"I failed you," Merlin choked.
Arthur looked away. Merlin stared at the lake, tears blurring his vision. The water was the same dead gray as the sky.
"You didn't fail me, Merlin," Arthur said quietly.
"I—"
"You didn't."
Merlin took a shuddering breath. "I messed up. I should have—"
"Camelot is still standing, isn't it?" Arthur turned away from the lake. "You need to come back."
"I don't know if I can," Merlin whispered.
"Well, your king commands it," Arthur said. "I know that doesn't usually mean much to you, but I do hope you'll listen just this once."
Merlin looked at him. Arthur looked steadily back, his eyes lined with peace and understanding. "Alright," Merlin said finally. "Alright."
Arthur smiled. Merlin turned, and put the lake behind him.
ooo
Gwen was in Gaius' chambers, flipping slowly through Merlin's spell book. She looked as if she had aged years since Merlin had seen her last.
"Gwen," he said softly.
"Merlin!" He was in her arms in an instant, and now the tears he'd fought so hard to hold back were filling his eyes again. "I was so worried, I thought—"
"I'm sorry."
Gwen leaned back so she could look at him. "I don't want you to keep punishing yourself, Merlin," she said seriously. "It won't help anyone."
Merlin looked down. "How can you not hate me?"
"Because you are my friend. Look at me." With difficulty, Merlin did. Gwen pressed his hands between both of hers. "Please, don't distance yourself from us. We're here with you."
Arthur entered the room behind him. "She's right, you know."
Gwen nodded, encouraging, and Merlin managed a small smile. "Come. Let's go find something to eat, shall we?" She hooked her arm through his and led the way from the room. Arthur smiled at them as they passed, and followed.
ooo
"We thought you'd gone for good this time," Percival said. The sun had finally made an appearance from behind the clouds today, but the light felt harsh and glaring against the stones of the courtyard.
"I thought so too," Merlin admitted. "I thought it might be better."
Percival shook his head. "I know grief—for your own mistakes as much as for people. It's never better to bear it alone."
Merlin looked up at him. "Your family," he remembered.
"I had Lancelot," Percival said. "He helped me find purpose again." His eyes met Merlin's. "Let us help you."
The gentleness in his voice was too much. Merlin wanted to run from it, back into the forest, back to the lake, away somewhere where no one could see the failures carved into his skin. How was he meant to move on from this?
Arthur appeared across the courtyard. He caught Merlin's eye, raised a hand in greeting, and turned away. "I'm sorry," Merlin said to Percival, and went after him.
ooo
"Why did you ask me to come back?" Merlin demanded. "It's not getting any better."
Arthur leaned back against the table and crossed his arms. "Isn't it?"
"No," Merlin said, but even he could tell his tone was petulant.
"You came back only three days ago, Merlin. After being gone for three weeks. You almost—"
"Almost. I did come back right after—after, but you know why I couldn't stay."
Arthur studied him. "No one blames you."
"I blame me!"
"So you think going off on your own is going to help you work through that?"
Merlin shook his head. "Since when are you so sensitive to my feelings?"
"Merlin," Arthur said softly.
The fight drained out of Merlin. He was incredibly tired.
"Please," Arthur said, and the word was so unexpected Merlin's eyes snapped up. "I know you would not let me be alone after something like that. No matter how much I thought myself at fault."
Merlin swallowed. "They're being too kind."
"You'd rather they yelled at you."
"Yes!"
Arthur sighed. "Very well, then," he said, standing. "If you won't do it for yourself, then I would remind you I'm not the only one you swore to protect. Camelot still needs you. Guinevere still needs you."
"They don't—"
"They do. Stay with them. For me."
Arthur left. Merlin stood alone in the semi-darkness of his chambers, watching dust layer softly onto the table.
ooo
Merlin hesitated in the doorway of the armory, watching as Leon organized the weapons the newest recruits had haphazardly put away. He hadn't exchanged many words with the knight since he'd returned for the second time.
"Leon."
Leon stopped, then turned. "Merlin," he greeted. Was Merlin imagining the stiffness in his voice?
Merlin nodded at the weapons. "How do they look?"
Leon sighed and continued hanging the axes. "The war claimed many good men. We need to replace them. They'll improve, in time."
"Right."
A glance, and Leon looked away again. "Look, Merlin…"
Merlin's chest tightened. "Yes?"
Leon stopped what he was doing and faced him. "If you're wondering, I don't mean to avoid you. It's only… it's such a big secret you kept all these years. And I know you only ever strove to protect Arthur. To protect all of us. It's just been… difficult to wrap my head around. I'm not upset with you. I'm sorry if I made you think that I was."
Merlin stared at him. "That isn't what I—don't you blame me? For what happened?"
"No, of course not. It was not you who—"
"Did you want him to blame you?" Arthur said from behind him.
Merlin jumped, spinning to look at him. "What?"
Leon frowned, eyes darting behind Merlin and then back to him again. "I know you did all you could to save him, Merlin."
Merlin couldn't look at him. "It wasn't enough."
Leon was quiet for a moment. "Sometimes we fail," he said softly. "We still have to live on."
ooo
The day Gwen asked him to be on her council, Merlin ran.
He ended up in the clearing where he had always met with Kilgarrah; Kilgarrah, who was also now dead and gone. Would it ever end? How many bodies would Merlin leave in his wake?
"What are you doing?"
Merlin blinked up at the sky. It was awash in the reds and pinks and golds of sunset, beautiful in a melancholy sort of way. "I can't do it."
Arthur dropped down next to him. "Why not?"
"I can't—" Merlin turned his head to look at him. "You are my king."
Arthur leaned back on his hands, unimpressed. "And Guinevere is your queen."
"That's not—" Merlin groaned. "Of course she's my queen. I just don't—"
"I thought I asked you not to leave her. For both your sakes."
Merlin swallowed. "I don't know how I'm supposed to be there if you're not."
"You're your own person, Merlin," Arthur said softly. "I cannot be all that sustains you. You need to live your life."
"That's surprisingly considerate of you," Merlin said, because anything else felt too big.
"Merlin," Arthur said, and Merlin sighed.
"Does it have to be in Camelot?"
"No," Arthur conceded. "But if you're going to leave only to drown yourself in your grief and guilt then that is no life at all."
They lay there for a time, quiet. Blue deepened to purple above them, and Merlin saw the first star appear.
"Everything I strove for," Merlin whispered, "gone, just like that."
Arthur hummed. "You know, a wise man once told me that we have a choice as to how to go about our destinies."
Tears filled Merlin's eyes. "He does sound wise."
"He is," Arthur agreed. "But sometimes he can be a bit of an idiot."
Merlin snorted, a wet laugh that turned into shaky crying.
"Go back, Merlin," Arthur said softly. "You still have Gwen. You still have Gaius and Percival and Leon. Show them they still have you, too."
"Tomorrow," Merlin said. "I'll go back tomorrow."
"Tomorrow," Arthur agreed.
And so Merlin lay there, letting the tears come as they may, greeting the stars as they emerged, and watching as the world turned slowly, inexorably on.
