NEEDING TO LEAVE

AUTHOR'S NOTE/DISCLAIMER

Takes place at the end of "A Good Man" so spoilers for that episode and involves an idea that I've wanted to write for a while, though I don't know if I'll ever return to it. Belongs to Dick Wolf and NBC. Changes Jay's conversation with Voight just a little bit.

"If you don't want to be me…" Voight began to say. Don't want him to leave. Got to make him see that I won't let him turn into something he doesn't want to be, he thought to himself.

"No, it's worse than that. I do. I do want to be you," Jay responded. He fell silent for a moment. "I was a twin," he finally confessed. He needs to know. He needs to understand why I can't stay, he thought. He owed the man that much.

"What?" Voight asked. What's that got to do with anything? he wondered.

"Yeah," Jay confirmed. "And you know Dad, he had us pegged us right from the beginning. Good boy, bad boy. Oh we tried to fight the labels, but you know, like I said, Dad had us pegged," he continued. And that was what hurt the most, that there was just no fighting the truth.

"And let me guess: you were the good twin," Voight commented with a soft chuckle. He couldn't be anything else, he mused. The kid was one of the straightest arrows he knew.

"No. That was Ryan. I was the bad one," Jay corrected. At this, Voight stared at him in surprise. Who the hell is Ryan? Is that his twin? he wondered. "Ryan was the one who followed the rules, did everything right. I was the one always in trouble. Until I joined the Army. The Army taught me how to be good. Forced out my natural instincts," the younger man admitted.

"Jay," Voight said in surprise. Why would he think he's not a good man? He's one of the best men I know, he mused.

"And that's why I gotta go back. I'm losing that. I'm becoming what I used to be," he confessed. And that scares me. What if I get someone else hurt or killed? What if this time it's Hailey? he wondered. His wife meant more to him than anything in the world and he'd never forgive himself if he lost her because he was too tempted to get back into old habits.

"Well, the moment you're ready, you'll always have a home with us," the older man stated.

"Thanks," Jay said. For a moment, both men were silent and then Jay raised his hand, holding it out to Voight who took it and shook it. Then, Jay headed for the airport.

"Hey, whatever happened to Ryan?" At this, Jay turned around.

"He died…shortly before high school grad. Car crash. My fault." Then, he walked into the airport, leaving Hank to stare after him in shocked concern.