"The Phaser Heard Round the World"
[Exterior shot of forest. LANDING PARTY consisting of KIRK, SPOCK, MCCOY, and 3 SECURITY GUARDS wearing RED SHIRTS beams onto planet.]
SPOCK
(looking at tricorder) Captain, Major Andre and the doctor's tricorder are just over this rise.
[The LANDING PARTY walks off set]
[Exterior shot with the fake shrubbery slightly rearranged to suggest it's a different part of the forest. The LANDING PARTY watches MAJOR ANDRE get pursued and captured by 3 AMERICAN SOLDIERS. Suddenly MCCOY coughs]
FIRST SOLDIER
Look! Redcoats!
[The AMERICAN SOLDIERS fire their rifles and the 3 SECURITY GUARDS fall down. The AMERICAN SOLDIERS get out their powder horns and ramrods to start reloading]
KIRK
(to Spock and McCoy) Quick, surrender before they fire again.
SPOCK
But Captain--
KIRK
Just follow my orders, Spock.
MCCOY
And none of your blasted Vulcan logic!
FIRST SOLDIER
You there, you spies! You're coming with us!
[The AMERICAN SOLDIERS march the LANDING PARTY and ANDRE off screen. Lurking in the bushes is GENERAL BENEDICT ARNOLD, who limps off toward CLINTON's camp]
[Exterior shot, Washington's camp at West Point. GENERALS WASHINGTON and KNOX and COLONEL HAMILTON are looking about for ARNOLD]
(Note to Casting: is it still possible to get James Arness to cameo for the Washington role? I know our pay isn't competitive, but it's a fairly small role and I'm pretty sure we can get Shatner to give up his "star" dressing room for the week.)
WASHINGTON
Now where the devil did that General Arnold get off to?
HAMILTON
Your Excellency! Our sentries are approaching.
[The 3 AMERICAN SOLDIERS with PRISONERS in tow, approach WASHINGTON. THEY exchange salutes]
FIRST SOLDIER
General Washington, sir, we've captured these spies trying to cross into our lines.
WASHINGTON
Spies, eh? No doubt trying to hook up with that traitor Benedict Arnold. Well, we'll hang the lot of them if they can't give us Arnold in exchange.
[Close up shot of MCCOY reacting to this news, then fainting]
WASHINGTON
March the rest of these men to the stockade. General Knox, see to this injured man.
KNOX
Damn it, General, I'm an engineer, not a doctor.
[Interior shot, CLINTON's tent. CLINTON chases MIMI around the table in the tent. He nearly corners her, until she clonks him over the head with a Paul Revere silver plate and runs off into the woods.]
CLINTON
(calling out from the tent) Guards! After her!
[Exterior shot, the forest with the plastic shrubbery rearranged yet a different way. MIMI runs into ARNOLD as he heads toward the British camp. Soft focus close up on MIMI. Violin and harp music swells]
MIMI
General Arnold!
ARNOLD
You know me, madam?
MIMI
(getting a sly smile) Yes, I'm from the future. In my time, the 23rd Century, you're quite famous for tricking the British spy John Andre into betraying himself and then saving General Washington by killing his would-be assassin, Captain James T. Kirk.
ARNOLD
I am? That is, I do?
MIMI
Absolutely. And in gratitude, King, I mean "General" Washington--sorry, you weren't supposed to hear that--names you Duke, I mean "Governor" of Connecticut. And then he's going to give you lots of gold.
ARNOLD
For saving his life, you say?
MIMI
Absolutely. But you'll need to hurry back to West Point. It's almost the exact time that the villainous Captain Kirk ties to kill the great General.
[Interior shot, Washington's headquarters. WASHINGTON is interrogating a seated KIRK, with HAMILTON beside him]
WASHINGTON
Very well, spy. You can begin by telling me your name and where you're from.
KIRK
I'm Captain James T. Kirk of the United Federation of Planets and I'm no spy.
HAMILTON
Not a spy? Then why is a military officer running around dressed like a common laborer? And what is that thing on your uniform?
KIRK
It's the Nike swish, the symbol of the Federation's official sponsor. And this uis/u my uniform. Now if you'll let me explain--
WASHINGTON
The only thing you'll explain, "Captain," is where Benedict Arnold is. Give up that Judas and I'll let you and your pointy-eared friend off with just a prison sentence.
KIRK
And a good flogging to boot, I suppose.
WASHINGTON
Sir, this is the United States' Continental Army. We do not flog people here.
HAMILTON
We whip them. It's called flogging in the navy.
[There is a scream from off set. WASHINGTON, HAMILTON, and KIRK look up to the ceiling and run out the door]
[Interior shot of upstairs bedroom. PEGGY SHIPTON ARNOLD is in her jammies and is screaming hysterically, sitting on the bed. WASHINGTON, HAMILTON, and KIRK run in]
WASHINGTON
Mrs. Arnold!
PEGGY
Stop! They're trying to kill me! They're all out to kill me!
WASHINGTON
Mrs. Arnold, you've got to calm down.
KIRK
I'll handle this.
[KIRK grabs and embraces PEGGY. Soft focus close up shot of them smooching. Quick-then-lingering violin crescendo overdub. PEGGY slowly and calmly opens her eyes, entranced]
PEGGY
Oh, my. I don't know what came over me.
HAMILTON
You've got to teach me how to do that.
WASHINGTON
Captain Kirk, traitor or not, no one macks on an officer's wife like that. I will see you punished, sir.
[Slow military drumbeat overdub]
To be continued...
[Exterior shot of forest. LANDING PARTY consisting of KIRK, SPOCK, MCCOY, and 3 SECURITY GUARDS wearing RED SHIRTS beams onto planet.]
SPOCK
(looking at tricorder) Captain, Major Andre and the doctor's tricorder are just over this rise.
[The LANDING PARTY walks off set]
[Exterior shot with the fake shrubbery slightly rearranged to suggest it's a different part of the forest. The LANDING PARTY watches MAJOR ANDRE get pursued and captured by 3 AMERICAN SOLDIERS. Suddenly MCCOY coughs]
FIRST SOLDIER
Look! Redcoats!
[The AMERICAN SOLDIERS fire their rifles and the 3 SECURITY GUARDS fall down. The AMERICAN SOLDIERS get out their powder horns and ramrods to start reloading]
KIRK
(to Spock and McCoy) Quick, surrender before they fire again.
SPOCK
But Captain--
KIRK
Just follow my orders, Spock.
MCCOY
And none of your blasted Vulcan logic!
FIRST SOLDIER
You there, you spies! You're coming with us!
[The AMERICAN SOLDIERS march the LANDING PARTY and ANDRE off screen. Lurking in the bushes is GENERAL BENEDICT ARNOLD, who limps off toward CLINTON's camp]
[Exterior shot, Washington's camp at West Point. GENERALS WASHINGTON and KNOX and COLONEL HAMILTON are looking about for ARNOLD]
(Note to Casting: is it still possible to get James Arness to cameo for the Washington role? I know our pay isn't competitive, but it's a fairly small role and I'm pretty sure we can get Shatner to give up his "star" dressing room for the week.)
WASHINGTON
Now where the devil did that General Arnold get off to?
HAMILTON
Your Excellency! Our sentries are approaching.
[The 3 AMERICAN SOLDIERS with PRISONERS in tow, approach WASHINGTON. THEY exchange salutes]
FIRST SOLDIER
General Washington, sir, we've captured these spies trying to cross into our lines.
WASHINGTON
Spies, eh? No doubt trying to hook up with that traitor Benedict Arnold. Well, we'll hang the lot of them if they can't give us Arnold in exchange.
[Close up shot of MCCOY reacting to this news, then fainting]
WASHINGTON
March the rest of these men to the stockade. General Knox, see to this injured man.
KNOX
Damn it, General, I'm an engineer, not a doctor.
[Interior shot, CLINTON's tent. CLINTON chases MIMI around the table in the tent. He nearly corners her, until she clonks him over the head with a Paul Revere silver plate and runs off into the woods.]
CLINTON
(calling out from the tent) Guards! After her!
[Exterior shot, the forest with the plastic shrubbery rearranged yet a different way. MIMI runs into ARNOLD as he heads toward the British camp. Soft focus close up on MIMI. Violin and harp music swells]
MIMI
General Arnold!
ARNOLD
You know me, madam?
MIMI
(getting a sly smile) Yes, I'm from the future. In my time, the 23rd Century, you're quite famous for tricking the British spy John Andre into betraying himself and then saving General Washington by killing his would-be assassin, Captain James T. Kirk.
ARNOLD
I am? That is, I do?
MIMI
Absolutely. And in gratitude, King, I mean "General" Washington--sorry, you weren't supposed to hear that--names you Duke, I mean "Governor" of Connecticut. And then he's going to give you lots of gold.
ARNOLD
For saving his life, you say?
MIMI
Absolutely. But you'll need to hurry back to West Point. It's almost the exact time that the villainous Captain Kirk ties to kill the great General.
[Interior shot, Washington's headquarters. WASHINGTON is interrogating a seated KIRK, with HAMILTON beside him]
WASHINGTON
Very well, spy. You can begin by telling me your name and where you're from.
KIRK
I'm Captain James T. Kirk of the United Federation of Planets and I'm no spy.
HAMILTON
Not a spy? Then why is a military officer running around dressed like a common laborer? And what is that thing on your uniform?
KIRK
It's the Nike swish, the symbol of the Federation's official sponsor. And this uis/u my uniform. Now if you'll let me explain--
WASHINGTON
The only thing you'll explain, "Captain," is where Benedict Arnold is. Give up that Judas and I'll let you and your pointy-eared friend off with just a prison sentence.
KIRK
And a good flogging to boot, I suppose.
WASHINGTON
Sir, this is the United States' Continental Army. We do not flog people here.
HAMILTON
We whip them. It's called flogging in the navy.
[There is a scream from off set. WASHINGTON, HAMILTON, and KIRK look up to the ceiling and run out the door]
[Interior shot of upstairs bedroom. PEGGY SHIPTON ARNOLD is in her jammies and is screaming hysterically, sitting on the bed. WASHINGTON, HAMILTON, and KIRK run in]
WASHINGTON
Mrs. Arnold!
PEGGY
Stop! They're trying to kill me! They're all out to kill me!
WASHINGTON
Mrs. Arnold, you've got to calm down.
KIRK
I'll handle this.
[KIRK grabs and embraces PEGGY. Soft focus close up shot of them smooching. Quick-then-lingering violin crescendo overdub. PEGGY slowly and calmly opens her eyes, entranced]
PEGGY
Oh, my. I don't know what came over me.
HAMILTON
You've got to teach me how to do that.
WASHINGTON
Captain Kirk, traitor or not, no one macks on an officer's wife like that. I will see you punished, sir.
[Slow military drumbeat overdub]
To be continued...
