As We Go On

Yes, I admit it: I'm suffering major writer's blocks at the moment. So this is half of the reason why it took me so long for this part to write. The other half? I've been to Italy for a few days, therefore: No computer for me. I hope that explains it a bit. And I just wanted to say that I'm really, truly sorry.

As We Go On

Part 5

I didn't hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
And I don't want to move a thing
It might change my memory

Oh I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide
I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me

Dido: Here With Me; No Angel

Only a bad dream.

Lying on his back, eyes shut tightly and ears blocking out the sound of the Knight Bus's engine, all James did was silently repeating this sentence over and over again. He liked this sentence. A lot. Four words, simple and yet so beautiful. At this very moment, all he longed for was these four simple words to be true.

The sudden stop of the bus that almost made him take a forward roll brought James out of his daze. Hesitantly, he opened one eye, unwilling to let go of his daydream while, at the same time, knowing that it was nothing more than that.

During the night, Sirius had kicked off his sheets, probably in a bad dream that still seemed to affect him, judging by the way he was shifting and moving uncomfortably, his face slightly distorted in pain. James considered reaching out to wake up his friend, but Sirius himself beat him to it. With a sudden yelp, muffled by his pillow, his eyes sprung open and focussed on thin air in front of him. It took him some time to awake properly and notice James staring at him, but when he did so, he sat up and rubbed his eyes with the knuckles of his left hand, releasing a wide yawn.

"You okay?" James asked finally, keeping his voice as a whisper in order not to disturb the sleeping people around them.

Slowly, almost unsure and not at all like his usual self, Sirius nodded. "Just... a nightmare, I guess. It's fading away, though. Something about Voldemort sending out spies to look for Lily, I think. Some sort of animals. I'm not really sure."

As Sirius had never really gotten the hang of Divination - "Look, I can waste my time trying to make useless and foggy hints such as "Andromeda seems to be oddly distant tonight", or I can spend the time out on the field practicing Quidditch. Now, what do you think I prefer?" -, the chances of him having a prophetical dream were close to zero. James almost decided to dismiss it when something caught his attention.

"Sirius?"

"Hmm?"

"How..." He took a deep breath, then started again. "How do you know it was Voldemort? Did you like... meet him or something?"

James could feel his friend's eyes boring into him for a long time, weighing him. The sound of a sigh coming from Sirius's lips startled James.

"Sirius?" he asked once again, reaching out a hand to touch his friend's arm. He was shocked not only by the suppressed shiver, but also by the strangely muffled sound of Sirius's voice when he spoke.

"Yeah." James had to lean forward to really understand the answer as it was barely above a whisper. "Yeah, I met the Dark Lord. Twice, actually, and believe me, it was one of the worst experiences of my life. They don't exaggerate when they refer to him as a monster, James."

"When?"

"The first time was at the beginning of the past year. The second time? During the summer holidays."

"But... Was it..? I mean..."

Had the situation not been so serious, Sirius would have laughed for sure. He had succeeded in making James speechless that was definitely something he had to remember. Not many people could claim that they had ever seen the captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team at a loss for words.

"You want to know how and why I met him and why I didn't tell you before, right?" Sirius prompted only the ghost of a smile on his face. When James nodded, he took a deep breath. "Well, all those questions belong together, actually. Jay, did you ever notice that whenever I invited you to my house, my parents were never there?"

The boy sitting in front of him shrugged. "Ya, I did. But I thought they were just busy or something."

Sirius laughed humorlessly. "Oh, they were. Believe me, they were very busy trying to brew dangerous potions and testing their new-found knowledge concerning the Unforgivable Curses." He waited for a reaction of his friend, and when James remained silent, he tried not to see that as a sign of rejection and went on with his explication.

"I hardly ever see my parents, James, but who am I to complain? As long as they aren't at home, I don't have to worry about my own sanity. Sadly, I have to worry about those of other people. Anyway, it was one of those rare occurrences when they were at home, and I remember being out in the garden, practicing my Quidditch skills as well as staying out of my so-called parents' way. Suddenly, there was the sound of a loud thud in the house. I didn't worry. Probably just some potion that went wrong, and maybe, if I was lucky, then it had caused some serious damage to my parents. No such luck, of course. The next thing I know is that my father came out of the back door. Behind him, there was another person, but all I could see was the figure of a man, covered by a dark coat, the hood hiding his face.

"Have you ever wished to have the ability to vanish into thin air? That's what I longed for most at this very moment. Imagine me on my broomstick, flying directly over those two and knowing that my father would just about kill me if he found out that I've been within hearing distance of one of his "business conversations", as he used to call it. So, what was I supposed to do? Probably not what I did, but I decided nevertheless to hide and hope that they wouldn't discover me. I didn't really listen to what they were talking about. I guess I thought that as long as I didn't hear anything, I wasn't responsible for their next plan. All I heard was the name Wellington."

Sirius turned away from James and lay down on his back, staring up at the ceiling with unseeing eyes before resuming to tell his story. "A week later, the Daily Prophet reported that a family of wizards had been killed. Their name was Wellington."

He paused once again and peered at James, waiting for his reaction, any reaction at all, but there was none. He sighed. Had he just lost his best friend because of his parents? Well, now that he had come this far, it didn't matter anymore. If James was already disgusted by him, then he could as well tell him the whole story.

"The second time I saw him was about half a year later, and this time I could actually see his face. Though I wished I didn't have to see it. He's not ugly, James. He doesn't look evil. But one look from him and you feel cold inside. - I answered the door that day, and there he was, standing in front of me. He wore the same coat he had worn when I first met him, but without the hood, that's why I could see his face. I didn't hear anything this time, my father sent me away.

"My parents are in Azkaban now, they got caught. My aunt lives with me in our house, Dumbledore made her my guardian. It's a nice change."

James's eyes were directed at him, Sirius could feel it, but he wasn't able to read the expression they held. Disgust, hate, sympathy, everything was possible, the dim light revealed nothing. He slumped against the wall, drawing his knees closer to his body and closed his eyes. All he heard before he felt himself engrossed in a tight hug was the sound of James getting up. A sigh of relief escaped him as he returned the hug and finally dared to fully look at his friend.

"You don't hate me?"

"Hate you?" James's face was an image of complete confusion. "Why the hell should I hate you?"

"Because of my parents."

"Since when are you responsible for the actions of your parents?"

"I'm not, it's just..."

"Is that why you didn't tell me earlier? Because you thought I'd hate you?"

Sirius nodded silently.

"Padfoot, you know that you can trust me, don't you?"

"Yeah, it's just... - Hell, James, I could have saved that family, but I chose to be selfish and didn't tell anything! It's my fault, James. They could still be alive..."

"You were scared."

"That's no excuse. I could and I should have said something to Dumbledore or... Whatever."

"Stop it."

"Huh?"

"Stop blaming yourself for things other people did. It is not and will never be your fault, got it?"

"..."

"Sirius!"

"Yeah. But you know that it is easier to say so than to actually believe it?"

"I know, but it still isn't your fault."

"Hey James?"

"Hmm?"

"Did I ever tell you that you're a very good friend?"

James pretended to frown in thoughts. "Well, I don't know. Not often enough, I think. But as I already know that I'm perfect, it doesn't really matter."

"Jerk! Leave it to you to destroy any emotional moment."

He smirked. "I try my best, you know. I really do."

"I never doubted that."

"Hey, what time is it?"

"Almost 5, I think."

"Sean said we'd be in Diagon Alley at 7, didn't he?"

"Yeah, why? You got a plan to find Lil?"

"Yup."

"Tell me."

"No, not yet. Let's go back to sleep and tell the others when we're all awake. Then I won't have to tell it twice."

Unable to suppress a yawn, Sirius simply nodded and lay down. Stumbling slightly, James went back to his own bed and was asleep within minutes.

***

It was too early to be up. From the fact that the sun hadn't risen yet, Lily assumed that it was around six in the morning. Just as already established: Too early. With a tired groan, she rolled around and closed her eyes again.

Why did it always have to be that cold right before the sunrise? It seemed that half an hour before the first rays of sunshine hit the ground, the air was coldest. Come to think of it, it was only logical, but then again: Who cares about logic when it is so absolutely cold? Lily didn't, and after a few shivering minutes under her thin blanket, all the while cursing in turn the coldness and her inability to find a warmer cover in Diagon Alley, she gave up on sleeping. It was a pity that she hadn't had enough time to make a better choice concerning the things she had needed to buy. Food, this blanket and a book called "The Probably Complete Reference Book - Or At Least We Hope So - Of Every Spell You Could Possibly Need When You're Alone And Far Away From Civilization And Have Only Your Wand With You". Actually, the title had been even longer, but at the moment and in her tired state, this was all she could remember of it.

Still muttering silent curses and avoiding Nero's reproachful stare because of the language she was using, she got up and came to her feet, staggering slightly while stifling a yawn.

It wasn't until his loud meow caught her attention that she noticed the dead snake lying to his paws.

Wow. This was really hard to write, and I'm afraid that it shows. All I can say is: Sorry, and I hope the next part will be better. I'm just pretty stressed right now.

Thanks to all my reviewers and to those who mailed me, at times like this, it's the only way to keep me going.

Siu: As you can see, I didn't give up on this story. And don't worry, your wishes will be fulfilled. Not yet, though. - I officially allow you to safe my stories whereever you want. As long as you don't sell them... Not that anyone would give any money to read them.

Evil Insperaition: You're right, I do have a life, which is why I wasn't able to obey you earlier. Anyway: Thanks for your two reviews! Just thought I should tell you that they left me with a huge grin on my face. As for the poetic part, as you called it, the one in part 3 after we changed to Lily: I don't know what came over me when I wrote that, but I like that part, too. Not that I expect anyone to share my opinion, that's just the way I see things: That mankind is not only stupid enough to destroy their own habitat, but also the one of all animals, plants and so on, and all this with such an arrogance and ignorance that it sometimes amazes me. And yes, I'm done rambling.

Gina: I'm not planning to kill you! I just... Somehow I wasn't able to write that part sooner... Dunno why... Too much stress, I guess...

Broken Starlight: Don't you dare discontinuing your stories just because you think that there are a few better authors out there. If that's what my stories do to people, the I'll just stop writing! Is that a threat now? I don't know...

Amy~*: You're right: I'm not able to answer that... yet.

Hermione Gulliver: I don't think it would be difficult to leave Hogwarts. I mean, we're talking about a school here, not a prison. Then there's the fact that all the students seem to love it, and last but not least: Dumbledore's the director, and he seems to be the kind of man who really trusts his students. Did that make sense?

The DevilChild: Is your question answered now?

Sirius: The part about not deleting my reviews was a little too late, actually. I already did that to most of the reviews I got for Nail...

© Saralea