES.

ELAINE
Katie. How are you?

KATIE
Elaine.

ELAINE
I was just talking about you. Funny how
that happens isn't it.

KATIE
How did my name come up.

ELAINE
Well, George is going to do the personals.

GEORGE WHINCES A LITTLE.

ELAINE (CONT'D)
... and I was telling him about what
happened with ... erm ... you know.

KATIE
Oh that guy. I suppose that all worked out
in the long run. He and my sister got
married two months ago. We're good friends
now. What happened to that guy you met?

ELAINE TRY'S TO KICK HER GENTLY UNDER THE TABLE, BUT CATCHES
KRAMER BY MISTAKE, WHO IS PUZZLED.

GEORGE
So, Elaine, you did the personals once.
You never said.

ELAINE
(a touch embarrassed)
You never asked.

GEORGE
This is incredible.

ELAINE
(Checking her watch)
Don't you have to meet Jerry at five o'clock.

GEORGE
Yes, but .....

ELAINE
I believe you're running late then.

GEORGE STANDS UP TO LEAVE.

GEORGE
This is all getting a little too much
anyway.

CUT TO:


ACT TWO
SCENE P

EXT. - NEW YORK STREET - DUSK.

JERRY AND GEORGE REACH THE ENTRANCE OF GEORGEÕS APARTMENT.

GEORGE
So I think I'm going to do it.

JERRY
Absolutely. I'm for it.

GEORGE
I mean this girl, Katie, was really cute and if
it's good enough for her.

JERRY
Maybe there's another Katie out there just for
you.

GEORGE
Exactly. So, do you want to come in for coffee?

FADE OUT:

END OF SHOW