Ch. 5: Yamato

I woke up in complete darkness. Complete and utter darkness swirled around me,
prying, examining me. I squirmed uncomfortably as delicate finger of nothing but smoke
brushed against my ribs, and felt my clothing. All at once, it begin to travel upwards,
until the hand cupped my face. Then I felt a rush of dread as more hands began to surround
me, in a seemingly circle formation, looking at me, poking and probing until I felt exposed
to them. There was no sound in this, just the rustle of my clothes and the soundless of the
black around me, thick and pulsating. It grated upon my nerves horribly, this silence, this
darkness. It seemed like the world was sucked devoid of life, the aftermath of a battle
between light and dark, and the only things left were the dead copses and the shadow-hungry
wraiths that picked the scant meat off the meager bones for a living. And now, I realized,
was I dead? Was this the aftermath of my battle with my life? Was this the End for me?

Was Tai still alive?

Yes, the memories began to surge forth through me now, the joy and happiness my life
had, mixed with all emotions, all situations, until I felt heady with dizziness from all the
remembering. The dark hands backed away, not knowing this brightness I began to feel. I
felt my heart almost burst out with overfilling happiness at the fact when he said he did,
he did, he did. But I just stood, staring, looking at him incredulously, and he took that
as a no, and ran away from us. He said it was because of the memories, especially the bad
ones. I don't have to say anything to mean that I was one of them. Tai...he deserved an
answer, at the very least. He at least deserved me to go "What?" or "Did you say
something?", but all he got was a blank face, eyes stirring with disbelief, and a posture
that suggested that I was mad at him. Needless to say, when he was running away, I hated
myself. Tai wasn't in love with me anymore. I had asked him straight out when we got to
Japan. Nothing. He just looked at me straight in the eye and said, "Iiee, Matt, I don't
love you anymore." I felt my heart crack at the, but then I realized that he had waited for
longer than me. He probably had somebody else on his mind, just not me. Tai doesn't love
me anymore, and though it's a painful fact, I faced it, and have accepted it. He just
doesn't like me anymore.

Then why does he have that look in his eyes every time he sees me? Did he lie when
he said he didn't love me? After he said it, I swore I had heard crying in the room he had.
But then I put my ear to the door, and heard nothing. No sobs, no nothing. I had even
knocked on the door, asking, "Daijoubu ka, Tai?". The door had immediately opened, and
there was Tai, dry-eyed, nothing happening, just a manila folder in hand and a pencil tucked
behind his ear. Nothing was wrong. He asked me, "Yeah, nan desu ka?"

I had no reply, just smiled and walked away. I could feel his puzzled eyes on me as
I did so, and felt a pang of guilt course through me like a knife. I had never meant to
hurt him like that...all I ever did was cause trouble for the team. I always argued with
him, but in the very end, I fell in love with him. Not just because of his never-ending
love for soccer, his personality, his looks, but because he's so...Tai. He never tried to
be someone else, never tried to wear 'in' clothes, never tried to do anything that wasn't
his style, because he was the headstrong, stubborn jerk as I had always known him.

How I fell in love with such an incompetant fool, I'll never know. But whatever way
I fell in love with him, I hope that he's thinking of me now. Are they worried? Yeah, they
are. At least, T.K. would be. T.K., the brother I always knew, but never got the chance
to spend time with. I loved him so much...but we couldn't see each other all that often. I
hated it, but then I realized that T.K. didn't need me anymore, at least not as much. I had
split up the team, but as they say, "Distance makes the heart grow fonder." I wonder if he
took that to heart...but I guess there was no time to decide that. I didn't move for a
little while, just thought of nothing but the other DigiDestineds' plight. Would they try
and get me back? Yeah, of course. But if they didn't find me, what would they do? Would
they just leave me to die?

And most of all, would Tai leave me to die? Did he truly want me to leave? He had
changed so much since he had moved to America. It wasn't even funny. His voice caught on
little snatches of Japanese that he seemed to have forgotten, and there were a few syllables
that he couldn't pronounce as fluently as he did before. But his English was perfect.
Flawless. Even though he wasn't born there, he had no accent that I knew of, and could
translate back and forth effortlessly, without a thought. These 2 languages came to him
like nothing. He swallowed them like tough medicine that benefited him. He was the
educated one of us, now. He had felt more isolation than any of us, and that had changed
him in ways I couldn't even begin to describe. He was not as talkative, not as happy, but
inside, there was still the old reluctant Tai, not agreeing to any compromise without a
fight, not giving in without an argument, no surrendering until he had gotten a decent
beating. He was the most impulsive boy/man I had ever met. And I would go to the ends of
the Earth to make sure that never changed.

Suddenly I felt a great weariness overcome me, covering me like a blanket. It
surrounded me, not warmly, not coldly, but it was a comfort, and I leaned upon it, and
promptly fell asleep.

* dream *

"Matt!", he cried, and threw his arms around him. The blonde fell back a few steps,
but after a few moments a small smile crept upon his face. Gradually, slowly, he lifted his
arms, and gently put them around the younger, and let the brunette sob into his arms.
Roughly, the brunette nuzzled the boy's shirt a few times, soaking it with tears, but the
older just looked down, and patted the head that held the goggles. The younger looked up
for a moment, then let go, and they just stood, looking at each other, scrutinizing.
Slowly, as if not to startle him, the older reached out a hand, a gesture of friendship.
The younger looked at it a moment, then held it, testing it, seeing if it was real. When
finally he judged that he would come to no harm by holding it, he jerked the arm in. The
older was surprised by this, and caught his balance by catching hold of the younger's
shoulder. He only had a few seconds to catch his breath when the younger leaned up and
sealed his lips.

What could he do? He leaned in and just let the feeling take over.

It broke, after a few seconds. It was a plain kiss, not fancy, no bending down, no
tiptoeing, no fancy stuff. It was just a kiss, a promise sealed.

Then the brunette was gone, and Matt looked after his disappearing figure with a
disappointed feeling in his stomach...

* end dream *

I woke up again, in the same darkness before. But now it felt...familiar, right. I
was getting familiar with it. I didn't consider it a strange thing anymore. I had stayed
in one place. I hadn't gone anywhere, and that was good. At least, I didn't know if I had
moved at all. Slowly my senses sharpened, and I perceived the same feeling that I had
before: the little "hands" that were becoming more routinely than uncomfortable. It was
like being in a strange country, first being uncomfortable with another foreign language
spoken around you, not understandable, everything strange and unfamiliar, but then, after a
week, it became just a kind of lull around you. It just didn't matter anymore than it did,
I thought. It was just the beginning of my stay here. It was a place of peace, eternally
quiet, it seemed. It seemed that nothing could shatter this glass enclosure of silence. It
was a meditative place, a place where I could think and sort my feelings out. After a few
thoughts, I came to the conclusion that I liked the place. It had been extremely
uncomfortable, but I liked it. It had been so darn quiet, but I got used to it. It was
nice to be away from the bustle of the cities I performed in before, away from all the
people and all the NOISE that I used to love. It was a change, but it showed me a new side
to then humbleness of the other side of such incredibly loud noise. I had never realized
before that the world was so loud: cars blaring horns and windows spewing rock music, people
arguing, birds singing, papers rustling, trees moving in the wind, trash trucks rolling
their wheels in a competition to see whose was louder, storage trucks on the freeway, fire
crackling, cicadas chirping, bugs buzzing, 4Runners rumbling, earthquakes, TVs, radios...all
of this was gone. There was only silence and my mind here, solitary. I couldn't hear
anything, but I liked that. I was thinking a different way, a deeper way, where I actually
had and took the time to read between the lines of all the actions that had happened so far
in this blink-of-an-eye-moment in time. My life, in other words. There was nothing in this
life that seemed to actually NEED examining, but I realized there was a lot that needed
looking at.

It was strange, how I got here, I thought with a smile. Why did I bother to save
him? Why did I come to his rescue like some knight in shining armor, some prince ready to
save his princess? Not to say, I thought with a snicker, he wasn't a girl in the first
place. But that was beside the point, as I thought. He had needed help, and I had given it
to him. But why? Was it because I was his friend? Why was I his friend in the first
place?

Oh Tai, my mind spoke aloud with self-pity evident in its voice, why didn't I
tell you when I had the chance? But I knew the answer to that one as well. Somewhere
along this road that was my life, someone had told me, "Love doesn't just leave a friendship
be. It stretches it to the thinnest strings." I couldn't help but agree; what would happen
if Tai really had said 'no'? Our friendship would have changed, perhaps it would have even
been over. That would've been worse than if I hadn't said anything at all, just kept my
feelings bottled up inside. People say that's bad for you, and it is. But if I had to say
something about it, I would have just said that I would rather keep them bottled up than
let the person know. And that's exactly what I did, except that one time that I told Izzy.
That was uncalled for, but I suspect something was with Izzy when he was comforting me, just
that look on his face. It seemed like he wanted to tell me something, but he had promised
something someone else not to tell. As I laid on my bed that night, I had wondered what
that meant. I had even thought it might've been that Tai had told him that he loved me...?
But I shrugged it off. It was impossible! At least, it wasn't exactly impossible, but Tai,
in love with me? It was highly unlikely. If he really did (that brought a warm, mushy
feeling to gush through me), he hid it well. But once in a while, I would catch him looking
at me. He would just watch me, his brown eyes intent on looking at me and nothing else,
while I just looked at him from the corner of my eye. I always had my breath quicken at
that, my hopes soar, only to plummet when the gaze turn away from me without a second
glance. But I always thought...always thought...it might...no. It wasn't right if I got my
hopes up just to have them shatter before my eyes when he told me no...

No, I had finally decided. I wouldn't tell him. It wasn't right if I did. I
wanted to keep this friendship that we have, this friendship that had evolved from rivalry,
from competition against each other. I had always had a soft spot for him, even while we
were trapped in the Digital World. Any other tormentor would have already been pinned to
the ground, tackled, and beaten to a pulp, but him...he always seemed to elude me. I didn't
know anything about him at the very first, and his confident attitude really pissed me off,
but there was never a time where I could actually hit him, and actually feel good about it,
like the bullies at school. THOSE idiots had learned to stay away from me, but him...he
wasn't a bully, so I guess that contributed to part of my opinion towards him. The only
time I had actually touched him, hurt him physically was when I couldn't control my temper
anymore. That day was a nightmare for me. I had been confused by this sudden attraction
towards his flippant attitude, this confidence that surprised me and awed me at the same
time. It made me very annoyed to be so close to him, to be so damn attracted to him, and I
hated it, but at the same time, I craved for his approval. I kept my defenses up, hoping
that I could keep them up, and they hadn't failed me, so far.

And still, I felt them crumbling slightly, bending slightly whenever he flashed a
comrade's smile at me, that beautifully enticing smile, and when he flicked his hair out of
his eyes, all of these movements and actions I wanted to see, wanted to touch and feel,
wanted to experience. And when I did, I didn't regret it, but I kept my pretense up, my
pretense of a cold façade of unfeeling-ness. Part of me had wanted to balk and told me that
I should at least show SOME emotion, but I kept it up. I didn't show any at all. Yet, all
of them passed my test; all of our little DigiDestined team could see through this mask of
mine, and they could tell, I was a very vulnerable person.

Yes, I just admitted I was vulnerable. Ironic, isn't it? That I should fall for
one that I hated, but fell in love with. Stupid love. Stupid Matt.

But when these memories entered my head, I could feel that dark uncomfortable
feeling come up again, and I felt a tinge of sadness under it. I was sad, sad that I
couldn't have told him before. Before I saw him on the roof, scared as ever, eyes wide,
brown hair knocked more astray than it already was before, and looking so pale I could
compare him with my wall. That image floated up to the top of my mind, and it was that time
that I realized that I had loved him more than I realized, or why would I have summoned my
Rei Ken and tried to hurt the man with it? H was worth so much more than me...he had a
life, friends, family to return to. Not that I didn't, but him...I didn't want to spoil his
already perfect life anymore than I already had. Constantly I had been pushed away, far,
far away from those things I wanted to do, wanted to see, wanted to experience. Love...my
love was unreturned. I wanted it returned. Family...I wanted that unity, that strong bond
between mother, father and child...before the divorce, before the separation, that
separation that tore a hole in my young heart.

I could remember telling little T.K., now big strong Takeru, that Mom and Dad didn't
love each other anymore. It crashed my heart, to hear T.K. start to cry, without any reason
but the loud shouting outside of the door. Him wailing, and me comforting him, but it was
no good. Mom and Dad just weren't going to come back together. And that was the end of
that. I went with Dad, he went with Mom, but we never forgave ourselves totally for letting
this happen. We took the blame on ourselves, but it had lulled to a lower place on our
lists of things to do. There was more on our little minds than that.

I wanted to be a singer. That was probably the only thing I ever accomplished. But
that was over now, as well. Soon my CDs would be sitting on shelves, picking up dust, and I
would still be here, thinking. About thing I could've done with this life of mine, as
worthless as it is. I hated it, but at the same time, I craved for living. Without living,
there wouldn't be Tai, or T.K., or our little DigiDestined group, and without them, I would
be absolutely nothing. I'd rather be worthless than be nothing at all.

Speaking of Tai, I began to check my injuries. I twisted my hands around, and
concluded that I was hanging in midair, dangling ungainly with some sort of rope around my
hands, which were tied over my hands. I lulled the pain a bit, and tried to touch the
ground. I couldn't feel it. That could only mean that it was either a short way to the
ground, or something close to infinite to the ground. If there was one, that is.

But I was willing to take that chance. With a deft twist of my hands, I quickly
let go and began to fall. It seemed eons before I felt the whistling start to slow, the
darkness around me began to fade into black again without the stars that clouded my vision.
I landed catlike on the floor, which I couldn't see, but I wasn't willing to wager that it
was safe, so I stood still. I tried to look around, but again, there was nothing to be seen
but the darkness, the blindness, swirling around me.

"DO NOT TRY TO ESCAPE."

I looked around in vain, trying to figure out where the voice had come from. I
could sense nothing; it was like my senses had all been blinded, and I couldn't feel
anything save the ground under my feet.

"DO AS I SAY, AND YOU WILL NOT COME TO HARM."

I didn't move. Just stayed there, looking up.

"GO TO SLEEP."

Now I was a little mad. NO ONE told me what to do. Including sleep. But still, I
kept silent. This guy had the advantage.

"NOW."

I felt an even darker black cloud my senses, like they had all been covered with a
stifling mask, and I couldn't breathe. Darkness suffocated me from all sides, and my hands
flew up to my neck, as if trying to breathe, but nothing seemed to come in, no fresh air, no
stale air, it seemed the world was still. The panic welled up in me, rising to the surface
while I gasped, and then I felt it come in even closer, taking my air route away completely.
I struggled for a little while, but then I let my hands drop to my sides, and unwillingly
fell into a sleep, a sleep so deep that I could dream of nothing of blackness.

It was the beginning of my insanity.

/ \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \

Author's note:

Well, that's the 5th chapter. Glad I got it down. It's currently vacation time, so
I have some good time to spend. Anyways, I'm camping, and it's almost time to roast marshmallows,
so ja ne. I'm sorry if the time differences are hard to adjust; thing is, I don't want to
bore people with idle talk of people wondering how Matt is doing, so I just cut out the
parts between the vacations, while they have school, work, whatever. I don't want to
describe routine, though it deserves some describing, but I want to describe stuff that's
actually interesting, some action please.
OK, even I must say that was weird. I think, well, you figure it out somehow, if it
doesn't make sense, then just make it make sense in some weird way, but the main point is
that Matt is still in love with Tai and thinks that Tai doesn't love him anymore. I will
try and clear things up in the next chapter, which will be from some random point of view.
This fanfic...I have no idea where it's going, but it kinda came to me in some old dream.
Strange, dreamt of something to do with a glass wall with Tai on one side and Matt on the
other, looking at each other, something like that. Well, I think this fanfic is weird, and
probably the lot of you think the exact same as well. Thank you. By the way, I still (not
hate) dislike my writing with a passion. Tell that to Siva_chan. Please.

Andrea Weiling