Author's Note: As always, these are not mine, neither the songs nor the characters, even if I wish they WERE mine. BTW, for some reason or another I put my own little side comments into this story. I didn't know how well they work in the frame of the story though. This is set after "The Kids Are Aiight" I wanted to write something where Max found out about Logan's problem, but resolve it where she can still be surprised if he actually DOES tell her in some future Ep. I might start an Ep Ender Series, with "Everything" and this story being the first two parts. What do you think? Feedback, as always, is craved! And now, without further ado, on with the show.
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Things were easier when I just didn't give a damn. But I read somewhere that life is never easy. Which probably explains my latest problem. The problem is I DO give a damn. I care so much. I'm sure Lydecker would be very disappointed. He'd call me weak and pathetic, among other things. Screw him.
What do I care about? My Homegirls, of course, Kendra and Original Cindy. Cindy, obviously, knows my secret, which makes her even more important to me. I am, after all, her boo for life. Kendra's one of the funniest bitches I know. She's a total sex maniac, but the girl's got a heart of gold, even if she is at the moment shacking up in Mr. Multiple' s den-o-lovin'. Yuck!
What else do I care about? Well, my boys, Sketchy and Herbal. They make my everyday living hell known as work a little less handelable. And, given the fact that I risked my neck and a very nice dress to save his ass a few weeks ago, I guess in some sick and twisted way I care about Normal too, the stupid Type-A germ phobic asshole. But if anyone ever tries to get me to admit that, I'll kick their ass.
I care about saving my own ass, and keeping out of Lydecker's clutches. I've come way too close for comfort too many times. I'd rather die than end up back at Manticore. I've come too far. I have too much to lose here. Like my baby. If I ended up back at good ol'Project Manticore, she would be in a chop shop in no time.
I care about my sibs. They are my family. Jondy, Brin, Zach the occasional shithead, all of them; they know what I've been through. They know what my life has been like. We are X-5's, Manticore trained supersoldiers with minds of our own, jonseing for freedom. I am different from them, though. That's why Zach and I clash on so many things. I'm not the perfect little soldier he wishes I were. Asshole. In that respect, he's just like Lydecker. Don't get me wrong, I love Zach, but he's the biggest prick I've ever met. He's my brother, and I'll love him forever, but not like he loves me. I know that and so does he. He knew I'd never leave Logan. Not after last time.
Because dammit, I care about him too. I have given him my blood twice and nearly was killed for him and his stupid Eyes Only crusader cause. I guess I am captain of the Logan Cale Brigade, huh? But he's given me something to believe in, I know that; he makes me believe in more than just the fact that I am not completely human. He's made me believe in myself. He's made me believe in him harder than I've ever believed in anyone. He's gotten me thinking he might actually save what's left of this world. That is, if he can stop self destructing first. He's pushing himself too hard. He thinks my blood is a cure-all. It may be repairing his nerve damage, but he still has a long way to go. I know he's been having trouble. He forgets my cat DNA gives me a heightened sense of hearing.
When I had my nose in his fridge-God, that sounds so wrong-I heard his grunts as his legs gave out. My first instinct was to run to him, but I knew that wasn't what he wanted. I was hurt when he lied to me and asked me to leave, because I was hoping he'd quit the macho crap and ask me for help. I could hear him groaning in pain as I stood on the other side of the door.
I made myself come here, to the Needle, because I knew he didn't want my help. Not then.
He's so goddamned stubborn! And he's got one hell of a double standard. He'd get angry as hell with me if I tried to hide my seizures or pretend they weren't a problem. He'd tell me not to be ashamed of them even though he's ashamed of his own disability. Sometimes I want to scream at him "Why is it okay for you to hide your problems when you won't let me hid mine." He won't let me hide *from* them either.
He's always doing that, trying to protect me and save me. I wonder if he sees me as the ultimate cause. I see him fight so hard for others and wonder what made him like that; I wish I knew what his inspiration was. I think if he thought he had a chance in hell, he might have actually fought me to keep me from going after Zach. I really really really wanted to be mad at him for that; I tried my damndest, but I couldn't, not really. I suppose that's why I came right back to Logan's apartment once I had freed Zach.
Goddammit! When did this happen to me? More importantly, *how* did it happen? How did I let Logan Cale get under my skin? He makes me want to lose control and *like* it, and that scares me more than anything. How can I want to get so close to someone? Don't I know how bad that is? Not only for me, but also for them? Anyone who gets close to me could end up dead. And I think I'd rather never see Logan again and live with the fact that knowing me caused his death. He makes me feel warm inside. I don't know if I like it. At Manticore, Lydecker told us that these kinds of feelings make us weak. I bet he didn't get any in high school.
Speaking of Logan and Lydecker, my buddy Eyes Only sure as hell risked exposure by alerting the other X-5's. Lydecker and his goons are gonna try and hunt him down. But I'll be damned if I let him find Logan.
(A/N: Now the story is going to shift verb tenses a little. It's still Max's POV, but she's telling us what happened after she got off the Needle. I could not think of a good segue. Sorry.)
The next thing I knew I was back on my baby, heading over to Foggle Towers. It was way past curfew and I had to be creative to avoid the sector police. I walked my baby the last three blocks and his her in some bushes so she wouldn't be stolen. I didn't want Logan to know I was there, so I resorted to my genetically enhanced superpowers and scaled the exterior wall of his building. Ironically, I got in through the same window I had plunged out of when I first met him.
I felt kinda bad breaking into Logan's apartment, but I didn't want him to know I was there and pretend nothing was wrong. I was counting on the fact that he would be too focused on his own deal to notice I was being all stealthy.
* I looked into your eyes
they told me plenty
I already knew*
I found him in his office. From where I was standing, he could not see me, but I could see him. He was back in his wheelchair. Seeing him sitting in that chair made my heart hurt. As I watched silently, Logan leaned on to his desk and slowly rose to his feet. His balance was tentative, but I watched him gain confidence; eventually he stood straight and tall. I smiled when I saw him smile. He turned and I stepped deeper into the shadows. With a smug grin, he kicked the wheelchair and sent it crashing into the wall.
*So soon forgotten
all that you do
is more than words
I tried to tell you
the more I tried I failed*
Then his legs gave out and he fell to the floor.
*I would stand by you no matter what they'd say*
That was it. I couldn't watch silently anymore. I slowly walked into the office, leaning against the doorframe. "Do you want some help?" I tried to look indifferent, but seeing him in so much agony made me sad.
He was on his stomach and he tried to prop himself up on his elbows, attempting to hide the pain on his face. "M-Max," he stuttered, trying pathetically to cover his own ass. "What are you doing here? I thought you'd gone home."
*I used to think my life
was often empty
a lonely space to fill*
I knew he wasn't going to answer my question directly, so I walked to him and crouched at his side. He was still playing hide and seek with the truth and me so I decided to indulge him, slightly. "I didn't find a decent bite to eat, so I came back to my tried and true meal ticket." I tried to smile for him. I could see he didn't believe my white-assed lie anymore than I could believe any BS he could cook up about why he was moping the floor with the clothes he was still wearing.
*You made my world stand still
and in that stillness
there was a freedom I never felt before*
I reached out and smoothed this disheveled hair from his face. "You want me to get the chair?" I asked gently.
"No," he said quietly. "I want you.." He trailed off. Dammit, I thought he was going to tell me to go away. If that happened, I was going to fling him over my shoulder and carry him into his bedroom. Wait, that sounds wrong too. You know what I mean. "I want you to help me into my bedroom."
Okay, so I was wrong. The look on his face as he made the connection that I could be in his bedroom was priceless. I held back my laughter.
It took us a long time, but we eventually made it into his bedroom. (A/N: Does anyone else find that line prophetic? ::looks around:: Just me? Damn.) I had my arm around his waist and I fostered much of his weight as he leaned against me, his arm across my shoulders.
I sat him on the edge of the bed and went in search of his pajamas. I tossed them in his direction and asked, "SO you, uh, need any more help?"
He smiled and I thought my own legs were going to give out, "No, thanks Max. I can take it from here."
I smiled. "Okay then, I'm gonna bounce." I wanted to get out of there before I gave into the raging desires in my head. Whoa! Where the hell did they come from? Definitely, time to bounce. I turned to leave.
"Max?" His voice was soft and gruff and it stopped me dead in my tracks. I turned around to look at him. He was staring uncomfortably at his hands. "If you knew, why didn't you say something sooner?"
I shrugged, "Why didn't you?"
HE rolled his eyes. He hates it when I answer a question with a question. "Were you ever going to ask?"
I shrugged again, "I figured you would tell me when you were ready."
"I will," he murmured and I got the sense we weren't talking about his legs anymore.
"You owe me dinner, Eyes Only," I said like a true smart-ass. "I'm gonna cash that rain check soon."
He smiled again, "I'm counting on it."
I tried to smile to hide my nervousness. Then I left without another word, determined to just get away. Logan and I weren't ready. Not yet.
Yep, it was definitely easier when I didn't give a damn.
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I know, this one was rather weak, but it was the best I could do. Comments? Feedback?
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Things were easier when I just didn't give a damn. But I read somewhere that life is never easy. Which probably explains my latest problem. The problem is I DO give a damn. I care so much. I'm sure Lydecker would be very disappointed. He'd call me weak and pathetic, among other things. Screw him.
What do I care about? My Homegirls, of course, Kendra and Original Cindy. Cindy, obviously, knows my secret, which makes her even more important to me. I am, after all, her boo for life. Kendra's one of the funniest bitches I know. She's a total sex maniac, but the girl's got a heart of gold, even if she is at the moment shacking up in Mr. Multiple' s den-o-lovin'. Yuck!
What else do I care about? Well, my boys, Sketchy and Herbal. They make my everyday living hell known as work a little less handelable. And, given the fact that I risked my neck and a very nice dress to save his ass a few weeks ago, I guess in some sick and twisted way I care about Normal too, the stupid Type-A germ phobic asshole. But if anyone ever tries to get me to admit that, I'll kick their ass.
I care about saving my own ass, and keeping out of Lydecker's clutches. I've come way too close for comfort too many times. I'd rather die than end up back at Manticore. I've come too far. I have too much to lose here. Like my baby. If I ended up back at good ol'Project Manticore, she would be in a chop shop in no time.
I care about my sibs. They are my family. Jondy, Brin, Zach the occasional shithead, all of them; they know what I've been through. They know what my life has been like. We are X-5's, Manticore trained supersoldiers with minds of our own, jonseing for freedom. I am different from them, though. That's why Zach and I clash on so many things. I'm not the perfect little soldier he wishes I were. Asshole. In that respect, he's just like Lydecker. Don't get me wrong, I love Zach, but he's the biggest prick I've ever met. He's my brother, and I'll love him forever, but not like he loves me. I know that and so does he. He knew I'd never leave Logan. Not after last time.
Because dammit, I care about him too. I have given him my blood twice and nearly was killed for him and his stupid Eyes Only crusader cause. I guess I am captain of the Logan Cale Brigade, huh? But he's given me something to believe in, I know that; he makes me believe in more than just the fact that I am not completely human. He's made me believe in myself. He's made me believe in him harder than I've ever believed in anyone. He's gotten me thinking he might actually save what's left of this world. That is, if he can stop self destructing first. He's pushing himself too hard. He thinks my blood is a cure-all. It may be repairing his nerve damage, but he still has a long way to go. I know he's been having trouble. He forgets my cat DNA gives me a heightened sense of hearing.
When I had my nose in his fridge-God, that sounds so wrong-I heard his grunts as his legs gave out. My first instinct was to run to him, but I knew that wasn't what he wanted. I was hurt when he lied to me and asked me to leave, because I was hoping he'd quit the macho crap and ask me for help. I could hear him groaning in pain as I stood on the other side of the door.
I made myself come here, to the Needle, because I knew he didn't want my help. Not then.
He's so goddamned stubborn! And he's got one hell of a double standard. He'd get angry as hell with me if I tried to hide my seizures or pretend they weren't a problem. He'd tell me not to be ashamed of them even though he's ashamed of his own disability. Sometimes I want to scream at him "Why is it okay for you to hide your problems when you won't let me hid mine." He won't let me hide *from* them either.
He's always doing that, trying to protect me and save me. I wonder if he sees me as the ultimate cause. I see him fight so hard for others and wonder what made him like that; I wish I knew what his inspiration was. I think if he thought he had a chance in hell, he might have actually fought me to keep me from going after Zach. I really really really wanted to be mad at him for that; I tried my damndest, but I couldn't, not really. I suppose that's why I came right back to Logan's apartment once I had freed Zach.
Goddammit! When did this happen to me? More importantly, *how* did it happen? How did I let Logan Cale get under my skin? He makes me want to lose control and *like* it, and that scares me more than anything. How can I want to get so close to someone? Don't I know how bad that is? Not only for me, but also for them? Anyone who gets close to me could end up dead. And I think I'd rather never see Logan again and live with the fact that knowing me caused his death. He makes me feel warm inside. I don't know if I like it. At Manticore, Lydecker told us that these kinds of feelings make us weak. I bet he didn't get any in high school.
Speaking of Logan and Lydecker, my buddy Eyes Only sure as hell risked exposure by alerting the other X-5's. Lydecker and his goons are gonna try and hunt him down. But I'll be damned if I let him find Logan.
(A/N: Now the story is going to shift verb tenses a little. It's still Max's POV, but she's telling us what happened after she got off the Needle. I could not think of a good segue. Sorry.)
The next thing I knew I was back on my baby, heading over to Foggle Towers. It was way past curfew and I had to be creative to avoid the sector police. I walked my baby the last three blocks and his her in some bushes so she wouldn't be stolen. I didn't want Logan to know I was there, so I resorted to my genetically enhanced superpowers and scaled the exterior wall of his building. Ironically, I got in through the same window I had plunged out of when I first met him.
I felt kinda bad breaking into Logan's apartment, but I didn't want him to know I was there and pretend nothing was wrong. I was counting on the fact that he would be too focused on his own deal to notice I was being all stealthy.
* I looked into your eyes
they told me plenty
I already knew*
I found him in his office. From where I was standing, he could not see me, but I could see him. He was back in his wheelchair. Seeing him sitting in that chair made my heart hurt. As I watched silently, Logan leaned on to his desk and slowly rose to his feet. His balance was tentative, but I watched him gain confidence; eventually he stood straight and tall. I smiled when I saw him smile. He turned and I stepped deeper into the shadows. With a smug grin, he kicked the wheelchair and sent it crashing into the wall.
*So soon forgotten
all that you do
is more than words
I tried to tell you
the more I tried I failed*
Then his legs gave out and he fell to the floor.
*I would stand by you no matter what they'd say*
That was it. I couldn't watch silently anymore. I slowly walked into the office, leaning against the doorframe. "Do you want some help?" I tried to look indifferent, but seeing him in so much agony made me sad.
He was on his stomach and he tried to prop himself up on his elbows, attempting to hide the pain on his face. "M-Max," he stuttered, trying pathetically to cover his own ass. "What are you doing here? I thought you'd gone home."
*I used to think my life
was often empty
a lonely space to fill*
I knew he wasn't going to answer my question directly, so I walked to him and crouched at his side. He was still playing hide and seek with the truth and me so I decided to indulge him, slightly. "I didn't find a decent bite to eat, so I came back to my tried and true meal ticket." I tried to smile for him. I could see he didn't believe my white-assed lie anymore than I could believe any BS he could cook up about why he was moping the floor with the clothes he was still wearing.
*You made my world stand still
and in that stillness
there was a freedom I never felt before*
I reached out and smoothed this disheveled hair from his face. "You want me to get the chair?" I asked gently.
"No," he said quietly. "I want you.." He trailed off. Dammit, I thought he was going to tell me to go away. If that happened, I was going to fling him over my shoulder and carry him into his bedroom. Wait, that sounds wrong too. You know what I mean. "I want you to help me into my bedroom."
Okay, so I was wrong. The look on his face as he made the connection that I could be in his bedroom was priceless. I held back my laughter.
It took us a long time, but we eventually made it into his bedroom. (A/N: Does anyone else find that line prophetic? ::looks around:: Just me? Damn.) I had my arm around his waist and I fostered much of his weight as he leaned against me, his arm across my shoulders.
I sat him on the edge of the bed and went in search of his pajamas. I tossed them in his direction and asked, "SO you, uh, need any more help?"
He smiled and I thought my own legs were going to give out, "No, thanks Max. I can take it from here."
I smiled. "Okay then, I'm gonna bounce." I wanted to get out of there before I gave into the raging desires in my head. Whoa! Where the hell did they come from? Definitely, time to bounce. I turned to leave.
"Max?" His voice was soft and gruff and it stopped me dead in my tracks. I turned around to look at him. He was staring uncomfortably at his hands. "If you knew, why didn't you say something sooner?"
I shrugged, "Why didn't you?"
HE rolled his eyes. He hates it when I answer a question with a question. "Were you ever going to ask?"
I shrugged again, "I figured you would tell me when you were ready."
"I will," he murmured and I got the sense we weren't talking about his legs anymore.
"You owe me dinner, Eyes Only," I said like a true smart-ass. "I'm gonna cash that rain check soon."
He smiled again, "I'm counting on it."
I tried to smile to hide my nervousness. Then I left without another word, determined to just get away. Logan and I weren't ready. Not yet.
Yep, it was definitely easier when I didn't give a damn.
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I know, this one was rather weak, but it was the best I could do. Comments? Feedback?
