"The Phaser Heard Round the World"

[Shot of Enterprise circling Earth. Voice over from KIRK]

KIRK
Stardate 5322-point-9. It is five days now since Chief Engineer "Scotty" Scott accidentally flung the Enterprise back in time with a transporter malfunction while rerouting the flux capacitor.

It was only quick thinking by Chief Science Officer Spock that we were able to clear out the smoke from the burned out vacuum tubes and replace the magnetic tape reels in the computer banks.

But now we are trapped in the past and have established orbit around the ancient planet Earth, having received a distress call from the eastern seaboard of North America, sometime around the year 1780.

I am leading a landing party down to the surface of the planet to investigate.

Captain's log: personal. I can only hope that my brief, yet tempestuous affair with Enterprise uchroniologist Dr. Mimi Nelson will not impair her ability to function as a federation officer in the field.


[Shot of landing party beaming onto surface. Set should be a minimalist forest-like design with red sky. Members of landing party include KIRK, SPOCK, MCCOY, MIMI, and 2 SECURITY GUARDS wearing RED SHIRTS]

KIRK
Bones, scan the area.

SPOCK
Captain, I'm picking up life signs nearby

[Close up shot of MIMI, pouting (soft focus)]

MIMI
(gasping) Jim!

[Wide angle shot. 4 BRITISH SOLDIERS and MAJOR ANDRE move onto soundstage, shoot the 2 SECURITY GUARDS, and capture the rest of the LANDING PARTY]

ANDRE
So! Rebel spies. We'll deal with you. Who's your contact? What are you doing here?

KIRK
(restrained by 2 BRITISH SOLDIERS) Go to the devil!

ANDRE
Ha ha ha ha!

[ANDRE and BRITISH SOLDIERS lead their captives off the set.]


[Exterior shot of British camp with much stage business among the SOLDIERS]


[Interior shot, GENERAL CLINTON's tent. ANDRE and MIMI enter. MIMI is now attired in a period costume and acts flirty with ANDRE. ANDRE salutes CLINTON]


(note to wardrobe: 18th century dresses should accentuate Miss Garr's bosom amply, but how much leg and midriff can we show while remaining "authentic" ?)


CLINTON
Major Andre, did you meet your contact?

ANDRE
Not yet, sir. We encountered several spies on the way to the rendezvous and captured them. They were carrying these.

CLINTON
(examining phaser) A very curious pistol. Who's this woman?

[Close up/soft focus on MIMI. Sudden violin and harp music in background]

MIMI
I'm Dr. Mimi Nelson of the USS Enterprise, General Clinton. It's a pleasure to meet you.

[Shot of ANDRE, leering]

ANDRE
Mrs. Nelson was amongst the spies, sir. I believe she's, ah, willing to come over to His Majesty's side now.

[Close up shot of ANDRE's eyebrows undulating]

MIMI
I've had enough of the high and mighty Captain James T. Kirk.


[Interior shot. KIRK, SPOCK, and MCCOY are held captive in a high security canvas tent.]

SPOCK
(peering through a hole in the canvas) Captain, our friend Major Andre is leaving the camp again. I don't see Dr. Nelson with him. I would surmise she is still talking with General Clinton.

MCCOY
Spock! You and your blasted Vulcan logic!

KIRK
Gentlemen, let's not argue. We need to focus on getting out of here before Mimi--err--Dr. Nelson does damage to the time-space continuum. Quick, Bones, start coughing.

MCCOY
Coughing?

KIRK
Yes, it was a 20th Century, I mean 18th Century, method for dealing with sickness back before they cured the common cold. Trust me, this'll work.

MCCOY
(coughing) A-huh! A-huh!

BRITISH SOLDIER
(entering tent) What's this here, then?

KIRK
Quick, Spock. Pinch him!

BRITISH SOLDIER
Ouch!

KIRK
The neck, Spock! Pinch his neck!

[SPOCK gives Vulcan neck pinch to BRITISH SOLDIER, who collapses]


[Exterior shot. KIRK, SPOCK, and MCCOY run unobserved across the British camp to GENERAL CLINTON's tent]


[Interior shot, CLINTON's tent]

MCCOY
Our phasers!

KIRK
And our communicators. (Picking up communicator from the table top) Scotty, three to beam up. Now!

[CLINTON and 3 SOLDIERS burst into tent and fire at KIRK, SPOCK, and MCCOY as they "beam up"]

CLINTON
Huh?


[Interior shot, the bridge of the Enterprise. KIRK, SPOCK, and MCCOY come through the futuristic "sliding" doors. SULU, CHEKHOV, and UHURA are already on the set]

KIRK
Status, Mr. Sulu

SULU
I'm tracking Major Andre right now, Captain. He's heading through the woods and he's about to meet up with someone in a blue uniform.

KIRK
That would be the American general, Benedict Arnold. We've. Got. To. Stop. Them.

SPOCK
Captain, I remind you of the Prime Directive that prohibits any Federation officer from interfering in the development of pre-warp humanoid cultures.

KIRK
But Spock, that refers to living, breathing cultures. This culture isn't alive--they own slaves, they have taxation without representation, they're backwards. And besides, their culture is dumb. We have to save them from themselves.

[SPOCK nods in agreement]

UHURA
(spinning in her techno-futuristic swivel chair) Captain, I'm scared.

KIRK
Whatever.

CHEKHOV
Kiptin, I've located Major Andre. His signal indicates he's carrying Dr. McCoy's tricorder.

MCCOY
(slapping forehead) D'oh!

KIRK
Scotty, have a landing party meet us in the transporter room immediately. We've got to go back and get our stuff!


To be continued