"The Phaser Heard Round the World"


[Exterior shot, WASHINGTON's camp. An AMERICAN SOLDIER drums a steady beat while 2 AMERICAN SOLDIERS tie KIRK to the lashing post. WASHINGTON, KNOX, HAMILTON, and PEGGY stand to review, while 2 MORE AMERICAN SOLDIERS guard SPOCK and MCCOY]

(note to Casting--Juanita, can we afford this many extras? I'm sure we saved money on that Tribble episode. If the budget dept. kvetches, maybe we can throw this by Desi ?)


SPOCK
(whispering to McCoy) Doctor, the situation looks precarious. Can you cough or faint to create a diversion?

MCCOY
(whispering to Spock) Why should I do all the coughing and fainting, you elf-eared poophead? Maybe it's your turn to create a diversion.


[Interior shot, bridge of the Enterprise. SCOTTY is in the captain's chair]

CHEKHOV
Meesterl Scott, I'm picking up a Klingon wessel leading a flotilla of British frigates right down the Hudson River toward West Point. I think they're going to attack the Kiptin!

SCOTTY
Well, the captain's orders were not to interfere dirrrectly, but mebbe I kin just shek her up a wee bit. Mister Sulu, let's give her a test of what the old Enterprrrise can duu.

UHURA
Actually, no. You really ought to just blow up the Klingons.

SCOTTY
(disappointed) Oh, alright.


[Shot of KIRK at whipping post. AMERICAN SOLDIERS rip his shirt off. KIRK winces manfully]


[Close up of PEGGY, who gasps, swoons, and faints at sight of KIRK shirtless]

[Shot of KIRK, taking a series of sharp lashes like a man]

[Shot of approaching Klingon wessel zooming down the Hudson toward West Point to overdub of exciting battle music]


[Close up of ARNOLD and MIMI emerging from behind some plastic bushes, into Washington's camp at West Point]

ARNOLD
General Washington! Quick, get your cannons ready! There's a Klingon ship flying straight at us! The British mean to capture West Point!

WASHINGTON
General Knox, see to your twenty pounders. We'll show those Tories a thing or two.

[KNOX and AMERICAN SOLDIERS run and start loading cannons overlooking the Hudson]

[SPOCK and MCCOY break loose and free KIRK. HAMILTON and 2 AMERICAN SOLDIERS run after them. A bunch of STUNT DOUBLES beat the stuffing out of each other]

WASHINGTON
More guards! Quickly, the prisoners are loose!

ARNOLD
General Washington, you're safe. Good. I see my feint flushed out those assassins. You'd better come with me, Your Excellency.


[Shot of Klingon vessel with battle music overdub. Interior shot of GENERALS CLINTON, HOWE, and K'TANG biting their lips eagerly aboard the Klingon vessel's bridge. Shot of Enterprise to more battle music. Enterprise fires phasers]


[Exterior shot of KNOX at his cannons]

KNOX
The Klingons are coming, the Klingons are coming. On my word boys ...and ...FIRE!

[American twenty-pounders fire. Shot of Klingon vessel blowing up as phasers strike it. Shot of KNOX and AMERICAN SOLDIERS shouting for joy]

[Exterior shot of the LANDING PARTY, having just beat up the CONTINENTALS]

KIRK
Where's Dr. Nelson and Benedict Arnold?

HAMILTON
(from ground) They just rushed General Washington to safety from your assassins, spy.

[KIRK runs off set towards them]


[Exterior shot of ARNOLD, MIMI, and WASHINGTON walking toward guard house. Just as ARNOLD pulls out a phaser and levels it at WASHINGTON's back, KIRK runs on set, jumps through the air, and takes out ARNOLD and WASHINGTON with a flying body slam. ARNOLD gets up and holds a phaser up to MIMI's head]

ARNOLD
Don't move or the girl gets it. I know how to use this thing.

WASHINGTON
So, Benedict. It seems you were no gentleman after all!

ARNOLD
Yes, and I'd have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids.

[ARNOLD, holding MIMI hostage, begins to back up toward the plastic forest set pieces. Suddenly PEGGY, holding a phaser in her two quivering hands, emerges from behind a cherry tree]

PEGGY
No, I won't let you leave me for that girl!

MIMI
"Girl?"

ARNOLD
Peggy, no! It's not what it seems! I'm doing this all for you!

[ARNOLD and PEGGY turn on each other, fire their phasers and disappear in a blaze of light. MIMI falls into KIRK's arms and sobs]

WASHINGTON
Kirk, I misjudged you. It seems I owe you an apology. You have truly shown me how the ends justify the means.

KIRK
(shaking Washington's hand) Sir, the honor is all mine.

[SPOCK and MCCOY enter as MIMI continues to sob in soft focus close up]

SPOCK
Captain, the Klingon ship is destroyed. I believe the timeline is completely restored to normal.

KIRK
Good. Let's get the blazes out of here. Scotty, four to beam up.

[As WASHINGTON salutes them, the LANDING PARTY fades into static. Roll credits]

End

(Harlan--excellent first draft! I'm sure Gene will be eager to run with it. If budget gets to be too big an issue, I'm sure we can 86 the research department on this ep. We'll take a lunch with Desi and get back to you soon.)