My World - Songfic
            MY WORLD

    Reno woke up in a cold sweat. He couldn't remember the twisted nightmare he had just been through - he was blind to every nightmare except the one he lived in. He felt empty inside.
    Welcome to my world
    Where you grasp the ends but they manage to slip
    Whatever trecherous feeling led him to Shin'ra had now decieved him into a wretched Hell. he used to think that it would bring him a full life - money, women, power. But now the question was not what will I get, because the answer to that was lies and guilt. The question, rather, was - how many people did I kill today?
    Welcome to my world
    Where it's all a lie and the cuts won't die,
    Just bleed and gnaw and rip
    The numbers were endless. He wanted it to stop so badly, but life just pushed him forward. But there was no light at the end of his dark, dreary tunnel.
    Forward I tumble but no light is here
    He was on an end already, and he was only in his mid-twenties. Was it natural for all emotion to be killed at this point in the game? he couldn't gain any insight.
    Is it a tunnel?
    No it's a ledge.
    My lack of emotion
    Has me on edge
    He was so helpless that he sometimes wondered just what it would take to end the dull ache that constantly reminded him what kind of monster hid under the layers of charm and confidence.
    Would it be so bad
    To shed what I thought I had?
    Would it be courage or cowardess to take his own life? He played with the idea constantly - better he take his own life than have Shin'ra do it for him. If he was going to escape, it had to be on his own terms - no matter how fleeting they were.
    Would it be brave to plunge and fall?
    Or instead be pushed by the ones of it all?
    I wonder, and so I pray,
    On this dark night, take me away
    Either way he couldn't stand it. The constant torture of his life, with no emotional outlet because it wasn't allowed.
    Dammit! he cursed silently. I'm forced into this by everyone around me...
    Show me what it means to love
    And I can show you hate
    Try the freedom from the torture
    And I can shake the gate
    He poured a glass of straight scotch. He couldn't even taste it anymore - what he was tasting was his own life energy - bitter, disgusting, yet needed to survive. He was so dependent on his lifestyle, yet abhored it so much. And that was what he regretted. His body went numb at the thought.
    Welcome to this land
    Where you are filled with something gone
    At the last drop of alcohol, he let it slide out of the glass like the tear on his cheek. His hands shook and squeezed at the glass so hard that he made it shatter. And then it all washed away as his body and heart turned back to stone - back to Reno the Turk.
    Welcome to this land
    Where tears and fears are all a ruse
    And you cry and struggle against the abuse
    Any falters in that image were strictly confidential. Nobody even knew about the missing love that ate away at his heart.
    So then I stop
    And look around
    Mandy had broken down a man and put him back together in the precious (and short) hours that they had spent together. She wasn't just a one-night stand - she was a miracle worker. It had been fate that she came along, and he seriously doubted he could find it again...
    They will not know
    The love I killed
    Wrecked after what
    It took to build
    Because she already had a part of him.
    A miracle
    A shred of an angel's wing

    Reno wondered in that dark, lonely night whether she had really mattered or not. At a different perspective, he just as easily could've picked up that glass shard out of contempt - hatred that he had been left and kept thirsty. He needed someone again to show him the other end of the spectrum - the side with red was already upon him. He scratched a bit at the surface of his wrist with that glass shard.
    The shattered glass with which I cut
    Glows red with Evil's eyes
    He snapped out of Misery's trance. He threw the glass down and kicked the other pieces furiously away. He beseeched himself not to inflict any more pain. The physical damage wouldn't lessen or numb the emotional wounds anyway. Instead, he breathed, deep and pained, trying to clear his confused and clouded mind. The ideals of hatred had been so deeply planted into his brain that he could've never imagined a thing like love. He wanted these lies to be vanquished from him, like a cleansing of some sort.
    I reject and so I plead
    Please uproot the poisoned seed
    Because everything he had done right was wrong. Everything he had done wrong was right. Was Shin'ra right or wrong? It was a lose-lose situation. He was trapped, yet pulling vainly on the lock that bound his chains.
    Show me what it means to lvoe
    And I can show you hate
    Try the freedom from the torture
    And I can shake the gate
    He had been cold and hot.
    Exposed and covered.
    Wronged and righted again.
    Everything had been taken from him. First by Shin'ra, then that woman.
    I have been raped
    Of everything I feel
    So raw was he that he didn't even feel like he had anything left.
    Sometimes it doesn't even
    Seem like it was real
    Now where was his loyalty to lie? With Shin'ra? Should he follow his heart? He didn't even have a heart. As a Turk, human nature had been taken away, replaced with bare animal instincts. He pushed it to the back corner of his heart. His deepest emotion was now a newfound one. One of lost strength and depleted pride. Deeper it burned inward this acid of shame.
    It's a feeling hidden deep inside my realm
    He slid back into bed, wallowing in it. He didn't want anyone else to know of his tormet and sin.
    I don't want it uncovered again
    The blood pounded in his head. Reno wished he could just go back to his childhood and innocence. Instead, his visions showed him something else...
    To do so would be
    His bloody, Godforesaken future as head Turk.
    To look into Hell
    New understanding instinctively told him that Mandy had been that safety, reverting back to purity of emotion. But it was only so brief that he could see what she had really been sent for - to show him the life he gave up for the Devil.
    Show me, show me, what this is
    Because it's so unclear
    Now I know just what I've missed:
    The safety from my fear.
    ~Owari~